How would you ladies feel if your engagement ring was tiny (we're talking under .25 carats) and/or your FI did not ask or try to find out what type of ring you would like?
Please be honest and please don't assume I'm materialist just for asking a question or that someone is materialistic for saying they would be disappointed.
Was the proposal a surprise? If so, perhaps your FI picked a small one, figuring you'd like to get one you liked later? If that isn't the case, perhaps find a wedding band that you like and once the wedding hits, wear the e-ring as a right hand ring or not at all...
I would be disappointed, but only/more so if I knew my FI could afford something better. However, with that said, I'll ask if you know how much several carats could cost? My younger sister went around bragging about how she wouldn't settle for less than 2 carats - until I showed her how much that would actually cost. ;)
Sometimes FIs want to surprise us so badly that they don't ask for input *shakes head*
It's a delicate subject, and be VERY careful about how you tread.
I think I'd be fairly upset. My FI and I were actually engaged for 9 months before I got my ring. I was fairly specific in what I wanted for an engagement ring, no diamond, sapphires, white gold or some type of white metal etc. It took us a long time to find the "perfect" sapphire ring that didn't look like a birthstone ring.. but he was really considerate and made me find the ring of my dreams.
I know he didn't like not proposing without a ring.. and he said he almost bought a small one to propose with with intentions of finding the one I wanted after. Could that be the case with you?
honestly, it would depend on the setting to me. i am not the biggest fan of flashy rings or even of diamonds, so i think a nice, pretty ring that happened to have a small diamond in it would still be very nice.
i am not making any assumptions, but i did see your marital status is listed as "maybe never" - is this purely because of the ring? i am sensing there may be some deeper issue here. like or dislike of the ring aside, how do you feel about the engagement itself? how about the reality of spending the rest of your life with this guy? these should be the questions that matter.
now, i understand, though, that the ring - a symbol of your love and commitment and hopefully something you will wear forever - matters, and you really deserve to love it. if you are really sure you want to marry this guy and the ring is the only thing standing in the way, i think you should talk to him. don't accuse, don't get too emotional. just explain how much you love him and how much you would love to marry him. then explain how you always had an image/dream of your perfect ring, and that this is not quite it. if he really loves and cares about you, he will hopefully be willing to compromise.
all that being said, if it is purely a money issue - maybe the guy did the best he could - i think you should accept the ring happily. if he has spent as much as he possibly could on you with the intention of marriage and loving you forever, and if you feel the same way, then congratulations! and maybe you can look into "upgrading" your ring once you are both financially able.
I would be upset, but then again, for four years before the proposal, I was showing him rings. It was understood that I would pick the band and together we would choose the diamond. He then took the ring and proposed when he felt ready (the longest two and a half months of my life). I think it is important to add that we have had a joint account for many of the four years we have been together. I think your situation sounds very different from mine. I felt it was very important that the ring that would be on my finger is one I LOVE, not one he thought I would probably love/like.
I think that initially I'd be disappointed, but I'd soon start to think about the motivators behind it. Maybe it was a desire to show commitment without having to ferret money away for years, first? Maybe he is sensible and budget conscious, and doesn't see the point of spending so much on a shiny rock, when that money could go into a fantastic dj/venue/honeymoon/house/etc? Maybe he thinks you wouldn't approve of something that materialistic? Maybe he just really picked something that he liked? Or any number of other reasons I can think of.
I know my fiance wanted to get me a bigger stone, but when we tried some on, they looked silly on my tiny fingers, so I was able to talk him down. My center stone is .75 carats.
