Post # 1
I have a bit of an issue, please bear with me while I explain as it’s a little complicated.
Fiance and I moved to Toronto from Australia for work opportunities, we work in a field where there aren’t many jobs where I’m from back home. We have been here for over 3 years and I am ready to go home. I have been ready for awhile (at least a year) but I’m being patient as Fiance is doing so well career wise.
Sidepiece of info, I’m 33 and Fiance is turning 30. My clock is ticking…loudly
We had got engaged last Christmas 2011 and discussed and planned even before then that we would move home in Feb 2013. I have been seriously counting the days. The plan was to get married sometime around May/June 2013 then try to have babies. I will be 34 at this stage and I’m getting worried I am leaving it too late to have kids.
Now as I said Fiance is doing amazing at work. He has had numerous pay increases and a few promotions and they just told him the other day that they are giving him a big promotion in January next year. Amazing news for him (and us) but this completely throws our plans.
I really want to go home for many reasons but the big one is that I’m worried if I leave having kids for too long then we won’t be able to have any I have a massive fear of this as I was told for years that I couldn’t have kids, so the fear is deep. Yes I have charted and everything is ok, I’m just scared. I also hate the idea of having a baby here in Toronto. I don’t have a great support network or any family and we live in a One-bedroom apartment.
I should also mention that when we move home to Australia it wont be to my home town, it will be to a whole new city so I will need time to find a job, house + new friends on top of wedding before even trying for a baby.
I feel like my clock is ticking and my need to go home is overtaking FI’s great opportunity. I can see this opportunity is giving him amazing confidence and know that it is important for him and our future. But I’m scared I won’t be able to have kids if I leave it much longer.
Ugh I am overwhelmed and feel totally out of control.
What would you do??
Post # 3
To me, the best solution sounds like having a baby in Toronto. It isn’t an ideal solution, but I think it addresses the most important needs. Maybe you and Fiance need to sit down and make a list of what you want an prioritize it. Like make the list, and then put a number next to each item. You can’t always have it all. It might look something like:
1. Start a family
2. Have good jobs/stable career
3. Move back to Australia
Or maybe you’ll discuss it and it will really look something like:
1. Move to Australia
2. Start a family
3. Move back home
I just feel like both moving back AND starting a family at the same time is fulfilling all of your needs but not your FI’s, especially if it is difficult to get a job in Australia.
Babies don’t need much room. I’m not even a baby person, don’t know if I want kids, but what I do know is if you want them – don’t delay. The baby will fit into your life one way or another, no matter where you live. You don’t have unlimited time to have a baby. You do have unlimited time to move home or make career moves. So I’d put that at the top. JMO.
Post # 4
@FauxBoho: this seems like an easy answer to me; have the baby in Toronto. That is waht I would do! I totally agree with the PP above
Post # 5
What about having the baby in Toronto then moving to Australia a year or two later?
Post # 6
@FauxBoho: I also vote have the baby in Toronto. Your hesitation is that you don’t have your family/the support system, but if you move to Australia, you’ll still be very far away and will rebuilding the support system (if I read correctly).
It sounds like you have been in Toronto for more than a year, you haven’t found anyone to connect with? I’m sure that if you do decide to have a child while there, there are a lot of support groups around (like meetup.com) where you can meet people with similar interests.
Having a baby now will not impede your ability to move in the future, but waiting to move to have the baby could reduce your ability.
Post # 7
That seems doable except for the fact that I have no support here and would like to be married.
I have been done with Toronto for a long time now so the idea of having a child here makes me sad. Not being around my Mum, sister & friends while PG makes me feel like I’m going to miss out on a really special time with them. I think being on Materinity leave here will be depressing. I think staying here makes sense money wise but not for any other reason. I also feel like I’m being selfish and should just suck it up 🙁
Post # 8
@kmarie719: I have friends but they are nothing like my friends from home.
I feel like I will also miss out on having a lovely wedding, honeymoon, setting up a babies room etc. All superfluous issues in the scheme of things but still things I will be missing out on.
Post # 9
i agree with the rest of the posters so far. if you were 25 my advice would be TOTALLY different. but you are 33 and the 30s are a time where reproductive potential is changing fast for women.
I would get married in May/June like you have planned, and have the baby in Toronto. You could even start trying to conceive a few months before your wedding, like in March because even if you got preg right away, you wouldn’t be showing at ~12 weeks.
of course it is far more ideal to be closer to family. But especially if you might want to stay home, and if your Fiance is financially secure, it probably wouldn’t matter THAT much to be so far away (besides the emotional fact that they wouldn’t be around for support!). My working mom friends are the ones I see struggling most and needing their families the most, but I know stay at home moms who are very far from their fams and seem to be able to manage it better. if a Stay-At-Home Mom, you’ll probably join mommy groups, etc and find friends who are in the same situation.
Post # 10
I’m not telling you what to do, but you asked what we would do. I would have the baby in Toronto if I was as worried as you seem to be about getting pregnant.
You said you have lived in Toronto for 3 years. Surely you have made friends in that period of time who could be your support system? If not, time to start. You have at least 9 months.
I know you are living thousands of miles from home from home and that is different from my experience, so my experience does not compare to yours. In my first marriage my ex-husband was transferred every 12 months so I never lived close to family- his or mine. There are women all over the world who deliver and raise children without family nearby- just look at military wives for an example.
Post # 11
@NAvery: Thanks for your comments. I wanted to say that baby, moving home etc are all very important to Fiance too. He really wants to go home but is worried he won’t get another opportunity at work like this one.
He will easily get a great job back home so I sort of feel like we should go home now and start working in new jobs so we can build our careers (and family) back home.
Post # 12
I’d have the baby in Canada and then set a timeline for moving home. You have a one year maternity leave in Canada, right? I’d start positioning yourself for an eventual move now but have the baby somewhere in that timeline.
I feel for you. We are the same age and my fiance and I are trying to figure out the baby thing right now. It’s looking like we might start trying in 2014 right before I turn 35, and becasue of our ages & how long it took for me to complete my education (JD/MBA), I think we are only in a position to have 1 baby.
Post # 13
@FauxBoho: If he really will easily get a great job back home, and he wants to go but is just scared of giving up this opportunity – then go! I think I was confused because you said there wouldn’t be many jobs in your field, but I realized you are talking about different areas, right?
If both of your ultimate goal is to live in Australia, then I’d say you should go back. But be prepared that Fiance might not feel comfortable starting trying for a baby if he doesn’t have good work locked in yet or is still the new guy at the office. My experience is guys like to feel like they are stable and can provide before having a baby.
Post # 14
I’d also have the baby in Toronto. I know that it sucks, I’m planning to move away from my family to start my life in a place I want to live and I will be leaving my support system at a time where I’m planning to get married and have babies. But, I think it’s the best option for you. Perhaps you can move into a 2bdrm apt in the meantime, especially if FI’s promotion means a raise. You’ll skype a lot with your family and hopefully when you have a 2nd child, you’ll be back home.
Post # 15
it sounds like your fi has a great opportunity in toronto. i would offer that to him and start your family in toronto. in a few years, you can move back to austrailia. perhaps before your child starts school.
you need to do what is best for both of you.
Post # 16
@hellorebecca: the May/June timeframe was when we were going home to Australia in Jan next year. I don’t want to get married in Toronto and am not sure we have the time to organize a wedding and fly home by May/June next year.
@julies1949: I have made friends, quite a few friends but Canadians are different than Australians (and Kiwis, Irish, English etc) I like them but don’t have a whole lot in common with them. Perhaps my homesickness is in the way of making really solid friends. I knew I was going home so why invest in deep friendships. Does that make sense?