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I'm sorry about your weekend. When I'm PMS-ing if something sets me off, all I see is red for a few days too. I agree, your FI did the right thing, but the company he keeps says a lot about him too. If you two have this agreement, I'm glad he stuck to it. You just need to talk and be open with each other and he needs to be ADIMIT with his friends that strippers are NOT allowed. If they're <span style="text-decoration: underline;">truly his friends, they will listen, if they balk - then maybe he needs some new firends.
youre not being irrational at all, but you gotta calm down. a) you cant control what someone else's bach party is like. b) u cant control the party that other people throw your FI. when it was time for my hubs bach party, i made it perfectly clear that we would have problems if there were any strippers involved. guess what, some of guys (but not him) broke off from the rest of the group and went to some seedy all night strip club. what could i say? hubby had "ALLEGEDLY" not joined them. i think it just bothers me that so many married, about to be married, and men in serious relationships went! i think the bach party is really for the friends and not the guy about to be married anyways. which also upsets me but thats another post.
all you can do is have a cup of tea and calm down dude. i am with you with the anger but its not going to get you anywhere. you have shared you strong feelings about the topic with FI. all you can do know is trust that he will respect your feelings.
A little clarification - these were not his core group of friends by any means. It was mostly his friend's HS friends that were acting like morons all weekend. But two of the guys that were there (including the one whose party it was) are in his wedding party. I'm not sure the other one went but I'm fairly certain he did - he's a big time party guy and doesn't have a serious girlfriend right now. These also happen to be the two groomsmen I haven't met yet (they are in Chicago and the rest of the guys are in NY). As for FI's friends that I do know - including his best man and two of his other groomsmen - I've told them and he's told them NO STRIPPERS. They were joking around with me at this engagement bar party we had that they were going to get a stripper but FI swears it was only to get a rise out of me and that they aren't into that sort of thing either. One of them is married, one has a serious GF, and the other just isn't into paying money to see a naked woman he can't have sex with.
It just really gets to me that this is still considered "traditional" behavior. And the nastiest thing about this party this weekend is that the groom's FBIL was one of the guys that was gung-ho stip club. Like, excuse me, this man is marrying YOUR SISTER and you're gonna go buy him a friggin lapdance? Gross!
This is a tough situation and I understand some of your feelings b/c we also had the "no stripper" bach-party rule.
It sounds to me like there are two seperate issues, the first is the Bachelor party he just went to and the second is that you are worried about what might happen at his bachelor party.
I think that you are overreacting a little to him being at the bachelor party in New Orleans. Give him some credit for not going to the strip club, I'm sure that it was uncomfortable for him to "break from the group". It sounds like he thought you would be proud of him for not going to the strip club and I'm sure he made the decision not to go, at least partially b/c he knew you wouldn't want him to. You can't be mad at him for hanging out with people who would go to a strip club, our friends don't always have the exact same values that we have and it's not fair to push our values on other people.
As for his bach party, maybe you could ask him to have a serious conversation with his best man about how he doesn't want strippers. Maybe he could request a specific theme for the bachelor party and tell the best man that he would prefer to go to a casino or deep sea fishing. Also, maybe you could have a chat with your FI before his bachelor party. We talked about what would happen if my husbands friends got strippers despite what he had said. I told him that I understood that it would be too weird for him to just walk out so I understood if he stayed there but that I was very uncomfortable with him touching a stripper or getting a lap dance.
Try to put this in perspective. I stressed about the bach party too and I understand how things hit a bit harder when you are PMSing.
Oh, PMS. You ruin me. I mean, I know I'm irrationally angry about the whole thing. He was a good boy. He also brought me back some yummy N'Orleans pickled okra like I asked for, so I really should take it easy on the poor guy :)
I think the fact that I had a crappy weekend and he was away on top of the stripper thing is really at the heart of the issue. That and stupid girl hormones.
I agree with previous posters that I think you are overreacting a little about the New Orleans thing. The point is, he didn't go to the strip club. A lot of men (my fiance included!) would have gone with the excuse that "everyone else was going and he HAD to" I don't think you should be so upset about his friends. We don't all share the same values with our friends, especially when it comes to stuff like this.
