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How would you ladies feel if your engagement ring was tiny (we're talking under .25 carats) and/or your FI did not ask or try to find out what type of ring you would like?
Please be honest and please don't assume I'm materialist just for asking a question or that someone is materialistic for saying they would be disappointed.
Was the proposal a surprise? If so, perhaps your FI picked a small one, figuring you'd like to get one you liked later? If that isn't the case, perhaps find a wedding band that you like and once the wedding hits, wear the e-ring as a right hand ring or not at all...
I would be disappointed, but only/more so if I knew my FI could afford something better. However, with that said, I'll ask if you know how much several carats could cost? My younger sister went around bragging about how she wouldn't settle for less than 2 carats - until I showed her how much that would actually cost. ;)
Sometimes FIs want to surprise us so badly that they don't ask for input *shakes head*
It's a delicate subject, and be VERY careful about how you tread.
I think I'd be fairly upset. My FI and I were actually engaged for 9 months before I got my ring. I was fairly specific in what I wanted for an engagement ring, no diamond, sapphires, white gold or some type of white metal etc. It took us a long time to find the "perfect" sapphire ring that didn't look like a birthstone ring.. but he was really considerate and made me find the ring of my dreams.
I know he didn't like not proposing without a ring.. and he said he almost bought a small one to propose with with intentions of finding the one I wanted after. Could that be the case with you?
honestly, it would depend on the setting to me. i am not the biggest fan of flashy rings or even of diamonds, so i think a nice, pretty ring that happened to have a small diamond in it would still be very nice.
i am not making any assumptions, but i did see your marital status is listed as "maybe never" - is this purely because of the ring? i am sensing there may be some deeper issue here. like or dislike of the ring aside, how do you feel about the engagement itself? how about the reality of spending the rest of your life with this guy? these should be the questions that matter.
now, i understand, though, that the ring - a symbol of your love and commitment and hopefully something you will wear forever - matters, and you really deserve to love it. if you are really sure you want to marry this guy and the ring is the only thing standing in the way, i think you should talk to him. don't accuse, don't get too emotional. just explain how much you love him and how much you would love to marry him. then explain how you always had an image/dream of your perfect ring, and that this is not quite it. if he really loves and cares about you, he will hopefully be willing to compromise.
all that being said, if it is purely a money issue - maybe the guy did the best he could - i think you should accept the ring happily. if he has spent as much as he possibly could on you with the intention of marriage and loving you forever, and if you feel the same way, then congratulations! and maybe you can look into "upgrading" your ring once you are both financially able.
I would be upset, but then again, for four years before the proposal, I was showing him rings. It was understood that I would pick the band and together we would choose the diamond. He then took the ring and proposed when he felt ready (the longest two and a half months of my life). I think it is important to add that we have had a joint account for many of the four years we have been together. I think your situation sounds very different from mine. I felt it was very important that the ring that would be on my finger is one I LOVE, not one he thought I would probably love/like.
I think that initially I'd be disappointed, but I'd soon start to think about the motivators behind it. Maybe it was a desire to show commitment without having to ferret money away for years, first? Maybe he is sensible and budget conscious, and doesn't see the point of spending so much on a shiny rock, when that money could go into a fantastic dj/venue/honeymoon/house/etc? Maybe he thinks you wouldn't approve of something that materialistic? Maybe he just really picked something that he liked? Or any number of other reasons I can think of.
I know my fiance wanted to get me a bigger stone, but when we tried some on, they looked silly on my tiny fingers, so I was able to talk him down. My center stone is .75 carats.
