Post # 1
I was just wondering if there were any other bees out there struggling with the planning of a wedding when you really just wanted to elope. My FI knew since before we got engaged that I didn’t really want a big wedding as I have few close friends and even less family. He however is from a large family and wanted a wedding to match. I agreed as he views marriage as a public declaration, whereas I find it incredibly private and personal. I have however been left to do the majority of the budgeting and planning. I am finding this incredibly stressful as I don’t have much of a support network (no bridesmaids and an unhealthy relationship with my mother) and when I do come up with plans, FI complains that they aren’t what he wants. A lot of the time what he wants are completely disproportionate – he wants at least 3 ‘best men’ to counter my 0 bridesmaids. He is also hesitant to take an hour out of the day to visit my Grandmother, who is not in a position to attend, as he’d rather spend it with everyone. It is a partial destination wedding ( we have relocated and family is the other end of the country) so everyone will be around for a few days before and after the wedding. To him the budget is endless – apparently we can save X amount at the drop of a hat – and yet I am the one crunching numbers (we are paying for it ourselves). I hate the arguing, especially when he calls me unreasonable for trying to point out exactly why some ideas are illogical – such as having the wedding at 10.30 am and the reception at 7pm – many of the guests are elderly and they just wouldn’t last that long.
I am also dreading the ‘walking down the aisle’ moment. I have cripplingly low self esteem, and hate the sight of myself in the mirror. I can think of nothing worse than having to walk into a church full of people most of whom I wither don’t know, or would consider acquaintances at best.
I understand why he wants a bigger wedding, I really do, I just wish he’d get involved with the planning since it’s what he wants (or perhaps, is expected by FMIL). I also wish he’d realise how upset I am getting over it. All I’ve ever wanted is to elope, there are too many formalities associated with weddings that I sincerely want to avoid ( my father passed away when I was younger and is never really spoken about, and I know I will feel his absence on our wedding day). I’m trying really hard, and am feeling very down at the moment.
Has anyone else struggled with planning a wedding when you’d much rather elope? I know that in the end I’m sure I’ll enjoy it, but for now it really hurts.
Sorry for my garbled / slightly depressed venting 🙁
Post # 3
((Hugs)) I’m so sorry this is such a rough time for you. It’s unconscionable that your FI isn’t helping more when he knows it’s so stressful. Have you sat him down and had a serious discussion with him about your feelings? I mean beyond not wanting a big wedding – the general stress, the sense of doing this all alone, the lack of realism on his part.
I can empathize somewhat. I, too, wanted to elope, but since this is FI’s first (and hopefully only!) wedding, he decided he wanted to go the traditional route. My dreams of a short and sweet just-us ceremony on a tropical beach at sunset are put on hold for a later vow renewal. I’m not struggling with my planning, but it’s definitely not the perfect wedding I have in my mind. The day will be beautiful, and I’m going to be supremely happy and proud of myself for putting it all together, but for now it feels a little blah. I think every bride goes through a moment or a period in the planning process like this.
Like you said, in the end you will enjoy the day and make beautiful memories. Keep that thought close to your heart and definitely post on WB as often as you need!
Post # 4
I can kind of relate as my husband and I wanted to elope but panned a small wedding instead to avoid hurting our families. Even though it was a small wedding, I didn’t enjoy most of the planning process (kind of hated it honestly) up until the month before the wedding, when I started to get excited and enjoyed seeing all of the planning come together. I too, dreaded walking down the aisle as I hate to be the center of attention, but once I saw my hubby waiting and smiling at me, I was filled with a sense of calm joy and it was fantastic…everything else faded away.
Can you have a heart-to-heart with your FI and explain how you’re feeling? You deserve to have who you are refected in your special day just as much as he does. Just because you’re planning a more traditional wedding, don’t get pressured into doing a bunch of stuff you don’t want. We did an intimate brunch reception rather than an all-night raging party, didn’t have bridesmaids or groomsmen, etc. Maybe make a list of what your vision is and have him do the same and then each of you are allowed to pick 3 “must-have’s” to help balance things out?
Post # 4
I can relate 100% to all of this, even down to your father’s passing. In addition to my feeling that I want my wedding to be more of an “us” thing than an everyone-and-their-mother thing, I am just not a terribly sentimental, romantic person so it’s hard for me to attach much significance to details and planning of the day.
My guy also has a huge family and wanted a big wedding for the longest time. I have dug my heels in on this particular issue since the very beginning of our relationship, even going as far as to say, “You are welcome to a big wedding, but it won’t be with me!” 😉 Luckily, his sister is planning a very big wedding to accommodate the whole family and he has a front row seat to what a mess it has become. Now he is finally on board with my vision of a spontaneous weekend in Vegas.
I’m sorry you are stuck planning a wedding you don’t love. How did the planning get delegated to you? Is there anyway you can give this back to him? It sounds like it’s more so his event than yours, it wouldn’t be asking too much to take up some of the tasks involved.