Perhaps you could get him to tell you the story of why he chose that particular ring, and that might give you a window into any of the great reasons he picked it for you.
posted by MissSauce65 posts 6 months ago
i would be upset if FI did not consult me or do some research to figure out what kind of e-ring i would like but i also know him well enough to know that he wouldn't do something like that without a good reason. he knows that i'm very picky! you can ask him "what made you choose this ring?" maybe it's a family heirloom? or he thought that he would buy you a smaller ring and save the money for a kickass wedding/honeymoon/first home? perhaps he has an upgrade in mind for later. whatever it is, i would gently ask and find out if there is a good reason that he chose the ring before i dismissed it as a disappointment.
melodicsighs1 - there are definitely other issues here and I've been trying to figure out what to do. weddingbee is always full of such happy fiances/brides to be and I didn't want to post about my...unique relationship so I went with something else that's been on my mind.
I really think he just walked into the store and chose a ring. the proposal was a complete shock (or some might call it a "surprise"). So it's not a family heirloom and I kinda think that he would mention the fact that it's not a big rock because he wants to save money for the wedding/honeymoon. That didn't happen. When I asked him why he proposed, he just said "it was time." I'm not really surprised because he didn't have much to say when I asked him why he wanted to marry me.
I never showed him rings i would like because he doesn't pay attention anyways and I didn't want to be the one who initiated it when he rarely even talked about marriage.
I have short chubby fingers so the ring looks even smaller on my hands and seeing the looks on other's faces (even my own dad's disappointment) or hearing "oh...that's nice" when someone finds out I'm engaged and wants to see the ring has really started to irk me. It was one of the first things that crossed my mind when he proposed, so my sadness is not a result of what others have said.
also, he didnt want to show me the diamond papers or find out how much the ring costs (i saw it already when he whipped it out at the jewelers). When I tried to hint that I would really love to add on to the ring, he quickly dismissed it, said "no" and something about it being the ring he GAVE me.
Also, I know he could have afforded something better...and I thought he would have after some of the crap we've been through.
I never wanted anything too flashy or too expensive and I wasn't expecting a big diamond....but I also wasn't expecting one so small. It actually reminds me of a promise ring I got from a ex bf when I was in high school.
Don't marry him. Not because he bought you a tiny ring, but because there is obviously some underlying issue that you aren't sharing with us (which is ok.) Nobody should buy you a big ring to make up for something. Good luck though. I hope you are happy in the end.
The ring is absolutely important, and I definitely see why you'd feel that way, but it sounds like he has his mind made up (though the idea of adding to the ring is a good one!)
I guess if you consider the issue to be a lost battle, so to speak, and you're willing to move past it, then focus on the reason you said yes! and why you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
And make sure the wedding bands are really great?
PS. I agree w/ KateMW, I was just trying to be subtle. ;)
You guys have stuff that's much deeper. Give him back the ring. It sounds like there's not a lot of nurturing going on and if this relationship is worth it to you, then you need to seek professional help to guide you through.
This should be an exhilerating time for you, not one of major doubt and embarrassment. just know that you have the support of the hive!
I have a tiny engagment ring about .25 carat and I absolutely love it. We picked it out together. When we went shopping for wedding rings the one I chose came with an engagment ring that was slightly larger. Tho, I love the one we picked a few days after we got engagemed. I plan to wear it on my right hand since my other ring is soidered together.
Be happy with what he picked... remember big things oftentimes come in small packages...
i'd definitely be upset/sad only b/c then he would have chosen to spend more on supercharging his truck rather than spending it on the love of his life! hehe. it's really all relative though. if .25 carat is all he can afford comfortably right now and he is just excited to start a new life with you, then you can always upgrade later. :) it's normal to be upset about it, b/c that is the first thing everyone asks when they find out you are engaged, so if you don't completely love it, you won't be as excited to show it off. but no worries, upgrade later! haha. :)
Wow, don't marry the man because of the ring size? Can you really assume underlying issues?
I got lucky with my ring. My FI had talked to my roommate about what kind of ring I'd like and still managed to keep the proposal a COMPLETE surprise.
I was only slightly disappointed because it's a three-stone ring. I wanted just a solitare, but I love it regardless. If a man that you love offers you a ring, you say yes!
