(Closed) Planning a wedding with a toxic mother

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If she’s really going to threaten pulling her money, then I say let her do it.  If she is giving you no say, it might be best to just start back at square one and plan the wedding you and your Fiance can afford.  Do you really want this many headaches during your entire planning process?

Post # 4
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Don’t let her pay for your wedding.  Pay for it yourselves or elope.  When you allow someone else to pay it means they are hosting the event and have the final say in every detail.  The only way she might relent is if you go to counseling together but that would likely put the brake son your wedding which I am sure you really don’t want to do.  Maybe the threat of eloping will make her more agreeable?

Post # 5
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Simple solution: Don’t take her money.


Post # 6
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@doubtingdebbieah:  Leave her out of planning. Don’t take her money. See if you can get a loan from the bank or something. She will make your wedding day about her and you will regret it.

Post # 7
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Either step back and let your mother plan your wedding and release control (being grateful that she’s footing the bill) – or, take control and pay for your own wedding.

Post # 9
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

you refuse the money from people who insist on their way just because they’re contributing.

Post # 10
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Whoever pays says. If you don’t want her input do not take her money. If you take her money you then have to take her opinion. Sucks, but that’s how it goes. Is cutting her contribution an option? You are going to have to do that or call her bluff and pick what you like and see what she does. 

Post # 12
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have first hand witnessed what a toxic mother can do…..twice. My mother made planning both my siblings weddings a nightmare. My sister has just celebreated her 5th anniversary and her one regret five years later……letting my mother pay for any part of the wedding. It has scared her. Don’t do it, please. Your wedding is once in a lifetime; look back years from now and remember your wedding with love and delight, not the drama your mother caused you. Best wishes.

Post # 13
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The other solution is you decide what she gets to pay for and gets final say on. Agree on what your FI’s parents are paying for and they get final say on. If you have any money you are contributing decide the things that matter the most to you and ONLY you and your Fiance get a say in that. Instead of just doing total cost of wedding divided between your mother and his parents. This way everyone who is paying gets a say and doesn’t have to argue with her about their parts.

Though honestly I would recommend not taking her money. Its easy to say if its NOT a gift (but blackmail) I don’t want it! She could pull the money out at any time and you could really be screwed if that happened. That’s the main reason why I say you shouldn’t take her money- its risky if she’s being tempermental. If you reserve a venue and then she doesn’t foot the bill for it and its too expensive for you to pay for- you will really be in a bind 🙁

Post # 14
13 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

I faced a similar situation with my Mother-In-Law. She is the most vile woman ever, and allowing her to pay ANY portion of our wedding would be something she would hold over us for the rest of our lives. 

Simple solution- I told her I do not want any of her money for our wedding. 

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