- 2 years ago
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
I’m 25 years old, SO and I are planning to get engaged sometime in October, get married in January 2016 (if all goes well), move into our own apartment for a couple years and work our way up to a home. That’s plan. Getting pregnant is not even IN the near future, like at all. We’ve discussed this a ton. A TON. We’ve agreed on this, we’re both okay with this and that should really be the end of it.
But it’s not. I have panic attacks, I can’t concentrate on other things…fearing pregnancy is on my mind ALL THE TIME. We aren’t even sexually intimate, it’s not like I’m scared of an accident or something. Even if it’s completely 100% planned I’m utterly terrified. The child itself is not even what scares me. It’s the pregnancy. I’ve tried looking up information to calm myself down, arm myself with knowledge, and all I’m learning about is the horrible nausea, the stomach cramps and gases, the aching back and breasts, the headaches and stuffy noses, the constant fatigue, the weight gain, the discomfort, the inability to do anything but sit by and watch your own body changing without anything you can do about it and learning to live with a permanently changed body AFTER the child is born.
I had anorexia for two years in college. I’m 5’4″ and weighed 91 lbs, and after 6 months of outpatient therapy I was cured. Or whatever. I’m approx. 137 lbs now, so no skinny minny and it’s a struggle every day to accept myself. Getting pregnant, not being able to control my weight…and it’s not just all baby. So many women gain so much MORE than the recomment 25-37 lbs despite their best efforts to eat healthy and excercise well, and even after pregnancy still can’t lose it. I look up how to deal with this, and so many websites simply state that a woman usually becomes a more fuller figured version of herself after birth (because even if a woman goes back to her pre-pregnancy weight, there are some things about her that simply can’t be changed, like bigger hands and feet, etc.). So just accept it.
I know I sound vain, I’m sorry I sound shallow. But the idea of living completely uncomfortable with myself for the rest of my life just sounds like something I can’t cope with. Even now, every day, it’s a struggle. I try my best to eat well and exercise, but even when I joined a gym I quit a couple months later because it sucked the time out of all my day. I would get off work at 4:30, by the time I drove home and got to the gym it was 5 (or later since I would spend an hour between seeing my SO since he works two jobs and it’s the only time I got with him), an hour there, it’s 6, get home and usually my sister wanted to go for a walk, it’s 7, take a shower, get dressed, manage some sort of dinner and it’s almost bedtime. Add two nights a week of going to tae kwon do or wanting to see my SO at all, when do I have ME time? It was so stressful and I was so unhappy I quit, and I now I feel like I was just being lazy and want to go back even though I loathed it so much.
Sorry for my digression. Point is, I do try my hardest to at least live healthy the best I can even without a gym, and it’s still so extremely rare for me to find a day where I feel okay. After having a baby…loose skin, saggy breasts, stretch marks, even wider hips (I’m pear shaped and have huge hips as it is)…how am I ever going to be alright? My body already feels like it’s impossible to control, once I’m pregnant it won’t even be MINE anymore. It keeps me up at night, and it absolutely bothers me that I’m THIS upset over something I KNOW that I want. Yes, we have discussed adoption and I think it’s beautiful and wonderful, but I know in my heart that if I am capable of having my own child that I do want one.
I don’t know what to do. I know that ultimately if I want my own baby then there’s really nothing I can do but just suck it up, deal with it and have one. But I’m so scared I’ll never be able to cope, that what I feel now, this disgust and ugliness will never go away, and after giving birth I will never be able to get over that.
Just a note, please don’t take this as me saying that all mothers are ugly or fat. That’s not true and I don’t believe that at ALL. I’m talking about what I know about my own body, how it handles weight gain and stretch marks and how I’m proportioned. I couldn’t even handle the gym because I was so exhausted all the time and frustrated by never having any down time. How am I going to make time to exercise when I’m pregnant?
That’s not even getting into the slew of other crap like the fact that even if I can manage to get over this, I know I could only do it once and only have single child where I know SO always wanted a big family (he tells me he’s okay with my decision, it’s my body and if that’s what I choose after having one child he will support me all the way, but it still kills me that I feel like I would be depriving him). Or that I’m scared these worries mean that I won’t make a good mother or that other people will DOUBT how much I want to be a mother because I don’t know anyone THIS afraid and that I’m too selfish or shallow to make a good mother. My SO tells me I need to at least try not to look on pregnancy blogs and websites, just take a step back because it’s not happening any time soon…but I can’t. 5-7 years it NOT that far away. I can’t force myself to stop thinking things that fill my brain. I try to focus on wedding things, or decorating ideas for our future home and it all feels pointless and empty.
Thank you for reading. I kind of just needed to get all this out somewhere.