Please help- He Won't Commit Because I'm not Sexually Adventurous-long

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@ShockedAnonBee:  uh. I’m sorry but he sounds like a dick. Don’t do things that you’re not comfortable with just to please him. He should be considerate of your feelings and turn one as well and not trying to convince you to have sex with other men. If you’re not sexually compatible, there’s not much you can do. Maybe it’s just not worth sticking it out for this guy

Post # 4
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you’re the problem at all. I think some men like to play out their fantasies. I would not be comfortable if my FI asked me to perform and have sex with another man either. I am so loyal to him and would outright refuse to do it, but everyone is different – but it sounds like you and I are on the same page. I wouldn’t do anything that you are uncomforable with, period. It is not worth it and in the end something like this (a sexual fantasy) could turn into your worst nightmare. If he doesn’t change his mind on the sexual stuff I don’t know if you should stick it out? If there are numerous situations where you and him are not compatible – I would venture to break the relationship off and take a break from dating for awhile. I am sure this is not your issue – it is picking the right man for you thats important. You should be able to feel sexually open and comfortable in the relationship and not uncomfortable. Really think about it.

Post # 5
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh no :/ He should respect your feelings and no demand things out of you that make you uncomfortable. And if he’s gone as far as to make you uncomfortable and offer no apology for that, I’m not so sure it’s worth it. You deserve someone who listens to your feelings and actually cares about what you say. Sounds to me like you deserve alot better. Not that this makes it any easier but I believe there is someone else out there for you.

Post # 6
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Firstly, if he loved, respected and was commited to your relationship as much as he says he is this would not even be an issue.  From your description you don’t sound like a prude at all but a highly intelligent women who wants to protect her privacy.  PLEASE PLEASE do not send him any pictures, he’s already capturing images on SKYPE which is bad enough. From the military men I’ve come in contact with they say that a lot of the men SHARE or SHOW those pictures to they’re friends as a way of comparing WHO’S HOTTER.  If he has continued to have sex with you over the course of 5 years it’s mighty odd that when you bring up marriage that ‘s when the issue of your sexual limitations come into play.  DO NOT LET THIS MAN pressure you into having sex with a man for his sick sexual pleasure because your the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror the next day.  Once you open this door it’s going to be very hard to go back and now he will probably expect you to delve deeper into these fantasies he has.  I have an idea how bout you tell him it’s your fantasy to see him have sex with a man and then let’s see how sexually open HE IS.

From your description it does not seem like your boyfriend respects you and your personal boundaries.  If he can’t honor and protect your emotional well being now this is already the beginning of the end because he will not do if after marriage. I feel like you have to read the signs and be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship.  Are these the charateristic’s of someone worthy of spending they’re life with you?  I hope everything works out be strong and don’t compromise your integrity to make him happy.

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think the problem is both of you…..look, the odds of finding someone who is 100 per cent your sexual match are unlikely. Saying “that doesn’t turn ME on” is a little selfish (this is in regards to everything BUT sleeping with another man). TBH I wouldn’t want to marry someone who I thought wouldn’t be willing to even try to meet my needs sexually. …who wants to sign up for a lifetime of being sexually unfulfilled? 

That being said,  the way he is going about this is ALL WRONG.  Sex is so much about trust, and he’s showing you you can’t trust him. Taking your photos like that is disrespectful,  and I can see why you would be hesitant to send him photos when you feel he has already abused your trust.

I think you need to meet halfway here: you need to be willing to try (some) things,  but only if he proves he can be trusted in that situation. 

In regards to sleeping with another man, by all means,  draw the line there….

Post # 8
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Ninteenthchance:  run. Get out now. At this age, you know what you like and what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. He’s already pushed your boundaries and violated your trust with photos and video. To me, this is a complete deal breaker. Add to it his open admission of withholding from you your needs, because he’s not being sexually fulfilled by you? Yeah he’s a total douchebag loser and you deserve so much better. Leave him now. 

Post # 9
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

He is being unreasonable. You desrve better. Son’t go back to him. He is 100% in the wrong.

Post # 10
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Okay, the issue here isn’t sexual compatibility. At all. The issue is the emotional blackmail. He is telling you that unless you do XYZ, he will not meet your needs. This man is using you. The fact that his reasons for not proposing changed also shows that he is not planning on committing. When a man has a truly logical reason for holding off on an engagement, he tells you exactly what it is and does not change it. You need to get out of this relationship. I’m so glad you broke up with him. I would suggest going no contact so that he can’t come creeping back in a few months from now.

