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That's a tough one. I'd say etiquette-wise, you are a married woman now and it would be improper to have a bridal shower. That being said, if your family has offered to throw a shower for you, and you want a shower, then go for it. If people don't agree with it they don't have to attend.
Understood, however we never got a honeymoon. Does that mean i "missed the boat" on that as well? It doesn't necessarily need to be called a "bridal" shower. But a Wedding Shower no less. I am having a wedding, and it's not as if I am asking for ANY of the grooms family to put out any money. this is something they would have attended had I not been married in September. I don't see the difference. And that it's embarassing to them for me to renew my vows and have a reception and invite their family!? Don't people do this all the time.... as far as I have seen on all of the popular wedding shows it's more often than not.
The stepmother of the groom won't be attending my "shower" "luncheon what have you.... I feel very hurt by their comments. ANd hurt that they won't be attending as well.....
Thanks! :o)
I'm sorry you had to change your plans like that. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to renew your vows in a church. But it's not a wedding, and I don't think you should call it that. I am a little confused about the shower though - when you say that you want to have a shower so you wouldn't be out the money, does that mean you are expecting cash gifts?
To be very blunt, having a shower when you are already married will come off as gift grabby to many people. It really sucks that you didn't get one the first time around, but a shower isn't something you are entitled to, and I think you should just let it go. Or at the very least, just have something small with the people who do feel like you should have a shower (i.e. your mom and bridesmaids).
EDIT: The difference between a delayed honeymoon and a shower after the wedding is that honeymoons don't involve asking people for money. I think etiquette-wise your husband's family is right.
When I say I am out the money, I mean that my mother put down $1000 non refundable deposit on the venue that I can no longer afford for a reception. It is transferable however to another day/event. Hence the "shower" It isn't meant to be anything more than a luncheon with the family just for fun. Not "gift grabby". I will however be renewing my vows in a Catholic Church. So technically speaking it is a wedding, as the Catholic Church does NOT recognize our marriage. Unless you are married by a catholic preist/in a catholic church to my parish I am not married.
A Bridal SHower definition is a party for the bride prior to a wedding celebration.
I am having a wedding celebration. You do realize I am not throwing a Bridal Shower for myself... This is something that my bridal party/mother have decided to do for me.
Aw, honey! No, I don't think it's wrong for you to have those things at all! I think having a civil ceremony before the wedding is very common in the military and I am doing the same thing. I don't see anything wrong with it. We are not even telling most people that we will be married already. I know there are threads about this on the military boards too. I think you should keep your plans and have your special day the way YOU want it - it's your day and don't let others tell you otherwise. I can't believe people aren't being supportive, especially given your tough circumtances. I really feel for you. I hope it works out and you get your dream day, sounds like you deserve it.
Bean - Thank you so much! I was hoping that someone could understand that I have given up SO much to be with my husband. I also lost my job back in October. When my job found out that I would be moving in April when my husband graduates training, they laid me off. All of my wedding was planned and mostly paid for prior to my husband(fiance at the time) joining the army. So whose to say I don't deserve the Big Day and everything that goes along with it? It's not as if I am having a million parties and showers and asking for gifts. I didn't recieve and asked for no gifts at my small ceremony. No one seemed to have a problem in not giving a gift then. But now it's embarassing for us to renew our vows in front of god and invite everyone as we originally planned!? Doesn't ever girl deserve to have her Big Day and all the fun that goes along with it? Why shouldn't I get a bridal shower? I am having a wedding where I will be paying for everyone to be there and their food/alcohol etc.... I'm not doing anything different that any other bride. Except for the fact that Im already married.
I shouldn't have to give up my dreams for my wedding because the man I fell in love with decided to serve our Country and all of the sacrifices that went along with it.
You are civilly married, but a marriage in a church is a separate event. I wouldn't even call it vows renewal, I would call it the spiritual wedding, or something of that sort.
My best friends got married legally about 9 months before their wedding. We still had a shower and did all of the fun stuff. I'm not sur why this is such a hard concept to grasp.
Monitajb - THANK YOU!!! Finally..... LoL I didn't get it either!? I couldn't believe it first and foremost. Secondly, that that opinion should have been kept to themselves as it was very hurtful to me. And here I am all alone, not even my husband to comfort me and try to make it better. It's as if they are bullying...and if they felt "so strongly" about it....why was it not an issue back in September when we told them all of the plans!?
Thanks to you and Bean. I now don't feel as thought I'm absolutely Crazyyy!
