(Closed) Please help! Serious matter.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You have done the right thing in trying to get him help—hopefully a professional will give him the tools that he needs to deal with his problems—this isn’t your problem!

 

Post # 4
Member
45386 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Besides being a pathological liar, he is a manipulator. He is trying to guilt you into staying with him.

Do you really need your daughter exposed to this?

Post # 5
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Kalyng:  Wow, I’m sorry, that is rough. I’m sorry you are being put through this. 

In high school when I was 15 I had an ex threaten suicide after we broke up. A friend went to check on him, and found out he had overdosed on sleeping pills and called me. I freaked out and put my dad on the phone because he is an ER doctor. Well, turns out that he over dosed on benadryl so he wasn’t in too much danger. After that episode I cut him from my life, as it’s not fair to me to have someone put that type of responsibility on me. Eventually we just stopped speaking, and it seems like after years of working low paying jobs and drinking he finally got himself together. Good for him, but I still have no interest in speaking to him ever again. 

Anyways, I know the situation is way, way different than a silly high school fling. But the underlying truth is the same – you need to put boundaries up for yourself and your daughter. You do deserve better, and you can’t be responsible for his behavior. You can support him as the father of your child, but make it clear that in your communications with him that he is an adult, and he needs to act like one for the sake of your child. He has a responsibility to her for being a better person, because she deserves much more than a “piggy bank” from her dad. His behavior is selfish, and while you will support him getting help you will not be blackmailed into an unhealthy relationship. Either way you can not control what he does, that is his choice alone. You can just choose how you will respond to it. 

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Kalyng:  

You need to do what’s best for you and your daughter, and I suspect that’s not caving in to emotional blackmail, which is exactly what calling your ex and threatening suicide is. If you let him use this tool to manipulate you back into his life, if he thinks you’ll get back together with him, or you won’t leave him, he’s going to keep doing it. 

If he calls you threatening suicide, call the police and let them handle it. They’ll go talk to him, they might even pick him up and have him committed for observation. It’s hard to let go, especially when it’s someone you’ve cared about for a really long time, but there is nothing you can do to save him if he decides to hurt himself.

It’s not your fault. 

Post # 7
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It is not your job to fix him. I think the best thing you could do for you and your daughter is to cut off contact with him. It will be hard at first, but some distance from this situation will help make if clear to you in time.  If he does call and threaten suicide, then you call the police and that’s all you can do. Please do not let him manipulate you any further.

Post # 8
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Also, I want to say that this situation is very familiar to me. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I know exactly how conflicting these feelings can be. If you need advice or support, feel free to PM me. Leaving an abusive relationship is THE BEST thing you can do for you and your daughter.

Post # 9
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

The best advice a dear friend told me was to have him attend AA and you attend Al Anon, research those programs. I will keep you in my prayers. Please research these programs and just try it, I can’t explain how much this was an impact. Take it one day at a time!! much <3 from a fellow WB

 

Post # 10
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

If he is truly a pathological liar, odds are good he’s an adept manipulator as well, your post, while frightening is a sterling example of how hard a person will try to get what they want, in his case attention from you…this doesn’t mean that you have to ignore him, you can care about someone very much and still maintain healthy boundaries.  After things settle down, I would tell him firmly that you care about him and want him in your life however the romantic chapter of your relationship together has ended, and that if he tells you again about planning to hurt or kill himself, you will call the authorities to ensure his safety.

Post # 11
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Kalyng:  I agree with PP. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. Next time, send him the number of the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 and call the police.

Let them handle it.

Post # 12
Member
1964 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You did the right thing by ignoring his mom and taking threats of suicide seriously! You ex FI is being manipulative. Threats of suicide that start with “if you don’t…then I will” are manipulation, however that does not bean that the person is not truly thinking of suicide. You need to set firm boundaries with him, an ensure that yourself and all other supports in his life make the same response to his threats. (Although if you are the only one he is manipulating this only applies to you) this may include expressing concern for his safety and letting him know the police are on their way, or whatever response you think will be most effective. And stick to it! The moment you respond differently you are intermittently reinforcing the manipulation. You can do this! You and your daughter deserve a better life than that!

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