Weddingbee boards

I know this is a novel, but I could really use your help and that requires some back story...

My fiancé and I went to high school together but didn’t really get to know each other until we worked together for two summers in a row. I quickly became friends with him and his two sisters, who also both worked with us. His older sister (let’s call her Lisa) and I really connected and got along great! I spent time with all three of them outside of work and often hung out at their house watching movies with them and sometimes their parents even joined in. At this time my fiancé and I were only friends and both his sisters and parents thought I was great! I had no idea I was going to develop stronger feelings for him and I also had no idea he liked me as more than a friend until he told me!

Once our summer job had ended and he went off to university we kept in touch and when he told me he was coming home for Thanksgiving I was so excited to see him! We both admitted to each other that we liked one another. He was the first and only guy I’ve been with and I was his first girlfriend (first kiss… first everything). I was so happy that we both liked each other and that his family and I got along so great! Things were wonderful! As soon as we admitted to each other how we felt, the next task was to tell everyone else and make it official… we didn’t want to sneak around for a second… we wanted to be straight up with his family about us right away. I was nervous as to how his older sister (List) was going to take it. I had no idea how she was going to react!

Well, Lisa was pretty upset because she felt betrayed. She felt as if her brother chose a girl over his own sister and her friend chose a boy over their friendship. Instead of being happy for her brother and friend because they were happy she made it all about her. She convinced herself that we were sneaking around behind her back and that I was only friends with her to get to her brother which couldn't have been further from the truth. I was friends with her, and her sister, and her brother and just because my friendship unexpectedly turned into something more with her brother didn't mean that I was using her. Lisa also believed that I wouldn't be hanging out with her anymore and that if I did it would be so I could get closer to her brother which was also incorrect. Lisa's selfishness and jealousy got the best of her and she ended up manipulating her parents into believe the worst about me.

My fiancé’s parents barely knew me and they never even gave me a chance from the start. Lisa turned everyone who was friends with me at work against me (as she was the manager at the time) and everyone began spreading gossip about me that wasn't true. I would be lying next to my fiancé as he got phone calls saying I was just spotted whoring around with numerous guys. There were even false rumours going around (probably started by Lisa herself) saying I was spreading rumours about her (that she is a lesbian and other bullshit like that)! I'm sure this was all part of her plan to keep me away from her brother.

It was like overnight I was made into this evil villain who was out to destroy their family. Lisa even had the nerve to tell my fiancé that I don't love him and that me wanting to be with him is all part of my master plan to tear their family apart (implying that I am psycho and have no life whatsoever)! As if that wasn't hurtful enough, his mother demanded that he never speaks to me and threatened him by saying that if he so much as contacts me he'll be on the street! My fiancé is a grownup and his parents threatening him didn't solve a thing... instead it made things worse!
Less than two months into our relationship my fiancé and I staged a breakup and ended up sneaking around so his family wouldn’t interfere anymore (it was getting pretty bad... there were rumours going around that I was pregnant and it wasn’t my fiancé’s baby, etc.) He was away at school and not living at home so it made it easy to hide our relationship from his family. Even though we were so happy together and my family and friends all knew we were a couple I didn’t like lying one bit!

I never wanted him to keep me a secret from his family. It made me feel horrible and my parents didn't like it either. I'm a smart, attractive, and caring person and I felt humiliated and demoralized every time he lied to his family about what he was doing/who he was with. I hated it!! I wanted to tell them myself so many times but my fiancé reminded me it wasn't my place and as much as it hurt I put up with it out of love for him. I didn’t want to lose him. I told him the longer he kept his parents in the dark the more hurt they'd be and the more it would put a strain on our relationship. He only kept it a secret because he didn't want to disappoint his family or lose them.

He regrets his actions and wishes he could gain his family’s trust back but he wasn’t the only one who handled things wrong. He tried telling his mother and she didn't want to hear it. She told him to never tell his sisters or father as it would break their heart. She told him to end things with me and that he shouldn't have a problem with that because it wasn't serious.

We ended up sneaking around for 2 and a half years. I am not sure if his parents clued in at all during that time but I think if they knew they didn’t want to admit they knew because then it would be real. When he finally told him that we were together he didn’t leave out the fact that we were also engaged (he proposed to me 9 months into our relationship and we’ve had a pretty long engagement). His parents were more upset about the fact that he had lied to them than anything (which is what I told him would be the case) and I know until this day he regrets not telling them all sooner.

