Post # 1
Hey fellow brides & wives,
I finally decided to stop lurking and start joining in on the wedding conversations here. My fiancé and I have had a whirlwind romance and he proposed to me after only 1.5 months of dating. By the time we’re married, we’ll have been together for a over a year. I have no doubt in my mind that he is the man I want to spend forever with.
But…for some reason the wedding planning isn’t jiving for me. I’m trying to get into it because I know things need to get done, but I’m feeling very dispassionate about it. I think it’s because my mom passed away Nov. 2010 and aside from buying a house, this is the first big thing I’m going to do without her. I mean, this is a major milestone in my life…and I have no mom to help me, or share with me, or gab with. It’s…tough.
One part of me just wants to run up to the justice of the peace and do it…so that it’s not a big ordeal. Another part of me knows that this is supposed to be the best and biggest day of my life and I want it to be grand. Sigh…
Just based on the countless episodes of Say Yes to the Dress I’ve seen where the bride’s mom has passed away…I…just can’t do that. Dress shopping is what I’m LEAST looking forward to.
Are there any other mom-less brides out there with tips on how to get through all of this? I should probably add that I’m also an only child and she was a single parent. Allllll alone….yep. 🙁
Thanks for your advice.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry for your loss. I am sure this is very difficult for you. I can’t really comment from the same place, but I am planning my wedding without my mother.
I have had great difficulty with my mother and due to her abusive behaviour I have chosen not to include her in my wedding planning. How often do I wish I had a nice supportive mother to help me along? Always. I have amazing friends and FI’s mom to help me when I need it. I would suggest you try to bond with someone who will be supportive and involved – not as a mother replacement – but someone who can be on your side and you can go to for support.
You have your FI! He loves you. A SO will never replace a parent, but he is a source of love you can lean on. This is about your new life together. You don’t have to make it a big to-do if you aren’t into that. Just have a small wedding or elope if that’s what you feel like.
I wish you all the best.
Post # 4
It’s i hard… I am trying to figure this out myself. It feels like I am clueless. I am also an only child from a single parent.
Are you close to any older women?
Post # 5
I lost my mother when I was 16, and although it has been over ten years, I still get sad when I think about it and am prone to cry about it. But I have my faith and I knwo she will be there and probably have the best seat in the house the whole day! What about any friends, or your F’s mom? I knwo that it’s not the same, but I took my favorite aunt with me dress shopping. I didn;t have a say yes to the dress moment. It’s still a dress… it’s still fabric and stitching to me. I didnt cry. I just said yep this is it.
I dont knwo about you, but when I think about getting married… I dont think so much about the fact that my mom wont be there, I think about the people that are coming all over for us to be there, and I think about the opportunity I have to be a mom someday myself.
I was raised by my grandma and I lost her in 2010 too, and I’ve found that I think about my mom and grandma a lot not that Fi and I are living together and I’m in the “housewife” role. I think about the things my mom and gram did for me, and I find myself saying and doing the things they did.
For example, Everytime I make soup, I find myslef saying “it’s a bowlful of health!” Something my grandma said everytime she made soup. And these little things make me smile.
Why don’t you try to incorporate your mom in small ways during your day. No one wants it to be a huge memorial the whole day… but I’m wearing my mom’s engagement ring and wedding band, and My grams blue earrings for my blue. Find small ways that mean something to you, that no one necessarily has to even knwo about. But you will know, and it will make you feel like your mom is close.
Post # 6
Thanks @bella128, my FI is great, too. He lost his twin brother when they were 21, so he totally understands the hurt and pain that comes from losing someone super close. I’m getting more excited as I start actually making plans, but I’m trying to keep reminding myself that I shouldn’t be sad because my mom won’t be there…I should be happy and excited for this day.
