“Maybe think of it as one baby and then you’ll see…”
Even one baby doesn’t excite me.
“Cats are WAY easier, just saying!”
I wanted to start with some cats, but I’m too allergic! 🙁
“”Not having children is not an option for us” Why?”
For personal reasons that I’d rather not get into here. I’m sure some people would disagree with our reasoning and I’m not interested in being attacked for our choices. The “why” of it isn’t really relevant to my not being excited, anyway.
“I don’t believe kids are worth that and it doesn’t sound like you do either.”
I don’t know if they are worth it or not. I’m willing to admit that my view on kids is probably very clouded by my negative experiences raising my siblings. I love my brothers and sisters to death, but I will always feel resentful about having my childhood stolen from me. It makes me feel like I’ve more than done my part in mothering other human beings. I know I’m just being horribly selfish and immature in letting that colour my views of having my own children, but I can’t help it.
“Is it your husband’s desire to have children that makes it not an option, or is there something more?”
There is more, but there is also the fact that we did enter into our marriage in agreement about having children. I would never, ever refuse to have his children after making that commitment to him. That would be cruelly unfair to him. He would be devastated. He was very clear with me from the start that he saw no point in marriage if we weren’t going to have children. So regardless of my own lack of excitement, I will still do it and try to do a good job at being a mother, but I’m terrified that I might not love my own children or that I’ll just be a rotten mom.
“What about adoption? There are lots of children who will get “lost in the system” and may eventually be kicked into the world once they ding 18.”
We’re not interested in adoption. We don’t expect to have any problems having our own kids.
“My only advice is if you don’t want children, I wouldn’t let your husband pressure you into having children.”
It’s not that I don’t want them and he’s not pressuring me. It was something we mutually agreed upon. But now as we’re looking at TTC in less than a year, I’m worried I will never feel “ready” to have kids. I want to WANT to have kids the way other women do. 🙁
“Maybe you should talk to your husband about this? Maybe tell him you just don’t feel maternal?”
We did have a discussion about it a few nights ago. He just didn’t understand what I was afraid of and he really doesn’t seem to have a clue how much babies change your life. His attitude is that millions of people have done it before, so there’s no reason we can’t do it, too. I don’t really know how to convey my feelings to him in a way that he will understand. He thinks that if we have a baby, of course I’ll love it. And he thinks if we had a baby, I’d be happier and more fulfilled. (We’ve had a lot of talks about what I want to do with my life which is basically nothing.)
“First off, why have you decided so firmly on 4?”
We don’t want an only child or a middle child. Two is too few, so four seemed just right.
“And you can wait. 28 isn’t that old. Maybe you should wait for another couple years and then try and see how one child feels and go from there.”
28 may not be “that old”, but 46 is. And I don’t want to be having kids in my late 30s if I can help it. I’d also like DH to be alive and healthy to see his grandchildren someday.
“I also get the sense from how you described your husband that he is excited about the “kodak moments” of raising children and maybe doesn’t realize all of the work, time, and money that goes into raising them. I could be totally wrong, just the impression I got.”
That is very true. When he thinks of raising kids, he thinks about playing sports with them, building them a treehouse, helping them with their science homework, taking them camping, things like that. When I think of kids, I think of changing diapers, midnight feedings, bed wettings, grocery store tantrums, and never getting enough sleep. I know he’ll help me with the less fun stuff where he can, but neither of us has any family in Australia, so most of the time, I’ll be on my own with the kids and will have no one to turn to for help. I think he also thinks his kids will be just like he was as a boy- quiet, easy-going, never causing trouble. He forgets that children in my family were all loud, rambunctious, and disobedient.
@KatyElle: Thanks for that. 🙂