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Hi Bees,
I have been reading weddingbee for about 6 months now. The support and wisdom of the bees is wonderful! I was hoping to get some advice.
My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and at some point we would both like to get married to each other. However, in the back of my mind there is always this "fear" or "mistrust" that he isn't being 100% honest. He is a corporate lawyer and I am pursuing my Ph.D in social policy. The problem is that we rarely get to see each other and in the 1 year we have been dating -- I have NEVER slept over or actually hung out at his place. I'd seen his previous place but he has moved since then. He is now looking at new apartments and has taken me along to see a few.
So what particular incident has caused me to reach out to you? Well, I did something I promised myself I would never do. I don't have access to his gmail, but I do know his password to his work email address. I checked it! (I am still resenting myself for it!) Specifcally, an email from a superior asked him to stop by and he responded "in 15 minutes." The problem is he should have been on a plane en route to another country. He supposedly called me from the airport telling me he was about to board.
The weird part is -- why would he lie about being at work? I know he WORKS all the time. So knowing how crazy the female mind works, I have since jumped to many conclusions -- maybe he's meeting with someone else after he's done?
Even weirder is I don't get why he has never invited me to sleep over?
Should I listen to my gut? Should I be furious?
Thank you again ladies for any advice or insight you may have to offer.
I dont know if I can offer much advise but Im sorry for your situation. Are you sure the email was from after he told you he was boarding and not from earlier in the day? Id definitely talk to him about it. Its up to you if you want to let him know what you did or not, but I would discuss your feelings with him and find out why he has never asked you to spend the night. I know hes in the process of moving but maybe try to hang out more after he moves. Does he spend the night at your place ever? You should talk to him about it, its not fair to either of you to be talking about getting married if you dont trust him or something is going on. Good luck!!!
I know this isn't want you want to hear, BUT this sounds very suspicious! Are you sure that he always at WORK? If he has no reason to lie to you, claiming to be at an airport when you have proof that he isn't is NOT ok.
As adults, I find it really odd that you've never hung out at his place. I could understand not sleeping over, but never even hanging out for a few hours?
While he may not be seeing someone else, he is obviously lying to you and doesn't sound as committed to you as you are to him.
Get to the bottom of this ASAP!
BTW - Way to go on your Ph.D. in Social Policy - that's what I want to pursue next! :)
I was waiting for more people to respond before I decided what to wrote, but I'm a woman who definitely follows her gut and instincts - that's why we have them, right? I think it definitely sounds fishy, especially since you've never been to his place after an entire year - but as far as the email goes, you need ot ask him about that. Is it possible that the time difference was off or something?
Please talk to him before making your mind up about what to do - communication is what I consider to be the most important aspect in a relationship.
Well I have to say that while it's bad to snoop you found something. It all sounds really fish. And I'd be hella concerned. In one year if you're that serious about each other you definitely should have stayed over it just sounds off to me but have you asked ro stay over? What's he say? If you don't trust each other you have no business talking the M word. Work out the details first. I'd 'come by' his office to leave him something only to 'discover' he's there. U sure his boss wasn't on the trip too?
Thank you all for the quick responses!
To answer some of your questions - I have asked to sleep over and everytime something comes up on his end or his mother is staying over (she lives in a different state but visists a lot and stays for weeks). However, with the move he has promised that it will be different. Rarely, we hang out at my place. Most of the time, he prefers going out for dinner, seeing a movie, etc, and dropping my home. Every 3-day holiday weekend, we go away to a different city.
I'm pretty sure his boss wasn't on the trip. It's a big law firm and that particular person isn't on the same deal. I can't necessarily "drop by" his office as some have suggested because it's heavily guarded and for me to go in he would have to come get me.
What kills me is that I am a smart, intelligent and successful woman. Yet, love is driving me crazy! I told him I loved him about 8 months in and he responded "I can say it back but I wouldn't mean it. Can I take my time?"