@aicila, not reallllly. One of my mom’s sisters (my Aunt) lives nearby, but she’s totally annoying and I would never include her in my plans anyway. LOL. Every other older woman I could possibly turn to is out of state. I’ve been running things by my married friends and coworkers. I think coming to the realization that your mom won’t be at your wedding is a tough one…I guess it’s all a process.
Post # 7
@nl Thank you so much. You’re right, I’ve been thinking about some ways to incorporate my mom (and my FI’s twin) into the day. I hope I can just…make it through the day.
Post # 8
My father passed away when I was 9 and I’m sad that he won’t walk me down the aisle and I won’t have a father daughter dance. I’m not close to any other man in my life so I don’t have a replacement, but just remember they’re there with us in spirit. I know my dad has been with me when I picked out my dress, when picking out a venue and I know your mom is with you while you’re planning. She will be there with you on your wedding day and it sounds like you have an amazing fiancé who is there to support you when you have your not so great days.
Post # 9
@traciemae: it is tough. I don’t have any family either in my state, which sucks. An older teacher has been giving me ideas. What about FI’s mother? I am asking my FI’s mother. It is getting overwhelming.
Post # 10
I find myself crying more than anything.
Post # 11
My mom passed away awhile ago, I’m so sorry for your loss, but your mom never leaves you … ever.
I planned my wedding without my mom and somethings were hard. I went dress shopping with my Dad. I’m sure the man would have loved to be watching soccer but he assures me it was quite an honor to spend that time with me. What about your FMIL? It could be a time to bond with her. I bounced alot of things off my MIL, who is the complete opposite of my mom so that made some things weirder lol
I also did incorporate a few jewelry items of my mom, a locket my dad gave her wrapped around the bouquet and her 25th wedding anniversary ring on my left index finger. We also played her favorite song at the reception. I didn’t want to do anything that would make me stop and think about her not being there because I would bawl.
Feel free to run all your ideas or thoughts past us here at the bee!! They do give out some great advice!
Post # 12
@traciemae: I know what you mean. We’re getting married in April and my mom would have passed away a year the week before our wedding. It’s been really difficult. My stepmother’s been a great help, but she lives out of state and we only talk now and again.
What I found helps me, is I talk to my mom a lot. Like, when I’m driving, I’ll just talk. Tell her what’s going on, things I’ve struggling with, things I wish she were here for. It’s theraputic as heck. That and I try to incorporate her memory into things. Like, the day I went and tried on dresses, I went to the resteraunt that we would frequent for lunch afterwards. It sounds kind of morbid now that I’m sayign it to others, but it really isn’t. It’s more celebratory than anything. 🙂
Post # 13
@aicila FI’s mom is the sweetest thing, but she’s almost 70 and she lives about 2.5 hours away. I’ll probably go down to see her and take her dress shopping and get some baby pictures of FI, but I don’t foresee her making several trips into Chicago. My best friends’ moms have been the best. But as you know…there’s no replacement for your own mother.
Post # 14
Thanks guys. All of these tips are great. @hisirishprincess, you’re right, I’ve been imagining myself bawling the entire night thinking about how she’s not there. But I have to imagine that she is going to be there. Because she is…
Post # 15
@traciemae: I share your same feelings. My Mom passed away recently too. It is hard. Even though family members have attempted to step up to the plate…its not the same. I went dress shopping with (2) aunts, (2) cousins, (1) God-Mother and my BFF. Whew! There were simply too many ppl with too many opnions. I appreciated everyone trying to fill the void but I ended up going back…alone.
One day I let out a long cry and started planning. I’ve been crying and planning ever since. You can do it! I’m sure your Mom would want you to have your “special day”…you deserve it!
Post # 16
I lost my mom in September and have been planning our wedding without her as well. I feel for you. I purposefully went dress shopping (and found my dress) on my mom’s birthday as a way to honor her and include her in the event. It really helped me to get through this first ‘holiday’ after her death and made me feel like she was helping. Maybe there is a special day or anniversary on which you could plan to do ‘weddingy’ things as a way to include her as well.