If you're disappointed because you know he could have afforded better, ask him about it..subtly. I asked my FI one day why he chose my ring. Turned out there was nothing really behind his decision except that he knew I liked princess cut and that white gold doesn't scratch as easily as platinum. And he chose the three diamonds because "it looked nice." Boys will be boys!
I've been thinking about this more since i posted and since I've read rest of the responses. When did everybody have time to be upset about their ring? I was so happy to be engaged that I didn't even give it a second thought. Now, to be fair, I'm pretty sure nobody would be upset with my ring since it's on the large side (Love being a 2nd wife...), but it just wasn't in the front on my mind to even care. That was my point to the underlying issue comment...if you have time to think about how much you don't like your ring, maybe there is something y'all need to talk about.
I am thinking that it is more the fact that you feel like he doesn't know you based on his choice? Most men, if they don't ask first, would have some sense of their future wife's style. As for the size, I can only assume he couldn't afford something bigger. But, my husband bought me a large diamond with pretty poor coloring....I was embarassed about that in the beginning as well. He is typical - the bigger the better! But, when I think about how he chose to marry me and that is what its all about, who cares? I love my ring. Its not perfect, I'm not perfect, and we aren't perfect together.
That all being said, and I know you want to stick to the subject, it sounds like he proposed simply because it was the next step. and it sounds like you accepted for the same reason. You seem completely shocked (as you said - not surprised), and it sounds like you don't really love him. Maybe you two should sit down and discuss this.
How would you ladies feel if your engagement ring was tiny (we're talking under .25 carats) and/or your FI did not ask or try to find out what type of ring you would like?
Please be honest and please don't assume I'm materialist just for asking a question or that someone is materialistic for saying they would be disappointed.
posted by silverlining 7 posts 6 months agoWas the proposal a surprise? If so, perhaps your FI picked a small one, figuring you'd like to get one you liked later? If that isn't the case, perhaps find a wedding band that you like and once the wedding hits, wear the e-ring as a right hand ring or not at all...
posted by missm 485 posts 6 months agoI would be disappointed, but only/more so if I knew my FI could afford something better. However, with that said, I'll ask if you know how much several carats could cost? My younger sister went around bragging about how she wouldn't settle for less than 2 carats - until I showed her how much that would actually cost. ;)
Sometimes FIs want to surprise us so badly that they don't ask for input *shakes head*
It's a delicate subject, and be VERY careful about how you tread.
posted by shortcake 45 posts 6 months agoI think I'd be fairly upset. My FI and I were actually engaged for 9 months before I got my ring. I was fairly specific in what I wanted for an engagement ring, no diamond, sapphires, white gold or some type of white metal etc. It took us a long time to find the "perfect" sapphire ring that didn't look like a birthstone ring.. but he was really considerate and made me find the ring of my dreams.
I know he didn't like not proposing without a ring.. and he said he almost bought a small one to propose with with intentions of finding the one I wanted after. Could that be the case with you?
posted by MissStargazerLily 44 posts 6 months agohonestly, it would depend on the setting to me. i am not the biggest fan of flashy rings or even of diamonds, so i think a nice, pretty ring that happened to have a small diamond in it would still be very nice.
i am not making any assumptions, but i did see your marital status is listed as "maybe never" - is this purely because of the ring? i am sensing there may be some deeper issue here. like or dislike of the ring aside, how do you feel about the engagement itself? how about the reality of spending the rest of your life with this guy? these should be the questions that matter.
now, i understand, though, that the ring - a symbol of your love and commitment and hopefully something you will wear forever - matters, and you really deserve to love it. if you are really sure you want to marry this guy and the ring is the only thing standing in the way, i think you should talk to him. don't accuse, don't get too emotional. just explain how much you love him and how much you would love to marry him. then explain how you always had an image/dream of your perfect ring, and that this is not quite it. if he really loves and cares about you, he will hopefully be willing to compromise.
