(Closed) Mother -Daughter Issues! Please help!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think you need to go ahead with the move and give her just a little notice–a week or less, so you don’t have to deal with her being upset the whole time, but enough so that you can feel more mature. Unless she would take it really badly and do something kinda crazy like lock you in your room–then no, do not tell her.

To see how miserable she’s making you, you need proper perspective. I did not get along with my mom very well and still sometimes do not, but once I left home, I figured out that she would come around and that I was so happy not living with her that, even if she didn’t, at least I was happy and healthy.

Leaving home seems like your best option for that. Yes, it is SCARY, but you’ll be able to do it! I promise, you’ll eventually be glad that you made the choice you did. Get counseling too, if you can, about any anxieties, and make sure you get renters insurance and look up the apartment complex on apartment ratings to make sure it’s absolutely a decent place! Also, remember utlities deposits and to have the utilities turned on.

Good luck and I wish all the best for you!

Post # 4
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry your having a hard time!!  It’s always so hard when people try to dictate your life when your an adult yourself!  Maybe your mother is having a hard time letting go.  Are you the only child?  You’re mom is going through a rough time too, with chemo and unsupportive husband, so maybe shes taking it out on you, the only person who will listen.  She’s just afraid of losing you too, knowing that you’ll be gone when you’re married and leaving her basically all alone. 

The only solution I know is to sit down and talk to her now.  Don’t blindside her at the last minute and just leave, she’ll be even more hurt I think.  Just be sure that you have a backup place to stay if she decides she wants you out after telling her and you don’t have the apt. yet. 

You guys need to at least talk about what her issues are with your Fi and explain yourself and how you feel, she needs to understand your side too as she has told you many times how she felt about Fi.  Maybe she’s bluffing with the not showing up or nothing to do with the grandkids bit.  Hopefully she’ll get over her issues sometime in the future.  Just prove to your mom that you can make it on your own with a happy marriage and she’ll see that she was wrong!

Again, I’m really sorry and I hope it works out!  ((BIG HUGS))

Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I agree with the previous poster.

I had a similar situation happen (minus the engagement) with my mother. Our relationship was really strained for a long time. She was very unsupportive of everything I did and was prone to flip out over something stupid. The fact was, my mom was so miserable in her second marriage (after my dad died) that she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t upset her abusive husband, so she took it out on me. Once my mom realized that I was able to get by on my own and I was doing just fine, she started to come around and eventually left that marriage, and our relationship is stronger now.

Maybe your mom is just trying to rationalize her own unsatisfying marriage by thinking that every woman should marry for the things she did, which appear to be security and stability; because if she acknowledges that your marriage for love and companionship is okay, she has to look at her own marriage critically and admit that maybe she didn’t make the right choice. Granted, I don’t know your mom and I don’t know what their relationship is like, so hopefully I haven’t offended! If so, I am so sorry. 🙁

I do think, however, that being out on your own will be a good thing for you. If you truly love each other and you know that your relationship is a healthy one, then go for it. Moving out will be a good thing for you. Your mom will eventually come around. It might take her some time, but once she sees that you guys are able to have a happy life together, she might start to make some changes in her own life. It could be that her protesting is just because she’s not ready to face the truth around her. Just hang in there and try not to take anything to heart. It’s very difficult, but just know that nothing she’s saying is truly what she believes. She thinks she believes it, but give her some time and she’ll prove you otherwise.

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think your mom is scared. I think she is scared to be left alone with an unsupporting husband, and to have her only baby grow up and be married. It doesn’s sound like her opinions of your FI are justified to me. He obviously can hold down a job and is motivated to go to school. He’s not really delayed in life if he’s been in the service, that is a career and a very nobal one. I think if you can try to calmly sit down and have a heart to heart with your mom, without your FI present. Just try to give her an oppertunity to express herself and what’s really bothering her. If she says she can’t stand your FI and blah blah blah, just say mom this is who i’m choosing to marry. I really want to talk to you about your concerns but I won’t listen to what your saying if you are going to attack the person I love. Than maybe you could say, if anyone ever talked about you this way, I would defend you with all my strengh because I love you and I would never want someone to disrespect you like this.