OK, I'm feeling a bit calmer now. Makes me think I probably should have hopped on Weddingbee this weekend for venting before he got home :)
Just be grateful he didn't secretly go AND keep it quiet from you! That shows he truly respects your opinion. We all have friends that do things we wouldn't necessarily do; doesn't make them bad friends persay. I'm sure he caught hell from his buddies, but he didn't give in to peer pressure! Good man =]. Once the PMS is gone I think you'll be much calmer. It really does make us all a little crazy, doesn't it? Also sounds like since didn't go for his buddy's, he'll be respectful of you for his own. Plus, like your FI said, the other dudes (Best man aside) don't sound into it, and majority will rule.
*hugs* Has FI talked to his friends about your rule? Hopefully they'll respect you and him enough to abstain from strippers for his bachelor party!
I think you hit it on the head when you said you're irrationally angry about this. I'm not being nasty, but I think that the PP who said you cannot control what other people do was right on. The only thing you can control is how you respond. You're not marrying his friends, you are marrying HIM and HE didn't go to the strip club. So nothing bad or wrong transpired, even according to your no-strippers agreement. Be thankful you've got a man that isn't swayed by peer pressure. Not everyone is so lucky.
Personally, I didn't care at all that DH saw strippers for his bachelor party, and he wouldn't have cared if I saw any. I do understand where you're coming from, as one of my BFF's has a HUGE issue with strippers, and the idea that there might be any at my bachelorette or DH's bachelor party kept both her and her FI away from the festivities. (For the record, he saw them, I didn't, and she knew that.) And the friend who opted not to come was a bridesmaid, so I appreciate that this is a deeply personal issue.
But I think you need to chill a bit and look at the fact that you have an honest and loyal FI. Breathe and appreciate what you've got! 
I think you've got a good guy. He managed to resist the peer pressure of a destination bachelor party and respect his agreement with you. Yeah, he deserves a medal, IMHO.
Well, maybe this is TMI, but before we go giving him any medals - the reason he doesn't like strippers is because once a few years back when he went to a strip club with some of his buddies, a stripper who had just had a kid lactated on him. So while he does respect our agreement, he's got his own reasons for wanting nothing to do with the whole scene.
I feel your pain, Kittyachi, bc a few weeks ago (and I posted about it, the thread got kinda heated) my FH went to a bach party in New Orleans as well, only he WENT to the strip clubs with everyone, using the "everyone else was going" excuse. I was VERY upset with him, so I definitely know how you feel...At least he didn't go in one....But in general, I think strip clubs are gross and nasty, so I understand you being upset about him being with people who went but like others have said, he was a good man for not going, so try to give him props for that and remind him that for his, the same rule stands...
Deeeeeeeep breath! Yes, vent here, don't take it out on your FI. First, he did an amazing thing-- you guys have a situation that you have both agreed upon in regards to strippers & your relationship. And, when it mattered most, he stood up to his friends & put your relationship first. Think of the sh*t he got from his buddies. "Duuuuude, c'mon, everyone goes to strip clubs. C'mon, you're not married yet. She'll never know.... etc etc etc." No matter if his guy friends respect you, guys are guys and they just hassle each other.
He REALLY loves you. You guys have MUTUALLY agreed to this and he was put in a situation where this agreement was tested, and he passed! He truly put your relationship first, no matter what his friends said.
I can understand that "the company he keeps" is annoying. BUT if he is able to go out with these guys and spend time with them an have a good time, yet STILL respect your relationship and the things you have agreed upon, then you have to cut him a little slack. He's allowed to hang out with whomever he wants, and he probably won't change in that regard. If he went home when the rest of the guys went out, you've got to be thankful, and support him in that. It took a lot of courage for him to do that, and if he got slack from his friends, he probably needs support from you to feel like it was worth it.
He did the right thing- don't take it out on him. Like I said, I UNDERSTAND your frustrating... I feel the same way you do about strip clubs and I feel so frustrated that my guy hangs around people that go on a regular basis because I feel like he'll always be pushed into going. But as long as our guys do the right thing to respect what we've decided as couples and make up their minds on their own, then we can't be mad at them!!!!
Oh yeah, I remember that thread.
And OK, yes, agreed, he is a good man - but not because he didn't go to a strip club. He's a good man for many other reasons, which is why I'm marrying him! I just kind of think it's silly that a guy deserves props for not going and getting a lapdance from a naked stranger.