all that being said, if it is purely a money issue - maybe the guy did the best he could - i think you should accept the ring happily. if he has spent as much as he possibly could on you with the intention of marriage and loving you forever, and if you feel the same way, then congratulations! and maybe you can look into "upgrading" your ring once you are both financially able.
posted by melodicsighs1 86 posts 6 months agoI would be upset, but then again, for four years before the proposal, I was showing him rings. It was understood that I would pick the band and together we would choose the diamond. He then took the ring and proposed when he felt ready (the longest two and a half months of my life). I think it is important to add that we have had a joint account for many of the four years we have been together. I think your situation sounds very different from mine. I felt it was very important that the ring that would be on my finger is one I LOVE, not one he thought I would probably love/like.
posted by Niki 432 posts 6 months agoI think that initially I'd be disappointed, but I'd soon start to think about the motivators behind it. Maybe it was a desire to show commitment without having to ferret money away for years, first? Maybe he is sensible and budget conscious, and doesn't see the point of spending so much on a shiny rock, when that money could go into a fantastic dj/venue/honeymoon/house/etc? Maybe he thinks you wouldn't approve of something that materialistic? Maybe he just really picked something that he liked? Or any number of other reasons I can think of.
I know my fiance wanted to get me a bigger stone, but when we tried some on, they looked silly on my tiny fingers, so I was able to talk him down. My center stone is .75 carats.
Perhaps you could get him to tell you the story of why he chose that particular ring, and that might give you a window into any of the great reasons he picked it for you. posted by MissSauce 65 posts 6 months agoi would be upset if FI did not consult me or do some research to figure out what kind of e-ring i would like but i also know him well enough to know that he wouldn't do something like that without a good reason. he knows that i'm very picky! you can ask him "what made you choose this ring?" maybe it's a family heirloom? or he thought that he would buy you a smaller ring and save the money for a kickass wedding/honeymoon/first home? perhaps he has an upgrade in mind for later. whatever it is, i would gently ask and find out if there is a good reason that he chose the ring before i dismissed it as a disappointment.
posted by emileee 123 posts 6 months agomelodicsighs1 - there are definitely other issues here and I've been trying to figure out what to do. weddingbee is always full of such happy fiances/brides to be and I didn't want to post about my...unique relationship so I went with something else that's been on my mind.
I really think he just walked into the store and chose a ring. the proposal was a complete shock (or some might call it a "surprise"). So it's not a family heirloom and I kinda think that he would mention the fact that it's not a big rock because he wants to save money for the wedding/honeymoon. That didn't happen. When I asked him why he proposed, he just said "it was time." I'm not really surprised because he didn't have much to say when I asked him why he wanted to marry me.
I never showed him rings i would like because he doesn't pay attention anyways and I didn't want to be the one who initiated it when he rarely even talked about marriage.
I have short chubby fingers so the ring looks even smaller on my hands and seeing the looks on other's faces (even my own dad's disappointment) or hearing "oh...that's nice" when someone finds out I'm engaged and wants to see the ring has really started to irk me. It was one of the first things that crossed my mind when he proposed, so my sadness is not a result of what others have said.
also, he didnt want to show me the diamond papers or find out how much the ring costs (i saw it already when he whipped it out at the jewelers). When I tried to hint that I would really love to add on to the ring, he quickly dismissed it, said "no" and something about it being the ring he GAVE me.
posted by silverlining 7 posts 6 months agoAlso, I know he could have afforded something better...and I thought he would have after some of the crap we've been through.
I never wanted anything too flashy or too expensive and I wasn't expecting a big diamond....but I also wasn't expecting one so small. It actually reminds me of a promise ring I got from a ex bf when I was in high school.
posted by silverlining 7 posts 6 months agoDon't marry him. Not because he bought you a tiny ring, but because there is obviously some underlying issue that you aren't sharing with us (which is ok.) Nobody should buy you a big ring to make up for something. Good luck though. I hope you are happy in the end.
posted by KateMW 483 posts 6 months agoThe ring is absolutely important, and I definitely see why you'd feel that way, but it sounds like he has his mind made up (though the idea of adding to the ring is a good one!)
