- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
I’m hoping you can give me a bit of perspective because I don’t know if my feelings are justified or not. I’m confused and hurt, and too ashamed to talk to anyone in “real life”.
Maybe you will all tell me I have every right to be upset, maybe you will tell me to pull myself together and stop overreacting.
A little background – my fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months and have lived together for nearly a year and a half. I love him very much. We have our little niggles at each other, but on the whole we have a very good relationship, always loving and supportive and affectionate.
I work a generic 9-5 job, my FI does shift work. This puts him all out of whack sometimes and messes up his body clock / causes insomnia. I get that, I used to do shift work myself, and near the end of that job I was relying on tablets to knock me out.
As a result of his insomnia, quite often he goes through periods where he will be up most of the night and then sleep in the next day, until he feels back to normal. So I will go to sleep as normal, and he will be in the spare room watching TV and whatnot.
This past week has been particularly bad where he has been doing this, every few weeks or so he will get a bout of the insomnia worse than normal, usually when he has been on night shifts, and it takes a few days for him to get back in the normal sleeping pattern. But this week it has been worse than normal.
Last night he came home from work at 11pm, we watched TV together for a while then I went to sleep as normal and he went into the spare room. He didn’t come to bed until 6.40 this morning, when I was getting up. I had got up at about 4am to go to the toilet, and asked him if he was coming to bed soon, because to be honest I miss him sleeping with me! He said no he’s not tired.
So this morning I get up and go into the spare room to get some tights (we put our washing out to dry in there). The laptop is on the floor, still on. The TV is on standby. I’m like *sigh* why doesn’t he turn things off, electric bill yadayada.
And I just had a sense that soemthing isn’t right, and that I should look at the laptop.
I don’t know why – I trust my FI completely. I certainly wasn’t looking to see if he had been cheating etc, it wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind. I never snoop on him.
The only way I can explain it is that I suddenly had woments intuition that told me to look. My relationship with my ex was particularly bad (he cheated numerous times) and following that I have always given myself a hard time about not trusting my gut more when I was with him and following my initiative. It would have saved a lot of wasted time with him. But anyway, what I took from that relationship is to ALWAYS trust my intuition. So far since then it hasn’t failed me.
I didn’t look at his documents or anything like that, I just had this strong feeling to look at the web history. So I did. And a website came up called livejasmin.
So I click on it, and it’s an adult live video chat site.
Let me say here, porn does not bother me AT ALL. Porn is just a fantasy, I understand that. My FI knows I have no issue with porn, even on one or two occasions when we had had a few to drink we have watched it together.
But…live webcam stuff? I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel like it’s wrong. I feel like porn is one thing, a harmless fantasy, but live web cam sex…it’s interactive. To me, it’s a whole new level.
Now, I didn’t look too much at the website as I had to get ready for work, but it had plastered all over it “Live chat site”. I googled it and the FAQ said the following –
“Live Jasmin is an adult live video chat site, where you can chat with amateur permormers from all over the world…”
So, like I said, it’s interactive. I feel sick. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. I didn’t think he would go on something like that. Has he been talking to these girls, telling them to do things and watching it, getting off to it whilst talking to them?
It sure seems like it. The site was a purely “live” action site, no normal porn galleries or videos.
I feel degraded, disrespected and like I’m not good enough. Who knows what kind of girls he has been chatting to? Does he do it because I don’t satisfy him enough? I’m not sexy enough? Is he really wishing he was with some extra skinny girl with big boobs and big hair?
This is talking, interacting, with someone like you would on skype. That’s all too real for my liking. I don’t know if he has spent money on this site, or if he is a member or what.
Am I overreacting? I don’t think I am but I need outsiders perspective.
Is this what he has been doing every night while I was sleeping in the next room?
Also, there was no other internet history – it had all been deleted. That in itself tells me that surely he is conscious that what he is doing is wrong, and also makes me suspicious as to what else he was looking at.
I haven’t said anything to my FI, I left him sleeping and went to work.
We are meant to be going away to visit my sister for a long weekend next week. I am going away on holiday with my girlfriends for a week the day after we get back. Trust isn’t (wasn’t!) an issue with us, hence why we are comfortable for me to go away with my friends and he is going away with his guy friends in a few months.
I don’t know what to do.