Forget about the dryer issue that’s just a little hey we live together and get on each other’s nerves sometimes. There are deeper issues here, but since you say you used to be best friends, there is a lot of hope for your relationship with her, if your both willing to work on it.

Keep us posted!

Post # 7
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

I feel for what you are going through. While not with my parents, I know what it feels like to have someone controling your life and being terrified of what will happen when you are finally able to move on.

If you can, I’d try talking to you mom. Try prefacing it by stating you need to talk, and asking her to just listen until you get through what you need to say, then having a back and forth discussion. If she won’t let you talk or it gets too heated to be productive, I’d write her a letter and hand it to her, staying nearby to talk afterwards if she wants to. Maybe you need to clearly state to her that you will talk things out with her, but won’t yell or scream at each other, and if she gets that upset, you’ll leave to take a break and come back later to continue the discussion. It’s really hard trying to have a discussion with someone who gets some emotional and reactive.

If she is not at all receptive, I would just let her know what is going and and move forward with your plans. I would, as prev. posters have said, make sure you hve a palce to go to before you get into things with your mom. I’d also have my most important possessions packed if possible, so that at least you can get that out, if there are issues trying to move your stuff. It sounds like a situation where you really need to protect yourself, and be very cautious, but hope for the best at the same time and allow your mom the opportunity to talk it through.

Kudos to you for your strength and not jumping into a marriage just to get out of the house. That takes a lot of maturity, so be proud for that. And… getting an education at any time in your life is difficult. You and your FI should be proud that he has the perseverence and motivation to better himself and try to secure a better life and future for you both. Don’t let anyone discredit that.

(hugs)

Post # 8
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow.  I agree with the other posters that based on what you’ve shared with us, your Mom’s feelings about your FI aren’t justified.  Being in the military is a very noble profession and it sounds like your FI is very focused on doing what he needs to do to get an education.  

Obviously your Mom is going through a lot right now, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to treat you so badly.  Threatening to cut you out of her life is down right awful.  I think the best course of action is to talk to your Mom.  If she won’t hear you out, then I think a letter (like the previous posted suggested) is a good idea.  

Basically you need to tell your Mom that you don’t appreciate how she is disrespecting you and your FI.  Tell her you love her, but you are an adult and deserve to be treated like one.  Explain that you love your FI and you have chosen him to build a life with and you understand she disagrees with your decision, but you hope that she’ll be able to respect it.  

I would tell her about a week before you move out.  Based on your description above, your Mom sounds very volatile and you don’t want to have an uncomfortable living situation any longer than you have to.

Stay strong and good luck!  

Post # 9
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through so much!  Its horrible to be treated so poorly by someone who is supposed to love you and support you unconditionally.  I hope this isn’t offensive but it seems, from the description that she may be unhappy with how her life is right now and she may fear something similar happening to you.  It won’t, you guys will be happy together but its hard to prove that to someone who loves you.  She is being selfish and rude and making things so much more difficult but there is an underlying reason, even if I’m way off, there’s gotta be something.  A controlling parent is one that is afraid to let go, and doesn’t want to see anything happen to you. 

That being said, I do think you should go ahead with this move.  You’re going to be beyond nervous telling her but it has to happen.  Its not healthy for you to deal with all that stress everyday.  And its not condusive to a good relationship to have the constant disapproval.  If you’re not in the house you can avoid most of that.  I don’t know what to say about her not wanting to attend the wedding except that one day she’ll regret her decision.  I think she may be saying what she thinks will hit you the hardest to make you second guess your choices but I wouldn’t be so sure she won’t attend the wedding, or want to meet and spend time with her future grandchildren.

I’m glad that you’re marrying into a family that loves and supports you because it can ‘supplement’, so to speak, what you’re missing right now in your own family.  I’m sorry again, I wish you the best of luck in you future :o)

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