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Um. Well I don't think you have the right to be as mad as you are, frankly.
Men aren't usually "Men of Honor" in weddings. I would guess that your friend doesn;t know what is expected of him, and that his lack of participation is probably because he is clueless that he is supposed to throw you a shower, etc. and not because he doesn't care for you.
Just try and remember that a shower is not required (although is is nice) and try to accept that your Man of Honor isn't going to fulfill the role to the degree you had hoped. Enjoy him standing up for you on your day, but beyond that I wouldn't expect much.
None of those things are required, just nice. Maybe, b/c he's a guy, he thinks it's not a big deal (aka he's not listening to his wife?). He didn't say that he couldn't afford to throw you a part (so the chairs, vacation, etc are all quite moot in my opinion), he probably just didn't think of it
are you having other bridesmaids? what about your mom? what about your fmil? somebody else easily could've offered to throw one. If you really wanted a party, you could've arranged it yourself, bought all the food, and gone out with your girlfriends as a regular night out. You could've asked him, too, if he had any ideas and said something along the lines of, "hey i was wondering if you had a weekend you wanted to throw the X party. I want to keep it as simple as possible, so don't do anything crazy! i just want to hang out with everyone" or something so you don't come across as greedy for gifts (make it like, you wanna know the schedule).
20 days out is pushing it, but a lot of women have their bachelorette parties a week or two in advance, so....
inquire nicely, but don't act entitled about it. that won't fly
I think you needed to talk to him about what you expected his "duties" to be before 20 days before your wedding.
it's kinda late now to be mad about it! And other people could have filled in these roles as well as he is a guy and probably has never been to a bridal shower or bachelorette party before.
I agree with the others. He probably doesn't really know what is expect (and guys aren't great at planning). If I were a guy, I would probably feel awkward planning a bridal shower and bachelorette party because those are girl-only events. I didn't have either of them before my wedding and even though it's sad, it wasn't the end of the world.
I don't think Men 'get it' and am not surprised to hear he blew off the bach party and shower planning. Sorry! And there are no real expectations as to what bridesmaids/moh's have to do for a wedding except for show up to the wedding.
I don't think you should let him off the hook just b/c he's a guy... come on. That excuse might work for the shower, but guys know about bachelor parties... bachelorette parties aren't much different unless you're having a spa day or something.
But, I agree that it is a little too late. If you want a night out, be upfront with him about it. Ask him point blank if and when he is planning on getting everyone together to celebrate before the wedding.
I think this is why guys usually aren't Men of Honor - they don't have any interest in showers etc. Women are more likely to enjoy planning these types of events.
It might have been better to ask him to do a reading rather than have him be in your bridal party. I think you might have been expecting too much.
I think the biggest problem here was that you expected his wife to let him know about all the rules. If it had come from you then it would probably mean a lot more. Of course, you still have time to have a shower thrown (think finger foods in his man cave so he can show off his new chairs) and if you're super set on having a bachelorette, I'd see if somebody else can throw it for you as he'll most likely feel uncomfortable otherwise.
I think you might be expecting too much. A few friends of mine have had 'men of honor' but their girls were the ones who planned events. I just don't think it is a man thing. It is nice that you wanted to honor him in that way, so just remember the reasons that you wanted him to stand up with you in the first place and maybe see if any of your other girlfriends are interested in taking the reigns...
Honey, I had a female MOH and she did jack sh*t in terms of wedding prep, etc. Frankly a man wouldn't have a clue.
No one, including your bridal party, is obligated to throw you a shower or do anything else for you, and asking for one is rude. The bridal party is required to buy a dress/rent a tux and show up on time. That's it. And you shouldn't judge other people's finances - maybe he had been saving for a long time to buy those chairs - it wouldn't be fair of you to ask him to dip into that money for your wedding.
Is it possible that your man of honor thinks you are unconvential (since you did ask a guy to be your MOH) and just assumed that you wouldnt want or need these convential events?
I think there was a real lack of communication here and the worst part is you are seriously running out of time. Get your girls together and start planning the bachelorette party ASAP, since you can totally do that last minute and it doesnt have to be expensive. However, I think the bridal shower is a lost cause :o(. So sorry!
I'm planning it all myself and as I told people they offered to help. Now I have some friends planning it along with me.
IMHO, it seems as if your expectations were a little high because he is a guy. They dont really know all of whats involved and they cant be bogged down with too many details otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure. All of those things are agreeably, niceties, but not requirements. You have a right to be angry, but you missed your mark a little on this one, unfortunately, I'm sorry. Have you talked to him at all to see where his head is at on this? Maybe he would like to step down?