His parents are somewhat trying to make an effort but they are very stubborn and once they’ve made their mind up about something (or in this case someone) it isn’t easy to change it. They have known about our relationship for about 8 months now and I am still not allowed at their house. His university graduation was a month after he told them and they didn’t even sit with me. I wasn’t allowed to put my name on any gifts to his family members for Christmas (even though his poor grandfather got me a gift and doesn’t understand what is going on). They keep going on and on about how they need time to deal with all of this. I think they are starting to see they were wrong about me. They thought I would distract him from his schooling and bring down his grades but instead I helped him study and focus on his school work. They thought I was out to get their family but I haven't attempted to wreck their family or destroy his parents’ marriage as his mom claimed. All I've ever done is supported and loved their son.

His sisters on the other hand may never come around. His younger sister told him that she used to think he was the smartest guy in the world and now she thinks he is “the biggest f*ckin’ idiot” she’s ever met. She has said that I am dead to her and that she wants nothing to do with me or any future offspring. Lisa said she will not be at the wedding or any other event if I am nearby and that she feels sorry for him. My fiancé has said that they’ve said a lot worse things about me but it upsets me too much to hear what they are. He tries to defend me all the time and tell them that they are wrong but it doesn’t do any good.

Now here is the problem (as if that wasn’t problematic enough!) All the while this is happening we have been planning our wedding. My family and friends are so excited for us and have been so supportive. My parents have helped pay for the wedding and we’ve booked everything! I mean everything! I have my dress and everything is ready to go… we are just waiting to send out the invites. Our wedding day is 8 months from now and my fiancé still hasn’t told his parents the date. He is starting to have doubts about the date and I think that is because of his family. He didn’t think that once he told them about us that they’d even talk to him… he thinks we are making progress and that it is just going to take time. He feels as if he will lose them for good and that there will be no chance for reconciliation if we throw a wedding in their face. He wants his parents at his wedding and he wants it to be a joyful event. I want this for him as well. As much as these people have hurt me I get that they are his family and I wouldn’t want my family not to be at my wedding, but at the same time I feel like postponing it to give his family more time isn’t fair to me. I am tired of making sacrifices. Why should I have to go backwards so we can all be on the same page? His parents should just catch up!

I told my fiancé to talk to his parents about the date and to see how they react before he decides he wants to change it. He hasn’t told them about the date yet, but ironically his mom started talking about weddings and our future to my fiancé today. She said that she hopes that when we get married that we have the ceremony at the Catholic Church so we won’t upset his grandfather and other catholic relatives—that his grandfather would be crushed if the wedding wasn’t in the church. She also said that they will get an equal voice in plans and picking things and that she hopes we won’t spend more than $10,000 on it.

The conversation started with his mom discussing her cousin’s daughter’s wedding that is coming up in May and how her cousin (the mother of the bride) is saying the spending on the wedding is out of control. She went on to say that why not spend money on a nice ceremony or do like some people she knows where they take a small group and do a destination wedding ceremony and save all the extra money for a down-payment on a house or for rent for an apartment. His mom went on and on about this for a half hour. She said that she wish she could do it again and do the church thing still and skip the reception and bought their home sooner. Then she was talking about how bad the economy is and how she hopes that we wait before we get married so we can have money saved and our school loans paid off so we aren’t arguing over debt. She said it wasn’t as hard when she was getting married because the economy was better then, but with it being so bad she doesn’t see how it is a good time to spend 15,000 to 20,000 dollars or more on a wedding because $20,000 is a down payment on a house.

Then she said that they would like to be involved just like my parents are and would want the time to get the funds and to also have time so they can afford to get dressed up for it too. She said that Lisa is starting to come around and would most likely attend because nothing has been going on so she is starting to warm up. The my fiancé told me that his mother wants to be involved and agrees that we have all come along way and that we have managed to stay together and stay committed over the past three and a half years. She ended the conversation by saying that his grandfather is flexible but one thing is for certain that he has seen all of them grow up in the church and although they aren’t as active that he would be devastated and hurt by the wedding not taking place in the church.