Perhaps you could get him to tell you the story of why he chose that particular ring, and that might give you a window into any of the great reasons he picked it for you.i would be upset if FI did not consult me or do some research to figure out what kind of e-ring i would like but i also know him well enough to know that he wouldn't do something like that without a good reason. he knows that i'm very picky! you can ask him "what made you choose this ring?" maybe it's a family heirloom? or he thought that he would buy you a smaller ring and save the money for a kickass wedding/honeymoon/first home? perhaps he has an upgrade in mind for later. whatever it is, i would gently ask and find out if there is a good reason that he chose the ring before i dismissed it as a disappointment.
melodicsighs1 - there are definitely other issues here and I've been trying to figure out what to do. weddingbee is always full of such happy fiances/brides to be and I didn't want to post about my...unique relationship so I went with something else that's been on my mind.
I really think he just walked into the store and chose a ring. the proposal was a complete shock (or some might call it a "surprise"). So it's not a family heirloom and I kinda think that he would mention the fact that it's not a big rock because he wants to save money for the wedding/honeymoon. That didn't happen. When I asked him why he proposed, he just said "it was time." I'm not really surprised because he didn't have much to say when I asked him why he wanted to marry me.
I never showed him rings i would like because he doesn't pay attention anyways and I didn't want to be the one who initiated it when he rarely even talked about marriage.
I have short chubby fingers so the ring looks even smaller on my hands and seeing the looks on other's faces (even my own dad's disappointment) or hearing "oh...that's nice" when someone finds out I'm engaged and wants to see the ring has really started to irk me. It was one of the first things that crossed my mind when he proposed, so my sadness is not a result of what others have said.
also, he didnt want to show me the diamond papers or find out how much the ring costs (i saw it already when he whipped it out at the jewelers). When I tried to hint that I would really love to add on to the ring, he quickly dismissed it, said "no" and something about it being the ring he GAVE me.
Also, I know he could have afforded something better...and I thought he would have after some of the crap we've been through.
I never wanted anything too flashy or too expensive and I wasn't expecting a big diamond....but I also wasn't expecting one so small. It actually reminds me of a promise ring I got from a ex bf when I was in high school.
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Don't marry him. Not because he bought you a tiny ring, but because there is obviously some underlying issue that you aren't sharing with us (which is ok.) Nobody should buy you a big ring to make up for something. Good luck though. I hope you are happy in the end.
The ring is absolutely important, and I definitely see why you'd feel that way, but it sounds like he has his mind made up (though the idea of adding to the ring is a good one!)
I guess if you consider the issue to be a lost battle, so to speak, and you're willing to move past it, then focus on the reason you said yes! and why you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
And make sure the wedding bands are really great?
PS. I agree w/ KateMW, I was just trying to be subtle. ;)
If we're being totally honest, it sounds like you two have MUCH bigger problems than the size of a diamond.
Don't go through with this.
You guys have stuff that's much deeper. Give him back the ring. It sounds like there's not a lot of nurturing going on and if this relationship is worth it to you, then you need to seek professional help to guide you through.
This should be an exhilerating time for you, not one of major doubt and embarrassment. just know that you have the support of the hive!
We do. I was just curious how others might feel about diamond size and getting input on what you would love.
I was just trying to stick to the subject ![]()
I have a tiny engagment ring about .25 carat and I absolutely love it. We picked it out together. When we went shopping for wedding rings the one I chose came with an engagment ring that was slightly larger. Tho, I love the one we picked a few days after we got engagemed. I plan to wear it on my right hand since my other ring is soidered together.
Be happy with what he picked... remember big things oftentimes come in small packages...
i'd definitely be upset/sad only b/c then he would have chosen to spend more on supercharging his truck rather than spending it on the love of his life! hehe. it's really all relative though. if .25 carat is all he can afford comfortably right now and he is just excited to start a new life with you, then you can always upgrade later. :) it's normal to be upset about it, b/c that is the first thing everyone asks when they find out you are engaged, so if you don't completely love it, you won't be as excited to show it off. but no worries, upgrade later! haha. :)
Wow, don't marry the man because of the ring size? Can you really assume underlying issues?
I got lucky with my ring. My FI had talked to my roommate about what kind of ring I'd like and still managed to keep the proposal a COMPLETE surprise.