I agree with the other girls, a bridal party on some wedding websites or in books imply that there are "duties" but really it's just fun stuff that would be nice if they were handled but are not required. If he's supposedly your best friend then why haven't you openly talked about a few things before now? Personally, I think your attitude has probably put a little bend in things.
I cant really see a man throwing a bridal shower OR a bachelorette party even if he is the Man of Honor. If I were a Women of Honor I definitely wouldnt feel comfortable throwing the bachelor party! I think you need to talk to him before your feelings boil up. Do you have other BM's that could throw the bachelorette party?
I’m unclear from your post if YOU told him what exactly you expected of him as MOH when you got engaged, or only if his wife told him in general terms about what MOH generally do.
The only thing I expect from my MOH is that she come to my wedding, wearing the dress we picked out (and honestly, if she showed up in a different dress, that would be fine too). Everyone has different expectations – and you have to make them clear at the get-go.
If you specifically told him when you got engaged that you wanted a bachlorette party and a shower, then I think you do have a right to be somewhat pissed. If you didn’t tell him, honestly, I don’t think you have a right to be pissed. Not everyone wants those two events – or those events to be done in the same way – so if you didn’t explain to him what you expected, then you can’t really be too mad that he didn’t do what you wanted.
I'm sorry that you feel upset, but if you didn't dictate exactly what you wanted from him, then you can't really be mad at him. I'm so sorry! I can feel your disapointment. Maybe it's not too late for him to throw together an impomptu bach party for you?
I think those things should have been handled by other bridesmaids or family. They aren't required events and he probably didn't know he was supposed to, even if his wife told him. Did you lay out your expectations to him or just assume that someone would clue him in?
OP states His wife advised him of all the responsibilities that came along with this title. So I don't think it's a matter of him being clueless. I think he just doesn't care enough? Is it possible, OP that you two drifted too far apart? He's married now and the friendship you used to have, is slightly different? But listen, his closest female companion, his wife, I'm sure has COMPLTELY filled him in on what you are expecting. Is she jealous at all of your relationship with him?
And I hate hate hate when people, like one poster above, state that OP can't or shouldn't judge other people's finances: And you shouldn't judge other people's finances - maybe he had been saving for a long time to buy those chairs - it wouldn't be fair of you to ask him to dip into that money for your wedding. If the guy (or anyone) can't afford to be part of a wedding then DO NOT accept an invite to be part of the wedding. In a sense, OP MAY judge his financial state because it is affecting HIS role as HER male of honour. I get what OP is saying. This guy seems to have the money to party and even throw a party for someone he's known a lot less time then OP. I would be hurt too !
My advice is to swiftly tell him you need more emotional support and you are therefore happy to see him at the wedding as a guest but you will be asking "Miss X" to step in instead.
Edit * Oh wait ! It's 20 days before the wedding? I guess there's no time for anything but in that case, tell him you are asking someone else to step in anyway so at least he gets that you are upset. If he is still your "best friend" he will make it up to you. I have a sneaky suspicion though that wifey is jealous of you? You were different in asking a male to step in, continue being gloriously different and have a bachelorette AFTER you get back from your honeymoon? Have a shower on your one month anniversary and make it co-ed? Good luck girl ! xo
Everybody 'gets' what she's saying, but not everyone is agreeing with it. It's nobody's business what one does with one's own money. Maybe he's in credit card debt up to his eyeballs right now because of his purchases. Many people live for the moment and worry about paying for it later. Who knows what the real situation with him is?
I think if there's other women involved in the bridal party, THEY should have tried to put something together if he wasn't. You may be taking your anger out on one guy, but why not all of them then? From every wedding I've been involved with, its never just the MOH planning everything........it's the entire bridal party.
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I am PISSED!!!
My bestfriend in the world is a guy who I went to highschool with many moons ago. We had always laughed and joked around that if and when I ever decide to get married he would be my Male of Honor. Well when I finally got engaged back in November I asked him and he happliy agreed to do it. His wife advised him of all the responsibilities that came along with this title.
Well here it is 20 days before my wedding and do you think he has done anything??? He has NOT thrown/hosted me a bridal shower nor has he arranged to throw me a bachelorette party. But he has: bought brand new leather chairs for his man cave at his home, hosted several bbq's at his house each weekend, went downtown to the local bars and racked up tabs between $100-200 each time, had a going away block party for a drinking buddy (who he has known less time than me) and last but not least gown to Hawaii for 10 glorious days with his wife.
And to top it off each time my fiance mentions anything that has to do with what he is/supposed to do he says that he doesn't have the money - they are broke!!! But it seems mightly funny to me that he has money to do what he WANTS to do but none to do what he is SUPPOSED to do when it comes to me and my wedding.
This whole siutation has left me with a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to him and our friendship. Now I see who my real friends are!!!
Please tell me if I have a right to be as pissed as I am???