We have already booked a chapel and an officiant and decided to not have our wedding in the church. We have already paid for a lot of the wedding and have made our budget which is over $10,000… there isn’t much left for his parents to be included in and they don’t have the money to help out now so now we are in a predicament. I don’t want to change our plans but I am worried that my fiancé is going to try to please his family again. I am getting sick and tired over all of this (literally). I really need some advice :(

@imalittlebirdie:  Yes, we are both catholic and I asked him about it when we started making plans, but he didn't want to so I sorta compromised for a chapel wedding... now that it's been booked I really like the location and the officiant and everything about it.  I don't want to have to budge but I don't want to lose him either.  I am sure we could change the date and keep some of the same venues no problem and we wouldn't lose out on a whole lot of money, but the problem is we planned everything where he went to school and where we dated and live and if his mom has anything to do with the plans she will want the wedding to be in the city where we are from originally (where they live) at a specific church which is over two hours away from where everything else is booked (photographer, dj, etc.)  Why should they have a say as to when our wedding is and how much we spend and all the details, etc?  They won't even allow me at their house! :(

@sweetk:  Thank you!  I haven't really had anyone to talk to about all of this and I am starting to lose sleep over it... I just want our realtionship to be normal and it just seems like one thing after the next.  Btw, welcome to Weddingbee :)

@MrsElopement:  That's the hard part... I don't know if I can ever forgive his family or be comfortable around them but I really can't picture my life without my fiancé in it.  I don't want to regret my decision down the road.  I really can see myself getting upset over stuff with his family and asking myself if I made the right choice but if I don't marry him I know I'll always wonder what if?  I see things from both perspectives and get the whole "you marry the family" view on it but it is hard for me to know because I've never really been involved with his family at all except for before we were dating... I didn't mind his family not being a part of our life because there was less drama but it hurt me because him keeping our relationship from them made me feel excluded from his life because his family is such a big part of his life.  I feel bad for him as he is caught in the middle and has said sometimes he feels like a child in a custody battle.  This is such a huge deal and I don't want to mess my life up by making the wrong choice.

@Cornflakegirl:  Thank you.  I would really like for things to get worked out and for the show to go on as planned.  My fiancé feels as if 8 months won't be enough time for his family to come around and all they keep saying is for us to slow down and give them time to adjust :(  I have suggested before we all sit down and discuss this like mature adults but my fiancé thinks his parents will take it the wrong way (as a personal attack)... I dunno what to do!  I feel hopeless... it is a lot to turn around and I wish there was an easy quick fix.

@bookworm88:  We are thinking exactly alike about this!  Thanks for your input... now I just have to get my fiancé on the same page.

@serabell:  Thank you so much!  All very good points!

They know we are engaged they just don't know everything has been planned and booked for this year... they want us to wait a couple years.... sometimes I feel like they believe that the longer we wait to get married the better chances they have at spliting us up.

@xokaleneox:  No, the officiant isn't catholic but we were going to make it "spiritual".  I would be open to changing the ceremony venue and officiant to a church but I am not sure we could find a preist that would marry us in such a short time frame.  Thank you for your advice.  I appreciate it. :)

@MrsElopement:  Thank you... I will think about it (I am pretty shy).  I am also thinking of going to talk to someone in person about everything to figure this all out.  I feel like I have been pretty alone in all of this... my parents have been so supportive but even they are starting to get worn out over everything.

@misrusticj:  Thank you so much :)  I really can never picture them apologizing to me but I hope they do one day because I deserve it big time.

@fireNice:  Thank you for such wise advise.  You are so right about this not being about them and I feel like my fiancé forgets this or doesn't understand :(  How do I not sound selfish when reminding him about this/explaining this to him?

@Cornflakegirl:  Thank you so much.  I would like them to forgive us both and I would like to forgive them as well but it makes it very hard when they aren't sorry for their behaviour and when they (mainly his sisters now) are still saying such awful things about me.

@Mrs. Harmony:  It is crazy how much we have in common... I really do get anxious thinking about marrying into their family when I know what kind of people they are... but my fiancé sees the best in everyone and his family has never acted this way toward anyone else (which makes it harder on me) so he doesn't like it when I vent about them to him and call them mean names from time to time (when I'm pretty upset), yet I am never around to hear him tell them to cut it out about me so I sometimes feel as if he is on their side and it causes conflict between us which I hate... I want things to be normal!  I love him so much but you are right... he really needs to man up and lay down the law or else I don't know if I can marry him :'(  How do I tell him this without getting into a big argument or sounding like a total heartless bitch?