I was only slightly disappointed because it's a three-stone ring. I wanted just a solitare, but I love it regardless. If a man that you love offers you a ring, you say yes!
If you're disappointed because you know he could have afforded better, ask him about it..subtly. I asked my FI one day why he chose my ring. Turned out there was nothing really behind his decision except that he knew I liked princess cut and that white gold doesn't scratch as easily as platinum. And he chose the three diamonds because "it looked nice." Boys will be boys!
I've been thinking about this more since i posted and since I've read rest of the responses. When did everybody have time to be upset about their ring? I was so happy to be engaged that I didn't even give it a second thought. Now, to be fair, I'm pretty sure nobody would be upset with my ring since it's on the large side (Love being a 2nd wife...), but it just wasn't in the front on my mind to even care. That was my point to the underlying issue comment...if you have time to think about how much you don't like your ring, maybe there is something y'all need to talk about.
Good Luck.
I am thinking that it is more the fact that you feel like he doesn't know you based on his choice? Most men, if they don't ask first, would have some sense of their future wife's style. As for the size, I can only assume he couldn't afford something bigger. But, my husband bought me a large diamond with pretty poor coloring....I was embarassed about that in the beginning as well. He is typical - the bigger the better! But, when I think about how he chose to marry me and that is what its all about, who cares? I love my ring. Its not perfect, I'm not perfect, and we aren't perfect together.
That all being said, and I know you want to stick to the subject, it sounds like he proposed simply because it was the next step. and it sounds like you accepted for the same reason. You seem completely shocked (as you said - not surprised), and it sounds like you don't really love him. Maybe you two should sit down and discuss this.
to answer the question asked, after the dust settled and i got my brain wrapped around the fact that i'm getting married, i would be a little dissapointed....since you state that he did not ask you what you would like or attempt to find out......
After reading thru the responses here....i wonder if you love him? And also, why you two getting married? its hard to stick to the subject of your question since its emotionally loaded. You mention that he didn't have much to say when you asked him why he wanted to marry you.....why is it that you want to marry him?
to many, i have a small ring. finances drove my FI's decision, but he involved me so that in the end, i love the ring he chose. after much deliberation, we went with an alternative center stone. i have large fingers and the smaller diamonds (that he could afford) looked a tad bit comical on my hand. in order to get something that 'fit' better, we chose a different stone. my centerpiece stone is 1/2 carat with 'baby' diamonds along the band.
its 'small' by some standards, but i focus on whats best for me and what best reflects us and our love for one another. all of which makes me happy with it.
I don't even know how to answer this question properly. Maybe he really thought you would want one that size? Maybe he thought anything bigger would be too flashy.
I think I would be pretty disappointed. I guess part of it would be that he didn't try and find out what I wanted so he could get me one I really love, since it's something I'm going to wear everyday for the rest of my life! Also, it's not about the diamond size and more about what style you like but did he really think that you wouldn't be disappointed in the size if it was .25 ct?
If it makes you feel any better, I do have a friend who's now husband got her a .25 ct engagement ring and she loves it. She has very small fingers and she feels that anything bigger would look odd on her finger.
I guess it's to each their own but if your ring is something you do not like I would talk to your finace about it. It's something that should be important to you both.
I am so suprised the size of the ring matters to so many people. Because others looked at it and went "oh..." heck with them! The size of the diamond has nothing to do with the size of the love or commitment.
When we got engaged we were already sharing expenses, and when we looked at those rings that cost $5000 and up, there was no way we could afford that. He wanted to buy me a giant ring so bad, so we waited and waited. Finally, he decided it was time that we got engaged "ring and all" so he bought me a $500 ring. I love it! Why waste money on a ring? $5000 could really go a long way toward a house, or all the new things that really go into it. It seems like such a huge waste to me.
Now when I look at my ring, what I see in it is his love for me, which is what really matters anyway.