I'm not interesting in getting married anytime soon. I still have a few years before I finish my ph.d. I just love him so much and when I think of his smile and hear his voice, everything wrong just seems to melt away.
Thanks again!
Gosh, its too suspicious to me! Have you met his mother or does he tell you that she comes all the time? It kind of sounds like he might already have said his I dos. Sorry my mind goes to the worst possible scenario.
Awww I know how you feel. Sometimes your heart takes over and your brain turns into mush! I think you have the right to be suspicious! After dating for a year, you should at least spend some nights at his place or yours! It just doesn't sound right... something is fishy. Sounds like you guys are still in the "just dating" category, and not the "committed to each other" category. Have you talked about your relationship in terms of committment and monogamy?
bamboo -- no worries! My mind goes to the same scenario!
I tried to meet his mother - he said he wasn't ready!
We discussed the whole committment/monogamy thing. I am all for communication and tend to follow it even when things get uncomfortable. He just tends to insert lies into some of the things. He keeps telling me his is committed to me.
Thanks ladies!
I would break into his apartment... haha j/k , kinda, no really kidding. My first inclination is he is living with someone else... who that may be I do not know. ALWAYS trust your instincts. They're there for a reason and as much as it may hurt to find out something bad now... it would be so much worse to find out later when things are more serious.
You gut is probably right. That sounds too weird and you should call him on it.
Wow, excuses aren't cool. I'd have serious doubts too.
I think the bottom line is, if you feel comfortable, talk to him about it. Otherwise, your gut is telling you the right thing! Sorry to be a downer but after reading your posts, I didn't feel any better about it. I would ask one question though: were all the other timestamps on the emails correct--like did they ever say odd hours? The time might be messed up.
Good luck and best wishes!
Even if the time stamps are wrong (and this happens all the time on emails when I travel), you still have a man who (a) won't let you see where he lives and (b) gives you enough doubt to make you, in your own words, "crazy." It isn't love that's driving you crazy, it's his behavior. I speak from experience.
True love is peaceful, patient, inclusive; easy & simple. When a man gives you all the security you need, there is no need to do anything obsessive or have any of these types of worries.
When I met someone who truly knew what it was to share a life with someone (my FH), the difference was enormous and I still marvel at it. Your instincts are right. Don't listen to what he says about commitment. Actions are louder than words.
Mitla - that is such good advice. Thank you! I really appreciate it.
and thank you to everyone else as well!
His "mother" comes over and stays for weeks. Um, no. I'm really sorry, but this guy is not being honest with you and you deserve honesty. A friend of mine dated a man for four years and didn't know he was married and had an additional girlfriend (she was the second other woman!) because he always had an excuse for why she couldn't come over and see his place. She now insists on seeing a boyfriend's apartment after the first date. Four years and she even moved to a different country for him - obviously he was very good at juggling three relationships and keeping his lies consistent.
Hmm. While, I think there could be an explanation to the e-mail and airport thing, some other things don't add up. Do you have his home phone? Can you call there sometime, when you know he's not home? Maybe soeone else will answer. (Is that wrong?...)
I do think it's odd, he has excuses to keep you from coming over. I think it's VERY odd, he's not ready for you to meet his mom, but you both discuss how you want to marry each other.
If you felt the need to snoop, I think you need to take a step back. Either your gut is telling you something is wrong, or you have insecurity issues. (But it sounds like something's up.) Maybe you can have a firm discussion with him. Who knows, maybe there a good reason, no one here could know.
Good luck.
I hate to say it, but it does sound fishy. Not that I am one to push religion on anyone, but we are familiar with the Bible verse about "love is patient, love is kind..." well, not to be sacreligious, but love is also not suspicious! Greg Bernhardt is full of it sometimes, but some of the stuff he says in "He's Just Not That Into You" really makes sense-alot of common sense that we as women tell ourselves and each other to excuse all types of horrid behavior.