 

Post # 11
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sorry you’re dealing with this OP! I hate to say it, but your now EX (please dont take him back!) is a Sexual Deviant and a very manipulative one at that. He is holding this possible comitment over your head because you won’t sleep with a stranger?! WTF!? And I’m sorry, but Skype sex, dressing up, etc is far from Vanilla – you are not a prude – these guys, your ex h and ex b are manipulative controlling borderline predators. 

after reading your story my heart hurts for you – a man has needs yes, but what you described goes beyond that. I am concerned that you are so willing to believe them when they tell you that you need to loosen up and your failure to please them is the reason for the stall in the relationship. Perhaps from their perspective this is true – but I get the feeling that your bf is using your want for a comittment against you to manipulate you into doing things you do not want to do – that makes me sick to my stomach.

You are right to break it off with him.. I  am wondering if you have ever sought out a therapist to discuss these men in your life and do see why you khave find yourself in relationships with men who claim you cannot satisfy them sexually? From my perspective I see the ex h and ex b as a pattern that you may want to explore.. 

good luck and take good care if your self!

Post # 12
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh that situation sounds so horrible! You should never feel blackmailed or forced into doing things that you are not sexually comfortable with. (I’m assuming you get this, which is why you broke things off) It’s not fair you to, you always deserve to be treated like a princess. No matter what you are wearing, what your sexual preferences are, etc. When you find that special someone it will be that much sweeter! Like other bee’s I would go “no contact” with him. I really hope you realize that you are 100% in the right. You should never have to worry about the things you are going through. You can always message me if you need someone to talk to as well! 

Post # 13
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Starling13:  I think ‘Sexual Deviant’ is harsh – there are nothing wrong with doing these things if both partners are willing, consenting and enjoy themselves. There is absolutely something wrong in trying to push someone in to something they do not want to do. 

OP, as others have said – the problem here is really the emotional manipulation. Do not take him back. Do not let these men rob you of your self-esteem – talking to a counsellor/therapist might be very helpful at this point. 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Eat-well-travel-often:  Why I view this as Deviant is that he is using his sexuality to manuipulate her. Wanting or sharing kinky sex is not Deviant – but emotionally blackmailing somebody is – as it is predatorial. She said herself she is not willing and he throws that back in her face.

Post # 15
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @ShockedAnonBee:  first of all ((( BIG HUGS ))) cause I know this has to be hard to write… otherwise you wouldn’t have gone anon.  You are obviously hurting, not to mention embarrassed, perhaps even ashamed…

The truth ???

After reading your post… You guys don’t make a good match.  You have different view points on various things… not just sex.

He doesn’t value you in the way YOU DESERVE TO BE VALUED !!

As someone else said he is being a d!ck

You are broken up… so be it.  Stay this way.  Go out and get the book by Greg Behrendt entitled “It’s Called a Break-Up cause it is Broken”

Give yourself some time and space to find yourself, and WHY it is you are dating / involved with crappy men.

My BEST ADVICE… after reading Greg’s book above, go out and get 2 others…

Greg’s “He’s Just Not That Into You” and Dr Phil’s “Love Smart ~ Find the One YOU WANT – Fix the one you got”

ALL of these books are written from a Man’s perspective.  Very eye-opening.  Men see relationships (indeed life) from a different viewpoint from women.

If you plan to marry a man, then you need to know how they think / operate (same way if you were to adopt a puppy you’d read up on what they do, lol)

After you’ve read these books, I can GUARANTEE you’ll be a changed woman who will date differently.

Because you’ll see yourself as an AMAZING WOMAN who is far more valuable than you currently are giving yourself credit for. 

A MAN WOULD BE HONOURED TO DATE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE GAL AS YOURSELF !!

No more fishing in the scummy slew… you’ll be looking for a new pond.  Maybe even do a bit of fly-fishing in babbling brook, racing river, or take on some deep sea fishing !!

The world of QUALITY MEN will stretch far beyond your front door and just where your eye normally can see.

— — —

PS.  Sexually you guys aren’t on the same page.  NEVER should you ever feel cohersed into anything you aren’t comfortable with.  That is not respectful.  And it sure as H3LL ain’t LOVE.  This guy is a sleeze ball.  He wants porn he can get his rocks off to porn… he wants a real woman he can figure out how to honour her, and have sex with her in a way that she feels is appropriate / comfortable for her.  There is nothing wrong with you (the guys who tell you so are as I said d!cks).  What is RIGHT WITH YOU is you obviously have character & morals, you don’t feel comfy in what is being proposed to you… because it makes you feel disrespected, dirty.  And that is never cool.  YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS GUY.

Now don’t walk… RUN to a Booksore / Library and go get those books I listed.  So your NEW LIFE can begin sooner rather than later.

This looser will be wanting you back not long after… but guess what, you’ll have grown sooo much you’ll just be shaking your head and saying “What the H#ll was I ever thinking”… and have moved onto a really FABULOUS GUY.

Now go make it happen girl !!

 

Post # 16
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Starling13:  Fair enough, I took a different message from your original post. I agree that using sex/uality to manipulate someone is unacceptable. 

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