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Totally get what you're saying. I'm usually a very laid back, chill person, lots of guy friends, etc but I have zero tolerance for porn of Any kind. I consider it cheating--sexual gratification from another person.
I don't buy the whole 'it's a guy thing' either, I guess I just have really high standards and expect my fiance to be a better man. It's completely disrespectful to your partner.
Pornography of any kind is a deal breaker for me- EVEN PLAYBOY! My father was addicted to porn, so it just creeps me out! I have actually dumped guys over this!
Is there any way he can keep his "collectibles" somewhere where you would feel less threatened? Like instead of keeping them in the closet or whatever, he puts them in the attic or storage with other bachelor stuff?
Seriously, explain to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable about your body. You also need some self confidence, girl! Guys are told that this is not only acceptable behavior, but that it's expected of them. So ofcourse they do it! Just realize he LOVES you, he wants to marry you! You must have something those bunnies don't!
I personally think it's a fair compromise that they are away in the garage. I mean unless he lives in the garage he's not even around them generally. I used to be a lot more uptight about this kind of stuff, but I feel that both my husband and I are adults and we have discussed our limits and are both comfortable with what we have established as being okay.
This is really a situation where you have to reach a compromise that both of you are okay with. It sounds like he has compromised by unsubscribing to the magazines and throwing away all but a few and storing them in the garage.
@stbMohror: Just because he got rid of physical magazines doesn't mean he can't just as easily - and for free - access the equivilant on the internet. Just food for thought. Have you had that conversation with him?
I have kinda a double standard with my hubby. While I feel insecure and don't like him looking at stuff that is really hardcore, Playboy really doesn't bother me so much. But then again I really don't have a leg to stand on because I have the Playboy Bunny tattooed on my hip....
I personally don't think Playboy is that big of a deal... also, some vintage Playboys can be worth quite a bit of money so someday you might be glad he heald on to those.
I dont agree. I think playboy is fine. My fiance donsn't pay to much attention to playboy he prob has only one or two magazines. I actually think playboy is one of the more tastfull men's magazines and I myself have read several of the articals. They actually are pretty good and instering. I know my body is not as perfect as the girls that pose in them but i'm fine with that and happy with my body. Thats just me. If you really feel weird about it than I would make sure your fiance knows. I'm sure if he knew you felt so strong about the issue he would choose keeping you happy over some magazines.
I personally don't see pornography as that big of deal. I think it just depends on how it plays into the relationship. If someone has a problem and it is taking energy away from their main relationship and causing problems in their life, then that's not okay. If they look at pornography occasionally (or even regularly) as a part of a balanced life I don't see that it does any harm.
I agree @tnason, it really does depend on the couple and the balance. Due to my father, I obviously have a bad perception of porn. My FI and I have decided that to us, porn is cheating, so we don't look at it. I have seen it ruin my family, so I'm not ok with it, but my father was not a healthy person.
Healthy people can probably use porn to even benefit their marriage, but for people with previous bad experiences with porn, even Playboy is a huge deal. I'm not sure about @stb's past, but that's where I'm coming from.
One of FI's friends sends him text message forwards with those sorts of pictures, and it bugs me.
It would definitely bother me if FI kept porn in the house--whether that be videos, magazines, whatever. I know he looks at it online, and that's fine with me. BUT I don't want it in the house where I could come across it!
I think it's funny that he's keeping the ones from the 70s...I feel like the women probably look so outdated, with frosted makeup and fringed hair!
@mrsv2be: I totally understand that perspective. I have similar issues with alcohol. While my parents steered clear of problems with alcohol, the alcoholism (all recovered presently) rate in my mom's side of the family sits at about 50% of people who drink at all. As a consequence, I have chosen not to drink (because I don't like my odds for being able to maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol) and am really uncomfortable around people who are drunk.
My FI and I had to do some serious negotiating around alcohol because he loves beer (which is fine) and lived in a frat house when we started dating and binge drinking was a regular part of his social life (not okay with me but really normal where we live). We've settled at something that works for us where he can have a drink or two routinely and it doesn't bother me and I turn a blind eye to the two or three times a year he goes out with his frat buddies and gets sloshed. It works for both of us.
Point is, I totally get what you are saying about understanding that something may be fine for other people, but just isn't something you can personally live with and I am really glad that you and your FI have sorted out something that works for you.
As someone who's husband subscribes to Playboy, I will say the articles really are good. I think I spend more time reading Playboy than my Real Simple.
