(Closed) Please convince me to be excited about having babies.

posted 5 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Just wondering…why is it that you two have agreed on four children when it doesn’t sound like you really want even one? I don’t mean to be snarky at all, I’m just genuinely curious as to what the reasoning and conversation was like where you two decided on this. Also wondering, since it sounds like you expect he won’t be doing as much as you around raising them, are you planning on being a stay at home mom, is that why you feel that way? Or will you both be working and you’re worried he jsut won’t be doing his fair share or realizing how big of a responsibility raising a child is?

Post # 4
Member
8473 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m in a boat similar to yours. However I’m almost 34 and my husband is 35. He’s so excited for a baby; I want no part of it right now. So I’m curious to read the responses. 

Post # 5
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Maybe think of it as one baby and then you’ll see…

Four kids is an awful lot and I could see it putting you off. Plan to have one kid and then decide whether to have more after you see how the first one goes. 

Post # 6
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I love my child dearly but there’s a reason why I only had one kid but I have 9 cats. Cats are WAY easier, just saying!

Post # 7
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

honestly i have always felt like i was meant to be a mom and i have always wanted a child. now that im pregnant it is the most amazing thing in the world to feel my little boy moving inside me… and to know that my husband and i created that life….

 

my dh and i also value our free time and we have agreed to have just one child. we refuse to be those parents who can never leave their child for a date night or whatever. we still want to have “us” time after we have the baby.

 

 if you have never felt like you want kids… then why have them? maybe you should revisit the idea in a few years so that you can be sure its what you want. and maybe 4 kids would be a bit much for you guys… especially since it seems like you dont really want any.

Post # 8
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think anything anyone says here could get you excited about having kids if you aren’t already. Hopefully by the time you start to TTC you’ll be ready and excited…..if not, I’d recommend not having kids.

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Not having children is not an option for us” Why? Nothing we can say will make you excited for something you’re dreading. All those things will happen- mess, losing time, not being as carefree, less time with your husband. You’re realistic. People who want kids earnestly believe that all of the childcare and sacrifices are worth it for the good parts about having kids. I don’t believe kids are worth that and it doesn’t sound like you do either. 

Post # 10
Member
9061 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Edelweiss:  Not having children is not an option for us

I totally support couples making their own decisions about their life and marriage.. but why isn’t it an option?

My to-be husband and I would like children one day, but if the desire never hit us, I don’t see why it would be a bad thing to just not have children. Is it your husband’s desire to have children that makes it not an option, or is there something more?

What about adoption? There are lots of children who will get “lost in the system” and may eventually be kicked into the world once they ding 18.

 

My only advice is if you don’t want children, I wouldn’t let your husband pressure you into having children. I’m stereotypically not a “Woman’s needs/wants over a man’s needs/wants” but pregnancy and parenthood is a little bit different, especially since he would be working and not have to deal with the “bulk” of childhood.

 

Maybe you should talk to your husband about this? Maybe tell him you just don’t feel maternal?

It’s not selfish to want your life to yourself and your husband’s time. Children are wonderful, but they are a lot of work and a lot of sacrifices need to be made for them, on top of the sacrifices you’re making for marriage.

 

@MrsBroccoli:  +200 internets to you.

Post # 11
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off, why have you decided so firmly on 4?  

Second, why is not having children an option?

Honestly….as far as I can see having children does change your life quite drastically, in both wonderful and not-so-wonderful ways.  Anyone that tells you it’s pure sunshine and rainbows is delirious.  But there are also many magical moments that make your heart break with the wonder and love.

And you can wait.  28 isn’t that old.  Maybe you should wait for another couple years and then try and see how one child feels and go from there.

I think it would be a huge mistake to force yourself to have a child that you’re not ready for based on the assumption that when it’s your own you’ll feel differently.

Post # 12
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

All of the things you said when you described how you feel about children is exactly how I feel… and it’s exactly why FI and I have decided to be childfree.  We don’t have any desire or instinct, all we see is the work and cost that goes into raising children along with how imposing children will be on our lifestyle and our time with each other.  

If the thought of having children isn’t fulfilling, or if you’re dreading it, then you probably shouldn’t be having any… or at least you shouldn’t have any until your feelings toward them and that lifestyle have changed (if your mind ever does change).  

I also get the sense from how you described your husband that he is excited about the “kodak moments” of raising children and maybe doesn’t realize all of the work, time, and money that goes into raising them.  I could be totally wrong, just the impression I got.

Post # 13
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I felt the same way when I got pregnant. Obviously why would diapers and crying be fun?

It’s a lot of grunt work, but it is amazingly rewarding. I’m going to get mushy here (I just had a baby and my hormones are still raging big time). There are moments when you’re doing something like changing a diaper or nursing your baby, and they stop and give you this look. A look that says “You are the most important thing in my world, thank you for providing me with cuddles and milk.” And then they get older and you watch them grow and learn. When they run up to you for a random hug or fall asleep in your arms during a movie. When they excitedly tell you how they learned all about frogs in school, or nights you hear them singing a baby babble song in their crib.

A man holding a teeny baby is adorable, added bonus.

Raising a child and watching that child thrive and be happy is very fun. It’s like climbing a mountain. A lot of it is tedious and just plain difficult. But you do stop every so often and take in a spectacular view.

Post # 14
Member
2743 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

@trueblue14:  I’m so glacd I’m not the only one who feels like this. FI said we can get more cats when we get a bigger house. Love my child most but cats are easier.

Post # 16
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

Things you wrote in your post…

We both want kidsI just can’t get myself excited about the ideaI’ve never felt maternalNothing about them seems fun or fulfillingI feel envious of the women who think babies are great and can’t wait to have themI want to feel like that, too.

 

Have children because you want them. Have chidren because you want to be a mother. I worry that if you have children just to please your husband, you’ll be setting yourself up for a very difficult future.

A good partner wouldn’t hold you to something like this if you do not feel mentally capable for doing it.  That’s be a pretty self-centered partner!  Talk to your husband more.

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