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My wedding is a destination wedding in Maui next summer. I waited nine long years for the ring and I'm finally happy I get to to have a celebration of me(I have witnessed several friends get married.)
So his sister (who got married seven years before me even though we started dating at the same time) is the youngest and first grandkid to be pregnant. She's due in April and wants to bring the baby in August.
Now I just know that all of the attention will be focused on her. I'm sorry, but n othing competes with a new baby. I feel like our marriage will be old news. Not only that, but I don't want babies or toddlers at our wedding. I made that perfectly clear before she got pregnant. What do I do? Can I really tell his sister with a newborn that she can't bring it??
I'm sorry, but you can't tell someone not to get pregnant. It's a major life changing event, just like a wedding. At 3 months old, the baby should be asleep most of the time and will not cause a fuss during the ceremony. I think it's unfair to suggest that your FI's sister stay home because you don't want any kids at the wedding. It's not like you can reasonably leave a 3-4 month old baby at home with a babysitter for several day.
Well....you can do whatever you want as long as you're willing to accept the consequences. Can you ask a mother to leave her newborn at home while she leaves the state? Frankly no.
On a scale of things to be worried about, honestly I think this is pretty small. Welcome the new addition, wish him or her well, and continue with your planning with the assumption that the little one will be there, most likely sleeping.
I understand your frustration, but you can't expect her to leave her newborn @ home for a DW. So her options would be bring the baby & upset you or not come at all. Wouldn't you rather have ALL of your loved ones?
I'm sorry, but I'm a little shocked at these comments. I always have a hard time when people tell me what shouldn't be a big deal to me. I have been planning this day for a long time. I don't care for babies and I didn't ask her to get pregnant. Why can't she leave it at home? His parents live near her and they can watch it.
A random baby isn't a big deal, but a three month old at my destination wedding of the groom's sister is.
With it being a destination wedding, I don't see how she would not bring her newborn. However, I do completely understand where you are coming from. I have a BM who will be having her baby a few months before my wedding. I'm hoping that I can find a way around her bringing her baby without sounding rude. I don't want children/babies either. Luckily, the wedding is local and there are plenty who will be able to babysit. Sorry that you are frustrated, fiji_girl.
I really don't think ALL the attention will be on her and the baby, relax! It's still your day to shine! And like the others have said, the 3mos. old will probably sleep through the entire event, so don't worry about he/she interrupting the ceremony or anything. I'm sure your FH wants his sister and new nephew/niece there, right? I think you're overreacting just a wee bit, lol, and I bet you things will still work out to give you your amazing wedding!
"am I selfish/overreacting???"
Yes.
...sorry, but you did ask. People have tried to help put it in perspective. If you just wanted people to agree with you, perhaps you should have phrased it differently. Also, you keep referencing how long you waited and how she got married first and you want a day about you and the attention will be on the baby -- I think your concern is more that enough people won't be fawning on you and less about a baby in general. There are ongoing debates about children at weddings, and I personally am not a big fan. I think that since you made it clear up front that no children are invited, it should be left up to the couple to come without the baby and find suitable accommodations or to not come at all. Why can't they bring the baby to the destination and find a hotel affiliate/qualified babysitter for during your events? You make it sound like this baby can't come near the island at all or you'll be unhappy.
Wow.. Sometimes our emotions keep us from thinking rationally.. Here it is:
She can't leave her three month old baby for days at the time because
1) it needs to be fed and the babie's food is in the mom's breasts.
2) a mother to a newborn will not want to be separated from her child for that long.
So, maybe you're upset about this, but you will need to come to terms with it, or ask her not to come, which would really risk making relationships difficult with your new family - and the blame would be put on you.
You said that you already made it clear that children were not invited to the event. Since you've said it, that's ideally the way it should be. I don't know if you can expect a new mom to leave her child in a different state, but is it possible to find a qualified babysitter on the island? If it is really important to you, I'd express this to your fiance and have him talk it through with you, your sister-in-law and brother-in-law.
