Planning before the proposal – am I ruining the excitement?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If you’ve already agreed to get married — congrats, you’re engaged. You don’t need a proposal or a ring to be engaged. Plan away.

Post # 4
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I planned a lot before our official proposal, and I do think it did take away some of my excitement.  FI and I even went to look at two venues prior to the engagement to “get ideas”.  I did a lot of emails to vendors and venues and photographers, all prior to the official proposal.  So, when he did propose, although I was beyond happy and excited, I didn’t get that newly enaged, looking at places excitment as well. 

It’s not neccessarily a bad thing, as I was relieved to have some of the planning already done, and I as able to get the exact date I wanted and book our photographer at the previous years rates, due to starting the convo so early, so it did have it’s advantages.  I think as long as you know you will feel this way, and you want to do it anyway, then it’ll be fine!  I wouldn’t change the way it happened, because I got the planning done earlier to not have to panic and be so stressed about it after the engagement.

 

Post # 5
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

@classyashley:  Agreed!

There is no need to wait.  Though I do think he should give his folks the heads up if he thinks they will be upset.

Post # 6
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Also, I disagree, I think you are engaged when you think of yourself as engaged.  Although we had talked about it, even semi planned a date, looked at venues, etc I knew we weren’t officially engaged until he asked me.  Some people don’t need to have that proposal moment- they have a discussion instead, and some people don’t need to have a ring (I didn’t, he proposed without one, and we bought it months later), but everyone has some trigger to think of themselves as engaged.

My FI told me specifically he wanted that proposal moment where he finally asked me and I finally said yes, and we could make all the plans we wanted beforehand but we weren’t “engaged”.  That’s not how it works for everyone, but it sounds like Karenina is in the same boat. 

 

Post # 7
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ugh, this is the same thing I am going through right now. We have a date set but we aren’t ‘officially’ engaged yet and I hit a point where I was so obsessed with venues and dresses and everything that I cut myself off and decided that I will NOT plan anything until I am ‘officially’ engaged. Which should hopefully be by the end of the year…(he has the ring and I am SO ANTSY). But, given that our date is October of 2015 and yours is next summer, I vote that you should start planning now. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I was just drowning in wedding planning that is so far away it doesn’t even matter.

I just lurk on weddingbee all day to satiate my desire to start planning 😉

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I planned our entire wedding in 5.5 months. So as long as he proposes by January 1st, I think you’ll be fine!

Unless you want the best of the best ballroom at the Ritz photographed by National Geographic or something! That will probably be booked!

Post # 9
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

We planned long before the engagement (three months). But we had family health reasons to take into consideration.  I went dress shopping — actually found the dress! — and gathered a ton of ideas about what I wanted, constantly showing him as well and getting his input.  We, like you, even set a date.  But yes, when the time came and he actually proposed, I didn’t have the excitement I feel I should have. I wasn’t floored. I just sort of stood there, mutely stunned, not because he was proposing but because he had a (vintage) ring and wondering where it came from. I didn’t think I would be getting a ring because finances were so tight. Like a PP said, I didn’t have the newly-engaged excitement; it was more of a thing to cross off the checklist on the things to make us “official.” 

It actually really bothered me originally, because both of our families knew we were planning and talking about it, but it wasn’t anything that I could be super excited about because we weren’t engaged. Then, when we were, it wasn’t anything for them to be super excited about because it wasn’t new news. It was like I didn’t feel as special as, say, his sister, who got engaged the “traditional,” surprising way. 

But you know what? It’s okay. I eventually got over my frustration. Now it doesn’t bother me. So what if you “lose” some of the shock value of the engagement, it doesn’t take anything away from the importance and love that surrounds the event. We all have different stories, and no story is less beautiful than any one else’s. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I had a friend who planned her wedding in 3 months. I started planning our wedding far in advance of my actual proposal, and no…to me, it did not take away the excitement. I didn’t go dress shopping until after it was official and my girls and mom made the day SO much fun! And I only just now got my centerpiece pieces (and my wedding is what..like 3.5 months away?)…When we picked out our rings (4th of July weekend) and stuff, I was so excited. When his came in the mail (Tungsten is cheap on Amazon) I ran to him and was like “TRY IT ON TRY IT ON!!”

I’m having a blast. And I’m feeling so relieved that I have had my venue and other things taken care of since September because it leaves me so much less to have to do now.

As far as my actual proposal itself, it was still a surprise, and I was excited that I had my ring, I was excited I could tell people, I was excited that I could “come out of the closet” with planning and talk to EVERYONE about it instead of like 3 people, lol. I didn’t know what the ring would look like or when/where it would be, so I still got my nice surprise and I still got all of the reactions from everyone..

I think it might just be how you look at it.

Congrats! <3

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