To quote Mitla "True love is peaceful, patient, inclusive; easy & simple. When a man gives you all the security you need, there is no need to do anything obsessive or have any of these types of worries." That is crazy behavior and that you felt that driven to snoop is even more of a reason to listen to your gut.
You shouldn't have to ASK to spend the night-when a man loves you, he LOVES you, he wants to be with you, he wants to make you happy and secure. True love IS peaceful (like Mitla said) it is also secure & comforting. I lived with emotional chaos for years and told myself that things were off about my ex husband-well, turns out the excuses I told myself in my head were just that-excuses. He was cheating the entire time.
Not that I'm saying that your fella is cheating, but he's not being forthright about something/everything. You owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of this!
Oh Confused, this stinks. So sorry to hear. I would say that your instincts are dead on and there is something else going on. Sounds like he is currently in a relationship (whether married or not who knows...) and they live together. Have you EVER been to his apt.? Or just not ever slept over? I don't blame you for snooping. I would have done the same. You have to trust your instincts and find things out on your own if you can. As much as you hope he'd tell you truths to your face if you approached him about it, I whole heartedly believe that MOST boys will lie through their teeth in order to keep the things they care about close to them, especially if it is multiple involved relationships. I've dealt with a "cheater" before and I would snoop because i felt like I didn't have a choice and that it was the only way to find things out to protect myself. When you approach a boyfriend about something like this it is difficult to not believe what they tell you. You love them and naturally do not want the accusations to be true. So you need as much behind the scenes ammo as you can get your hands on. If I were you (and this is what I have done in the past) I would hold off on approaching him about it and I would NOT tell him about the e-mail. I would wait to see if you can dig up anymore info to confirm your suspicion. I wouldn't let on to the fact that you have an idea something fishy is going on until you 95% absolutely know for sure and i say that because I find that if you make your supicions known to him, and there truely is something going on that you haven't confirmed, he will just try and do a better job of covering it all up to keep you from running away and it will just make it that much harder to try to prove what could potentially be happening under your nose. They will LIE and DENY and you have to be on your toes. I don't say its "snooping" I say "detective work".
Good luck, and don't be too furious if you can help it. Easier said then done but if instincts are correct the idiot is not worth the energy that being furious emits. Focus that energy on moving on. I hope he believes in karma. Actually, now that i think about it, it doesn't matter if he believes or not because I most certainly do and he'll get his.
Well first off, this guy either has another wife or is cheating on you or is embarrased by you. You should see a guys place on the 3rd or 4th date, 6th if you're a prude, this guy is not your bf; you're his booty call. I wont even get into where he is, he owes you no explanation... I do not mean to be mean, but are you that naive? Come on... if you want to find a husband material type of guy, find one that respects and values you enough to take you to his house...
I was in a situation where we never hung out at night. At first, I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I asked him to come over one night and he said, "Sorry, I've got to hang out with my wife" that I discovered that things were not as they seemed. (They were separated, but still...). I am of course not saying that this it what is going on in your situation- I just want to give the word of warning about someone who is not fully open, honest and (at least mostly) fully available!
have his address?? send him some ILOVE YOU flowers with a lovely note in your own handwriting with your name put your number on the envelope so that who ever sees the envelope will be able to call you if he sees it he will think it is the florist that put it on there!!!!!
if he gets really ticked at you...then you know somethings is definately up...if you get a call from someone else then you definately have the answer as well!!
Having been through a similar thing, I created my own personal 230am phone to the house rule. If i can someone's home at 230 am they should be concerned not angry ....if they are angry with me calling "in the middle of the night" then they arent right for me either way! oh and My reason for the 230am call?? Becaus eI missed you so much I wanted to hear your voice!!!
Any man I dated after the Married man relationship I ended up in if I didnt see the inside their home, then i did the 230 phone call. and seeing the inside of their home doesnt mean being intimate. I have dated men that cooked dinner for me, for the most part if a man is going to invite you to his home than they arent living with someone. You can usually figure out if another woman is living in the home.
best wishes to you
red
Oh, wow. Wow! This guy does not sound like he deserves you one bit. Not letting you see his place? His "mother" coming to stay? You are 100% right to be suspicious. Honestly, I'd find all of that very disrespectful after dating for so long. I am really sorry you're having to deal with this.