In turn, then, shouldn't I get props for not going out and grinding dudes in the club (CLOTHED, I might add)? No, because that would be considered "cheating" whereas going to a strip club isn't. I hate the double standard.
(P.S. I hate clubbing - just an example).
Wait - dancing (or grinding) with guys in a club setting is considered cheating? I'll give you it's not the most appropriate thing to do, but I don't think that's cheating, unless it leads to other things. My girls and I danced in the clubs at my bachelorette (yes, with other guys) and my DH went and saw strippers. To each their own, I suppose. I guess I am not seeing a double standard here, unless he's holding you to one. In which case, those are boundaries that you two have to figure out together.
No medals to be awarded from me, but a little credit where credit's due.
Whatever his own reasons are for not wanting to go and see strippers, he did make an agreement with you and he did honor it. I can see you maybe not enjoying the company of some of his friends, (in which case, don't hang out with them) but if they're his friends and he's clearly not succumbing to any negative influences, why get so upset? It's only going to stress you out and probably frustrate him. Pick your battles.
I went to two strip clubs in New Orleans and they were NASTY! Granted, one was a strip club of transvestites (sp?) and the other had male/female dancers acting out sexual things to each other. I went with my girlfriends - it was my first and hopefully last time in a strip club!
But you should give him props for not going even though everyone else did - he could've went and just not told you but he didn't go. Not a lot of guys can resist the temptation of "everyone else is doing it!"
My FI went to Vegas with his friends and visited the strip clubs which I was ok with - just as long as everything was done out in the area where everyone can see you. I was NOT about to have him go in the champagne room!
I feel the same exact way about my SO not going to any strip clubs. When I appreoached this, knowing his best bud likes to frequent them, he said "I'll try" as in to not go. I let him know that if he did go, the wedding would be called off. Is there any way that maybe you are suprised he didn't go, but also wanted something to be mad at? He can't quite control what other people choose to do, and I think that you should be proud of him for standing up to his friends to do what he felt was right, rather than give into those manly urges. I am very impressed with your future hubby, I give him a lot of kudos for not going! I think that maybe you are over-reacting a little bit by the way that he chose not to go, and I think all along you had yourself worked up by trying to find something wrong. Did you guys talk about him not going before he did? Did you try to convince him to not go? I know that if you did have that talk with him, it could just be you trying to find SOMETHING to be mad at. I do that a lot, where "Well, even though you did this right, I still am upset you chose to go so I will find SOMETHING you didn't do right"...you know?
PMS always gets the best of us. when I get in those moods, theres no stopping me. I'll bitch and moan and think I'm right all the way thru it.
You should be relieved to have a man who didnt go along with his friends to the stripclub...how many guys do that!? Well he wants to hang with the guys and have a few drinks, he obviously respects you and doesn't want to to see strippers.
Me and my FI have the same understand. We both don't like stripclubs and don't want that for our parties. His guy friends have already said that they want to go to stripclubs but they know my feelings about it and so does FI. He already told me and them that he wouldn't go and would come home if that happens.
Us bees are always here if you need to rant or want to talk about things.
You should be glad your guy had the sense to not go. My guy was in the same situtaion last summer at a friend's bachelor party (we weren't engaged a the time, but he KNEW how much i HATE the idea of strip clubs for so many reasons) - and he went. He said only 1/2 the guys at the party went and 1/2 of them stayed home. So, he had the opportunity to bail - and he didn't. I was pretty bummed. He always says he doesn't like going to strip clubs, but then he has a chance to not go - and he GOES! But I mean, what can I do? At least he told me about it?? I don't know...
I told him I would be sad (not mad, not angry - but seriously hurt) if he went to the strip club for his bachelor party. But his best man is the king of strip clubs - so I'm pretty sure they'll end up there. I don't think he'll be able to say no to him if that's what they plan. Even knowing how I feel about it. I really don't know what I'll do if that's what ends up happening. It definitely won't be the best way to start our marriage.....
My feelings about this are WAY too strong to voice a rational opinion. This hits WAY too close to home for me. I just wanted to say that I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feels that watching other naked people is a way to celebrate an upcoming marriage. I don't feel quite so alone now. Thanks girls!
