(Closed) Please help me Bees…long

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
18645 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow I am getting really mixed feelings from this guy.  One minute he is saying that he loves you and wants to spend time with you and the next minute he says you are whiney and controlling?  Since you have already been to counseling and he doesn’t seem to want to change, I don’t really see much that you can do.  I really think that you deserve someone who treats you much better than this.

Post # 4
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

“so many I am incredulous that he continues to do this and we are still together”

There is one way to fix that…

I am NOT being snarky, but it sounds like you already know this. It is entirely possible for two people to love each other but have different priorities/places in their lives, etc. It’s up to you how long you want to wait to see if you two will ever line up on those.

Post # 5
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have to go with Amaryllis. It really sounds like you already know what to do and you are just looking for some validation that it’s a good decision.

I think that you definitely need to think about what you need to do for yourself. It does not sound like you get much except heartache and dissappointment out of him, so why put yourself through it? You’ve already been to unsuccessful counseling. You have had “talks” with him. You’ve given it 4+ years. You really deserve much better than what you are getting.

If he wants to hang with his friends, let his friends have him. There are men that will love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Obviously, he isn’t one of them.

Post # 6
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can see you are having a really hard time here. In my experience, a man who chooses everything else over you will continue to do so. I’m sure you can find someone that will make you a priority.

Post # 8
1588 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i’m not a guy, but i know N has a similar problem. he loves to be with people and give, and he’ll give, and give, and give, and when it’s supposed to be me&him time, he’s tired and goes to bed.

thankfully it’s actually gotten a lot better in this past year, but that’s because i finally got sick of it, and said that if he couldn’t give that stuff up, i’d be happy to give him the time he needs to continue. of course it would mean giving me up, but he could see everyone else as much as he wants.


i think you need to be honest with your Fiance. and not even just telling him he hurt you, him saying he’s sorry, and nothing changing. i think you really need to tell him that if things don’t change, maybe you have to rethink something. how can you willingly allow yourself to remain in this situation for the rest of your life?

Post # 9
20 posts

I can relate 100% with you. I was/am in the same position as you. Everything down to 4+ years and being called controlling for asking for some attention. Here’s what I’ve learned… A lot of the problem comes from the fact that I let our relationship be my number one priority. You need another life from him. You need to be able to stand alone without him to be with him. Don’t be so available for him. Initiate Mr. Bee’s plan. It’s for the waiting bees but I think it would be really useful in your situation. Men get real comfortable when their women just wait around for them. Consider it a healing process and concentrate on yourself for a while. Be selfish. Go out even though you guys only have two hours together a day. 

Post # 10
20 posts

Another thing, guys that can’t let their friends down like our FIs usually have a bit of a self esteem issue. It may not be apparent but they’re fearful of rejection from their peers. When it comes to us, they know we’re just waiting at home for them. That’s why they gets so comfortable. 

Post # 11
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Agree with Harlow. I obviously do not have a man’s perspective, but I had a sort of similar situation for a while. It has gotten better but only since, like Harlow, I stopped caring. I realized I was worrying way too much about scheduling all our couple time. I would be upset because I felt ignored or like he put something else before me, but it was mostly because I had so much invested in that sliver of time. It is hard when you only see each other a little bit, but I think that is why having outside interests, friends, and activities helps so much. You don’t feel like you are constantly waiting around for him and his attention. And somehow, the problem sort of fixed itself for us.

Post # 12
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It seems like he has learned that if he aplogizes and turns on the tears, you’ll forgive him so he can go right back to doing things the way HE wants to do them. 

To me, the fact that you have talked about this issue with him repeatedly, and he continues to ignore you about it is disrespectful, especially because it’s clear that this is very important to you.  We’re not talking about discussions about picking up his dirty clothes or putting the toilet seat down. 

