Post # 1
Need help bees:
Most of you know my FMIL and FSIL issues. Well we are 11 days from the big day! FI and I are super excited!
In the last month and half we have had NO contact with his mother and sister. He changed companies and cell numbers and only gave them our house line to call and told them that until they can accept and come to terms with him and I, and stop hating on me for everything that they will no longer be in our life. So ties were cut. This all came after his mother sent in the RSVP card no and had lengthily conversations with us and my family that she was not attending. At this point in time we had to have our playlist to our band so that they could practice the songs we wanted played. FI felt that with the circumstances with his mother that he wasn’t going to be doing a dance. He had asked her months prior, things were still pretty bad with her but not to the point that they are now, and her response to him was I don’t care, I can’t even think about dancing with you. Umm okay, fine, we submitted the list with no dance with his mother and him. We also will not be including her in the ceremony entrance walk or unity candle ( his father will be doing it with my mother) because she said she will come and stand in the back of the church. We weren’t stopping our plans and chasing after his mom to be a part of this day with us. So fast forward to last week. His mother some how ( probably from his cousin) got his company cell phone. She called it a few times and left snarky messages to him. He did not return her phone calls. He never once gave her his company number, nor is he allowed to use his company phone for personal calls AND he gave her OUR house line for a reason, if she wants to talk to him she can do so and call OUR house. She has done none of this. He was worried that she was going to keep calling his company cell phone so he briefly emailed her yesterday telling her that she was never given the work number and she can not call that number, that she needs to call the house if she wants to talk to him. This started a fight with her, which we knew it would. She came back at him calling him a liar, me a liar, yet again attacking my family and me, pretty much hashing up all the things she has been. My FI answered her once with a pretty firm email, telling him that he will not answer her calls or her emails or acknowledge her, he said the hurt that she has put everyone through the entire engagement is unjust and her issues need to be worked out with herself not ON US and on MY family. She then wrote back a very nasty email, calling him names, telling him that he has taken all her happiness away and that this day ( our wedding day is HER day) and that she will not let US ruin this day another memory for her! Are you kidding! UGH!
So today, she sends my FI another email with the heading Wedding Song. And she says. “I have chosen the song I would like to dance with you to. The Breath You Take, by George Strait”
She then sends me an email. I had sent out a massive group email a month and half ago to family and friends detailing the events of the day and timeframes and such, she was included on it as well as his sister. In my opinion, that was her chance to attempt to try to be apart of the day and step in but she didn’t. She never acknowledge me or the email. However, today, she replies to that very email and says. “Thanks for the info, hope all is well, let me know if you need anything” Love always
What the hell do we do! We feel that a week before our wedding we need to be making accommodations for her, there is no way we can have the band do the song she wants to play and frankly he doesn’t even want to dance with her. We feel that this is her way of trying to come and say oh it’s all them, look what they have done to us. But I just feel like 7months of pure BS and hell with them, that I’m not now going to go and make this day about her. I’m sorry she is the one who CHOSE not be a part of this time with us and now she wants to “pretend” to be nice.
UGH! Help, what do I do?
Post # 3
She’s obviously now trying to be manipulative. I would not trust her. Tell her sorry, but you can’t accommodate her.
Post # 4
Oh my lord. I’m sorry you’re having so much drama the week leading up to your wedding.
If this were me, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would do a mother/son dance. Not after everything she’s put you and your FI through. Good grief. And I agree, you shouldn’t be making accomodations for her. Not after the hell she’s put you through. It’s your day and your FI’s day…you should be happy and have no worries. I would NOT appease her.
Post # 5
Stick to you initial plan, plus you never know what she will try and pull on the big day. So if I were you I wouldn’t include the dance, one she doesn’t deserve it, and two that would be a pretty big thing for her to throw a fit during (could you imagine if she got mad at your FI and just decided to sit down and throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the dance or something)
It was her decision to act mean and nasty to you and now she is having to deal with the consequences. It’s amazing how many grown people don’t think that their actions actually do have consequences, and some people are mature and have moral and don’t just conform to their twisted ways. It’s your day so don’t even think about her, and just be happy and enjoy it with you and your FI and your family.
Post # 6
Thanks guys! You are right and I agree, I am getting my P and it’s close to the day so I am super emotional, I know I shouldn’t be because of what they put us through. I just keep thinking if it was my family and it would suck so I more so just feel so horrible for my FI.
Post # 7
I CANNOT AGREE with menobride MORE! Don’t let her pull you back in! Just tell her that it’s too late, she has had her chance to do this the right way and since she refused, she won’t be welcome (or something to that effect). Or, probably better, just ignore her. I know it’s so hard because she’s his mom, but it honestly sounds like it would be for the best.
Be prepared for some backlash, though. Don’t let it change your response, but expect her to tell anyone and everyone she can about how she “tried so hard to accomodate your demands” and was “snubbed after all that”. She sounds like the kind of person who will absolutely try and make herself the victim.
I don’t envy you dealing with this, and I am glad to hear you’re still so excited. I hope this works out– let us know how it goes! Best of luck.
Post # 8
Ignore her. just tell her that you are sorry but it is too late thats all. Dont trust her she is up to something…
Post # 9
Stick to your plan. She is being manipulative and two-faced. I’d politely let her know that the music needed to be in to the band weeks ago, and at this point you cannot accomodate her late request for a dance. Or you could go the direct route and have your FI say he doesn’t want to dance with her after all of her drama, nasty phone messages, and declining the invitation to the wedding. If it were me, I wouldn’t even allow her to attend, but that might make things much worse, which you don’t want on your wedding day.
Post # 10
I just re-read ALL the posts you had linked back to. IMHO, she lost her chance to a Mother/Son dance. Personally, If I were you, at this point, I wouldn’t let her or FSIL NEAR your wedding!! I would talk to your officiant, and see if they have to ask if “anyone objects to the wedding” or if that line can be left out. And if, because the FI really wants to try having them there, I would definitely have a “bouncer (s)” there, to kick and FSIL to the curb if they start making a scene!!!NOT LET THEM RUIN YOUR WEDDING DAY!!! Hopefully, FI is still covering your back! (((Hugs)))
Post # 11
Thanks all for your great advice, suggestions and overall just a sound board that I can vent!
We aren’t backing down to her, my FI told her that he can not go back and add a song and we had to have our songs in months ago, that is why he asked her months ago and she choice not t be apart of it. She just wrote back “Thanks for letting me know”. Nothing we say or do at this point will change their views and frankly we don’t care what they think or feel because they have made it their mission to try to break the marriage up. We are both done with them. My FI has been awesome. It took him awhile to see through what they were doing, but now he sees it fully and has no tolerance, he is fully prepared to kick them out, he has told all his groomsmen, his best man will be act as the bouncer. I know it’s not easy for him at all, and it’s gotta be hard for him to think about even having to dismiss your own family from your wedding, but he said last night, that in his eyes I come first and he won’t let anyone ruin it, and he said he actually dares her to say something and test him. It was awesome to hear him say that, I know if crap goes down he will take care of it, but it’s def something I have been stressing about from the start of all this.
They were not invited by us to the reh dinner, I don’t want her there at the church with us when we practice, I don’t want her now thinking she is going to walk down and light the unity candle with my mother. The last she ever told us was that she would stand in the back of the church. Fine, then that’s where you will stay and you wil not be included.