Planning the Wedding I Never Wanted . . . blame HIS family

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@PhD_BrideToBe:  How has he responded to the complaints of his family, specifically his mother?

Post # 4
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I had a very similar problem.

I found going to therapy helped a lot (individual, just by myself)

When we had this problem, we delayed our wedding by six months and started from scratch, it really helped us a lot (I kept the dress and all, but a lot of our plans and ideas changed drastically) We wound up going with the bigger wedding, which I am still uncomforatable with but understand that it will truely make my FI happy.

And I also, at the beginning, told FI if he wants this big fat wedding, he can plan it himself. I’ll take the little details that he doesn’t care about, and he can have the big stuff that makes up the big wedding. 

Depends how far into it you really are (I mean, you can always drop a wedding last-minute, just depends how much money you can get back), but I’d sit down and talk with him to let him know that you will no longer plan this wedding…. you’ve done so much, it’s making you miserable and now it’s his turn to take over.

Then let him plan but don’t question his judgement (just question vendor costs!). If he picks a certain DJ, and the price is right… OK, one less thing you had to do.
My FI goes to meetings with vendors by himself and I am perfectly fine with that (he’s found that he really enjoys it, too).

If your FI refuses, and still wants to push you into this wedding that’s making you miserable, I’d suggest putting off your wedding until you two can work out an appropriate comprimise (not a ok-we’ll-do-what-you-want-even-though-I-hate-it comprimise)

The money you put down isn’t worth the misery you’re starting your marriage with. Don’t be afraid to let it go (and certainly to make phone calls to try to get as much of it back as you can)

Post # 5
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you guys need to talk, make sure he is defending you to his family, etc etc.

BUT.

I honestly think, as someone who is on the other side of this, that you need to not let a wedding be the be-all end-all “most important thing ever how dare they take away my vision” kind of disaster. There are a million things in life to be passionate about. Redirect this energy into something positive that you can have more control over, and just revel in the fact that you have someone in your life who wants to marry you and let that be the end of the drama.

Post # 6
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@PhD_BrideToBe:  Is there a way you can call the store the dresses were brought from and see what their return policy is? Also can you call your vendors and see?

I would see how much of a financial “hit” you would take cancelling first before you make any decisions.

Post # 8
Member
2720 posts
Sugar bee

@PhD_BrideToBe:  Girl, I wanted to elope. I gave in to DH and his mother on a wedding even though we only had 43 guest (10 were surprise guests that MIL invited behind my back after we agreed to family only). Let me tell you, five months later and I still resent him for giving in to his mother. I will probably resent him for oh…hmm…the rest of my life. At least a little bit.

I would suggest eloping.

About the planning – since I didn’t want the wedding in the first place and DH’s response to everything was, “I don’t care, do whatever you want,” I quit planning. I told him that if he doesn’t care then I really don’t care. His mother took over the planning and she paid for it. I just showed up. Okay, I still got a few things together because my husband sucks at it but I didn’t know any of the little details.

The vast majority of men do not care about planning a wedding. They just want to get it done…magically.

Post # 9
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow, are you me?  I have the exact same problems, but luckily I’m still nowhere near even starting to plan the wedding yet!

My FI thinks I don’t want the big event as none of my family (grand total of members: 2) will be attending.  My mother lives on the other side of the world, and for health reasons can’t travel anymore.  My brother who lives with her just won’t be able to afford it.  So it will be 100% his family.

But I never wanted to big wedding anyway.  I’ve been married before, had the big wedding and hated it.  I’m bipolar, and have major problems with anxiety.  Weddings are my idea of hell!  

I also resent the cost.  I’d rather have a destination wedding somewhere we love, with just his parents there (although as I’m not keen on them, it wouldn’t kill me if they didn’t attend…)  FMIL even told me when we first got engaged she wouldn’t mind if we eloped!

Myself and FI are both in our mid 40s.  I’ve told him, aren’t we old enough to not have to worry about upsetting your second cousin twice removed?

Post # 10
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

I wouldnt cancel but delay. This has all got wayyy too much out of hand and you need to start again.

Post # 11
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@PhD_BrideToBe:  Oh dear, I am sweating while reading this! You poor thing. Honestly, I think you need to take a bit of a breather for awhile. You need to just take it step by step at this point. As for the wedding planning, you have to really come to terms that this is your wedding and not everyone else honestly.

As for your FI you need to sit down and really conversate with him about the issues. At the end of the day he is marrying you, NOT his family. As for the in-laws, I understand that you care deeply for them, but what you need to come to terms with is that you cannot satisfy everyone.

For two days take a break re-think everything and start again.

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