Perhaps giving him a taste of his own medicine would be beneficial, as other Bees suggested.  Not being home for the two hours you have together because you’re out doing other things.  But it sounds like there are other issues involved.  The fact that you have been to COUNSELING over this and things still have not improved makes me think not being around for him may be too little too late.  I spend more than two hours a day with my TEACHERS, for crying out loud.

Whether you decide to stay with him or not, please don’t marry him until this problem has been resolved.

Post # 13
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I was in that exact situation a few years ago; the exact same situation. Except, my SO was gone out of town all week end from Friday night to Sunday night every weekend.

Anyway, I did exactly what Harlow said. I started activities for myself, and when the mister had time for me, sometimes I did and sometimes I did not. I made friends, went out, had fun on my own.
Eventually, I left him because I was confident I deserved better than this and after all these years, it wasn’t going to change – or if it was, it was like, too little too late, because I had been too hurt by him.
Met my Darling Husband while doing all my new activities; and we started dating not too long after my breakup; and it made me feel sooo weird to see how differently he was treating me, like “wow I’m so lucky”; and my parents and friends would tell me, “yeah you’re lucky, but this is what a normal relationship is supposed to be!”. Best. Decision. Ever.

Put yourself first. That’s all I can say.

Post # 14
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I can understand if he’s hanging out with his buddies maybe a couple nights a week but every night is crazy! You are his woman and he should spend every second he can with you.  You want a man to put  you first and treat you like a princess.  Me and Fiance dont get to see each other often either and every single time we are together we make sure we make the most of it, we take showers together, stay up late at night to talk about the day even if we both have to wake up super early.  You have to give him an ultimatum, you absolutely cannot live the rest of your life like this, its not healthy for you, if he truly cares for you he will respect you and your feelings.  

Post # 15
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

ok, I’m probably way older than you and have experienced this a few times, so I have lots of opinion on it.

First off, my momma always said “if I guy tells you he isn’t good enough for you, it is a huge red flag…and he is right!”. Your guy saying he is messed up and selfish, well….he’s right.

Second, and more importantly. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. They say women go into marriages hoping the man will improve and men go in hoping the woman will stay the same, and neither usually happens! It’s an old saying, but I believe it is true that he will continue the behavior unless he agrees to go to counciling on his own. If he doesn’t agree…well, you have your answer as to whether or not he really understands that his behavior sucks and wants to do something about it.

Also, if you go to your guy and tell him in an adult way, that something is really upsetting you, and his response is that YOU are the problem (controlling, or whatever), that is another huge red flag that he does not really care that he is hurting you. He is going to do what he wants, when he wants. This certainly will not get better once you are married-my guess is that it could even get worse. Marriage doesn’t fix things.

Lastly, I agree with other posters that you need to go and find your own hobbies, activities, etc. It is never a heathy thing, to get wrapped up in someone else. Also, the more you tighten the leash, so to speak, the more the dog pulls. Go out, find things to do that keep you entertained, FOR YOU, and maybe, just maybe, he will see that you can make a life without him and he will smarten up. My guess is that right now he feels he has you right where he wants you and that you “won’t go anywhere” in spite of his bad behavior. After all, all he has to do is shed a tear once in awhile and you are “back in”, but the behavior doesn’t change, so I call B.S. on the tears. It is a manipulation. You should not tolerate that. Get involved in something and not only will you be showing him that you can do just fine on your own, but it might give you the strength that you need to help you decide how to go forward.

Post # 16
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I really don’t want to hit the panic button, but I think it would be really useful for you to google “The Gift of Fear.”  This is the title of a book about identifying abusive behavior (emotional as well as verbal and physical, which emotional often escalates to), and googling the title will get you a really good list of characteristics that trend towards abusive behavior.  Your FI’s constantly changing behavior, from making you feel like you don’t matter to apologizing and “winning” you back, look like pretty big red flags to me (even if they only point to his being controlling of your emotions).  If you look through “The Gift of Fear” list and see more things that sound familiar, please get help – even if the first step is seeing your counselor alone and sharing your thoughts in a safe place.

Good luck with everything!

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