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We hit this road block a while back and really it took me sitting down and talking to both my family and my FI separately....I explained the importance of them getting along and how I didn't want to feel like I had to choose between my family or my SO. It was an odd situation where the brothers ganged up and decided they didn't like him and it in turn made him resent them. In the long run they realized there was no reason for having distain towards each other and they maturely decided to just get along. It wasn't a short process and I don't know why it happened to begin with, but my family and him get along just fine now.
My husband and my parents aren't really close. It's a pretty impersonal relationship. We live about 1400 miles away, so we rarely see them, but still it would be nicer if he was closer. They're always very polite when together, ask questions, seek interest in each other, but when it's just me and him, he's always asking why my family is so weird, etc.
I guess I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to let you're not alone in parents who are not close to your SO. I guess as long as they try to at least be civil for you, that's all you can ask for, it could be much worse.
@bluebutterfly: Thanks for your response! It definitely gives me hope and I'm happy that everything is better for you all now. Although we have all talked before, I will definitely take your advice and try again.
@IA Snowflake: Thanks for the support. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this :) They are all very civil, it's just hard sometimes, because it feels like it should be more than that. Do your parents wish things were different?
If it's important to you I think you're going to have to put your foot down. I think the key here is that you want the interactions between him and your parents to be really nice and not at all harsh which means you have to do all the harsh things. Not sure if that makes sense. What I mean is that if either your FI or your parents are doing things that are not optimal for the relationship you have to address it so they don't hear it form each other. I think you have to be the bad guy on both sides.
I'd sit your FH down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him your parents are really important to you and will always be your parents. Thus it hurts you that he doesn't respect your family bonds enough to make more of an effort. Tell him that they're older than him and thus entiteled to him making the effort. Tell him that they don't hate him but even if they did that just means he has to work harder to make them like him. Tell him to get to know them and win them over because this is important to you and since they don't live close it's not too much to ask. This will also simplify the rest of your life. Since his family is not close he probably doesn't understand what a big deal this is.
Site down with your parents. Tell them, this is the man I've choosen to be my husband, he is now my number one in my life. I know you're used to me being your daughter but I'm now forming a new family and you have to respect my commitment to my husband, he is my first concern now so you can't just be sure you come first in my life anymore. Thus if you can't build a good bond with him it will reduce my ability to spend time with you, today as well as in the future with children. If you want to be close to us as a couple you have to make an effort to build a relationship here, no matter who 'should' be initiating conversation.
Also tell both of them that the other party does in fact like them but is afraid of them and doesn't understand them well.
Good luck! This is such a tricky issue but I think the key is that both parties make an effort.
Er, of course I don't mean use the language I typed (or the sp mistakes) that would be way too harsh. I just meant the meaning.
@Arachna: Thanks so much for the advice. It might be tough for everyone, but we all definitely need to have a serious talk. Just wish it wasn't so difficult sometimes...they can all be so stubborn!
omgosh im going through the same thing too!!!! My family really has no reason not to like my FI but seems like when they actually want to give him a chance my sister gets into it and sometimes even makes stuff up about my FI so my family will adore her husband and not mine. We have a baby together and have been together for 3 years and there is no concrete reason of why they arent nice to him. I just tell myself that I know the real him and Im marrying a great guy, and sooner or later they will realize that.
@Tammy: I'm so sorry you and your FI are having to go through that. It must be especially hard on you sometimes with the baby. I just got off the phone with a great girlfriend who went through the same thing with her in-laws, and she also said that having patience in this type of situation is the best thing to do.
Oh that sucks big time. It definitely sounds like just a lack of communication.
But, i feel that while everyone is an adult, i feel that parents have a sort of obligation to welcome new members into their family. So i think yoru parents need to take a bigger step to include him and your Fi needs to get past the "they hate me!" thing, particularly if the only thing they've been upset with is that he didn't ask their permission (btw how do you feel about that?). i know my guy didn't ask my parents but i didn't expect him to, nor did my parents cuz we have that whole "we're adults" mentality in that nobody needs to ask my dad to marry me or even for his blessing. DH had talked to my parents tho, so it's not like they were out of the loop...it's not like your FI sprung a proposal on you w/o them having any sort of knowledge about it! So, IMO, i think they're being overly sensitive and need to extend the first handshake, but that is just me. Parents shoudl be above and beyond petty behavior because it's harder to come INTO a family than it is to welcome a new member, i think.
I definitely think just having a talk with everyone before hand about communicating will help. Beofre you go over with your FI, "remind" him of how to behave, for lack of better words. All i know is how awkward it was when I was being welcomed into the new family. I clam up, i get quiet, and I shut down a little b/c i know i have a big personality and i don't want to be too crazy, so when DH's family was overly welcoming and friendly with me, it helped me loosen up. It took me some time to get 100% comfortable around them (okay we're going on 5 years and it took about 4 to be 100% there) so give it some time and encouragmeent.
my boyfriend's family didn't liked me since the moment the lay eyes on me. i understood why. Im came from a foster family while they are a very traditional big close family. i was working as a bartender and studying while his family believe the women should stay at home. we met in October and he move in with me on January, 9 years ago. he is the youngest in the family so i think the felt like i took their baby. they never never liked me. i tried so hard so hard to win them but nothing worked. when i got pregnant things didn't got easier. we weren't married and i was having a baby. they were great parents and grandparent but not inlaws at all. to the point the will call my home and if a pick up the phone they will hang up on me. Finally i stoped trying. last year they came around it was a miracle a truly miracle. i dont know what happen or what change but now they like, they talk to me and they even came to our home and spent the summer with us. it took me 9 years.
