Please help!! (Long post) bf isn't ready

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I stay??
    Yes : (1 votes)
    6 %
    No : (17 votes)
    94 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I think he is not ready for marriage or never will be. He likes that you do everything for him and act like the wife role. I think a lot of people who’ve been divorced/separated likely do not want to go through that process again. He won’t propose next year. I’m sorry but you have to ask yourself if you are okay to stay in this relationship and never get married. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    297 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2019

    Whoa wait….have the ex live with you?! Just no. Glad she worked it out with her bf 

    Seriously do you want to be married to a man you had to beg to marry you? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee

    Oh honey I’m so sorry to hear this. I can totally tell how stressed and disappointed you are. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling like this. You seem like the perfect girl to not care about all that. You must truly be in love and that’s so sweet but can be sad at the same time, like it’s one sided.  

    3 years plus living together and playing house is a tough spot to be in. Some can make this arrangement last for years and years so it’s a slippery slope. My fiancé and I just got engaged after 10 long years and we never lived together believe it or not (although he’s at my house pretty much every night & weekend). It got really tough the last couple of years so I know how it feels to be frustrated or impatient with all this!

    Back yo you. I’m a little worried about his ex. I personally think her sending photos in her bikini are completely unacceptable and I would be furious. I think your suspicions of him not being over his ex are spot on. I was previously married and have a son with my ex and would never send him a photo of just me especially in a bikini. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand that or gives you an attitude then in my humble opinion you are setting yourself up for bigger disappointments. 

    The question becomes why would you want to marry this man who would think it’s ok for this type of behavior?

    Post # 5
    Member
    654 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I voted “no” because you two don’t seem to want the same things out of life. Are you ok with never getting married? He might never decide that’s what he wants. Plus, I’m really disturbed with him telling his ex that she could stay with you. He should have at least had the decency to ask you first. Are you an equal partner in this relationship and at his home? 

    Post # 6
    Member
    43 posts
    Newbee

    Hun, I don’t think this man loves you and wants to care for you the way a husband should a wife. It seems like he is making you pay the price of the pain that he went through with the divorce. I think he wants you to stay so that someone can continue to take care of a very immature version of him. I am so sorry this is happening, it’s never easy but I think you need to listen to your heart.

    Post # 7
    Member
    567 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Ok. That was hard to read. Paragraphs, please! 

    I think he has told you how he feels. He isn’t ready. He wants you to give him some time to work things out. No doubt it has something to do with his ex – not that he still has feelings, but remember he has been married before and probably doesn’t want to jump into marriage again without being completely ready to do so. It is not doing you or your relationship any good to nag, cry and beg.

    It’s great that you want to make him happy and that you are doing all sorts of nice things for him. Many couples live together just like they are married before they get married. But please remember that they are no longer as nice if you are using them as leverage. Does he do nice things for you? Does he treat you well? It is also not fair to nitpick and judge him when he spends a some of his money on something he enjoys. Trust me, if you guys get married you will need to be supportive of each other and let each other have interests and hobbies, and most of the time they will cost money. Things we enjoy should not turn into souces of guilt.

    If you love him then give him a little bit of time. He told you it would be next year. If this doesn’t happen you will need to consider whether he will ever be ready and have an honest and productive conversation.

    Post # 8
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    He’s not your best friend, he’s your happiness.  My ex-husband was my happiness.  I thought I had this full wonderful life, but I never felt complete unless we were together or I was showing him how devoted I was to him and us.  It was a joy to give give give to this wonderful man.  That’s how it’s supposed to be right?  Um no, it’s codependency. I believe I literally sucked the life out of him.  Imagine being responsible for someone else’s happiness.  It’s EXHAUSTING.  

    So I’m now divorced.  It was Hell.  I didn’t know people could live through that kind of pain.  I was 35, highly educated, good looking, blah blah blah, but my life was over without him. He had found someone else who was fun to make happy because she didn’t NEED anything from him.  As much as I feel sorrow for what he did to me I also feel it for what I made him responsible for, and he put up with it for a long time.

    Now I have a man who wants to “marry in 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years”. Whenever I want. He doesn’t care.  But I am SO scared.  I do not want to become the person I was again, the person who could have written your post, because you ARE who I was.  I’ve told him I’m scared so he waits patiently.  I’m scared of marriage, of changing, scared of hurting that bad again, scared of him changing, scared I’ll lose money, my home, my sanity.

    i think you are the woman I was and I relate with the person your SO is.  He lives the life he wants and you can improve it by pandering to him or not, I don’t think it registers to him too much.  He will continue to do as he sees fit for himself, just like I do. He will make some conscessions but only if he doesn’t care that much about them, but if he does care he will do as he likes no matter what you say.  Because you’re not going anywhere and he knows it. Not until he either tires of how draining you are or finds someone else.  He may marry you mid-life crisis style one day, but this will ALWAYS be your dynamic.  

    Bright side is one day you’ll also go through that Hell and come out the other side so much stronger than you were before.  It’s beautiful really, the vitality of being you instead of “him and we”.  I’d highly suggest you find that before going through it, but you won’t because you’re too bought in.

    (yes, yes, I know, you have a wonderful relationship and he gives and y’all ‘get’ each other and laugh at other relationships because they’re not as strong as yours. THIS is the only thing you fight about.  But all of the posters know that already and we STILL know he hasn’t ‘bought in’ to your ‘us’.  And he won’t. Because a committed man wouldn’t do the things he does.  Ever. So don’t waste your breath in your next post defending him). But know this- you’re going to be okay.

    Post # 9
    Member
    14 posts
    Newbee

    Wow, I feel for you so much.

    I think your love for him has clouded your judgement. I would leave this guy now. He doesn’t have any respect for you. I would go nuts if my boyfriend allowed his ex to live with us. I would be seeing red. The fact he made this decision without consulting you makes me speechless!

    The fact he gets angry when you bring up marriage is a massive red flag I am sorry to tell you.

    I hate to sound cliche but I fear this may be a case of he’s just not that into you. At least not the level that you are. He likes having you around but he does not see you as the one.

    You need to leave him and find someone who worships the ground you walk on and will be excited to talk about your future and marriage…. and YES! These men do exist!!

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee

    A few things: 

    It sounds like you don’t think it’s likely that he’ll propose next year, and I believe you. It’s time to have a planned talk with him about your goals and concerns about the relationship. Would you be okay if you were always a life partner/girlfriend but never married? If not, how long would you be okay waiting? What are his hesitations/fears about marriage? Is he relatively confident that he’ll feel better after a couple years or does he think it will be longer? This discussion needs to be honest but calm. No begging, no yelling. 

     

    I agree with the PP that from your post it sounds like he’s become your happiness. There’s no shame in that- it happened to me and I stayed with a jerk three years longer than I should have because of it. Don’t spend every night together. Plan a weekend trip for just you and a friend/family member/you alone. Volunteer. Get a part-time job, if you don’t have one. Develop friendships and new interests and do things that are new. Sustain your identity outside of this relationship and you will be a much happier person. 

     

    At first glance, it seems like the ex is a little interested and he’s, at the very least, not pushing her away. This is your household and you should have a say in guests in the first place, but having her stay is way way inappropriate. 

     

    Honestly, I’d be done with this guy. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1298 posts
    Bumble bee

    He got hurt by his exwife? AWWWW!! It was 6 years ago!! Get over it!!

    He’s not over her, he’d cheat on you if she did move in. You are just a place marker until they get back together. He doesn’t love YOU, he loves the stuff you do for him. Save yourself, LEAVE!

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