- 5 years ago
I wasn’t quite sure what to title this post but I just want to start by saying that this is very awkward for me to talk about. I know that some of you may roll your eyes and think what am I on about but please understand that there are things in life that some may feel more sensitive about that others.
I have been with my FI for almost ten years. I was 17 and he was 21 when we met. After about a year and a half of dating, he had to go work overseas and we did the long distance dating for about two years, during which we saw each other about 4 times.
Eventually his work no longer required him to travel and we moved in together November of 2006. A few months later I was pregnant and gave birth December 2007. Before our child, we had sexual intercourse on a regular basis but that kind of changed after. My focus was on being a mother and I was always too tired in the evenings. Then I started working full time and the exhaustion grew. He has a very healthy sexual appetite and we would often get into fights about my lack thereof and constant rejection by me when he tried to get intimate.
Many times he told me that he is just going to give up oneday. Well, it seems he recently did that. He does’t come on to me often. It’s actually surprising when he does.
In the beginning of our relationship, we almost broke up because he said I wasn’t affectionate and too cold. We resolved that and I started becoming a bit more affectionate. But overall I’m not a very affectionte person and it seems he just accepted it now by cutting himself off as well.
He often stays up late and works during the night because he works from home and there are too many distractions during the day for him to get much done. I should mention that we live with my parents and my mom takes care of my nieces during the day. So we do not have much privacy either.
Last week our child (turning 5) was ill and I woke up in the middle of the night to find him getting a fever. I got up and found that FI was still up and I went to look for him to get his assistance. I walked to the computer room half dazed of the sleep and when I walked in, he jumped up and I saw porn on the pc. It took me a good few seconds to register and ask ‘what’s that’. He shrugged it off and I’m about 90% sure I saw him fastening his belt. I haven’t said anything to him about it since but it is actually bothering me alot. I know I pushed him away physically and he has tried to ‘warn’ me. And I know it’s not like he is cheating and that many men do it anyway even if they have sexual intercourse on a regular basis. I tend to be a very logical person and always try and see things from others perspectives but I can’t help but feel very strange about this.
I’ve tried to get myself to talk to him about but everytime I chicken out. I just fear that this is not a good way to enter into marriage.
I confided in a close friend and she said that something like this would really upset her had it been her in my shoes. She said I need to talk to him ASAP!
But I just don’t knoe how. I’m worried that he is going to start taking interest in other women next. I don’t mean to sound full of it or anything but I think that i am pretty attractive, although he has of course seen me at my worse :/