FI and I picked out my ring - setting and stones - together. Which I know some girls would consider somehow unromantic, but it's how we do things - as a team. Because teamwork and communication is so important to both of us, and is one of things that I'm not willing to compromise on, if he had picked out a ring on his own (without even consulting me) I would have been very upset. After all, I'm the one who is going to be wearing it! Plus, my taste in jewelry is fairly non-standard. I seriously disliked almost every ring we saw in a major jewelry store - I do not like pave, or filigree, or dainty little bands. Because he knows how picky I am, and because he wanted me to have something I liked, we designed the ring together and had it custom-made. (The proposal was a complete surprise - although I knew he had the ring I actually had no idea that he was going to ask when and how he did - so I think the romance factor was definately there.)
The size is what we both agreed we could afford. Because seriously, it's all our money (or our debt) in another month anyway. So we agreed on what we thought was a reasonable amount of money to spend. The size (I agree with many of the posters) is irrelevant - very much for me because I was so involved with the design of the ring and the selection of the stones. I feel like I have the perfect ring, and the perfect guy as well.
It also sounds to me like the ring isn't the only thing that disappoints you about this guy. Of course, some guys just aren't good at putting their feelings into words - but if you really want a man who can tell you why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, they are out there. I am amazed almost daily at some of the posts about how unhappy brides are with their FI's level of involvement in planning, ability to stand up to his family, willingness to help in the world of wedding tasks, ability to communicate - if you think that your guy is going to magically change once you're married, you are so wrong. It's not going to get any better than it is right now - and generally, with the stresses of everyday life (work, bills, housekeeping, kids) it had the potential to get much worse, especially if you can't communicate and work together. Going into a marriage with a guy who perpetually disappoints you is really a recipe for failure. You either need to adjust your expectations, or find another guy. It doesn't sound to me as if your expectations are unrealistic, so maybe this is not the guy for you.
<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial">This is a delicate area and one should tread very lightly. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to be clear about a person’s motive for asking someone to marry them. You and your fiancé clearly have more to talk about then the size of your ring.<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial"> <span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial">Are you the type of person who always likes things a certain way? Someone who clearly (remember, he’s a man) has very specific or unusual tastes? If so, then it is curious why he would not consider your opinion (or at least a close friends) when picking out your engagement ring. <span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial"> <span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial">Is what he bought, truly all that he can afford? If so, then I would not doubt his wanting to marry you based on size or cost.<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial"> <span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial">Lastly, I don’t think it’s fair for any of us to question a persons love or insinuate that theirs is more true, just because they have a small, although beautiful diamond and did not (or won’t admit) that if they could have chosen any ring in the world for their fiancé to propose with, that they might have chosen differently.<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial"> <span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial">Good luck! I hope you and your fiancé can work this out and live a long and happy life together.
For my first engagement, we got engaged after only a month of knowing each other. A couple of months after he proposed, he gave me a silver ring with a white amathyst. Admittedly not my dream ring, but it was all he could afford, and I loved it as a symbol of his love for me. We had a long engagement since we had gotten engaged so quickly, and it was a good thing, since things started to go south after awhile. And as things got worse, I started to hate my ring. It became this symbol of his inability save money, of his blowing his dough on drugs and alcohol, of his inability to keep a job, and since he couldn't keep a job since he was always fighting with people, it became a symbol of that too. I ultimately broke off the engagement.
The engagement ring is more than a piece of jewelry: it's a symbol. If the guy is the wrong guy, even if the ring is a beautiful piece of jewelry, the ring can become a symbol of what is wrong and you can grow to hate it. If the guy is right, then you can love a ring you might not love as a piece of jewelry, since it's a symbol of your guy's love.
My current fiance has offered to upsize my diamond when we can afford it. Now, I love shiny objects like a magpie. But I told him no thank you, since the ring he gave me is a perfect symbol, just as it is right now.