Are you friends with any of his friends? Have you met any of his co-workers?
Does he ever spend the night at your place? Like on the weekends? I say that because I *think* I dated a married man once, and we never went to his place because he said his mom, brother and nephew lived with him.
He NEVER spent the night at my apartment. We dated 4 months. Yeah, I sound kinda dumb now. I never found out if he was married or not, but him never spending the night was a sign, just like never going to his house. If he doesn't spend the night, he has to get back before someone gets worried and blows up his phone.
"I tried to meet his mother - he said he wasn't ready!" but, yet he's comfortable talking about marriage and you said you guys "pretty much know you will marry each other" so why the hold up on meeting the folks? I don't get it. The not having you over to his place is really odd, do you know where he lives? If so just stop by unannounced and see what happens. Aslo, I don't get talking about marriage when he said he doesn't love you, pretty much- you mentioned he said he would be lying if he said he loved you. Something is NOT right. Listen to your womanly insticts, womens instincts are usually pretty spot on. Don't be taken for a fool. I'd check his e-mail more, check the sent folder, I know this sounds terrible but, whatever, you need to know. Or just flat out ask him if he's married.
I agree with the ladies on this one. Mitla you hit the nail on the head! Confused .. you seem to have alot of great things in your life, smart, successful.. you deserve better. Go with your gut, call him out on it and walk away. It definately sounds like he is either married or in another relationship. He isn't worth the time and if it turns out that there is a "wife" of "girlfriend" involved I feel bad for her. she probably thinks he is the best thing ever!
Lol the "evil" side of me likes the sending flowers idea. Best time to send is when his "mother" is visiting.. 
thanks ladies!
I just checked his email. Back story -- he is looking for an apartment, I went to see 1 with him, day before he said he found an apartment on his own, didn't even show it to his mother, and is moving out today to live with his friend because the apartment won't be ready until next week.
His email to the realtor from last night said -- " i dropped by with my mother this afternoon but you weren't there. can you please show it on monday, i want her to see it."
THAT AFTERNOON he should have clearly been in toronto as according to him, he didnt come back until 9!
ahh ladies, I need the strength to break up with him.
You already have the strength! That's what motivated you to finally uncover all this lying. This guy's a dead end and as heartbreaking as that might feel, try to transform some of that sadness into anger and use it to end things. You deserve a guy who will want to introduce you to his mother, who will let you stay over, who will have you as an integral part of his life -- not keep you tucked away like a secret.
Message deleted as I missed your recent update. I hope you are doing better. :)
Hmmm......why would he tell the realtor he dropped by with hus Mother though if there was no Mother? I mean, he doesn't know you are checking his e-mail....now I'm plain confused. :P
What ever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU CHECKED HIS EMAIL! I've done the same thing as you but unfortunately I told the guy. In the end I found out he cheated on me twice BUT I looked like the bad guy for "stalking" his personal account. I say leave the relationship FAST but leave it with dignity.
Thanks YSA!
Miss Sheva! I believe in Karma too! and low and behold .. he accidently forwarded the email that said he went with his mother! ! !
I won't have to mention checking his email. And we'll be doing the talking on my terms.
Go with your gut instinct. You obviously had doubts about the situation prior to checking his e-mail and you obviously were right in that something wasn't right about the situation at hand. The only way I found out about an ex boyfriend's lying and cheating was that I accidentally heard his voicemail (we were fighting and I left a really nasty voicemail to him and wanted to go in and erase it) and there was a woman on there who was saying how she was looking forward to seeing him and spending the weekend with him. He was supposedly spending time with his son.
