Post # 1
I just started using this website, and it has been VERY helpful in so many ways already.
I need help. I am the groom, and I am doing most of the wedding planning. I know this may sound very irregular, but I enjoy planning things, and I’ve always thought I had a talent for it. The other reason is that my fiancee would prefer not to do most of the planning and doesn’t feel she has the ability.
So, here’s my question. How can I get her move involved? For example, it feels like I tell her the same thing several times about our invitations, but she keeps saying that she doesn’t understand. And when I finally provide some rough drafts of designs, she never has a strong opinion of whether she likes it or not. It doesn’t bother me how long I spend on the design, but I really want her to give an opinion on whether she likes something or not.
I could vent on and on, but it’s becoming a little frustrating. She asks her family for more opinions on things than really giving her own opinion on anything. Please help me understand more of the bride’s perspective.
Post # 3
Wow, talk about role-reversal! My suggestion would be to give her choices in things, and tell her she has to pick one. As in, "Honey, I designed invite A and B, please pick one so I can finalize them." This way you aren’t asking for her opinion, you are gently pushing her to make an actual choice.
And perhaps you could give her small jobs? What’s her interests? If she likes music, tell her to pick the DJ. If she loves flowers, tell her to search the internet for pictures of bouquets and centerpieces she loves to show the florist. Trust me, it doesn’t sound like she’d be doing much, but in reality she’s doing a lot of legwork that will take the pressure off of you.
And welcome to the Hive! You’ll find all of us here are always more than willing to help!
Post # 4
I find the best way to deal with this situation is to just give two or three examples for them to choose from. That way your doing most of the work and decision making and she can just pick one. I have been doing this with my FI (who doesn’t really like the planning) and it seems to be working well. 🙂
Post # 5
First of all – Congratulations! and secondly – Welcome!
Wow, that does sound like you have a unique situation. I wonder if she might be feeling overwhelmed? I know when we first got engaged I had no idea what I needed to do – so I just ignored it. Until we started looking at venues and trying to set a date – then I finally realized all at once that ALL OF THESE THINGS NEEDED TO BE DONE – and spreadsheets and chaos ensued.
I would try to get a sense from her of why she is timid about giving her opinion. Is she worried about making a decision because she is trying to please others (will Mom like it? will grandma like it, and what will Aunt Betty think?) Or is she feeling uncertain about the direction of the planning but she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings since you have been working so hard at it? Perhaps you could also ask her what she feels the most important part of the day is for her (flowers, food, music, whatever) and have her tackle that project to get her into the swing of things.
Best of luck!
Post # 6
Great suggestions! Thank you! As always, you all are wonderful helpers. I will definitely try the approach of giving options and putting her in charge of smaller tasks.
And thank you for the welcoming me and encouraging me in our wedding process!
Post # 7
you are too clever to come ask us for advice! Welcome first of all!! As stated in the first 2 posts above, just give her options a b or c and tell her to pick. If she truly doesnt like any of them, she’ll say so. this is what I do with my fiancee and its worked out quite well. I also assigned to him, as mentioned above, certain tasks, such as the honeymoon. Left that completely in his hands because he loves that stuff. Task her out with seemingly little things (that turn out to be a HUGE help in the end.)
Also, when talking about the wedding in general, mention that you’re really excited for the wedding to be a reflection of the two of you and your styles, likes, personalities, etc. If she doesnt catch teh hint, then you can gently bring this back up each time she asks for another person’s opinion. ie "your mom has great taste. Do you think these flowers/seating cards/etc reflect us?" That has worked on numerous occasions for me!!
Post # 8
Welcome, jungus! Your situation sounds a lot like my sister’s. Basically, she has just passed all of the planning off to her Fi because she is just not good at it. She’s not detailed oriented or organized, and although she wants a wedding with all the bells and whistles, she has no clue how to go about planning something as big as wedding (I don’t even think she’s planned a dinner party before, much less a wedding!). So her Fi is doing all the work instead. Does this sound similar to how your Fi is? A little disorganized or maybe just doesn’t understand the amount of work it takes and how to go about doing that work?
A lot of people on here have establised "wedding night" where they plan out one night a week to talk about planning with their Fi. Would this work for you? Also, it might help to really break down bigger tasks so it’s just little smaller tasks. Your Fi might not be able to picture the whole invitation from description words, so it might help to show her two or three options (i.e. letterpress versus flat ink) and ask "which one do you like?" She might be overwhelmed or not be able to understand your vision, so shopw pictures whenever possible and remember to do everything in small steps and small decisions so she doesn’t get stressed out. Good luck and happy planning!
P.S. This isn’t Logan is it? Lol, just kidding! 🙂
Post # 9
first off Bravo! I think its awesome that you’re so into the wedding planning! As far as getting your fiance involved. Why don’t you ask things like "if you had to pick what would you use?" things like that. If she still gives you a backwards answer, try just dropping things into general conversation. When she doesn’t think it deals with the wedding she’s more likely to tell you what she really thinks. She may not want to say she doesnt like something fearing she’ll hurt your feelings.
Post # 10
I disagree that you should force her to make a choice given a set of options. It sounds like maybe she is not the type to make decisions without the input of others in her regular life? Is her behavior in the wedding planning indicative of how she is normally? And if so, how do you deal with it in your regular life? And if her behavior is just something you live with, and you tend to make the decisions and she go along with them, is she usually happy? You may want her input, but she may not be the type to give it. How involved does she want to be?
Maybe she would be happier to give input once some decisions had already been made. So instead of choosing among different invitation designs, you could pick the invite design you like best, and ask her reaction on that, if she has any suggestions or compliments. So even if she’s not the type to give her opinions, she may be able to give you her approval.
Post # 11
i had a friend in a very similar situation as well. When he couldn’t get an answer out of his fiance he would present her with a couple of choices. If she couldn’t decide between those, then he’d pick an option that he liked, get her final sign off and do it.
It ended up really cool though. He did the rehersal dinner with beer and pizza. The invitations were VERY guy (brown and simple), but beautiful… and his save the date, well, that’s where the hive might have helped him! But in his defense Save the Date was his first DIY project. He got really good by the end!
They had a beautiful wedding, and she did make the decisions that were really important to her (like the dress), but it was neat to see a groom so involved!
Post # 12
Wow, thanks everyone! Great input.
I know answering the question can be a little hard since it really depends on the type of person she is. (Mrs. Spring – No, I am not Logan.) Rest assured, I am not trying to force her to do anything, but I want to make sure that she’s happy with OUR wedding, not my plans and ideas. That would make it my wedding, and she’s just there for the ride. We already discussed that aspect together. Of course, that meant some tears on her part and lots of frustration on my part.
She has given some opinions on some things, but for the most part, she’s very easy to please and makes the best of any situation. She’s getting a little excited looking for dresses and stuff with her family and mom.
Again, thanks everyone for your input and comments. I’m hoping I learn more not only in the wedding process but our life together.
You guys rock!