Please help. Can't stop crying.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Aw, sweetie… Three years would not be too long if you both were younger. He should certainly know what he wants by now. Has he been married before? I am a bit curious about this baggage. 

I am not waiting but I have a friend who did wait. They were together for over a decade, with a break or 2 in between. He never proposed. She ended it and is seeing someone new now… I would like to tell you that he will come around, but you need to be prepared if he does not. One of the most precious gifts you can have is time. It is something that keeps moving and you cannot get back once lost. The longer you stay the more time wasted. I would rather be single and available for a man who wants the things that I do, then holding onto one who doesn’t, but that is just how I am. 

I think that you should come up with a mental timeframe of when you will have to walk away. Do not tell him this date, because he may only propose to keep you around, buy time, etc. unless he asks. Try not to focus on the relationships of others. All that does is create undue stress. I think that you really should consider walking away no matter what, because this man has you taking antidepressants? I have a friend who now has ulcers because of her BF. I told her she needs to take care of her health first, and so should you. It sounds like you and your needs are often put on the back burner by him, and that is not likely to change with marriage. I wish you well, and please take care of yourself.

Post # 3
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I have to ask… Is this a man that you want to live with or one you can’t live without? If it’s one you can’t live without and love unconditionally, I think you should still, let it be by the wayside as 3 years is not that long. It almost seems that you are the one that has changed and is making him hesitant. You are not the same fun loving happy person he fell in love with. You are depressed, pressuring him, argumentative and relying on him financially. I can honestly see why he stays away. No one would want to be around someone like that all the time. I’m sorry if that’s harsh. 

If you truly are not happy, make an exit plan. Tell him how important marriage and kids are to you and that you love him, but if he does not want the same thing, you will let him go so that you can find true happiness elsewhere. Make it about you and not him.

If you do truly love him and want to be with him, you need to forget all the marriage stuff right now. Work on YOU! Work on making yourself happy, work on being financially independent to where you could contribute to the relationship positively emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Right now you are not. Once you are at that happy place, and have not brought up marriage AT ALL, or the future together, only then will he see the light shine within you and never want to let you go. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

You all decided in February of 2013 that you wanted to get married. He’s told you on multiple occasions that he would propose by ‘X’ date and never followed through or gave an explanation. It is now June of 2014. The message he’s sending is that he’s quite comfortable how things are and he’s not going to change that by proposing anytime soon. The message you’re sending is that you’re fine with that because you keep putting up with it. You need to let him know that he either needs to sh*t or get off the pot, and if he doesn’t, you have a very hard decision to make. Otherwise, you will continue in this limbo because he knows he can get away with not following through and you’ll stay. 

:HUGS: either way because I know you’re in a very tough place right now. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 6
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Blueheart:  I am so sorry. I can really feel the pain in your post. 🙁

But he is 38, not a wayward young man. He should be pretty sure of what he wants and how to make it happen at this stage in his life. But most importantly, if he loves you like he is saying he does, he should not be willing to make you go through pain and embarrassment that he could prevent. 

A year and some months ago he agreed he wanted to marry you. Time after time he has promised he will propose, and yet broken those promises. Traditional or not, there is no real excuse for that.  You should not have to feel your personality slip away, or that his inability to act like an adult is in any way due to any inadecuacy on your part. Are you sure you want to feel with a man that lets and makes you feel like this about yourself?

Only you can decide what you want, but do understand that there are many men who, when they want to marry a woman, they do so, and do not make promises just to break them.

Either way, I thin you need to sit down and calmly but bluntly and firmly tell him exactly how he has made you feel and the message that he has been sending.

Post # 7
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

I definitely agree with the PP. You need to take care of yourself. A relationship or lack of a proposal shouldnt have such an effect on you to lead you to a nervous breakdown, cause you anxiety or make you depressed. This should be your top priority, to get yourself back to a happy, confident and stable place.

Secondly, you shouldnt feel like a loser for waiting, alot of bees on here are waiting, myself included. I have realized that both parties in a relationship are not always ready at the same time, unfortunately, some men will agree to things because they know thats what you want to hear and thats what will make you stay, even though they may not be ready for that type of commitment as yet. Now I am not saying that he did that or is doing that. But it is something to be mindful of. 