@Bellanouva:  Err I know!  He acts like I should be so happy and patient about his family coming around when I am more concerned with how things are going with us!  How to I tell him nicely to fix this?  I feel like I can't do much but give him an ultimatum which is not my style :(

@NanaluvzGeo:  I totally mentioned to my fiancé the fact that them pushing the date back is just a temporary solution to their problem (me) so they can cause more interference in the mean time!  That is so their style!  It is comforting to know I am not the only one going through a situation like this.  Have you ever gotten to the point of calling it quits?  I really think if my fiance says he is not marrying me on the date WE chose in order to please his family that I will have a hard time staying in the relationship... I didn't want it to get to this point :(

@live laugh love:  Thank you!  I am not planning on changing a thing now... everyone's advice and support on here has made me come to a decision... I am standing up for myself!  One of us has to have a back bone!  If he doesn't tell his family the date soon then there will be no date period... it sucks I have to do this and it is going to be hard either way.  I don't want to be looking at my groom as I walk down the isle wondering if he really wants to be there or not, but I don't want to lose him for good either... he needs to figure this all out.  I would like to know now if I am worth it or not... if he really loves me as much as he says he does he will be there regardless if his family shows or not.

@msfahrenheit:  Exactly!  Thanks so much :)

@esordera:  I agree and was thinking the same thing as well.

Thanks to you all I combined all of your excellent points and used them to help me write an email to fiance.  He is at work and can't talk on his phone and I really needed to get this off my chest!!  He recieved the email on his phone and sent me a reply.  I am going to post both what I wrote and his reply so I can possibly get some insight on what he means :S  (I hope you all don't mind I copied some of the things you said to me word for word!)

Dear *****,

I want to start off this letter by reminding you how much I love you and how I will never stop loving you.  I am really sorry that everything with your family and us has evolved the way it has because I don’t want to say what I am about to and I really wish it didn’t have to come to this.  It is good that there is some turning around happening with your family, but you have to understand that there is an awful lot to turn around.  The odds are your family will always have plenty of reasons not to like me.  I don’t think I will ever be able to please your family and make them all happy and I really just want to do what makes me and you happy.  It could take years for them to accept me and I do not want to put our future and marriage on hold to possibly gain their acceptance.

Your family has some serious apologizing to do if they want to be back in my life.  I am not going to post-pone the wedding.  It is not my job to change our wedding because they are finally starting to come around.  They should have been adults before.  Why should I re-route my life and plans for them when they have treated me so horribly?  This is not about them!  This is about the two of us.  We are the core and the only two that matter.  I believe that we should love those around us and give second chances but that should not mean that we have to sacrifice ourselves.  If they love you they will bring me into their lives eventually regardless of when the wedding is.  Pushing the date back will only give them more time to cause a wedge in our relationship.  As far as eight months not being long enough for them… it is either they decide to get over it and show up or they don’t… enough with the drama!  How much more of this can I take?

I will be standing up for myself and I will not tolerate them trying to push me around!  I have enough insecurities because of how they have treated me and from being kept a secret for over two years!  I shouldn’t be losing sleep over all of this.  You really need to stand up for us both as a couple and stop groveling for your parents’ approval.  You need to tell them our plans and let them react however they chose to.  You should not be tiptoeing around your family’s feelings at the expense of mine.  You need to tell them the date and they need to understand that I come first.  I am your future wife and you need to give me my place!  They also need to know that I would make an excellent daughter-in-law if only they would let me and that my heart is definitely in the right place when it comes to my intentions toward their son!

By rejecting me and our relationship your family has lost out on their opportunity to be included in planning our special day.  The budget is none of their business and not only will I not change our date, but I will not change any of the plans we have made so far.  I want to make myself perfectly clear.  The wedding will be taking place on September 22, 2012 and you need to decide if you are going to be there or not.  If you are going to be there you may want to let your family know about it sooner rather than later as we all deserve to be on the same page before my parents make the next payment.  I hope that we continue with our wedding plans and your family has a huge change of heart and realize how wrong and horrible they’re acting.  Regardless I need to know before we get married that you are capable of standing up for us and letting your parents know that I will be coming first in your life whether they like it or not!

His reply...

Again you have failed to listen to me or to actually look over the big picture here. I do love you ****, but you again are suffering from tunnel vision here and have not taken into account anything I have said and why I have been trying to explain this to you.

_____

I sorta know what he is getting at but at the same time I am a bit confused :S  I poured my heart out to him and made such a big statement and he just said that I am not listening to him or getting it?  I am a bit frustrated and don't know where to go from here!

@Jacqui90:  I know!  I just feel like I am being selfish a bit by not budging.  Do I sound like I don't love him or care about his feelings?  That is the last thing I want.  I don't know how this got so messed up between us!  It's always been messed up with his family but I've never felt this close to losing him... this is suppose to be a happy time in our lives and I want a little normalcy... I am sick of the drama!!  I am at a loss as to what my next move is :(

@Jacqui90:  Okay thanks so much!  I will keep you posted on how things turn out.