Post # 1
I don’t know of anyone going thru something similar or what but any advice would be helpful. I was adopted when I was younger and cut off all contact with my birthmom (not by choice). As I got older, went to college, could think for myself, I made the decision to have a relationship with my birthmom and my other estranged siblings. This highly upset my adopted mom and she became distant. When I told adopted mom that I wanted to invite my mom and sibling to my wedding she got upset and she hasn’t talked to me since. That was nearly a year ago. Adopted mom has a bad temper and is very controlling. I am glad to have her out of my life because she is very negative and always has been. A part of me is hurt because I stopped planning my wedding and dipped into a downward spiral of saddess. I am awakening a stronger person but the pain still lingers. My adopted mom knows that I am getting married and just does not care. She has cut off other before, even family and does not talk to them again.. so there is not point in reaching out. I feel as though she prefers it this way. She knows it hurts. I am not allowed to see my adopted family because I do not talk to her. So here I am, planning a wedding, alone, and its awful.
Anyone with a similar experience? How did you handle planning your wedding and still make it beautiful occasion without the sadness?
Post # 3
@slrd: yeah I’m basically on my own too. I don’t have a great relationship with my family nor my FI’s family. I do have my BFF back so there is her but, it kinda hurts walking into a bridal boutique and the salesperson asking is someone joining me and I’m always saying no. For a long time I felt like I couldn’t celebrate my engagement because I had no one to really celebrate with. My ideal situation is so far from my reality it’s not even funny but I bring myself out of it just thinking- well if my mom being eactly who she is today wanted to involve herself in my wedding would I be any happier- NO- that goes for most of my other family so I get over it because while I would love to have my mom go dress shopping with me- she’s really not the person I want with me- I want the mom i made up in my head the one i’m convinced that every other bride to be in the boutique has. I think that you have to let go of what isn’t and what could be so that you can enjoy what actually is. What is for you is that you have a man you love that wants to marry you and you him- you’ve reconnected with your birthmom- you’ve gotten distance between you and a controlling person- and a future to look forward to! celebrate the good. You can’t change people and they can’t change you- and sometimes that’s a very good thing. I wish you the best.
Post # 4
@TerraMarie: Thanks so much! Its nice to know someone feels the same. I feel like if I wasn’t planning a wedding, I wouldn’t even care as much – its just, like you said, going to a bridal boutique or wording on an invitation that stings. Its a reminder of loss or abandonment, whether your omther passed or just decides to stay out of your life. So much about wedding planning revolves around that mother – daughter relationship. I just started planinng again and this time I am going to try to make it just about my fiance and I, which is how it should be anyway. Thanks again for your reply!
Post # 5
@slrd: We decided to cut off contact with FI’s family until after our wedding because his mom is ACTIVELY trying to prevent our marriage. And it all came as a surprise to us in about the last 3 weeks. In other words, she has pretended to like me and has faked her happiness for us. It came a total shock to us, but we aren’t playing around…we won’t have her treating us like this. The reasons she gives are insane. Literaly. None of them make sense. They sound made up. We both think she’s full of shit.
So…no one in his family wil be invited to my showers. No one will be invited to anything until after we are married. We aren’t hanging out with them. I mean…no contact at all.
It’s a sucky feeling for us both. FI is embarrassed and extremely hurt by her actions. I sure didn’t plan this for my future MIL!
Post # 6
@slrd: I’m in a similiar situation with my own mom. She’s completely toxic and is making wedding planning miserable. I posted about her recently. Many bees gave me the advice I needed to hear: just bc shes “mom” doesn’t give her permission to treat you this way. My advice is to carefully word how you feel to her (like, “I” statements: I feel ___ when you say ____) and if she doesnt respond/apologize/realize anything then you know you’ve done your part. You have every right in the world to seek out your birth mom, and your adopted mom should hopefully have thought about this scenario when she was planning to adopt you. She sounds very immature. I hope it all works out!!!