I totally agree with monitajb! My family is from Europe, and there, people do 2 weddings - civil ceremony and religious ceremony. That's partly why we are doing the civil ceremony first! I like the idea of having the legal wedding be just us and our parents, and then having the "religious" ceremony in front of all of our friends and family. I've only told my closest friends, and everyone has been so supportive. I'm really surprised and sorry that your FI's family doesn't get that. I think it's more than fair for you to get to feel like a bride!
Despite what the etiquette says, if I were invited as a guest to a shower for someone in your situation, I honestly would not care that you already had a civil ceremony. It would be different if you already had a shower or if you were not doing the other ceremony. Things don't always go as planned and I see no reason why that means that you shouldn't have one.
That being said, with so many of the guests seeming to have a problem with it, is there a way to do things differently so they won't be offended? How long have you been in your new place? Could you approach this party as more of a housewarming party?
Well to be honest the only people who are not in agreement are my husbands Step Mother and his Aunt. To be honest it was neither of their places especially his aunt to voice her opinion! Who is she? Its not as if EITHER of them are contributing to anything financially.... It's really not there place to say what I can and can not have. We registered for a "honeymoon" for my shower & reception. we have been living together for a while now. We have all the household items.
*however proper etiquiette says you can have a housewarming party for up to a year after moving in. So who is to say that if I am footing the bill of a wedding/renewal of vows/reception whatever....I can't have a shower!???
Thats a tough one. I agree with JenniB. Etiquette-wise you're a married woman, and having a "bridal shower" would be improper doesn't matter who has it for you, it would just look like "the bride" trying to get gifts to the guest. Now going on a honeymoon is different. Couples delay them all the time & go on them a couple months after, but they don't have a shower months after they're married. Now theres nothing wrong with wanting to renew your vows - i don't think you should say wedding though, since you are already married. In the end its your day & you can do whatever you want. Whoever doesn't agree doesn't have to come.
So a shower that comes a few weeks before a wedding celebration *which i am having being married as catholics* It is considered a wedding. Not a renewal. I don't deserve? What is the point of any shower, be it before a civil ceremony or before the religious ceremony (to get together with your friends/family and they bring gifts or not)? am I still not a bride? I believe you are a bride for ONE year after you are married.
It will be considered a religious ceremony before god *not a wedding*
Put yourself in my shoes, you have to get married and you have two weeks to plan it. You have already paid for a wedding for the following year, and other peoples money has been contributed. You can't afford to have this wedding that you have paid for already in two weeks.... nor can you have a bridal shower in two weeks. ALl because your fiance has decided to serve our country and we are on a time limit. So i don't deserve to have the "wedding" of my dreams? Idon't deserve to get all of the fun stuff that goes along with it and feel like a real bride.....?? I think given the situation you may feel differently.
I agree with the ladies above you deserve to have your big day! and everything that it entails including a bridal shower/wedding shower I think that its a celebration for which your close and girl friends and family can come to celebrate both your wedding and the love you have for your husband
Its great he decided to join the service & serve our country! Also YES you are a bride for ONE year, my grandmother told me the same thing at my wedding.
In regards to the original question theres nothing wrong with renewing of vows, its great you want to do that in front of God & your family! Just gave my opinion on a bridal shower & how it was different than a delayed honeymoon. Best wishes!
ALOT of military brides have 2 ceremonies so dont feel guilty about that
as far as the bridal shower is concerned - if you have friends or family that want to host one for you and some people dont like the idea of it, then they dont have to attend
I don't think your in laws are Catholic. Anyone who is Catholic should understand what you are going through. It is NOT a vow renewal as some people assume. It is a nuptial mass. The rites of marriage are performed in the ceremony, not the rites of vow renewal. In other words, it is a wedding, that the couple be married and united in Christ. It is far different from a civil ceremony. People can be living with one another for several years in in some states, and they are considered MARRIED by common law, and they are recognized as a married couple. Did they ever have their wedding? NO. The state is not there to give that woman her bridal shower OR a wedding before the state declares them married. The state does not "marry" you.
You "marry" your husband the way you want to. You have the experience YOU want to feel married. The bridal shower is an emotional requirement for families and friends of the bride to gather together to support her in her future with her husband. You have every right to feel appreciated. If it were the tradition to have a bridal shower AFTER the wedding--after your honey moon--after you get settled in, they wouldn't be having a big stink about it, would they? The wedding is necessary for you and your husband in Christ to have a blessed future together. So it is not a vow renewal, and you are a bride, no matter if it is 10 years from now, or 20. If you are having a wedding in a Church, and you walk down that aisle, you are the bride, and no one else can take that away from you.
