Post # 1
I feel like lately my FMIL has been trying to take over the planning of my wedding. Idk if Im over reacting and real stressed or if she really is. It seems like she has an opinion for everything and its getting real annoying!!! How can I tell her nicely to back off & let me handle it. If I need her help I’ll let her know.
Post # 3
@Soon2bMrs.S: What sort of things is she doing? Is she constantly calling/e-mailing? Or is this coming up when you are discussing the wedding with her?
You could maybe say something like, “I appreciate the suggestion but we actually already have that under control” or, if it’s something you are still working on, “We’ve got some other ideas as well but we’ll think about that one”.
Is there any job/project you could ask for her help with now so that she feels included but isn’t bugging you all the time?
Post # 4
You can stop telling her the details… or if she really wants to participate, can you give her a “project” to work on? She’ll feel involved but it will keep her busy…
When she asks you something, like “Hey, would you like to wear my old wedding dress?” politely respond with something like “Oh, that is just so sweet of you! I appreciate it but I’ve already found my dress/my mother is really hoping I’ll wear hers/whatever”
Let her know you appreciate her help & opinions, but politely deflect any suggestions if she brings something up.
You could also try the “bean dip” method:
her “You know, you should really go with ‘xyz’ type of flower”
you “I appreciate the suggestion. Have you tried this bean dip? It’s delicious!”
Post # 5
when she asks about the wedding, i start to tell her our plans & she’ll cut me off & start telling me what she thinks we should do. I’ll try to explain to her our plans, but she’ll just talk over me & way louder. My best friend told me i need to put my foot down & tell her something. The only thing is, how do i do that without being rude? I know she’ll more then likely get offended by it, but she’s starting to stress me out even more. I feel like shes trying to plan her wedding & thinks we’re going to use all her ideas.
One thing that really got to me was, she decided to pay for the dj. Instead of telling me we should go & meet with a couple to figure out the music, She’s been in contact with them herself & hasnt told me thats shes already narrowed down her choices. I found out when i brought it up to her. In the back of my mind i was thinking, how long was she going to go without telling me about this. I’ve stressed to her that i wanted to be apart of this because my FI & i want to be the one’s to pick the kind of music.
Post # 6
Is the DJ all she is paying for? If so, I would have your FI deal with her. It’s honestly not your job, it’s his. She probably won’t listen to you anyway judging from her personality. He could say something like “Mom, we want a significant part in selecting the music, so please consider our choices and make sure we are there for big decisions. It’s important to me.”
For other details, honestly, many moms are that way. They love to give advice. I would suggest you start learning how to ignore her. Expect to be cut off all the time and just learn to nod and smile and ignore. If she tries to get in your business, just tell her that you will happily consider her suggestion in your and FI’s decision making process.
Post # 7
@blueskies7: The thing is my FI wont tell her anything because he doesnt want to hurt her feelings. shes dramatic & will probably take it over board anyways. We’ve had arguements about this before. In the beginning of our engagement she told us she would help out with a current amount of money & that i needed to tell my mom to do the same. That rubbed me the wrong way, but i wont get into that. Now that the wedding is right around the corner, she hasnt mentioned that same amount of money to me. She keeps saying “We have the dj covered”. I dont know how to bring that amount up to her or if i even should. I feel like shes trying to hint to me that they wont be helping as much as she said they would in the beginning. Shes been telling me “Dont depend on anyone” & “You guys need to be saving up for your wedding” Im thinking, “Umm MY wedding?? It’s not MY wedding when your telling me how i should do everything. Sounds like your wedding I’M paying for”
Post # 8
@Soon2bMrs.S: I dunno, that is a really sticky situation. If your FI can’t stand up to her, I don’t see how you’ll be able to get through to her in a way that actually has impact. I would seriously consider sitting down and talking to your FI about 1) the money issue (that’s effed up if his parents were supposed to pay X amount and now are only paying for the DJ) and 2) that it’s making you stressed how FMIL is trying to edge into planning. At the very least, he should be giving you a supportive shoulder and should be helping you figure out a way around all of this. It sounds to me like you are battling it all on your own, and that is not what teamwork or a marriage is about. It’s your feelings he should be worried about more than his mom’s…so hopefully the both of you can deal with this together instead of JUST you.
Post # 9
@blueskies7: glad someone sees it my way for once. I’ve told him this numerous times. He seems to get it, but as far as telling his mom he hasnt came around to that. I just feel like since the wedding is coming up pretty fast i really dont need this extra stress (FMIL). It’s gotten to the point where, I have stopped going over there for a couple of weeks so I dont have to deal with it. Not sure if she’s even noticed though.
Post # 10
@Soon2bMrs.S: There are subtle ways you can take control. As for the DJ, I would ask her for the list of DJ’s she is talking to and tell her you plan on meeting with them. If she throws a fit, explain to her you have no issue finding a DJ on your own in a nice way.
When she calls asking about wedding stuff, don’t give her a lot of information. Just say “planning is going well thank you” “My mother and I are planning well” and then if she asks for a specific thing just learn to say “We are still thinking about that” or “we have that covered”. Learn to repeat it ad naseaum. I did and after a while questions will stop.
How says you have to answer her calls *grin* I would let her call and then call her back the next day and say “oops I have to go that’s my boss/mother/father/vendor on the other line”