I guess if you consider the issue to be a lost battle, so to speak, and you're willing to move past it, then focus on the reason you said yes! and why you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
And make sure the wedding bands are really great?
PS. I agree w/ KateMW, I was just trying to be subtle. ;)
posted by MissSauce 65 posts 6 months agoIf we're being totally honest, it sounds like you two have MUCH bigger problems than the size of a diamond.
posted by Kayla 19 posts 6 months agoDon't go through with this.
You guys have stuff that's much deeper. Give him back the ring. It sounds like there's not a lot of nurturing going on and if this relationship is worth it to you, then you need to seek professional help to guide you through.
This should be an exhilerating time for you, not one of major doubt and embarrassment. just know that you have the support of the hive!
posted by glittergrl 322 posts 6 months agoWe do. I was just curious how others might feel about diamond size and getting input on what you would love.
I was just trying to stick to the subject
posted by silverlining 7 posts 6 months agoI have a tiny engagment ring about .25 carat and I absolutely love it. We picked it out together. When we went shopping for wedding rings the one I chose came with an engagment ring that was slightly larger. Tho, I love the one we picked a few days after we got engagemed. I plan to wear it on my right hand since my other ring is soidered together.
Be happy with what he picked... remember big things oftentimes come in small packages...
posted by Soon2BMrs 13 posts 6 months agoi'd definitely be upset/sad only b/c then he would have chosen to spend more on supercharging his truck rather than spending it on the love of his life! hehe. it's really all relative though. if .25 carat is all he can afford comfortably right now and he is just excited to start a new life with you, then you can always upgrade later. :) it's normal to be upset about it, b/c that is the first thing everyone asks when they find out you are engaged, so if you don't completely love it, you won't be as excited to show it off. but no worries, upgrade later! haha. :)
posted by bride 170 posts 6 months agoWow, don't marry the man because of the ring size? Can you really assume underlying issues?
I got lucky with my ring. My FI had talked to my roommate about what kind of ring I'd like and still managed to keep the proposal a COMPLETE surprise.
I was only slightly disappointed because it's a three-stone ring. I wanted just a solitare, but I love it regardless. If a man that you love offers you a ring, you say yes!
If you're disappointed because you know he could have afforded better, ask him about it..subtly. I asked my FI one day why he chose my ring. Turned out there was nothing really behind his decision except that he knew I liked princess cut and that white gold doesn't scratch as easily as platinum. And he chose the three diamonds because "it looked nice." Boys will be boys!
posted by BriLJL 99 posts 6 months agoI've been thinking about this more since i posted and since I've read rest of the responses. When did everybody have time to be upset about their ring? I was so happy to be engaged that I didn't even give it a second thought. Now, to be fair, I'm pretty sure nobody would be upset with my ring since it's on the large side (Love being a 2nd wife...), but it just wasn't in the front on my mind to even care. That was my point to the underlying issue comment...if you have time to think about how much you don't like your ring, maybe there is something y'all need to talk about.
Good Luck.
posted by KateMW 483 posts 6 months agoI am thinking that it is more the fact that you feel like he doesn't know you based on his choice? Most men, if they don't ask first, would have some sense of their future wife's style. As for the size, I can only assume he couldn't afford something bigger. But, my husband bought me a large diamond with pretty poor coloring....I was embarassed about that in the beginning as well. He is typical - the bigger the better! But, when I think about how he chose to marry me and that is what its all about, who cares? I love my ring. Its not perfect, I'm not perfect, and we aren't perfect together.
That all being said, and I know you want to stick to the subject, it sounds like he proposed simply because it was the next step. and it sounds like you accepted for the same reason. You seem completely shocked (as you said - not surprised), and it sounds like you don't really love him. Maybe you two should sit down and discuss this.
posted by dreambml 427 posts 6 months ago