Planned proposal?

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@LincsMama:  I think it’s bizarre. It’s bad enough when family members don’t take your relationship seriously until you have a ring on your finger. It’s even worse when you don’t acknowledge your own commitment until you have a ring on your finger. It’s all about the ring for a lot of people, which I cannot wrap my head around but whatever…

Post # 5
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Maui

I thought it was strange at first too.  Before I found this website, I thought it was normal to talk about the possibility of marriage with one’s partner before getting engaged, but overall I had a pretty traditional idea that the proposal was supposed to be a surprise, as well as the ring.  Poking around here I see that there are a lot of different approaches nowadays.  My boyfriend and I have expressed intention to get married to each other, so in my mind we are engaged.  However, he wants to propose to make it official and he told he will do it sometime this month.  I told him I don’t need a ring but he insists he would like to get me some kind of present at least.  Oh well, whatever floats his boat.


Post # 6
6788 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

To me the engagement was all about the ring. We had been together 7 1/2 years, own a home together, and our level of commitment to one another hasn’t changed since we got engaged. The only thing different is I got my ring and we set a date to be married. So yes, I waited for his planned proposal to announce our engagement so I could show off my ring.

Post # 7
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

@LincsMama:  FI and I knew we’d be married ‘some day’, but the proposal marked the beginning of talking specifics: fixing a particular wedding date, actively searching for a venue and to put down a deposit because we’ve formally promised to go through with the marriage. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a more blurred transition into planning 😀

Post # 8
3342 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@LincsMama:  yes I agree with you, the planned “surprise” proposal seems so artificial and theatrical. NMS.

Post # 9
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LincsMama:  I find them totally strange! It’s just something I cannot wrap my head around. 

Post # 10
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

Where I live (traitionally) the groom asks for the bride’s hands by her parents. So when he did I knew it was coming 🙂 I didn’t have a romantic proposal either. But him asking me if I would be willing to be his wife was more than enough. So i guess it depends on where you live,culture and religion 

Post # 11
515 posts
Busy bee

@LincsMama:  I think it just depends how you look at it. My SO and I have been talking about marriage for quite some time, and while some people might say that we are engaged because we have intent to marry, I wouln’t feel right planning a wedding without being proposed too first. Also, to him, buying a ring and presenting me with it is something that is VERY important to him because in his culture, it is important to ask permission from BOTH families and then present the future bride with a gift. On the other hand, I’m from the south and most everyone has the attitude that a girl has to have to ring before she is technically engaged…it’s just how it is. People would think I was crazy if i just started planning a wedding and he hadn’t even proposed yet lol. SO and i did set a tentative time to get engaged because 1) I’m in grad school and have to plan a wedding around that 2) He is about to go into law school and 3) We do not currently live in the same state so i need time to figure out the wedding plans and then moving plans. I still expect that my proposal will be meaningful and sweet…and I think EVERY girl (and sometimes guy) deserves one. After all, we usually only get once chance at it 🙂

Post # 12
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LincsMama:  SO started asking questions about what I would want in a wedding and jewelry at the end of 2012. I didn’t read too much into it. In April or so of 2013, before he left for work one day, he asked me to put together a list of e-rings and email it to him. The following weekend, he said, ” Let’s go look at rings and get your finger sized.” It was around then that I joined this site. We lived together and have combined finances. I know what’s in the ring fund, I know what the ring is and where it’s coming from, and I know it’ll be purchased this month.

The proposal is up to him, but I am sure it will be within a week of the ring arriving. Yes, I would consider us engaged. He has listed me as his fiancee on paperwork and in other settings. For instance, he refers to me as his fiancee to our realtor. Even so, we’re not telling family until the ring is on my finger, though both sets of parents know a ring is being saved for, and both families have asked us for years when we would marry.

I still identify as a waiting bee. We aren’t setting a date until after the proposal happens. We do already know how our wedding will go. It’s not about the ring, but the ring is an important symbol. The excitement of this time hasn’t been lessened. Also, I don’t know of anyone in my family or SO’s that had a surprise proposal. As for a theatrical proposal, I just want a “Will you marry me?” since he hasn’t actually asked that. We could both be in our PJs at the time, but I did tell him he can take me to IHOP first if he wants to get fancy. : )


Post # 13
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I don’t enjoy surprises- I never have. And to for me at least, I wanna get married because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to get engaged for a big sparkly diamond and the ability to really start planning my wedding

Post # 14
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I also find it strange, but hey – whatever floats your boat. 

What does annoy me is when couples are “unofficially” engaged or “engaged to be engaged.” You are either engaged or not engaged! I’ve heard of couples who told everyone they were “unofficially engaged” and then got upset when their friends/family weren’t excited about their “real” engagement. Sorry, you only get one engagement!

Post # 15
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@LincsMama:  We talked about marriage and permanent life things like buying a house and retirement for a while before we actually decided to be married, but when we did, it was a conversation (short version: he asked if I wanted to, I asked if he was sure and why, he explained his reasoning and said he was, I said well then hell yes) not a down-on-one-knee surprise proposal. And then we went ring shopping and started planning. We told immediate family and close friends right away, but he wanted me to wait to tell casual friends/work colleagues etc till the ring was here.

I think there’s a lot of pressure on guys to be seen as doing it “right” (and some pressure on women to have a great story about skywriting or whatever to match “the rock”) so I agreed to that. I personally was delighted with the conversation we had vs a surprise popped question. It just seems like such a HUGE decision to make without any discussion! And I don’t see the distinction between having that discussion and then waiting for the “real” proposal. If he had dropped to one knee in public, I would still have said yes, but I would have had some questions after that would have been very awkward (somehow “Are you sure? Then YES!” feels better to me than “YES! …are you sure?”)

People keep seeming disappointed on my behalf that there was no big surprise proposal, but… I’m a super high-anxiety person and having a firm plan in place for how and when we’re getting married takes so much stress and misery out of the process of planning our upcoming interstate move (he’s military). Deciding that’s what we would do and then waiting around for him to “surprise” me with the ring before it was official would have been hell for me. Asking when and how he did rather than the way TV and movies said he should showed the kind of understanding of and respect for my personality and values that makes me want to marry him in the first place.

Post # 16
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Talk is cheap.  Me and FI talked a lot about marriage while we were dating.  Lots of men talk about marriage.  Spending your hard-earned cash for a ring? That’s real.  That, to me at least, is when marriage stops being a wish and starts becoming a concrete plan.  Like, we had talked a lot about finances before being engaged.  After, we pulled out the bank statements and the stock portfolios and RRSP plans and started making a budget plan for the rest of our lives.  We had talked about when we’d be engaged and when we’d be married- but it wasn’t real to me until I had the ring on my finger. 


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