If you guys have never spent quality time together at home, either home, then something is not right. Going out like you do is fine when you're first starting out, but eventually you move onto the staying over at each others places. I know you're not interested in getting married yet, but it's not fair of him to always come up with some excuse as to why he won't stay over. It doesn't sound like he's being truthful with you. Learn from my mistakes, if your immediate response is that he's not being honest with you, then where do you go from there? You can't build a relationship on a shaky foundation. You deserve better than that. Good luck with everything!
If you are already questioning him and snooping thru email, should this be the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Somebody you'd trust YOUR life or your children's lives with?
I think you know the answer to this question.
My take on this is he is either in a long term gf relationship or is married. He has the signs of that. And you NEVER going over there and seeing how he lives is a huge red flag imho.
I want to give you a huge hug. Wish you the best. I'm also going to suggest you write down you concerns over him and ASK the man and see what his answers are. Ask him! It's so much better to watch a response than snoop and question and draw a conclusion. And let him know you are aware he's been untruth ful to you.
Wish you nothing but the best.
Oh wow, he forwarded that email? Thats full circle karma right there. Please keep us updated, we are always here for support for you! Something is clearly going on here - perhaps you started dating him at the tail end of a divorce and hes embarrassed, or maybe he is sneaky and is living a double life (this has happened to TWO of my close friends now, so I put nothing past anyone) but bottom line, like you said, you need to discuss on YOUR terms. Dont take any excuses...
Wow...your right KARMA! I had a similar situation. My Ex asked me to change his Fantasy Football status and gave me his password....same account as his email. When I went to change the football stuff there were all kinds of emails in there from his ex-wife (no kids, no bills no reason to keep in contact)....The emails were recent and all stated "how great it was to see you" And "i hope we can do it soon" (there were more vulgar ones but I will keep this PG).
I had always thought in the back of my mind that there was something fishy going on. But my mind would play tricks with my heart and I would fall back on the fact that he had never blatantly given me a reason to NOT trust him even tho my gut was telling me otherwise....had I listened to my gut when it was first talking to me I wouldn't have wasted 5 years of my life.
You are a strong woman! You didn't need the bee's to tell you there was something weird going on. You just needed to talk about it.... that's why we are here!
Hmm... this is extremely fishy. I love what Mitla says about love!
I'm sure that you have googled this man, but if you haven't you should do that pronto. It's not snooping to look at the public record of him, and certainly there will be some kind of electronic trail about him. You could also pay for a service that does a background check on him, but quite frankly, if you need that kind of reassurance about a man, he's probably not the right man for you!
Best of luck and take care of yourself!
I'm so sorry this is happening!! :(
I agree with other posters that it sounds suspicious. But I am wondering - have you ever talked to him about why you never spend the night at his place? Does he have a reason why like it's messy or yours is closer to his work or something? I never stayed at my FI's apartment while we were dating b/c mine was nicer and more convenient to both of our jobs.
I also agree with everyone that you need to talk to him. You should come clean that you snooped and ask for an explanation about that email. Is this the first time he's done something that's made you suspicious? If not, I would say it's possible he is a 2-timer. I've never done this before, but maybe consider getting a private detective involved.
Oh and what city do you live in? I live in NYC dated a corporate lawyer once and barely ever saw him. It was a rare occurance and usually after 9:00pm during the week if I was lucky.
Confused,
How are things going now? I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you are feeling cared for and supported here and in other parts of your life.
When having a difficult situation w/ someone, I think it helps to look at the situation in terms of what YOU want and need, or else you start to feel crazy when speculating what the other person is doing or feeling, because those things we will never know for sure. As you said yourself, you are an intelligent woman and you, I'm sure, know what kind of relationship you'd like to have and the type of partner you want to be with. Maybe even take some time to really consider that and write down what you would like. Stay rooted in that when you talk to him about this. That way the conversation won't just turn into what he may or may not have done, but rather what you're feeling in your gut and the lack of fulfillment you are referring to in your posts, which is leading you to check his email and question him on many things he does.
Good luck, you have the strength to follow your instincts! ((hugs)) to you!
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