(Closed) Please Help!! Family and FI Don’t Get Along…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

We hit this road block a while back and really it took me sitting down and talking to both my family and my FI separately….I explained the importance of them getting along and how I didn’t want to feel like I had to choose between my family or my SO.  It was an odd situation where the brothers ganged up and decided they didn’t like him and it in turn made him resent them.  In the long run they realized there was no reason for having distain towards each other and they maturely decided to just get along.  It wasn’t a short process and I don’t know why it happened to begin with, but my family and him get along just fine now. 

Post # 4
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

My husband and my parents aren’t really close.  It’s a pretty impersonal relationship.  We live about 1400 miles away, so we rarely see them, but still it would be nicer if he was closer.  They’re always very polite when together, ask questions, seek interest in each other, but when it’s just me and him, he’s always asking why my family is so weird, etc.

I guess I don’t really have any advice, but I just wanted to let you’re not alone in parents who are not close to your SO.  I guess as long as they try to at least be civil for you, that’s all you can ask for, it could be much worse.

Post # 7
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

If it’s important to you I think you’re going to have to put your foot down.  I think the key here is that you want the interactions between him and your parents to be really nice and not at all harsh which means you have to do all the harsh things.  Not sure if that makes sense.  What I mean is that if either your FI or your parents are doing things that are not optimal for the relationship you have to address it so they don’t hear it form each other.  I think you have to be the bad guy on both sides.

I’d sit your FH down and have a serious conversation with him.  Tell him your parents are really important to you and will always be your parents.  Thus it hurts you that he doesn’t respect your family bonds enough to make more of an effort.  Tell him that they’re older than him and thus entiteled to him making the effort.  Tell him that they don’t hate him but even if they did that just means he has to work harder to make them like him.  Tell him to get to know them and win them over because this is important to you and since they don’t live close it’s not too much to ask.  This will also simplify the rest of your life.  Since his family is not close he probably doesn’t understand what a big deal this is. 

Site down with your parents.  Tell them, this is the man I’ve choosen to be my husband, he is now my number one in my life.  I know you’re used to me being your daughter but I’m now forming a new family and you have to respect my commitment to my husband, he is my first concern now so you can’t just be sure you come first in my life anymore.  Thus if you can’t build a good bond with him it will reduce my ability to spend time with you, today as well as in the future with children.  If you want to be close to us as a couple you have to make an effort to build a relationship here, no matter who ‘should’ be initiating conversation. 

Also tell both of them that the other party does in fact like them but is afraid of them and doesn’t understand them well. 

Good luck!  This is such a tricky issue but I think the key is that both parties make an effort. 

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Er, of course I don’t mean use the language I typed (or the sp mistakes) that would be way too harsh.  I just meant the meaning.

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

omgosh im going through the same thing too!!!! My family really has no reason not to like my FI but seems like when they actually want to give him a chance my sister gets into it and sometimes even makes stuff up about my FI so my family will adore her husband and not mine.  We have a baby together and have been together for 3 years and there is no concrete reason of why they arent nice to him.  I just tell myself that I know the real him and Im marrying a great guy, and sooner or later they will realize that.  

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh that sucks big time. It definitely sounds like just a lack of communication.

But, i feel that while everyone is an adult, i feel that parents have a sort of obligation to welcome new members into their family. So i think yoru parents need to take a bigger step to include him and your Fi needs to get past the “they hate me!” thing, particularly if the only thing they’ve been upset with is that he didn’t ask their permission (btw how do you feel about that?). i know my guy didn’t ask my parents but i didn’t expect him to, nor did my parents cuz we have that whole “we’re adults” mentality in that nobody needs to ask my dad to marry me or even for his blessing. DH had talked to my parents tho, so it’s not like they were out of the loop…it’s not like your FI sprung a proposal on you w/o them having any sort of knowledge about it! So, IMO, i think they’re being overly sensitive and need to extend the first handshake, but that is just me. Parents shoudl be above and beyond petty behavior because it’s harder to come INTO a family than it is to welcome a new member, i think.

I definitely think just having a talk with everyone before hand about communicating will help. Beofre you go over with your FI, “remind” him of how to behave, for lack of better words. All i know is how awkward it was when I was being welcomed into the new family. I clam up, i get quiet, and I shut down a little b/c i know i have a big personality and i don’t want to be too crazy, so when DH’s family was overly welcoming and friendly with me, it helped me loosen up. It took me some time to get 100% comfortable around them (okay we’re going on 5 years and it took about 4  to be 100% there) so give it some time and encouragmeent.

Post # 13
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

my boyfriend’s family didn’t liked me since the moment the lay eyes on me. i understood why. Im came from a foster family while they are a very traditional big close family. i was working as a bartender and studying while his family believe the women should stay at home. we met in October and he move in with me on January, 9 years ago. he is the youngest in the family so i think the felt like i took their baby. they never never liked me. i tried so hard so hard to win them but nothing worked. when i got pregnant things didn’t got easier. we weren’t married and i was having a baby. they were great parents and grandparent but not inlaws at all.  to the point the will call my home and if a pick up the phone they will hang up on me. Finally i stoped trying. last year they came around it was a miracle a truly miracle. i dont know what happen or what change but now they like, they talk to me and they even came to our home and spent the summer with us. it took me 9 years. 

I know what you’r going. Tried to talk to them and if doesn’t work just go on with your life. at the end you are making your life with him.  but this is my advice… at the end is your life… i hope my story help you

 

 

Post # 16
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

IMVHO, I think your parents are wrong and being selfish They can be hurt or whatever, but they should have kept it from you. You are an adult and whether your mom wanted to go ring shopping with him or whatever is irrelevant at this point. To me, it was really unfair to even tell this to you and to make you feel caught in the middle. I also think your parents need to take the steps to show him that they have moved past it and they do not hate him. Again, it seems that they are making it about them and not about you and your FI. They are putting you in the middle — not your FI. I would talk to them and ask them to keep their feelings to themselves and to make an effort to show your FI that they are not mad.
 
My parents aren’t thrilled with my boyfriend (who I hope to marry). It’s not that they don’t like him, per se, but they would prefer I be with someone else. In relaying a conversation she had with my dad my mom said that he was “not who she would have picked,” but also said how she feels doesn’t matter because he is good to me and I am happy. I know, for a fact, I will never hear one negative thing from my mom because she just wants me to be happy… even if she is not happy with what makes me happy. Of course, I would love it if my family just fell head over heels in love with him (I actually think my grandparents are, so that’s nice) but I don’t need them to be. I just need them to respect our relationship, and accept that this is who I am with, and make an effort to make him feel included in our family. They do not need to do this for him, but rather they need to do this for me.
 
I think you should also just accept that your FI may never have the realtionship with your family that you would hope for. And that is totally okay. You are happy and you love your FI and that really is what is most important, isn’t it? As long as everyone is cordial with one another, really they can feel however they want, as long as they don’t show it or put you in the middle. I truly feel when we just accept things out of our control (like whether your FI and family will ever have a good realtionship) then it makes it easier. Then, you give room to allow their relationship to develop organically and maybe one day they will have a great one. For the time being, if your parents truly have moved past everything as they claim, they should let your FI know through their actions.

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