(Closed) Please help (long read) :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

breathe easy- this is a far cry from cheating or becoming involved with other women. masturbation is completely normal and very healthy. it may, actually, be something you consider for yourself (the more you do it the more you want to be intimate typically)

On a different note, you need to talk to him. I wouldn’t be so concerned about the porn and masturbation as the lack of communication surrounding it all…

Post # 4
Member
3083 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds to me like the two of you need to find some sort of comprimise.  I personally don’t care if FI watches porn, especially if it’s been a while since the two of us have gotten down to business.  But if you aren’t comfortable with it you absolutely need to have a discussion about it.  I don’t think just because he is looking at porn he will start to take interest in other women, but if the two of you are growing apart and not communicating it’s more likely for something like that to happen.  Talk to him!

Post # 5
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It’s completely normal for men to look at porn, and though I know many women are not okay with it, I am.  I don’t think it leads to them straying, they stray normally because they are not getting the attention at home. I think he is looking at porn because he is a man and that is what they do.  I would try to make time though to show him some affection because it’s not going to magically happen where a switch is flipped to turn you on.  Perhaps you could even watch some porn with him.

Post # 6
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If he has a sexual appetite but you don’t he is going to have to satisfy it somehow.  Do you expect him to be completely celebate?  You need to decide whether your sexual appetite is something you want to work on or you are okay with leaving him to his own devices so to speak.  This is something you can fix together but you need to be committed to doing it which may mean you have to initiate sex on a regular basis to see any changes in his behavior.

You may even need to consider seeing a counselor that specializes in sexual disorders to find out why you are not as interested although I think the exhaustion of working and raising a child are pretty valid reasons.  You are definitely right about one thing, you need to solve this issue before getting married because it will only get worse unless you do something about it.  Unsynced libidos are a major cause of divorce.

My mom said that when this becomes a problem for her she and my stepdad set up a “date” night for once a week and they have sex that night regardless of who is in the mood or not.  She says usually it sparks up their libidos after a few weeks and sex is not an issue for a while.

Post # 7
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@beachbride1216:  +1.

I think that most men who DO have healthy active sex lives with their partners STILL will end up spending some “alone time” in front of the computer. You can get back your sexual relationship, if you are willing to put some work in. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
11287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@JungleLady:  i agree with pp.  if he is not getting sexually safified by you, would you rather him look at porn and masterbate or find pleasure elsewhere?

sexual compatibility is very important to some people.  you need to come to some sort of compromise or he may begin to have resentment towards you. 

he has already given up on initiating sex probably b/c a person can only take so much rejection.  this would concern me b/c he may start to become emotionally detached from the relationship. 

this doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you but he will eliminate any “physical” feelings in the relationship to save frustration.  this will only last so long.

i urge you to seek counselling or talk to your mate about this.

 

Post # 9
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

The fact is most men watch porn.  According to men’s health magazine 87% of men watched porn in the last year.  It is just a fact.  The fact that my FI occasionally watches porn used to upset me but I realized that as long as it doesn’t affect our sex life, it is not a big deal.  If you aren’t meeting his sexual needs then he has to find another way to satisfy them.  I don’t think either of you is doing anything wrong.  If you aren’t happy with your sex life, you should sit down with your FI and have an honest talk.  Honesty is key to any healthy relationship

Post # 11
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Consider finding a sitter for your child for a night, sit your fiance down, and talk.  Don’t attack him over the porn.  Tell him that you love him, tell him that you miss being intimate, and that you want to find each other again, both romantically and sexually.  Tell him your open to counseling, to trying a regular date night where you leave your child with a sitter, or to any suggestions he has.

Be honest and put out there what you’d like and are willing to do.  The important thing is not to blame, just say you’ve both contributed to drifting apart and you care to much to let it continue.  If he responds to couseling, a date night, or has suggestions of his own, then hopefully things can be salvaged.  

Post # 12
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Listen to this statement and tell me if it makes sense:

“I understand you need sex, I’m not going to give it to you, I’m not going to to anything to change that, but I expect you to stay faithful to me.”

That’s what your actions say to your husband, and even though this draught comes from a very important and rewarding endeavor, parenting, that doesn’t make him feel any less frustrated, hurt or resentful.

As the person in my marriage with a higher drive, I get where your husband is coming from, and I can tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s going to take some effort and understanding from both sides of the fence.  He needs to know you weren’t doing this to punish him and you need to know that sex is more than a physcial act for certain people, it’s the way we connect with our spouses, it makes us feel loved, and special and safe.

Read The Sex Starved Marriage, together, and see if you can’t get things back on track!

Post # 14
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@JungleLady:  It’s awesome that you even want to do something about it!  Feel good about that!  Because a lot of people take the sex issue to a level where no negotiation is allowed, and that just doesn’t work!  If it was anything else, housework, bills, money, savings, you’d get on it and find a compromise, right?  Why is sex any different?  I don’t know, but it is!  We worked our way through it, you can too!

Post # 16
Member
11287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@JungleLady:  are you just not into sex anymore?  if not, he needs to know.  if you are just tired, then perhaps he can help pick up the slack.  have you gone to the doctor for a physical to make sure you are healthy?

why don’t you plan a nice date night with your man? if he enjoys a little porn, watch it with him.

i have been in this position but on the other side of it.  you need to be on the same page or close enough to have a decent compromise for both of you.

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