Yes plain and simple -you are being selfish.
How you feel and what would you do if the roles were reversed? It's a baby, not like she is planning a wedding for the same place, date & time.
@fiji_girl: Presumably, then, you would want the groom's parents to skip your wedding to babysit?
Were they already planning on not coming?
More to the point, you want the groom's closest living relative to stay away because you're worried about a baby?
I don't mean to seem harsh, but to answer the question of..." Am I being selfish/overreacting"? The answer is YES. Honestly, I can't imagine a mother leaving her NEWBORN behind for several days with family or friends and even LESS leave their child with a "qualified sitter" on the island. Wow! I wouldn't advocate leaving a young child with a perfect stranger on an island... I don't care what their background is. Don't give it to much thought, I'm sure the little one will not take away from you and your groom.
Um, yeah, you are. Sorry. You are seriously worried about a baby taking the attention off you? Wow.
Also, it's the wedding and celebration of you AND YOUR FIANCE, not just you. Wanted to throw that in there. A wedding takes two people.
"Why can't she leave it at home? His parents live near her and they can watch it."
First of all, it's not an "it" it's a newborn baby, and it's going to be your niece or nephew. You can't ask 1) a first time mom and 2) a mom of a child that young to be separated for a few days, and I'm sorry, I wouldn't trust my newborn to a resort "babysitter" in a state that might as well be another country from me.
We are having a no kids wedding, however, we have made an exception for nursing children. You just can't cut a mom and infant from each other like that.
So, yes, you are overreacting and being selfish. If it's a destination wedding the "fawning" will be the first few hrs, not the entire event week or on your wedding day. I can't believe you would want to not invite his sister and her husband or separate them from a newborn.
:( I know you didn't want children, which is a perfectly acceptable request generally, but it's so much harder when it's a destination wedding. These people aren't just popping over to Fiji in one night and they can't be home by eight. Their baby will need them! Excuse my lack of childcare knowledge, but even I know infants have needs! They need their parents, and they'll need their mother's milk, and the parents aren't going to ditch their newborn to fly to Fiji.
Destination weddings just aren't a great set-up to not allow children. Sucky truth.
I don't know if this was said but you make the comment that you've been waiting for this day for a long time. She's probably been waiting for her child for a long time. One of my friends will have a younger newborn (maybe 3-4 weeks old) at my wedding and I've thought about the attention thing. But i know it will be wonderful and I would never ask her to leave her baby and I already told her that. I also didn't ask my friend to get pregnant but I don't fault her for it at all because her life won't stop for my wedding and she's still set on coming. Also, I find it strange actually that you don't want kids but you'd prefer a baby of a random guest than your soon to be niece/nephew. I'm incredibly excited to see pictures of myself with my soon to be nephew (he'll be 8 months old). That's just my opinion though.
You know what, I'm kind of sick of weddingbee. You all have super self righteous attitudes, and in reality you have no idea of my background or my situation- so nevermind. Why would I even ask you guys?
I think it's hilarious that you all say that babies aren't the center of attention. I just went to a wedding last week with a newborn and I can't tell you how much( it ) was the cetner of attention. Everything I hate baby talk, oohing and aahing. It was sooo annoying and I am having a small wedding. I am not a baby person and everyone I know knows that.
And how DARE you KLP2010 insinuate that I was trying to objectify my future niece or nephew. I don't know the sex yet and it's easier than typing "the baby" You should be ashamed of yourself.
I'm sorry, but I'm a little shocked at these comments. I always have a hard time when people tell me what shouldn't be a big deal to me. I have been planning this day for a long time. I don't care for babies and I didn't ask her to get pregnant. Why can't she leave it at home? His parents live near her and they can watch it.
A random baby isn't a big deal, but a three month old at my destination wedding of the groom's sister is.
