Please help me with advice…feel so hopeless about our future

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

He definitely needs to talk to his doctor about the medical issues he’s having – low drive and ED is something VERY often caused by low testosterone, which is actually very easy to treat. If this is the case, you would likely notice an increase in drive, fewer ED issues and hopefully a more active sex life. Has his specialist indicated what kind of medical issue is causing his problems, or is it mostly the low testosterone? Have they recommended supplements of any kind? I know there are a few natural products out there (Testo-quench comes to mind) that could be an option if he is not yet willing to go for the full medical route.

 

Are you able to go with him to the doctor to discuss your concerns? Sex is a huge part of marriage (and I don’t mean just straight intercourse, but intimacy in general… kissing, making out, oral sex, handjobs… whatever it is that connects you and your partner on a sexual level) and lack of is something that can often cause marriages to fall apart through the years – one partner is usualyl left unsatisfied while the other feels shame or guilt for not being able to provide their partner with sexual satisfaction.

 

You are not alone – lots of people go through this, but I definitely think you need to approach this in a very serious way with your husband, and his doctor.

 

Have you talked to him about this in a way that isn’t threatening/upsetting to him? I’m sure he knows that you aren’t happy with your sex life and the fact you want to start trying for a family someday must really hurt you both.

 

I would just be very careful on how you approach the subject when/if you want to. Try not to make it all negative and about him/things being his “Fault”. Something along the lines of  “you know how much I love you, and how attracted I am to you, and how I love when we have really great sex/private time/ etc  and i want more of that, because you have always been so great at _________”. Put a positive spin on things so he doens’t feel belittled. Talk to him about how one day you want to be a mom and how amazing of a dad you know he would be, and that you want to start this journey together on the best and healthiest foot possible, and that you think you should both go into see a doctor for routine tests so that when you are ready any medical issues have been addressed. He might feel better if you say that you want to get some baseline testing done (bloodwork) as well so it’s not all on “him” to succeed at starting to TTC.

 

I think if he’s willing to do the treatment, take it one day at a time and keep reminding him of how proud you are for taking such a big step and that you are so thankful that he has done this for not only himself, but you, your marriage. Be patient if things don’t happen right away. Don’t fear that it won’t work – it will only lead to more stress for both of you, and possibly impede any help or progess. A lot of ED can be manifested in their head (on top of medical issues) and the more pressure you both put on yourselves, the more likely that ED will continue.

 

Question. If you really wanted some “intimate” time, would he be willing to do things like oral sex? Manual stimilation? Toys? This could be something to keep the connection until there comes a time where he might be more ready to have “regular” sex. Is this something he would be willing to do for you, or do you think his drive is so low that this would be a “no go” for him? Often, these things that he’d do just for you (sort to speak) would likely end up turnign him on… which, is always good. 🙂 🙂

 

I’m sorry you are going through this. Hang tight and keep a positive outlook on his treatment, I really do hope it gets better. 🙂

 

Post # 4
Member
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@StaceyA:  What amazing and thorough advice!!! I don’t have much more to add.

@temporary:  Hugs to you! I hope that when he sees the doctor this time, he will decide to begin with treatment. In the meantime, have you thought about seeing someone on your own to talk about your fears etc that you may not want to share with your husband?

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@StaceyA:  I don’t have much to add – you stole all my words 🙂

@AstoriaK:  I also want to give you a big old +1, but I do think it’s important for the OP to have an outlet to discuss her feelings. It is the husband’s issue, but it impacts both of them.

Post # 10
Member
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@temporary:  No, you don’t have to tell your husband if you don’t want to! If I were in this situation, I’m not sure if I would tell him at first because I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty regarding the issue when in reality in many ways it is not his fault that this is happening. Possibly the person that you see will be able to help you to talk to your DH about this in a constructive way! And I think it’s really important for you to have an outlet to talk about your emotions in a safe space.

Post # 11
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@temporary:  Is this the guy who kept texting his friend all the time?  Did you guys ever deal with that?

Post # 14
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@temporary:  I’m really glad to hear that that’s settled!  To be really forward, what happens if you give your guy a blow job?  Does he push you away?  

There was a thread where a girl told her fiance he wasn’t good enough for her (UGH) and there was a lot of advice on how to get a guy excited when he wasn’t responding well…I’ll try to find it.  I know that won’t be the end to all the issues, but it might help!

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