I do think that you may have focused a bit too much on the proposal, and literally got yourself sick over it. I hate to say it but I will play devil’s advocate here, your response to him not being around you and not proposing was very severe. Truth be told, it would worry me if I was him. Anything can happen in a relationship, he may need to spend a longer period of time by his mom because of her sickness, you may need to be LD for awhile etc., how would you handle that? In a marriage, there will be trials and tribulations at some point, and who knows, maybe him seeing how you handled not being proposed to and being away from him made him wonder how you would handle something really major in your marriage. As I said, I am just playing devil’s advocate. 

Waiting isnt the end of the world, and life doesnt always go according to plan. So while yes you stated early on you wanted to be married with kids in 5 years, our dreams and reality dont always align. You have to determine if he is worth waiting on or not. 

 

Post # 8
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

All I’m going to say is that life doesn’t go according to plan. You need to learn to adapt. If you can’t see your life without him, you need to wait for him.

Post # 9
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Blueheart:  Honestly, I waited for about a year before he did it. We had gone ring shopping about a year ago and I was so excited that it would been soon then…it wasn’t. I went through the depression, anxiety, insecurity and resentment. Even tried meds too and quickly got off them when I realized that wasn’t going to do anything. I had to set myself straight. I knew he loved me more than anything and either way he was the one I wanted to be with married or not. It wasn’t until I let up a little that both of us came around from not being all irritable with each other. Shortly after that he bought me my center stone, I had to do a few more months of waiting (while ring was made) and he finally proposed about a year after all the drama. Everything was kind of just forgotten at that point – all the hurt I felt and resentment I felt is gone. It’s SO hard not to focus on that, and you will waver from time to time, but  just try your best and I’m sure you can work it out.

Post # 10
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry. I can relate to how you feel, it’s hell thinking a proposal is looming but hasn’t come yet. What sticks out to me is that you’re depressed and now taking meds, no disrespect, but this man is not worth your health. No matter how much you love him the relationship not worth a decline in your mental, physical or emotional health. It’s easy for me to say but if he has promised a proposal for the last year and half without delivering maybe some space is necessary so you can get back to yourself. 

Post # 11
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

i cant even begin to tell you how much i understand your pain and sadness. i really do. i lived it. i think you need to tell him you need some time to do some soul searching and he should use that time to do the same. its not a break up, just time for the both of you to really determine whats best. take a month… just really make it a long enough period to have an impact and give you clear thoughts. i went through same things you did…you can private message me if you would like. i know how hard it is!!!! 

Post # 12
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Waiting is always rough. It sounds like y’all made an agreement well over a year ago that he has yet to make good on. I would recommend setting a timeline for yourself (that you can keep personal (if you don’t want to be ultimatum-ish) or tell him about…it sounds like your 3rd anniversary is the date you’re already thinking) that you would be willing to walk away from the relationship if there is no proposal. It is not fair for him to keep you waiting after agreeing to get married over a year ago and it is clearly taking a toll on your mental health. I think that maybe some space from the relationship at that point would be good for you both. He can consider what life without you really means, and you can decide if he is what you truly want and take time to focus on making you happy. I really hope he steps up. 

Post # 13
Member
4223 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should take marriage off the table and put it out of your mind for now. It’s making you miserable and he is being pressured, inadvertently or not. Maybe he’s just not ready and doesn’t want to dissapoint you? Or you may have a non-marrying type on your hands. To be honest though, It seems to me that he’s giving you a lot of lip service and not taking a lot of action. If he wanted to marry you, he would ask. I have known this type of guy before. The “promise you the world and tell you everything you want to hear” guy. I’d be less concerned if he just said “I’m not ready”. The fact that he keeps promising and not doing it makes me think he’s FOS. You don’t need that. 

Post # 14
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Crying, depression, constant prodding to propose – these things are not going to make him want to propose. I’m not saying you have no basis to feel the way you do, but if anything it will push him away. I would really try as hard as you can to focus on why you love him, and all of the good aspects of your relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I waited 8.5 years! ARGHHH! LOL. But we were together since we were both 20. And we had money troubles and were studying at the same time, blah, blah, blah. Your SO being 38 changes things in my mind. I guess you have to decide if you can be with him without a ring and possibly without kids (did he say he wanted them)? 

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