I say go for it, whether it's considered "proper" or not, I don't think anyone is any position to tell you otherwise. We are in a similar position -- DH and I married in August of '08 and I gave birth to our daughter a month later. Money was available at the time to throw a small wedding but we opted to hold off as we were expecting our first child and it didn't make sense to spend the money. Now, we're planning our "wedding"/vow renewal and we're going all out. The entire time, we promised our family we would hold a formal renewal and celebration at a later date and not a single person has expressed disinterest.
Everyone is entitled to having the wedding celebration of their dreams, no matter what order of events takes place. If anyone has a problem with it, they can simply choose to not attend.
Plan away and have the time of your life -- you two deserve it!
There are etiquette sticklers when it comes to showers, but it's perfectly appropriate for your loved ones to host a pary in your honor. They should label the invitations "an afternoon tea (or whatever) in honor of MiniMac's upcoming nuptial mass" and avoid inviting the haters.
Okay, are you wrong in wanting a vow renewal in a church? Um, no? A lot of people renew their vows in church, so I don't get what the issue is here. Is it proper etiquette to have a shower/registry/etc. with a vow renewal? Absolutely not. I hate to agree with his family, but they are right. It seems gift grabby as you are already married.
I think you are crossing messages with bridal shower and wedding...in some posts you ask whether or not you will be considered a bride and if you can have a wedding and in other posts you ask whether or not you can have a bridal shower. Those are two different things. In all actuality, you can do whatever you want in both instances because you don't really control the "bridal" shower...other people do...and whether or not you want a wedding is up to you.
I'm not Catholic, so I don't know their customs, but it seems like you want people to act like you aren't really married. But technically you are married so it creates some confusion. Especially since you specifically requested no gifts before, but now it seems you want gifts (just basing it on you being so adamant about having a shower)
If you just wanted a get together with friends and family for them to celebrate your upcoming church wedding, then have that...but I wouldn't specifically register at stores and tell people where to go to get you gifts. Because them it seems like "well I told you before not to get me anything, but now I want stuff"
If they come with something, they come...if they don't they don't.
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I need some help.....
I was engaged in March 2009, and started to plan our wedding for May 2010. . We booked everything. From the venue, florist, even cake, my wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses. So at this point not only was our money put out, but also monies from the Mother of the Bride ($1000 deposit for Venue) and bridesmaids dresses. Every deposit had been made and date reserved. Then my fiance got laid off and our taxes on our home nearly doubled. We put the house on the market right away. It didn't sell as quickly as we hoped. My Fiance decided to join the United States Army, we felt it the only option to secure a paycheck as we couldn't afford for him to go to school. And the work he knew how to do, there is none because of the economy. This was a very tough decision as he joined for 5 years. So not only did he join, but in a way I joined too. I would be leaving my family and friends for the next 5 years. We decided that it would be best to be "married" priot to him leaving for basic training. We threw a very small intimate wedding together in 2 weeks time, with the plans of still having our big day in 2010 and reception, which would double as a going away party for us. We had our wedding(civil ceremony) at my mothers house and only immediate family were in attendance. Our invitations to this ceremony included that we were not expecting gifts as we would still be having our wedding next year. (No one brought gifts, just as we asked) Well now I am alone, my husband is in Georgia in training and we have no communication except letters at this point.
My husbands family claims I can not have a bridal shower, because I simply "missed the boat" and that it's embarassing to invite their family to a wedding when we are already married. What am I going to do? Pretent i'm not?
This was always the plan to have our wedding this year, the big one, in a church, with a reception and all of our family and friends. Real photography etc. We have had to cut down DRASTICALLY as we were unable to save as much money as we originally thought because of the sale of our house. We unfortunately had to change venues. As we are unable to get the $1000 deposit back, my mother and bridesmaids decided to throw me a bridal shower so we would not be out the money. When I say Bridal Shower, i mean "wedding" shower, Whatever you'll call it. It's a party to shower the bride with gifts prior to a wedding celebration (as I am now having in April)
Am I wrong in having a renewal of vows in front of god? In a Church? Is my Bridal Party wrong in wanting to give me every experience that I deserve being a "Bride"? I have given up so much to be with my husband, even the simple fact i have spent the last 3 months alone. Please help....?