Planning to propose soon.. getting cold feet

posted 3 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Why are you worried about being rejected?  Have the two of you ever discussed the possibility of marriage before?

Post # 5
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would not propose until you’ve seriously talked with her about marriage.

Post # 6
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am a big believer that the “Proposal” of getting Married should not be something that comes out of the blue

The proposal (in so much as it is an idea) should be something that is discussed in an ongoing fashion via an exchange of conversations & LIFE PLANS

Have you guys had a serious talk about the future, and the LIFE PLANS that each of you have… and where they might overlap ??

Another words, have you shared what you SEE in the future 1, 3, 5, 10 years down the road for yourselves (as individuals)

Example… By the time I am __ I’d like to be finished school.  By __ established in my career.  By __ Engaged, by __ Married.  Then progressing along in my job, maybe buy a house… and by __ think of starting a family, etc.

That is a LIFE PLAN

You share yours, and then you LISTEN to what the other person has to say about theirs.  After that you have a better idea if you are on the same wave length, or not.

IF you are on the same wave length in regards to Engagement, Marriage, Kids… and have had mushy off the cuff talks about “someday” (as in, someday when we are older / Engaged / Married / Have Kids it would be cool to ___ “) then you are in good shape.

A Proposal shouldn’t come as a total surprise to either of you, in so much as the other person will be turning you down.

BUT all that known…

You should probably still talk some more about the REAL possibility.

Is it customary / traditional in her family to talk with her Father / Family / Elder… to either Ask for Permission to Marry, or a Blessing of the Marriage

Have you asked about how she feels about ERings?  Would she prefer to be surprised (rare these days) or to give you ideas of what she likes, or to go shopping together ?

In the very least, a girl should go try on rings on her own to see what suits her (cause just like clothes, not every dress off the rack is going to suit every woman… and this is something she has to wear 24/7×365 forever, so for both your sakes, you BOTH need to LOVE it unconditionally)

There are soooo many ways to become Engaged these days… every girl / relationship is different…

The ONLY THING that all Engagements have in common is someone actually asked “Will You Marry Me”

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 7
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Toro:  A proposal should be more of a formality, really. I know my husband and I had discussed marriage for years beforehand, kids, careers, houses, countries, family traditions, finances…etc. There’s a lot that goes into a marriage. 

It sounds like you’re in love and want to make it work with this person and thats great! Cold-feet doesn’t mean anything negative, it just sounds like maybe you weren’t expecting there to be so much to it?

I might slow down a bit. You can still bring the ring with you on vaca if you want and have a long discussion about marriage – if it feels right, then you can go ahead, but if not, just wait. You have a life-time to celebrate, so no big deal if this isn’t the right time or if it is.

And like was said above…I know i was very particular about my ring. I had my dream setting picked out for years. A lot of rings I would be very unhappy about if they didnt fit my style or suit me. With that said, my husband proposed with a “stand in” setting, not wanting to ask me beforehand, but knowing i would want to go with him to pick it out together. So maybe be open to changes and let them know thats okay with you as well if you decide to go through with it. 

 

Post # 8
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

How long have you been together? How old are you? Do you live together?

All of these questions will help up to determine if perhaps you should wait a little longer.

Have you discussed wanting kids? How you would handle finances together? If she should work after having kids (if you want them)? 

You don’t have to propose whilst on vacation. You can make a proposal at home just as meaningful too. BUT perhaps this is just cold feet and you are more prepared than you feel at the moment? 

Post # 9
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Don’t be intimidated by all the over the top proposals online! My FH stressed a lot over the proposal beforehand, but I really didnt care how it happened, because I knew any way he asked, it would be sweet and wonderful because its him. I’m sure your girlfriend feels the same way. you have the ring already, so try not to worry too much over the rest of it.

Post # 10
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Everdeen:  Personally I don’t think any of those questions have any correlation with whether the proposal should be put off.

