Please help, family ruining my wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’d just tell them that you really appreciate them offering to help, but that you’ve decided you’d feel more comfortable paying for it yourselves and having a small, simple wedding.

I hate when parents/family do that. My parents paid for most of our wedding, but the moment that topic first came up we had a discussion and I made it clear that if we were to accept their money that the wedding would be based off of my and my FI’s wants. That as long as it fit within the budget, everything was our choice. It probably sounds a lot meaner that it really was haha. My parents were completely cool with it and agreed with the idea. My mom was still super involved in planning.

Post # 4
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I know it’s hard, but it sounds like you need to turn down their offer to pay. If they have already paid deposits I would offer to repay them. Let them know you appreciate the offer but are feeling overwhelmed with their demands. Best of luck! 

Post # 5
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

Turn down the money, plain and simple.  otherwise, you are going to have your mother’s wedding.  For the record I am a MOB and I think it is so wrong when parents pull this crap.

Post # 6
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

If you accept their money, you will have to let them plan your wedding. It’s their money, they can spend it how they like. This is a common problem here on the bee with bees accepting money from their parents and the parents taking over.

At this point, I think your only choice is to sit them down and say you dislike all their choices, it’s not what you were envisioning and you want to decline their offer to financially assist you and you will pay for your own wedding to have it the way you want.

Do it fast, before deposits are put down and invites are sent out.

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Thank goodness! Tell them you’ll pay for the wedding you guys want.

Post # 9
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@melmoon:  You had better prepare yourself for some serious emotional backlash from your mother. I mean horrible.

You need to tell her in no unceartain terms that your guest list is decided. Also, because your mother might take it upon herself to invite people behiind your back, make sure you have someone with the list to block uninviited people from coming in. I’ve seen brides here whose mothers made their own invites to send.

 

Post # 10
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Uhm, I’d cancel the CRAP out of THEIR wedding and plan my own, on my own dime.

Your mom isn’t going to be happy, but she HAD her chance to plan her own damn wedding, she can’t take over yours.

I had a friend in the same situation – her mom called all the shots, put her daughter down, tricked her into paying for more expensive things (mom wasn’t helping much, financially) and tried to undo every detail her daughter did to make the wedding her own (like renamed all the tables) Her mom put a HUGE strain on her wedding day, and we all knew it.

I wouldn’t touch those kind of control issues with a 10-foot pole.

And PS – stop talking to mom about the wedding details, especially if you wind up paying for this yourself. Mom needs to learn that your marriage doesn’t fall under her reign of control, and since dad seems to fall under that category already… your parents need to learn the very hard lesson of YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR RULES.

Don’t let them pay a dime if you don’t want to be subject to their whims.

Post # 11
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@CakeyP:  Oh your poor friend! How is she today? Does she resent her mother and her wedding?

I have a friend whose mother overtook her wedding and to this day she has regrets.

Post # 12
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would be honest and say that you can’t accept their help if they are going to take control. Regadless of their contribution, it is still YOUR day.

 

Post # 13
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

I see this happen ALL the time. Do NOT let this be your mom’s wedding. It’s your wedding. Cut them off completely, cut down the guest list, and tell them to wait for the invitation. 

Post # 14
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@melmoon:  We had the same problem with DH’s mom. She offered to pay for our honeymoon, which turned into her planning our honeymoon (how weird!), when we told her we had already planned our honeymoon she got mad and then planned an alternate wedding for us with the honeymoon budget… Long story short, been there done that, and in my experience it’s best for everyone involved to politely decline their offer if you want any sort of control over how that $$ is spent… 

Post # 15
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@LuvMySailor:  I don’t know, neither she nor her husband like to talk about it. The mom definately caused some arguments for them during the wedding planning, and it was only a few months ago so it’s still a bit fresh. 
I mean, her mom even missed the rehersal, and she was supposed to walk her daughter down the asile (she refused to let the dad do it, or even for him to be invited to the wedding, which was unfortunate – that’s her only dad!)

I can say for sure that the wedding tainted my opinion of her mom. It was my first impression of her, and it was a bad one.

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