I would not be upset, but I don't think you need a ring to propose. I actually told my FI NOT to get me a ring because we need the money to pay my grad school loans, to buy a house, and to pay for the wedding. He did it anyways, but more so to appease my very traditional parents. If you're wondering, it's actually a band with a few very small diamonds across the top.
I would be upset if there was no heart behind the proposal--that means more to me than the jewelry.
reading what you've written makes me sad because you don't sound like you're very happy and i don't think it even has much to do with your engagement ring. it should be a bit of a reality check to you if after your man proposes, you're not feeling sheerly elated and overcome with joy. you said it yourself, it was a "shock" and not a "surprise". i get that every woman wants a beautiful ring... but shouldn't the act of getting engaged be more about the life commitment that you're soon going to make to each other and not so much about what the token looks like? previous posters have mentioned it already, but i'll say it again. sounds like you and your fiance have quite a bit to work through and perhaps some pretty serious decisions to make?
Honestly, I would be a little disappointed because I got a ring that size as a promise ring from an old bf in high school. Luckily, I ended up with a Tacori with the perfect size for a center stone. That was also because we are a team and communicate about everything. We looked at rings together, he got an idea of what I liked, and when he felt like it, he went and bought it and picked out the center diamond himself so it would be a surprise.
With that said, to me it sounds like you are disappointed with more than just the ring. So, please don't marry someone you have doubts about. Who knows, maybe in another post you may want to anonoumously talk abou something else that may be bothering you.
I would be disappointed too. One thought, is it an antique ring? Because backin the day smaller diamonds were common and it was very rare to mine the size of diamonds that most people wear today. Maybe he chose the ring because of some sentimental value and that's just the size stone it came with?
I woulnd't assume you were materialistic by asking that I think it's quite a legitimate concern!
I would be devestated. Honestly. You have to wear it the rest of your life, it should be something you WANT. You don't need to go with to go shopping, but browsing with him so he could get an idea.
Mr. S would have never asked me to go out and do this, so I set up time to do it with him. I just said "Now you'll have an idea and the rest is up to you" he was happy with that and it worked out well.
I'm so sad for you, nothings worse then looking at your e-ring with diasappointment. I would talk to him, maybe cost was a huge issue I mean the economy isn't exactly going great....
Hang in there
My honest opinion is that I would be disappointed. Your bf giving you a ring signifies a major step in both of your lives. It should be a joyful moment. I think all of the points you bring up are valid (i.e., he could really afford more, he didn't consult you, he said "it was time"). While a lot of people see rings as a way to be flashy or show off to people just "how much he loves me," its really a way for your bf/fiance to show you how much he wants you in his life, for the rest of his life. If the overall proposal wasn't something you were touched by, or wasn't heartfelt on his part, that's a big red flag.
My now-fiance told me right off the bat that I was not allowed to pick out my ring. He wouldn't allow me to even go to jewelry stores to look at any. I did, however, browse styles and give him hints on what I wanted and didn't want. When he proposed, it was very short...something to the effect of "you've been waiting for his for a long time...." (Not exactly the most romantic proposal you've heard). On top of that, although my ring was sizable, the style was completely what I told the fiance that I didn't want. That being said, I love him and know that he loves me with all of his heart and that makes all the other "little" things just that, little things. (I did ask him later on if I could re-set my ring in a different setting, and he was completely fine with it.)
It doesn't sound like the size of the ring is necessarily an issue to you. It's more of an illustration of his consideration for you (or lack thereof). Just the fact that he didn't include you at all in a big decision like this and his response to the whole proposal in general, should make you think twice of what it is he's really thinking and whether your relationship will ultimately stand the test of time.
I hope it all works out for you. :)
My concern for you is when you stated that you two were at the jewelers and you brought up the idea of adding a little something to the ring and he responded with 'no'. to me, that is why I posted that there are things that need to be discussed.
Sorry, my original post is confusing.
