please help me with my bm :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what should i do?
    keep her - and ignore her : (13 votes)
    38 %
    keep her - but tell her everything - which may result in a huge fall out : (12 votes)
    35 %
    tell her everything and ask her to step down : (7 votes)
    21 %
    other option - please explain : (2 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    351 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Tell her that her constant criticism of your wedding plans is hurting your feelings. Then make a decision based on her response.

    That said, I am not a fan of kicking people out of the wedding party. I’ve known people who did it, and they all seemed to have gone crazy. They lost friends in the process and made their weddings dramatic and unpleasant by “firing” their friends.

    But if she’s upsetting the other girls, maybe removing her from the bridal party will actually reduce drama?

    Post # 4
    Member
    478 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Ha! Certain comments you said above sounds like one of mine! (Regarding the dress not fitting her right, price of MY whole wedding being so much and why waste it on one day, etc)

    It is frustrating. My BM has even made comments about my ring I didn’t like. But I would just say nicely to her “It’s my wedding, my choices” and ask her to be a little more respectful. Just tell her some of her comments make you feel bad and ask her to keep some things to herself. I get expressing your concerns but she is taking it a little too far, after all, it isn’t her wedding.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2565 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I can understand some of her concern about the hen party, if it is weekend trip that she is expected to be a new outfit for that is a little much.  Especially with her not being able to pay for hair and makeup and doing it herself she may not have funds available right now to be spending on your wedding.

    The food thing again is not a huge deal, no matter what you spend on food there is always a chance someone won’t want to/can’t eat it.

    Her nitpicking other things, especially ones she is not required to pay for like her attire, she just needs to shut up and get over it.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7281 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    I would talk to her and give her feedback about how her comments are negatively affecting you. Give her a chance to make a change for the better and she may just surprise you. I would also try to dig a bit deeper. maybe she has some underlying issues that are causing her to view everything in a negative light? That said, if she decides to keep behaving in a way that she knows is causing you to be upset, then you have to ask yourself whether this friendship is good for you and your future. Good luck!

    Post # 8
    Member
    2696 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @DansGirl:  Stop torturing yourself and ask her to step down and just come as a guest citing all of the “concerns” (complaints) she has. Can’t you see she doesn’t want to be involved? Put her out of her misery.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    3538 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Did she have a big wedding when she got married?  Just asking because I was in a similar situation with a BM. 

    My BM gave herself 3 months to plan her wedding and I helped her as much as I could.  About 1 month out, it got too stressful for her and she and her DH cancelled their wedding, and went to the courthouse and got married instead.

    Throughout my whole wedding planning, she didn’t criticize my decisions like your BM seems to be doing, but all I heard from her was “how jealous she was that I was having a wedding and a honeymoon” and how she wished they had stuck with their original plans.  She didn’t get to have a shower, or a bachelorette party either because she cancelled everything having to do with her wedding.

    During my bachelorette weekend, there was a lot of drama involving her.  Afterwards, we went to dinner and discussed everything and after we had a talk, everything got much better. 

    My advice is to sit down with her and tell her how this is making you feel.  I wouldn’t tell her that you are thinking about booting her fromt he BP, but just be honest and tell her that her comments are hurting your feelings.  Judge by her reaction as to whether or not you feel you can keep her in the BP or kick her out. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2565 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @DansGirl:  I still don’t think it’s horrible she said she won’t eat the food.  If she really means it, just don’t count her in the total for the caterer.  She knows what the food is ahead of time and knows she and her husband won’t eat it and told you so.  The majority of your guests won’t know what the food is until they get there and may not eat it, and you may have no shows you paid for their plate that goes to waste.  It happens.

    FI and I both have picky eaters in our families, but that won’t dictate what we serve so there will likely be a couple people that don’t eat all of the food and money is “wasted” per se but that’s pretty much standard.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1749 posts
    Bumble bee

    I don’t think these are small, silly things.

    If I was you, I would drop her as a bridesmaid. When someone starts moaning and groaning so much about their part in a wedding, they just don’t need to be in it. 

    She may be your friend, but I don’t think she’s worth the headache. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    4760 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Other:

    I say don’t tell her everything but ask her to step down.  I can’t see this relationship continuing after the wedding since you will be mad pissed at her so there is no point in dragging it along and putting a damper on your festivities.  Cut the chord, bye bye!  

    But you don’t need to tell her all the reasons you are mad, just say “I don’t see why you should be part of my wedding anymore.”

    Post # 13
    Member
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @DansGirl:  just beacuse she has been your friend for 20 years does not mean she will always be your friend. people change they grow up and grow in different dirrections. its ok to fall out of a friendship its not easy and thats probably why there is so much fighting between you both, you are trying to fight for it to stay but its not looking that way… if shes still on good terms i would talk to her and if all else fails just let her be in the wedding and let the friendship die…your best friend of so many years was in your wedding and ….shit happens….sorry im going through the same thing with my friend of 13 years ..we both work 2 jobs we hardly talk its hard…good luck!

    Post # 15
    Member
    4760 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    she eloped in march for a triple wedding with her mom and now step-dad and his daughter and her now husband. they had a party when they got back which i couldnt go to because i was on holiday at the time 🙁

    OMG That sounds so wierd, kinda creepy too.

    Post # 16
    Member
    729 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Be honest with her, and see what she says. I wouldn’t be rude about it, but don’t pull any punches either. Let her know that her complaints are uncalled for, and you would appreciate her support, since she is in your wedding party. (If she is hoping you’ll kick her out, you dropping that on her may give her the opening she needs to step down on her own.)

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