Please.. I need some help :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
3955 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Claire324:   Please be kind to yourself, you are going through a rough time.  *hugs*  Maybe taking a bit of time to yourself to heal emotionally would be a good thing right now.  Reconnect with yourself and then see where you want to be in terms of a partner.   More hugs, take care.  

Post # 5
Member
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You are not a horrible person. 

Youre going through a difficult time with many, many emotions. Taking a night to hang out with a friend was a smart decision. Ypur ex strung you along, then couldn’t even commit to plans for the night….

I think it sounds like you and the old friend had a slightly intoxicated peck. It feels like cheating but don’t beat yourself up over it. You need to focus on you right now.

Hamg in there….it will get better.

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

What you have had with your BF/ex has not been good for some time. You have been very unhappy, the two of you have been fighting, and you have not been getting what you want from the relationship. You have moved out, and yet you continue to fight.

Your emotions have been in turmoil. You went out with a friend, had quite a few drinks,  met another friend and ended up with a small kiss as you parted company. You didn’t instigate the kiss, and it didn’t proceed to anything else. I don’t think it’s cheating.

Give yourself a break. Tell the BF it’s over, once and for all. Take a few weeks to catch your breath. But feel happy that you have no trouble attracting a new man when the time is right.

Post # 7
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

You’re not a horrible woman. 

Don’t beat yourself up; that doesn’t help you or anyone else. 

You and your boyfriend have clearly had a lot of issues in the relationship. I think that’s as good a sign as any that you and he are not meant to be. It’s time to let the relationship go. It’s not healthy for you or him.  

I think you should take some time for yourself. Don’t worry about relationships or men, just focus on you. Take a few weeks, or even a month or two, and just relax. Do some things that will help you get to a good place mentally and emotionally. You could exercise, read some books, listen to your favorite music, find new music, get a mani/pedi, get a massage, go to your favorite places, and go to some places you’ve never been; you could even learn something new, like cooking techniques. 

Just focus on yourself for a while. Just be single for a bit. Sometimes that’s the best medicine: being single and treating yourself well. 

Post # 8
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - parent's backyard

you were on a break! also, you feel very sure about your breakup. no regrets, now is the time to heal and seriously, don’t feel guilty about it. you’re causing yourself undue stress. give yourself permission to move on and enjoy yourself. 

but under no circumstances should you tell your ex about the kiss. it’s not necessary and he does not need to know about it. 

Post # 9
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You were and ARE broken up.  I don’t understand why you feel like you’ve done anything wrong here?

You cannot have cheated on someone that you are not with.

Absolutely do not feel guilty for having human emotions towards someone who made you feel good after so long with someone who didn’t. 

Just because your ex now feels the need to text and say that you are the one after everything you’ve been put through doesn’t mean you should feel shitty about it.  If you’re considering going back to something  that made you unhappy before, that’s your call, but I don’t think you need to look at this like you’re a bad person or that he doesn’t “deserve” you. 

Post # 11
Member
4909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

You moved out for a reason.

I agree with the PPs–this is a good time to focus on yourself rather than on men & relationships.  Healing takes time & self TLC.

Post # 13
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Be gentle on yourself, your emotions are understandably in turmoil right now.

Firstly, I think it’s great that you gave things another chance with your BF and also thoygh sad, good that you have realized it ended for a reason. Neither of you could e truly happy with a constant rollecoaster relationship of ups and downs. His proposing after an argument is in my books ‘too little, too late’ – I think he could tell you’d made the decision and didn’t want to let you go.

As for the colleague, it’s certainly not cheating! You enjoyed his company and had a nice evening, then HE kissed you. You did the right thing by staying at your friends place the night. Feeling flattered and giddy is natural given the recent events with your BF.

Going forward I think cutting all contact with your BF is important, it is too easy to fall back into old habits when you’re hurting and grieving. Also explain to the colleague (if he pursues you) that you’re in the midst of a break-up, therefore needing time to get yourself strong and to look after yourself before having another man in your life. If things are meant to go anywhere with him, they will in time.

Mostly. stop the negative self-talk and allow your mind and heart to heal. It’s a slow process, but essential for being able to find and develop a happy, healthy relationship in the future.

Post # 14
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you need to stop beating yourself up mentally and emotionally.

You and your ex “trying to figure things out” does not equal being instantly back together.  You weren’t really together, thus cheating doesn’t even come into the picture. 

The giddy happy feeling you felt when the other guy kissed you?? Hang onto that and keep that hope alive. Maybe not for him, but for another guy in the future. You are allowed to be happy about meeting new guys, you are single again!!  There is nothing bad about this at all!!  

Take some time to yourself, cut ties with your ex, and move on to a newer and better relationship than this last one. 

Post # 15
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Sure, another man kissed you, BUT it sounds like it wasn’t something you could have necessarily avoided — plus, he is the one who initiated it! Don’t blame yourself.

Also, the fact that the kiss left you feeling giddy indicates that its something you haven’t felt in a long time, and makes it seem like you are ready to have those feelings again someday — just maybe not with your current BF-ish.

Speaking of the BF-ish, one thing I HATE in a man (or woman) is pity partying. IMO, the only reason he asked you to marry him and is sooooo upset about the fight and sort-of breakup, is because you threatened to leave him. If nothing had happened and there were no fights/drama, do you think he would have still done that and said those things? I hate that he would say those things to you AFTER you made it pretty clear you wanted to end things. Sorry to say, but he is trying to reel you back in and is guilt-tripping you. HARD. My guess would be that if you take him back, things would return to the fighting/drama pretty quickly, and there would probably be no wedding anytime soon.

Anyhow, best of luck in your situation and I hope it works out for the best either way! Just remember how things were, and really consider what the dynamic of your relationship would be if you decide to accept his desperate, last-minute proposal. Follow your gut, gurl. You got this!

Post # 16
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Claire324:  I have been thinking about you since I read this post, how are you doing?  

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