Piggy in the Middle…..*Sigh*

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think you’re in any position to be judging someone else’s financial position based on how much money you randomly guess they’ll have left over to spend on you.

I think this is a case of the bride thinking everyone else should think the wedding is as important as she does. Despite whether it makes you happy or not, your wedding is a still a long way away. In general terms, yes, you did buy a dress earlier than most brides-to-be. What specific planning are you upset that you SIL has not joined in yet? Is it anything truly urgent or important that needs to be done so soon? And I doubt your attitude of “I’m over that…” 15 months before the wedding makes her any more enthusiastic to join in.

You have to accept that NO ONE finds this event as important as you. And it shouldn’t bother you. Do what you need to do to make you happy, and if someone else taking vacation affects your wedding and upset you, then maybe you ought to be paying for the whole thing yourself.

Post # 4
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@waddle:  Umm, so you’re upset that his parents are giving you money AND visiting you?

WHAT?!

Im so confused, if they are giving money WHY DO YOU CARE what they spend the rest of their money on??

Besides, your wedding is so long away, they probably don’t realise you’re planning yet, seriously what could FSIL do now, 15 months away from the wedding, other than look for a dress? And why does she need to look now? What if she is trying to lose weight or something and doesn’t want to get a dress so early?

 

You sound like a selfish spoilt child, really. And PP is right, no one cares about your wedding like you do! It won’t even be on anyones radar yet, 15 months away!

Post # 5
Member
3013 posts
Sugar bee

@waddle:  I think you need to worry less about how other are spending their money and how they plan to spend it on you and more about being self sufficient. Why not pay for your own wedding like a grown up instead of judging how others spend their money? It is your parents’ choice to make this sacrifice- it doesn’t have to be his parents’ also. Maybe theh would like a trip? You sound extremely entitled. “I can’t believe these people would consider going on vacation when they should be handing that money over to me so I can have my dream wedding.”

Post # 6
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

On top of the very good points that everyone else has made, you’re not entitled to anyone’s help (except your fiancé’s) in planning your wedding.  It’s not you FSIL’s job to do that for you, even if she is going to be a bridesmaid.

Post # 7
Member
2341 posts
Buzzing bee

@FutureMrsHallam:  

@mamadingdong:   Bees, go easy on the op- she’s come here to vent. Rather than saying what she sounds like how about some thoughts of how to help her thought process out?

Post # 8
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Nic01:  Okay, help her thought process…

The only thing other than previous comments is you have to trust them OP, trust their word and that they said they would help you. So what if they don’t want to sacrifice their holidays for your wedding? They will have the money, unless they are normally very flakey people.

 

That’s it, that’s as nice as I can be to this post.

Post # 9
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@waddle:  

 

1. I personally think that 1.5 years is too early to buy a wedding dress. If you don’t, fine. it’s your dress and you have to wear it and live with it. But I wouldn’t fault your FIL for expressing his opinion.

 

2. it is well over a year until your wedding.  You are asking a lot  for people to be getting all exicted and doing stuff to help you now.  The internet is a fabulous thing, and 90% of my vendors I sourced through it, without having to visit them.  You can likely do as much from Oz as you could in GB right now

 

3. I would not buy a bridesmaid dress right now for a wedding in December of next year either, and that is especially the case if I had to pay for it myself (I know in the UK, the bride usually pays, so it might be different). Regardless, relationships break down, people die in freak accidents, people gain weight and styles that looked good on them thinner are no longer suitable, and what is fashionable now may not be next year.

 

4. Your IL’s finances and how they choose to spend their money is absolutely none of your business, and you have absolutely no right to get upset if your parents make a personal decision to pass on a trip to contribute, and your IL’s don’t.  No one owes you any contribution, period.  I too am an only child, and my mother contributed more than I imagined (paid for my dress, paid for 60% of our photography, and paid for most of the hair and make-up, in addition to travelling from the other side of the country).  My MIL contributed a potato salad and a fruit salad to our parties (she is elderly and on a fixed income).  In a million years I would have never thought that she should have spent the past year socking away money to give us towards our wedding, as opposed to spending her money how she sees fit. 

 

Most of us hate to be judged based on comparisons of others, because it is simply not a fair way to evaluate people.  Likewise, you should avoid judging your IL’s by comparing them to what your parents do. It’s quite a different thing to have your only daughter get married than to have your son get married (you don’t mention if he has siblings, so I assume he does).

