(Closed) Please help… how do you know if you are settling for your boyfriend?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@chicagoworkinggirl:  The grass isn’t always greener is one thing I definitely will tell you. But I think you need to examine your relationship separate from this other guy.. stop talking to him, take him out of the equation.. then evaluate where you stand with your current bf.

Post # 4
7462 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

When you have to ask this question…

Post # 5
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The fact that you even need to ask the question of if you are settling speaks volumes IMO.

Your feelings for this guy friend aside, would you still feel this way if he wasn’t in the picture?


Post # 6
9626 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@chicagoworkinggirl:   Yes, it’s normal.  If you don’t mind my asking, how old are you and your boyfriend?  My reason for asking is because as we mature our interests and outlook on life grows and changes considerably – say from ages 15 – 20 and from ages 20 – 30, for example.

My advice would be to step back a little from both of these relationships, even if only for a few days, to give yourself some time and space to think things through.  Neither of these guys has to be “the one” or who you feel may permanently be part of your own definition of “you.”

Obviously you are a good person, care for your boyfriend and don’t want to cheat on him or hurt him.  Having interest in another guy with whom you have more in common than with your boyfriend is normal.  Does this other guy see you in more than a friendship light? 

I would take your time and don’t be too hard on yourself for needing it.  Nothing says you can’t back off of your relationship and give yourself some space here.  You can’t live your life for other people.  You can only live for yourself.  Ultimately, you are the one who must matter the most here.

Post # 7
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I went through this same thing years ago with my fiance but then bf. With any relationship theres always more to talk about in the beginning, but hour conversations arent as frequent as time goes on. I would figure out what you like about each one, that the other is missing then decide whats best. If you choose to stay with your bf though, I would distance myself a little from the other guy otherwise you’ll just keep feeling this way.

Post # 8
9073 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

However, if you are unhappy then you have every right to leave. If you are not unhappy and just unfulfilled, you need to figure out what you can do to rekindle that.

Post # 9
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Cory_loves_this_girl:  I kind of feel this way too. I mean, I’ve looked at men and thought they were attractive but I never once thought I was falling for another man. There is no question that my FH is who I am meant to be with.

ETA, thats just my experience though.

Post # 10
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

perfectly normal.

Post # 12
3369 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s okay to think other guys are attractive, but starting to fall for other guys is a whole other story. I think the fact that you are even having to ask this question, says a lot about what you already know. Breaking up with someone if you are unhappy is okay honey, and it’s a part of life. 

Post # 13
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think it’s VERY normal not to have your SO be your best friend and not to have him spend hours on end talking with you.  Just because you’re no longer seeing skyrockets four years into a relationship does not necessarily mean that your current SO is the wrong guy for you.

However — and this is a HUGE “however” — what should and would KEEP you in a marriage relationship after you have made vows to spend your life with someone SHOULD NOT NECESSARILY BE what keeps you in a dating relationship.

Just because you have a lot of time invested in your relationship with your SO, and you think he is a fantastic guy, and you have most of your social circle in common, and there is nothing overtly bad or wrong with him or even with the relationship, doesn’t mean that he is the guy for you.

Post # 14
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I second PP’s advice/adage: the grass is definitely not always greener…




I think there are phases to every relationship.  I think it is normal to ask yourself – ‘is this what I want?’, because there are times where relationships feel boring, seem lifeless, even when deep down you are overall happy with that person.




However, making these decisions in comparison to something ‘newer’ is not going to bring to a clear, truly thoughtful decision either. 




My SO and I do NOT talk for hours on end, not like we used to when we were really getting to know one another, but I find solice in that ‘silence’.  I find happiness knowing that I have found someone I am comfortable just ‘being with’ and next too, sometimes in silence, whom knows me as I am.




This may not be for everyone, and it may not be what YOU want, but I would guess if you make the decision because you think you want it with this friend, there is a high liklihood that those butterflies will go away…eventually…as well.




Post # 15
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I honestly believe that you are falling in love with this new guy. This does not mean you do not love your boyfriend. Bear with me on this…

I believe in this situation our society would say “leave him, and go be with your new love”. You will be told that if you fell in love with this new guy means you are no longer in love with your boyfriend and that it’s time to move on. I do not believe this.

I am not a Bible thumping Christian – I waiver in my beliefs often. BUT I do believe that the religion does have some good things to say about marriage – more specifically I believe in what C.S. Lewis has to say on this. (http://www.merelewis.com/CSL.mc.3-06.ChristianMarriage.htm – look for where it says “What we call ‘being in love’ is a glorious state” about 9 paragraphs in). This passage will be read at my wedding because I believe that establishing the difference between love and *new love* is the foundation for a monogamous and lasting relationship. I hope this helps.

The best way to think of *new love* in this sense is like fog. Once inside you get lost. You can’t tell what way is up. The closer you get to the fog the more of it you experience – and if you keep moving toward it you will get lost in it. But the fog always clears. Four years from now – what is to say you will not be directly back in this situation? What did you learn?

Another way to think about it is this; no one in a long term marriage is safe from the same temptations you have endured. It is a conscious choice to not spend that time and to not expose yourself to another person whom you are tempted with. This breeds the beginnings of this *new love* feelings. Reveling in these will lead you ‘into the fog’. If you feel these things you need to maturely tell yourself what is occurring and distance yourself from this person.

I have also PM’ed you ‘my story’ because it is too private for this audience.

Post # 16
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Sunfire:  I agree with all of this. In addition to your ages, how long have you been together?

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