But it's all about what each of you are comfortable with.
I also dont think porn is that bad, in moderation. There is a point where you are addicted and it is really destructive. Sexual addiction is never okay. BUT, I dont see a problem with a little "recreational" use. We've watched it together, we've watched it separately... meh. It's not a huge issue to me.
The way I see it, those ladies are pros. They arent the girl next door, or a co-worker, or someone that he can realistically go have sex with. Now, if I caught him with pictures of someone we knew or something like that... then I'd be pissed. That would seem like cheating to me.
It's a really personal issue and I respect your right to be offended by this. I am not trying to tell you that you are crazy or anything, just sharing my personal view.
@stbMohror: How about asking him to put them in a safe deposit box? This preserves their "value" without them being anywhere that can bother you.
My pet peeve with my hubby is his occasional "selective hearing"...I'll want to have a pretty serious conversation or I'll have something I'm irritated about & he tends to continue typing away at his computer or working on movie editing; at which point, I know I'm not being heard & stop. Then, at some later point, I'll mention the same thing & he'll be like, "I haven't heard this before...you've never mentioned this, why are you so worked up?" It's annoying...on the upside, he's working on actually listening to me, especially when I sound "emotional."
Actually the stories are really good lol. But that aside, I'm open about everything like that with my FI as long as we're doing stuff together, It hurts my feelings a little to think he's by himself imagining another woman, which I'm sure he does but I don't want to know about it.
I think the garage is a great compromise, or the safety deposit box is a great idea.
Ok I'm going to say I am not happy with my man viewing any type of porn but I have gradually (at least try to) make peace with it. Before I started dated my SO he was single for the majority of his life. He dated a handful of girls but mostly briefly and not all were a sexual relationships. Porn and self gratification became a part of his habbit for many many years.
Even with our sex life that he claims to be satified and happy with, he still has his need for masturbation. After a lot of talking I came to the conclusion that until the day he decides to stop I have the choice of meeting in the middle and making peace with this issue or leaving him. Simply because in the end I can voice my opinions all I want but I can't force him to do something. I chose not to make it a dealbreaker.
Our compromise is, no hiding and lying about it, it must not interfere with our sex life and he will reduce the amount of watching. If I'm home the gratification comes from me, if I dont get any he doesn't either. He could be looking at right next to me but it will just be looking.
Also from talking to all my guy friends I found that porn movies or clips bother me least. It's more about the action than the girl in the VDO. Kind of like watching an R rated movie and getting turned on from the hot scene. I'm more bothered with images because to me they require "imagination" and a fantasy of what you're doing with them.
I agree that even if you throw away magazines you can never control what goes on in his head. My guy friends told me when porn is not available they "imagine" random people they know or sometimes things like VS magazines...now that creeps me out!
We try to take it lightly and acknowleage it's existance in the relationship instead of making it sneaky and dark. He was once away working late at work for 10 days straight and when he finally came home he joked "I'm sure you didn't wait for me and already took care of yourself didn't you!"
those naked ladies are from the 70s take comfort in the fact that they're old and flabby now unlike you...
i know it sucks i wouldn't like it either but he's married to you not the playboys
I do not like porn in any form, whether it be videos (except to laugh at), magazines, or strippers. I prefer my guy tell me his fantasies, etc and we evaluate together how to achieve it.
But um, I totally love Playboy and have two huge collector's books 
. I am not attracted to women, nor do I get any arousal from looking at the pictures but for some reason I really like the history of Playboy and the photographs. I like to call it classy porn, haha (even my mother likes my Playboy books).
I know it isn't much help to you, but I did want to let you know that even as a young, liberal feminist who likes to keep her sexual experiences private I don't consider Playboy to be bad.. (especially if they are old 70s magazines kept in the garage).
PS. You should really look at the women in the Playboys from the 1970s, it's... interesting :)
My SO viewed porn before we were together and for all I know still does... I don't ask and he doesn't do it when I am around which is what would really tick me off - being into it rather than into me. We have had conversations about porn though and he knows that I believe it gives young men false ideas about real women and real intimate relationships... he's started to agree. Have I spoiled porn for him?
I really appreciate all of your responses. After my vent yesterday I felt a lot better, and after reading all of your posts I realized i don't have anything to worry about. The only reason those magazines are in the garage right now is because he was moving stuff from his parents house to ours. He is keeping them in a box and putting them out in the shed. He's not addicted to porn and he doesn't even look at any forms of porn. Not that I know of anyway. We share one computer so I'm pretty positive he tells me the truth that he doesn't. I think I was just having a mini breakdown yesterday and now I'm not sure why. Thank you ladies for making me realize it's not that big of a deal. It's not an everyday thing and I've never had a problem with it before.