You can't be serious. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but this last post was just too much. If you have a hard time when people tell you what shouldn't be a big deal to you, why start a thread asking if you're overreacting to something? I'm sorry, but you are completely overreacting. You actually told someone before they got pregnant that you didn't want kids at your wedding? Did you really expect someone to put off their pregnancy for your wedding? For one day? Seriously? It's not her fault you had to wait nine years for your ring. It's not her fault she got married before you. It's not her fault you chose to have your wedding in another state, thereby creating a situation wherin no new mom would feel comfortable leaving her newborn at home. It's not her fault you chose to have your wedding two months after her due-date.
This wedding isn't all about you. It's about you and your FI and both of your families, uniting as one. To exclude your FI's sister because you're afraid everyone won't pay enough attention to you is selfish to the extreme.
You asked a question, and people answered with their opinions... What were you hoping for? What you want is not reasonable, people won't tell you it is just to make you feel better about it.
@fiji_girl: I don't want kids at my wedding either, but there is a practical side to life, and you really can't just go globe-trotting when you have a newborn. I think that's all everyone is trying to say here.
I'm sorry if this is harsh but I've seen it a lot lately on the boards. You asked for opinions on what others thought of the situation and you got honest opinions. She should not have to work starting a family around your wedding just like you wouldn't work your wedding around her baby.
@fiji_girl: LOL! Then why are you asking?! You ask a question on the internet & get pissed when people don't agree w/ you. You are being selfish. You cannot expect a mother to leave her newborn at home...period.
You don't know the whole story lezlers. But I'm not going to bother to tell it because this is my last post. I'm moving on and never giong to look at this site again.
You asked a question and received honest feedback. If you had already made up your mind, why did you ask your question? And as for saying "in reality you have no idea of my background or situation" - yes, that's true. However, you decided what information to tell us to answer your question based on.
@lezlers:I couldn't have said it better... Somehow I often think the same things as you...
Bye Fiji girl.
You obviously had to know the outcome. I think its a pretty silly question that you asked. Did you think that EVERYONE was going to side with you?
PFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ASKED THE QUESTION.....YOU ASKED FOR OPINIONS SO THEREFORE WE GAVE IT TO YOU.
Do you need me to paste the definition for you?
@blingybride: The baby would be about three months old by then. The parents would, presumably, need to find a qualified sitter so they could return to work anyway. They wouldn't be at the wedding for an 8-hour work day. The suggestion didn't seem unreasonable to me. But my point was, fiji_girl needs to talk to her fiance and his family about her concerns.
I think you are overreacting. Yes, people will pay attention to the baby, but they are there for your wedding, not to see the baby. Keep that in mind - and, no - the baby can't 'not' come!!
You don't know the whole story lezlers. But I'm not going to bother to tell it because this is my last post. I'm moving on and never giong to look at this site again.
Takin' your ball and going home, huh? Very mature.
Sorry you didn't get the validation you were looking for...
We had a three month old at my wedding. I don't even have him in any photos, he was such a non-issue. He slept the whole time.
Also...you said that your FI's parents could watch the baby? Does that mean that you would be uninviting your FI's parents just so your FSIL could attend? I have no idea how that would work out...it seems like everyone who would matter to him would be attending the wedding and couldn't be watching the baby.
I think you should really put some thought into this (and you may change your mind after the baby is born...). Making it such a huge issue now, you may feel sheepish later. Nursing newborns need to be near their mom. And uninviting someone because she is bringing her newborn (especially if it's your FI's sibling) is kinda wrong in a big way.
A baby will not take your day away...You should be happy for your future sister in law, just as happy as she probably is for you marrying her brother.
The opinions of random strangers on the internet aren't going to affect your life in the slightest, and you are welcome to ignore us. But the posters are actually trying to help you since it is better that you have a problem with us than your husband's family.
I can assure you that your husband's entire family will react with horror if you ask your SIL not to bring her newborn to your destination wedding in Fiji. We lost a friendship after asking parents to not bring children to our wedding. Our guests were only commuting from NJ to NYC, and we hired babysitters to stay in a room next to our wedding reception so the parents could check on their children nearby. We would not have asked parents to leave their children at home if we didn't have a local wedding.