I know what you'r going. Tried to talk to them and if doesn't work just go on with your life. at the end you are making your life with him. but this is my advice... at the end is your life... i hope my story help you
@ejs: Thanks so much for your advice! My FI not formally asking for permission is a long story. In a nutshell, he told my dad about his intentions independently, but my dad was not responsive and did not even tell my mom until it finally came up with all four of us being in the room because I asked if my parents even knew what his intentions were. Looking back, it seemed as if they were not very pleased about this, but never mentioned it again.
My FI was so hurt by this that he was apprehensive to mention his proposing again in fears that they would "ruin the surprise" again. Although my mom had wanted to help him pick out the ring. I really wish he had asked because we are such a traditional family on certain things, but I understand why he didn't, I just wish he had.
@Magenta: Thank you for sharing your story! I'm happy things are getting better for you. You're a strong person for going through so much strife with your soon to be in-laws.
We are dealing with this right now too, and what makes it worse is they openly treat my younger sisters boyfriend like hes a member of the family, going as far as inviting him to things my FI is not invited to, loaning him things they wouldn't even let ME use and they've only been dating 4 months. However, they treat my FI like he is the awfulest thing that has ever walked on the earth, when in fact he is the sweetest guy I have ever met, his sweetness is what drew me to him initially. It's not fair and it makes me mad, but in 113 days I'm marrying him either way.
I agree with a lot of Arachna's advice. If you do talk to both your family and your FH, as she suggests, I think you should also emphasize to both sides that it's really about YOU (sorry if that sounds selfish). It's not about your parents loving your FH or vice versa or who wronged who. It's about them both loving YOU enough to really, really try to have a relationship with each other, and to keep trying, even if when it's hard, even when their feelings are hurt. It sounds like they all really do love you a ton, so maybe if you let them all know how much it would mean to you, and what a great gift to you it would be, if they could swallow their pride/ fear/ whatever and really try to get along, for your sake.
Anyway, I'm really sorry you have to deal with this and good luck!
Oh, i see. Well, I totally understand that parents can get all riled up about the whole asking for the daughter's hand in marriage, I think it makes perfect sense your FI was basically scared off by their lack of response. In fact, I think they only have themselves to blame for not speaking up and are taking it out on your FI =(.
Is there any more reason other than that for their bad attitudes towards your FI? Cuz if that is the ONLY reason, that is just not enough IMO! What a silly reason to dislike someone so much. Over ONE tiny little incident! Hopefully you can talk to them about it and make it like "oh it's not a big deal, you guys need to get over it" instead of them thinking it's okay to be upset. Don't let them know you wish FI had done it 'their' way b/c that just fuels their justification for being upset. AFter awhile, if you keep telling them, "dude it's not a big deal" etc...maybe that'll help them come around.
Maybe you could invite them over for a nice dinner and help smoothe things over?
I second the advice to have patience.
I think it's very important that whenever you talk to your FH you only say good things about your parents. Whenever you talk to your parents say only good things about FH. Don't allow either party to speak badly of the other, tell them that makes you uncomfortable and to please stop. I think typically part (a) will be harder when talking to parents and part (b) will be harder when talking to FH.
I think the above is a lot harder than it sounds because it feel natural to vent to the people closest to you but in a tricky situation like this you can't afford to.
Good luck! I'm pretty sure it will get better.
Sorry for being sort of repetitive.
(HUGS) Just remember, baby steps. These things take time. I agree with all of the posters above. Good luck!!
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I love Weddingbee but reading some of these happy wedding posts makes me sad sometimes, because I feel like I may never have that. My fiancé and my parents don’t have a good relationship, or really one at all for that reason, and we’re getting married in 7 months. This breaks my heart and I know it hurts them too. He’s the sweetest guy and they’re the best parents, and I love them all so much. They are all such amazing people and everyone loves them, but the three of them together just does not have the same result right now.
For background: My FI and I have been together for over 4 years and have a great relationship. We met in undergrad and are now together in grad school, so as a result for our entire relationship we have never really been able to form a strong physical relationship with each other’s families because of distance. I do have a nice relationship with his mother (who is his only living parent). It seemed as is my FI and parents were forming a bond, although only in the more surface stages, in the beginning of our relationship.
My family is very close-knit, while his is not, so I think that may be an issue of different expectations. As time went by, while my FI and my relationship became stronger, their relationship became weaker it seemed. To the point where he did not formally ask my parents for their blessing in proposing to me. (Although he did speak to my father about his intentions months earlier). My parents were so hurt by this.
This is where I believe things truly unraveled for them. My FI now feels as if he cannot even talk to my parents, and my parents do not appreciate this and would just like to move on from the past and have a relationship with him. But my FI feels as if they “hate” him and is very apprehensive to communicate with them as he has been hurt in the past. And my parents feel as if they should not have to try to initiate conversation with him. The main issue I think in this entire problem is a lack of communication between everyone.
Has anyone else had an issue of their FI and family not really having a good relationship? How did you overcome it? Anyone have a strong relationship between their FI and family and can share tips? Thanks in advance. We have our venues set but it feels like I can’t even really get excited about planning, including pick out a wedding dress with my mom, until our situation improves ...