The is a delicate area and one should tread very lightly. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be clear about a person's motive for asking someone to marry them. You and your fiance clearly have more to talk about then the size of your ring.
Are you the type of person who always likes things a certain way? Someone who clearly (remember, he's a man) has very specific or unusal tastes? If so, then it is curious why he would not consider your opinion (or at least a close friends) when picking out your engagement ring.
Is what he bought truly all that he can afford? If so, then I would not doubt his wanting to marry you based on the size or cost.
Lastly, I don't think it's fair for any of us to question a couples love or insinuate that theirs is more true, just beacause they have a small (even if beautiful) diamond and did not (or won't admit) that if they could have chosen any ring in the world for their fiance to propose with, that they might have chosen differently.
Good luck! I hope you and your fiance can work this out and live a long and happy life together.
I often joked that he better save money since I want an expensive one, but around the time he started doing research, he was facing fiancial difficulties, I told him I would be happy with whatever so not put pressure on him (in which case, I would be a bit disappointed, but not terrible unhappy). I was so surprised with a beautiful ring. Its beyond my expectation and just my style (in its craftmanship, i have small slender fingers and the ring isn't overpowering).
I would have been disappointed if he were to walked into the jeweler, told them what he could afford and walked out with one that would work. I don't necessary think size matter so much (after all his money will be yours), but I would be lying if I wasn't touched and overjoyed by the thoughtfulness and efforts my fiance put into picking out my ring (sacrefices he made).
You mentioned your fiance said "its time" when you asked him why he proposed. I don't necessary think proposing has anything to do with how long you've been together (unless perhaps you've been together longer than most people have been married, then I can see why he's down playing its significant). I would sit down and talk to him. You obviously have concerns about your relationship for asking him his reasons for marrying you. I agree with Pengwen. Perhaps something unsettling is causing you to be unhappy during this happy time. I wish you the best.
i know that you have chosen not to go into details about your relationship, (which is fine) and that the actual topic of this thread was simply asking opinions about the ring size. however, since it is clear that there are other issues here, i just want to ask you to think long and hard about why you would or would not want to marry this guy. obviously, i do not know your history, but you yourself have admitted that you are not as "happy" to be engaged as many of the women on here. honestly, choosing to marry someone is a HUGE decision - i think marriage is not taken as seriously as it should with so many couples getting married and divorced as often as they buy new cars... i just want you to know that you do NOT have to marry this guy. i just want you to be sure. i want you to have the same joy about your man as the other women on here - even if that means the immense pain that i know it can be to choose to say no to this particular man.
I agree w/ a lot of other ppl that have posted so far, there's something else going on, and I wouldn't feel comfortable committing to the situation for the rest of my life. Before taking anymore major steps forward, I'd make sure the groundwork is really there for a lasting relationship.
That being said, maybe you might be interested to know that the whole *diamond* engagement ring is basically an invention of the last century, via a really successful marketing tactic by De Beers. I thought it was interesting, and depending on your outlook, might make you feel better about the immediate issue of a small engagement ring.
Ok.. I read your second comment and I don't think you should marry him. When I first read your post I thought... hmm... Maybe this guy is just stupid or he can't afford a better ring. In the case he couldn't afford one, I would say... hey, if you want to marry him get used to it. He's not going to get richer.
You never addressed whether or not is was because of money (I personally don't think you should go into debt to get a nice ring, my sister- complete opposite).
What you did address though was when you kindly sugested a second reason he totally shot you down. Do you REALLY want to marry someone like that? So uncompromising?
My fiance is a total idiot when it comes to gifts. I mean... total. He got me a duck statue. ?! My fiance and I also don't have a whole lot of money- we're grad students. But- when buying my engagement ring he had the common sense to ask me what I liked and he got a 1.5 carat off of ebay for 400 dollars (its appraised at 3000 dollars).
I feel for you, but I think you should re-examine your relationsip and if this is the commitment you want to make. How generous is this man going to be with you and how much does your opinion matter to him?
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