Big wedding or Small wedding?! Please help!!

posted 2 years ago in Reception
Post # 2
Member
7406 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Both sides sound like they are pressuring you. I think you need to take the time to decide what you and your FI want.

If you do decide on the small wedding then I think that you need to pay for your own wedding.

Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Emotionalrose:  take some time to think about what is really important to you. I ended up being glad that we had a large wedding in the end. You only get family together for two things, wedding and funerals.  I ended up meeting many family members that I now can’t wait to see again. 

If you have a smaller wedding, prepare to pay for it yourself. If you decide you want a bigger one, make it clear to your fiance’s parents that these are your wishes and not your parents. 

 

Post # 4
Member
3376 posts
Sugar bee

It’s  really what you want but I know how you feel because my FI is also Asian and has a big family but I won’t be inviting everyone because of the cost and my fiancé and I are paying for it. If your family is paying for it I say why not. I know how much family means in the Asian culture. Obviously your  family means a lot to you or you wouldn’t be in this situation. If it’s  something you don’t mind just explain  that to your FI family. I wouldn’t stress to much about it because in the end you will have a good time and they will to. If intimate is really what you want though then let your family know. Have you talked to your parents about this?

Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I understand your situation, it’s a tough one to be in. I think you should think about what you and your other half want, and go with that, but be prepared you may have family member grumblings. I’m not Asian but aware of the importance of lots of family being invited and the upset it may cause. saying that however, it is YOURS and your OHs day. Is there a way you could chat to your parents and find out how they would feel about a smaller wedding?

Post # 7
Member
3376 posts
Sugar bee

Oh wow that is just crazy. Maybe a very low key intimate wedding works. Maybe they will understand it wasn’t so big and that it wasn’t just them but many people who were not invited. I hope it works out for yo. Keep us posted with what you decide. 

Post # 8
Member
3376 posts
Sugar bee

Also remember that in the end you can’t make everyone happy. Just make sure you are happy with your decision. This situation is not a win win situation so someone will either be mad or upset or feel uncomfortable. Like all the bee’s said take your time and really think about it. Talk to your family and see what sort of compromise can be made so that maybe they can both get what they want. 

I honestly didn’t want to invite my extended family because I don’t know them to well. I actually get very uncomfortable when i am around them. My mom wants them to be there though so she said she would pay for them if I invited them. Its a small compromise but what can you do right? 

Post # 9
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Emotionalrose:  

If you want a small wedding, then that is what you should have. Do not let yourself be held hostage by cultural expectations. Pay for your own wedding so that your parents cannot use money to control your wedding. 

My family tried to force me to have a big wedding too. I am the only daughter in my immediate family and my mother is a very status conscious and materialistic woman. She wanted my wedding to be a big spectacle so that people would think she was rich. My husband and I are a private couple and we didn’t want a big wedding. We eloped to get away from Momzilla since discussions with her went nowhere. It taught my mother to stay the fuck out of our business. 

It is very sweet that you want to make your family happy, but what about your fiance’s feelings? You will not have a joyous marriage if you habitually put your family of origin above your partner. He is your family too now. There must be a compromise that will include your fiance’s wishes as well. Maybe you can have less guests at the wedding than you originally planned. When you say that you want to make “everybody” happy, that should also include the man you are going to marry. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  amiona.
Post # 10
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you should have the big wedding and I say this as someone who eloped because I didn’t want a large wedding. If your fIs family is uncomfortable with it, could you do an intimite  ceremony before hand with just a few friends and close family? I’ve been to weddings where the couple was in the same situation and they did a small Christian ceremony and then a large Chinese ceremony and banquet. What does your fi think? Does he agree with his family? That would make this situation a bit more complicated, because it’s his day also, if he is ok with the big wedding, I think you two need to talk with his parents. Maybe explain the financial aspect?

Post # 11
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’ve been to ~500$/couple (and ~1000$+ from close relatives) weddings.  If you can pay for your wedding AND have enough for a house downpayment, why would you turn that down?  Have you explained to your FI the amount of money involved?   

Other people can tell you to follow your heart and do what you want on your special day, but making your family happy and gettting a fat cheque sound great to me.    

Post # 12
Member
6609 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m Asian too. FI and I both want a small wedding, so that’s what we’re going to have. My cousins who live in Asia have all had huge weddings, but I would rather save my money for a down payment for a house. Both my parents respect our decision, especially since they married in a city hall. I agree with figuring what out what size of wedding YOU want. 

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

craigslistgirl:  

My mom tried to use the money from relatives argument to force me to have a big wedding. 

I told her that I wasn’t getting married to raise money from others. 

If controlling parents are permitted to make a wedding all about them, they will also try to meddle in the couple’s marriage. 

Post # 14
Member
6609 posts
Bee Keeper

amiona:  Disclaimer: I had a VERY long, sleep-depriving shift at work so may be misinterpreting what you’re saying. To clarify, I meant that we are having a small wedding because we are paying for it ourselves and want to keep our own savings intact for a down payment. I agree that it’s dangerous allowing your parents or other family dictate how you plan your wedding and your life together. 

Emotionalrose:  It’s a little risky and presumptuous to expect people to give big to you at your wedding though I know a lot of cultures just view things that way. To appease the various families and create peace of mind for yourself, maybe you could have a large Chinese banquet and a separate smaller Western reception. Still, though, I still think you should stand up for what YOU and your FI want. 

Post # 15
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If your family is paying for the wedding, they should have a say on what kind of wedding they’d like to pay for.

if your fiancé’s family is not paying for the wedding, then they should keep their opinions about what kind of wedding you or your parents should be paying for to themselves.

if you and your fiance decide you want a small wedding, and your family is dead set on a large wedding, then you and your fiancé should pay for your small wedding.

it’s so simple -> pay=say. 

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