Thank You!
I agree, I think playboy is a really tasteful magazine, especially compared to things you can easily access on the internet and easily wipe from your system. And, I mean, Playboy *is* where Hunter S. Thompson sort of got his start and published a lot of his great short stories.
And if they are from the 70s, they're probably collectibles.
This may be TMI but my dad has had a subscription to playboy since before I can remember. As I got older and realized what they were it never bothered me. It also meant he didn't try to hide them so they'd be sitting out and let me tell you those articles are actually good! I would never go out and buy one but I totally can understand reading them for the "stories" call me naive but I don't have a problem with playboy.
Playboy really doesn't bother me.. Those girls in the pictures don't even have bodies like that in real life. Those pictures are so re-touched it isn't even funny. If you had a playboy photographer shoot and edit your pictures, you'd look like that too!
Playboy doesn't bother me. Live sex chats online would, but not Playboy. My dad, who btw, is as straight-laced as they come, has two Playboys, also from the 70s that he's had in our basement for around 35 years. He is not the sort to look at that kind of thing AT ALL and I think he got them after he and my mom were married. They are definitely a collector's item and my dad does not throw anything away. I think this is because his mother once threw out his entire baseball card collection and he was heartbroken so anything that might be worth something someday, he hangs on to. I would def. not be worried, it sounds like he's a very normal, good guy.
Playboy wouldn't bother me either, especially if he was sticking them out in the garage so its not like they're hanging out in the house. But then again, my FI and I are very comfortable with porn (we watch it together), so I wouldn't have an issue. But if it's something that bothers you, make sure you openly communicate about it.
And I agree with everyone else that said to keep the vintage issues- some can be worth quite a lot!
@ tnason- this is my stand on it as well. i don't see it as cheating. A healthy sexuality can include activities alone as well.
My FI has a subscription to Playboy. I don't think it is a big deal. It doesn't bother me that my FI finds other women attractive. I still find other men attractive. Of course, this isn't something either of us acts on. We are only human after all... it's normal. You shouldn't let it hurt your feelings. It doesn't mean he doesn't think you are beautiful or that he is going to cheat on you, etc.
Playboy is actually pretty classy for the most part and the articles are actually very good (used to be better though). I read the articles and look at the pics (and I'm not gay or bi), but I can appreciate beautiful women (even if they are air-brushed).
Ah, the joys of a man who is not visually oriented... At all. He barely notices what I'm wearing, except for heels or his favorite color.
I agree with Eva--they're in the garage, which should be enough. Plus, the older Playboys are actually classy. Look up a comparison of the body types--you will see that there has been QUITE a change from the Playboys of the 60s and 70s to what you see today.
Don't push the issue--it will end up alienating him. I doubt he's keeping them to be malicious. You've said your piece, now let it go. The ball is in his court.
I was against porn for a long time... and it still makes me uneasy, but it's something my boyfriend and I had to compromise on. I used to give him pictures of me instead which worked really well for a while, but I couldn't keep up with his demand lol! I just didn't have enough time to make the pictures anymore.
We compromised and he looks at "hentai" or cartoon porn exclusively now, which he says he actually likes better and I don't feel it has threatening.
Since we've moved in together I don't think he's looked at porn at all, so I guess it's all worked itself out lol.
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So this is just a vent about Playboy magazine. My FI was subscribed when we first got together and now he's not, thank god, and he got rid of all of his magazines for me. Well, all but about 5 because they are from the 1970's or some crap. I know I could just be being immature but it just irritates me. The fact that he was subscribed, oh and he says he got them because of the stories..NOT the girls. What a bunch of bull. It just gets to me. I'm not comfortable with the way I am, and here are these magazines with naked girls with perfect bodies, girls I will NEVER look like. I guess I'm just getting at that he "has" to keep these old ones. I respect that, but it still makes me sick knowing they are in the garage, naked ladies, where he can just look at them whenever he pleases. It's a guy thing, I know, but it's not like I have magazines with naked men in them. Would he appreciate that? I don't think so. Anyway, this is sort of pointless, just had to vent.
Is there anything like this you just can't stand? Anything that just makes you sick to your stomach?
Thanks for listening ladies :)