(before anything is said...not that I'm bashing those who feel otherwise-this is just MY opinion)
jbsgirl - i'm TOTALLY there. i live in fear of the bachelor party b/c his really good friend from high school is more than likely going to be his best man, and he is not exactly one of my favorite people. not to mention that i've actually gone to a strip club with my SO and this guy and other pple as a group (which was surprisingly kinda fun the first time, and the next time was something i'm still trying to block mentally and almost caused me to break up with my SO). i know what his friend is capable of and i don't like it. my SO won't say no because he thinks this guy is god and i'm afraid that my SO would tell me he wouldn't go to a strip club to appease me, but when he's out and drunk and his friend suggests it, he'll give in. i'm sooo not the jealous type and i definitely have a huge amount of trust in my SO, but there's something about the thought of him at strip club with his best friend and some other dudes and getting lap dances and lord knows what else that makes me want to vommit!
Def calm down!! but I would be BULLSHIT as well. I think its awesome that he did not go along with the rest of the group, that right there shows you how much he respects you as well as your wishes. I would say in this situation cut him some slack, he did the right thing for your relationship, you cant help or control who his friends are or what they chose to do, nor really can you control what your man does. be happy he loves you and respects you and cut him a break on this one, be nice, I'd be super pissed too believe me, id be fuming, but your honey did the right thing!!! :)
AND the fact the the Bride's brother was there is disgusting, my brother would NEVER do that.
Good grief-I meant to say:
"I just wanted to say that I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feels that watching other naked people is baloney as a way to celebrate an upcoming marriage." Too late to edit. Sorry.
I guess I don't understand why you're angry with him. He can't really help who was at the bach party. He just showed up, and it sounds like you said these guys aren't his normal friends. He kept his agreement with you. He came home to you instead of going to some trashy stripper joint. He deserves your verbal appreciation for keeping the rules. I would definitely put it on him to make it clear to his friends that there are no strippers at his own bach party. It sounds like his friends think it's all you, and they enjoy trying to bring him in on it just to get a rise out of you. If he establishes the rules hopefully they'll understand that these are his wishes as well.
lol.. got lactated on! serves him right.. strip clubs are nasty! although I'd like to agree with everyone else and say you were acting irrationally, I read your post to my FI and he said, "sounds like something you would say.." so good job!
I agree that it is disrespectful to celebrate your impending marriage to someone by looking at other people naked. I totally don't see the point of that and it just sounds really immature and stupid (Are they even ready for a marraige?) BUT, I think I'd have praised your FI about not going along with the stupid guys. He can't control what other people do for their bachelor's party, but he controlled himself but not participating. *thumbsup*
My FI and I agreed that there will be no strip clubs involved in the bachelor's party, and I think the groom could always tell his friends who he doesn't want to participate. It's not like if the friends throw him one, he'd be obliged to go. He should feel offended for not respecting his request, imo. Anyway. We'll see. FI said they'll probably do something like paintball lol.
ok...what's the problem here?
i don't want my fiance going to strip clubs, but i wouldn't be pissed bc his friends want to go. you can't force your ideals on his friends...
just imagine how difficult it must have been for him to put up with his guy friends begging him to go to the strip club/teasing him, but he made the decision you would have wanted him to make. it sounds like you're a lucky woman! count your blessings and keep your fingers crossed that his friends don't try to bring female entertainment to your fiance's bash!
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OK, now I know there have been a lot of heated posts about this topic so ladies, let's not get nasty.
My FI and I have a "no strippers" policy regarding our respective parties. He's not into it, I'm not into it. I find it disrespectful to celebrate your impending marriage to someone by looking at other people naked. Just my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own, but that is mine.
So, this weekend my FI went to his friend's bach party in New Orleans. After drinking during the day, at night a lot of the guys hit the strip clubs. FI did not go with them. So I should be happy about this, right? Well I still wasn't. I don't know, it just really aggravated me that he was even a part of a group where people were doing that, regardless of whether or not he went with them. I'm not a prude, but I just find it disrespectful. What bothered me I think was that, while I know he's not into it and didn't go, what if for his own bachelor party some of his friends decide that they want to go or like surprise him with a stripper or something. I'll f**king flip out. I swear I will. I guess it's not about him but the company he was keeping that really ticked me off but I was a total b***h on the phone all weekend and last night when he got home. Like, you want a f**king medal because you didn't go to a strip club? STFU. I'm PMS-ing too, which isn't helping.
Needed to vent about this. I know I'm irrationally angry about it and I said as much to him, but I still can't shake my s**tty mood.