 

You will find the next year and a bit far less stressful if you focus on what you are doing, and not on the decisions other people make, as well as adjusting your expectations of those around you.

 

Post # 11
Member
3013 posts
Sugar bee

@Nic01:  not interested in your scolding it changing what I have to say. 

Post # 12
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

If you found a dress, that’s great. It seems early, so it’s surprising, that’s all; at least, that’s why I think people are saying that. It’s never too early to find your dream dress, though. 

 

 Your FSIL hasn’t offered to help, but what can she really do so far away from the wedding date and so far away from you? Can you provide us with examples of what you would like her to do other than finding a dress? As someone else mentioned, fashions change and a lot happens in a year, so it is early to have her looking for a dress. Unless you already know what you want her to wear… Do you? If you do, you have to be specific and tell her what you want her to get. I’m talking style number, color, and the store it’s supposed to come from. It sounds like you’re asking her to do things, but you don’t actually know what you want or you’re leaving a lot up to her. She can’t be expected to go off of vague directions a year from the wedding date, especially when she’s in another country, and do as well as it seems you want her to do at this. Do you even know what you want your wedding to look like? 

 

 As far as your fiancee’s parents go, they can spend their money how they please. I doubt you know the details of their finances, so they may have the money for your wedding set aside already, or they’ll get it in time for the wedding. The money is theirs, though, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to be upset just because they aren’t doing what you want them to do. I mean, they’re coming to AUS Partly to spend time with you right? Why complain about that? 

 

 Basically, I think you’re being unreasonable. It seems that you’re expecting a lot from people and not taking into account the time between now and the wedding, the distance you are from them (yes that does matter), and the fact that this is your wedding, not theirs, which means that the responsibility is on you and your fiancée to make this happen, not your family members.

 

 I’m not trying to be mean, I just want to make that clear. 

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@waddle: Ok, from personal experience – please try to avoid discussing your FI’s parents contribution/money spending with your parents. I know it’s difficult not to, but I was a little to open about the fact that my PIL didn’t contribute a nickel towards the wedding and that sent my dad into a full fledged rage that lasted through the entire wedding. Incredibly unfortunate and uncomfortable. 

At this point, just take your future in laws promise for the generous offer it is and don’t question it. As for the trip, they want to come and see you – it’s not like they’re taking themselves on a trip to Bali or the Galapagos. I actually think it’s really sweet that they’re traveling that far to see how you live.

 

Post # 14
Member
7090 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Unless you have seen your FIL’s bank account I don’t really see what there is to be upset about. Even if two people make the same amount, that doesn’t mean they live the same lifestyle or have the same spending habits. If they are responsible adults I would assume they can figure out what they can afford.

Post # 15
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@waddle:  I agree with other posters that it is too early to have you BM get a dress. I would hold off on that until 6 months before the wedding. Finding your dress is fine (I found my dress a year in advance) but you can’t expect others to jump the gun like you have. As they say “Nobody is as excited for your wedding as you are”. Also, it is okay to vent but I would be appreciative of what they have offered. If they give you very little then that is what they do. Nobody is helping pay for my wedding and that is ALRIGHT! I have asked for help when military threw us curve balls but always made sure to pay back those who lended us a hand. I get that you are upset that they offered and now may not be able to contribute much but contributing a little is better than none! Your parents should not even know how much you IL’s are helping! It is not their place to know what money you recieve because frankly it is rude to make them (your IL’s) the bad guys for not giving more or an equal amount to your wedding. I would just be happy you got it out in a vent and then take a stroll because you need to relax 🙂  

Post # 16
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It’s OK, OP, I feel ya.  You’re venting and not trying to come off as bratty, you’re just worried that as the date gets closer, this money that was promised to you will suddenly not be there and you’ll be stuck with a bill.  That’s rough.  I mean, it’s one thing to be upset you aren’t getting money, it’s another to be promised something, plan with it, and then told you’re not getting it.

So the big question here is do you trust your FILs to hold to their promise?

As for your parents visiting, would you like it more if they didn’t contribute to the wedding and came to visit you instead?  If so, you should tell them that.

As for planning, the internet is a lovely tool.  It looks like you have a dress and a venue.  You could start looking into djs, photographers, florists, the works.  Start planning.  I don’t think you need to take action quite yet, but if you plan ahead of time, you can get these decisions over with so that it’s less stressful when there’s time for action.

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