The only thing you can do (since it is really unlikely that your SIL will leave a newborn with a random sitter in Fiji) is offer to pay for the expenses to have one of your SIL's friends fly to the wedding and babysit for a few hours in exchange for a free vacation for the rest of the trip. That would be outrageously expensive, but your other choices are to permanently damage your relationship with your in-laws if you prohibit your niece or nephew or allow the child to attend. Only you can decide which option is best for you and your future husband.
It is also possible that your SIL will decline the invitation, since many parents of 3 month olds won't be willing to fly all the way to Fiji for a wedding, even a family wedding.
Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selfish
Overreaction - an excessive reaction; a reaction with inappropriate emotional behavior
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
According to the definitions, you are being selfish, but you have not posted enough information about how you handeled your emotions in this situation to say if you overreacted.
You know what? I think we don't know the whole story. Something tells me that this is more about the OP's relationship with her FSIL than the baby, there were just too many unnecessary comments about her FSIL getting married before her and daring to get pregnant when she was planning her wedding in her first post.
Jealousy issues + extreme immaturity = over the top bridezilla behavior.
@fiji_girl: Not sure why you would ask opinions on a public forum if you only want to get the answer you want. If you ask "Am I being selfish?" you had better be prepared to hear "YES!"
However, if you were REALLY looking for a solution here's one:
See if the sister can bring a nanny for the baby. That way she has someone to help out so she can enjoy the destination but also there will be someone to watch the baby during the wedding/reception.
I'm assuming you'll be at a resort so if the baby is with a nanny they'll never be far away so the sister can slip out to check up on them if needed but the baby won't be there to cause a disturbance.
This is the most hideous thing I have ever read on this site. I feel bad for the fiance and his family.
Selfish much?
I can understand you feeling as though you don't want someone to steal your thunder(no matter how big or small.) Here is something that you should really keep in mind.
THE PEOPLE THAT ARE ATTENDING YOUR WEDDING ARE GOING FOR THAT EXACT REASON... FOR YOUR WEDDING. THE WHOLE PURPOSE FOR THEM BEING THERE IS FOR YOU AND THE GROOM--NOT to see a baby. Yes people will look at the baby, talk about how big he/she has grown yadda yadda...but they will also talk about how beautiful you look, and how nice the ceremony was, and how great it is you are having a detination wedding that they will remember for years and years. The reason they are there is for you..You are the whole reason why the family will be all together.
As a bride you should be beautiful inside and out- and with that said...jealousy over an innocent little baby that has NO say over where he/she will be on August 15th, 2011 is a little far fetched. People don't go to weddings to fawn over babies. They go to support the bride and groom, meet with friends and family and celebrate the love you share. Don't make a mountain over a mole hill. Approaching the family over a baby is potential disaster.
Plus.. If it makes you feel any better-You'll look the best you've ever been in your life and you sister inlaw will be tired, run down and still carrying baby weight:-)
Fiji, you asked the question so should expect responses you might not like.
Yes, you are being incredibly selfish and self absorbed. The statement you made, "I'm finally happy I get to to have a celebration of me" really made me shudder. It's a celebration of your RELATIONSHIP and your FI might think it is important to have his baby sister there. Did you even bother to ask?
Then you said "I made that perfectly clear before she got pregnant." Um...are you really that self-absorbed that you really think YOU would be a deciding factor into whether or not someone brings a child into the world?
The final straw was when you said "I'm sorry, but n othing competes with a new baby. I feel like our marriage will be old news." Wow. And yo ureally have to ask if you are being selfish, that you would hold it against a baby and be pouting because she might get some attention?
I don't want kids at my wedding, either, but your reasoning doesn't show much maturity, caring of family, or actual caring of anyone but yourself. I don't want kids at my wedding because I don't want them disturbing others, not because I am jealous that they might get some attention.
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