Post # 1
Sorry I’m going crazy with the posts today – but our reception brought up so many questions! OK, I want to preface this topic with a huge disclaimer: I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF MONEY GIVEN TO ME BY MY HUSBAND’S GRANDPARENTS.
Here’s the story: My husband’s grandparents are very prominent and very, very wealthy. As in multi, multi, multi millionaires. We live next door to them in an apartment that we rent from them, and while we’re not close, they are always very nice to us and vice versa. At our reception yesterday, they brought us a lovely card and a check for $500.00. I thought that was wonderful and very generous, but both my husband and my husband’s parents (and my mom, if that matters) thought that was not very much money FOR THEM. We have been told by his grandparents that they “give very, very generous gifts at weddings of grandchildren.” My husband thought they might possibly be snubbing us, because we got married overseas, which they might see as “eloping.” He said he was quite sure the number would be much more like $2,500 to $5,000.
Again, I don’t want it to seem like I’m complaining. Obviously $500 is more than generous, but my husband has a point: Typically, people with that much money I would assume gift in the thousands to a grandchild. I hate this topic because it sounds ungrateful (which I’m not!). I just want to know if they might be upset with us or angry or not like us very much?
My husband’s brother is getting married in June, and we will just be heartbroken if they get a larger check than us, just because they chose to have a wedding here. I want to really try to have a good relationship with his grandparents, and I’m worried that Darling Husband may be right, and we’re already starting off on the wrong foot.
What do you think — is this a totally average gift for the situation, or is this their way of telling us that they disapprove?
Post # 3
I would take the $500 and be grateful. Just because they have a lot of money doesn’t mean they have to spend it on anyone but themselves. I wouldn’t see it as a snub at all.
Post # 4
@QueenOfSerendip: Honestly, you’re probably just going to have to accept it. I understand you’re trying to not sound ungrateful and I believe you. But there’s no way of knowing. It could be a myriad of things, it could be nothing. Perhaps they thought you didn’t need that much. Perhaps they are upset you eloped. But you won’t know unless they tell you. And I don’t think you can very well approach them and ask, “Say, we only got $500 when Annie and Joe got $5000. Do you not like us?”
There’s just no easy way to go about finding out. I’m not sure anyone could speculate, either.
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@QueenOfSerendip: $500 was the most generous gift we got for our wedding, everything else was MUCH less. When I think of the $500 I think it’s WAY TOO MUCH!
PUHLEASE don’t ask your BIL how much he gets from the grandparents. And don’t ask the grandparents if their mad at you because of the amount of money you got.
Say thank you and move on.
Post # 6
@QueenOfSerendip: To me it’s a generous gift for someone they don’t feel close to. So – yes, quite possibly you got snubbed and were not give the same amount. Likely because they feel you already have been married and are probably old school (meaning – wedding gifts are for those getting married not already married)?! Also – I think their declaration of what they give to their grandkids is odd. Who does that?!
My hunch, however, is if you had a ‘traditional’ wedding here, you would have received more.
Post # 7
Here’s my thought process.
“A lot of money” means something different to someone in their 20’s and someone in their 70’s/80’s.
To me? $500 is a shit ton of money. But I know to my grandmother, that would seem like $5,000.
We also can’t tell you whether or not they disapprove of your marriage – that’s not something anyone here can determine without speaking to them.
I know you’ve said several times that you’re grateful but it does sound like you were betting on a much larger check and are dissapointed. Which, I can’t personally understand. But maybe another poster will?
Post # 8
Take it and be happy. You’ll never know unless you ask them, and it wouldn’t be polite to do so. If your BIL ends up getting a bigger check – so be it! You can’t control it, and should probably move on.
Post # 9
Since you are renting from them, are you getting it for an good price? Maybe if you are then they see like thats part of their gift since they could be helping you out that way?
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Old people have old fashioned ideas. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did write a check for less money because you got married overseas and they disapprove of the manner in which the wedding occurred. Maybe they figure since you eloped, you aren’t financially strapped from throwing a big wedding so you don’t as much. Maybe they think they give you a good deal on your apartment so that is included in their gift to you as a couple. Maybe they disapproved of you living together before marriage and expressed it in their gift. At the end of the day, unless they tell you, you won’t have any idea how they picked the number to write on the check.
I would go about life as if $500 was a generous gift and get over it. They are grandparents so they won’t be around forever. At least they aren’t horrible to you like some of the families on the Bee.
Post # 11
Honestly? There’s no way you can know unless you ask (which you obviously can’t) or if you find out they gave more to another family member. I completely understand this post and where you’re coming from, don’t worry 🙂 My response is, yes, it is totally possible that it is a snub…but it’s also totally possible that it isn’t, and the only way to know would be to compare it to another wedding they give a gift for. I would totally ask my own sister what she gets at her wedding, we’re close enough and money isn’t a taboo topic in our family, lol, but that’s just us.
Post # 12
@Koala Bear: That’s true, I didn’t think of that! We are getting a good deal on rent with them. Although, the apartment had been vacant for like 7 years beforehand, so I don’t really know what the market value for this place would be…
This whole situation is just so awkward, because discussing it with my husband and his parents just rubbed me the wrong way. I am incredibly grateful that they came and celebrated with us, and for their generous gift, but I also have this nagging feeling like maybe they have an issue with us? But I don’t know. There’s obviously nothing I can do about it if that is the case, right?
Post # 13
I think the more important question is What do we do now? And, honestly, I think the answer is exactly the same whether they thought $500 was generous for a grandchild’s wedding or whether they were showing their disaproval by “only” giving $500. Either way you should thank them for their generous gift. You should refuse to be involved in conversations about what this may or may not mean. And you should continue to try to have a good relationship with your new grandparents. Maybe invite them over for dinner? No good will come from thinking about or discussion the amount of money given, so what’s the point. So I would just think it’s a nice gift and move on. If you assume it’s a slight it does nothing but make you feel bad and stir up drama. If your goal is to have a peaceful relationship with your inlaws, don’t get sucked into arguments about intent.
Post # 14
You are going to drive yourself crazy if you get on this bandwagon with your Darling Husband and in laws. It’s the grandparents money and if they feel like giving $5k to the kid down the street for mowing their lawn… they can do that.
Even if your BIL gets more money…um so what? People give money to others for different reasons. Unless you sit down with a ledger going over all the birthday gifts to grandkids/parents/nieces/nephews cousins neighbors … you are never going to know if you were “unfairly” shafted on money. My best advice is to move on, get Darling Husband to move on and just live your own life and stop worrying about what everyone else gets.
I’ve seen what this kind of things do to a family… it can get really really bad and petty.
Post # 15
It’s not a snub, its a gift, regardless of its “value”.
Post # 16
@BookishBelle: Yes, you’re so right, there is NOTHING I can do about it! It just sucks that this idea was put into my head, whereas I was totally happy with it before!
I don’t know if Darling Husband will ask his brother or not. They are close, but not like my sister and I (where I would have no problem asking – well, she would tell me!). I feel like asking would be rude, but his brother might just mention it. I think everyone is right though, just move on and be happy!