1. Whether they have been dating 3 months or 3 years, this question is always a stupid one. The amount of time doesn’t affect whether a marriage will work or not. Can you really say it took you over a year to know that your SO was the one? Doubtful. And even if so, what works for you doesn’t mean it will work for someone else. Every relationship is different.

2. No matter what your age is, that doesn’t mean a marriage will work/won’t work. Hell, I know some 20 year olds that are doing better financially and with life in general then their parents are. 

3. What does them living together have to do with an engagement? They could live apart due to religious reasons, work reasons, financial reasons, family reasons, distance reasons..the list goes on. Living together before marriage has yes become a “norm” but was not always so and that has never affected how a relationship will stand the test of time before. 

 

 

So with my rant being over, I think that 

@Toro:  You need to quit second guessing yourself and stressing about the proposal. A proposal like said PP is just a formality. Most proposals aren’t some big thing so don’t stress it so much. I think that PP were right that you should probably discuss marriage a little more deeply before proposing but it isn’t too late for that. You seem to be posting this with a few days left? So bring it up, see what is said and then tread the water from there. You’ll be fine I’m sure and Like I posted above.. 

What works for one relationship does not mean it will work for you. Every relationship is unique and every couple does things their own way.

Post # 11
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@ohhbitty: My questions were more to gage whether or not the girl will be blindsided by the proposal. Two 30 year olds who have been together 2 years and are living together are more likely to have actually talked about the future and be expecting to get married than two 22 year olds dating 3 months and not living together.

I’m not saying that the 22 year olds are 100% not ready for marriage. Just that, as a general rule, the 22 year old girl is a lot less likely to have thought about marriage than the 30 year old. The OP mentioned that he is afraid of rejection and I’m trying to gauge if this concern has legs or is just cold feet. 

What you said is 100% valid, I just wanted to let you know of my motives. 

 

 

 

 

I’m saying this as a 23 year old who does not want to live together before marriage btw.

Post # 12
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

@Toro:  You shouldn’t be worried about getting rejected because you should already know her answer. Tv and movies make proposals seem dramatic and out of the blue but in real life proposals are often simple and the couple will have discussed marriage before. This is the biggest decision of your and her life!

While cuddling in bed just casually ask ‘do you see us married someday?’ or ‘how old do you imagine being when you get married (to me)?’ etc. FI and I had these chats occasionally for over a year up until he proposed. If you get the right answers/signs then go for it and good luck!!!!

Post # 13
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Everdeen:  Ahhhh, I see completely where you are coming from now! 

 

And are you me? I am also a 23 year old not wanting to live together before marriage. We are few and far between nowadays. lol

Post # 14
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@ohhbitty:  Oh I know! People are always assuming that we live together and I constantly hear the “I wouldn’t get married to someone I didn’t first live with” line. I know it will get worse once we are engaged (I’m a waiting bee, fingers crossed for early next year).  Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one who feels this way. Good to find a comrade! It’s hard to explain my reasons to people when they ask though, because it always sounds so judgemental on my part. 

It really just comes down to what you said before, what works for one couple might not work for another couple. 

Post # 15
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Everdeen:  Yeah luckily for me it hasn’t come up much because my SO and I are long distance so people will ask about me moving there and I just kind of shy away and say well I’m not done with school yet. At first I wouldn’t commit to moving there until we were engaged but (I’m still waiting kind of, hoping by end of this month) now that we’ve started kind of wedding planning it just makes way more sense to wait until after the wedding since I’ll be done with school then. Which I realized making this decision made my anxiety go wayyyyy down.. SO really wants me to move there and I feel bad that I said “after engagement” and am not following through but I think he understands and agrees that its the most acceptable and our families will be a lot happier with that as well. 

 

 

(sorry for thread jacking!)

Post # 16
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@ohhbitty:  As long are you and your SO are happy then no one else matters! I may or may not have just stalked your threads and I’m SO excited for you and for the end of November. Can’t wait to see your official proposal post! Btw my SO and I would also wait until we had the ring too if we were in your position, so I completely understand. 

Ok, I’ll stop with the thread jacking now.

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