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Why does everyone think it is their business when we decide to have kids? I am tired of having people ask me this. We did a short engagement (4 months), didn't live together until we got married, and bought a house while we were engaged. I work 50 hours a week and husband works 80 hours a week (and will for the next 4-5 years). Why does everyone think this is reasonable to ask?
It's definitely annoying! I found that a quick, "We're going to take some time to ourselves before we start trying" cleared the air.
It took me a while to figure out that most people were just using it as a conversation starter! There's always a few people who really want t know, but I've found that a lot of people just throw it out there as another version of talking about the weather!
It seems to bother a lot of people. It doesn't bother me. I would be annoyed if people started to imply what they think I should do, but I'm not that bothered if people ask. I just give a vague answer back.
I think people just expect that it' the natural progression. I get this question all the time. I'm not a very public person , most of my co-workers didn't know I was married till they started noticing the ring. I get this question all the time too. Usually I respond something like "when we're ready" or , "we're in no hurry" , or my favorite "who needs kids I've got a dog!". While it is a very personal question , don't let it bother you super much.
YEah, I think a lot of people are asking, to talk about something that might be of interest. And I could see it being annoying if someone was implying you should start right away, "At your age and all." Or that you should wait, "because you never know if this will work out" or "wait until you're more mature". THat would be wrong.
But just asking to ask, is one of those things, that I think can get on nerves because it's asked so frequently. But shouldn't necessarily be looked at as that person being rude.
Boo that, just give them the polite brush-off and do what's right for you two! Your title made me laugh, by the way :)
It's just as bad as people asking when I'll get married I'm sure... um none-ya :D...
Its not meant to be rude, but I hate that question. So many people try to have babies for a while before it happens - so what are you supposed to say to that? We would love to but are having a hard time? I don't think that is really any of anyone's business. They might be trying to just make conversation, but as someone who gets that question all the time, I really hate it.
I think if anyone knew just one couple who was fighting infertility they would stop asking this question so casually - it can cause a lot of pain.
Yeah, I have the same problem, or did. FMIL hasn't mentioned it in a while since FI took her out in public and was like MOM! GET OFF HER BACK ABOUT THE KIDS THING! lol. Yes, I agree though - people should learn some common courtesy. Don't ask people about PERSONAL business. It's personal because it's none of YOUR business. I just tell people politely that it is basically none of their business what our family decisions and personal behaviors, are and if and when we do... somebody will probably let them know. lol. :) I have a very short fuse for stuff like that. I'm one of those I'll tell you if you need to know kind of people.
-Bella
as soon as we got engaged people were always saying "this time next year" and shoving poor unsuspecting children into my arms.
heck, every time i had a headache my boss would ask "are you pregnant" and we were at a wake for hubbys aunts and the greek orthodox priest started giving me lectures about how its my role as a woman to have babies
hopefully you'll learn to tone it out as white noise
I've gotten, "So you knocked up yet?" since the wedding. I'm over it, and I usually just blow them off with some non-answer or rarely a more pointed butt-out statement.
My sister-in-law recently announced she is pregnant. I figured this would get people off my back, but hubby thinks it will lead to more. Ugghh.
Mrs. DG- would love to hear your non'answers/butt-out statements. I would love to find a response that sounds polite but puts people in their place. Maybe, "I'm infertile, please don't remind me."
The only person who keeps asking me is someone who I know to be rude and unpleasant. So I really hate that question.
My sister had the same thing happen to her when she got married! (Meaning, me and my other sisters pestered her for a niece or nephew :P) We bothered her for YEARS.
Then she got pregnant. And now everyone is hounding ME, asking "When are you getting married???" and "Has he asked yet?!"
Karma. Ugh. 
You could always fake them out.
"When are you going to have kids?"
"Right now!"
"REALLY?!"
"No."
"...Oh."
Muahahaha!
Well for one girl, I finally said (after the 27th time) "Um, are you?" She hasn't asked again.
Mostly I say "Well that's a pretty private matter between Mr. DG and I" or "I think we're keeping that on the backburner for now." or "We're just happy being newlyweds right now. We really haven't even had time to breathe." or "We haven't even finished thank you notes yet!"
Most people know we don't want kids and feel very strongly about that decision, so I'm not sure how I'll react to the first comment after we get married. Not well I imagine heh.
At least they're -asking- you :/
My paternal grandfather basically said he expected me to have kids soon because my mom and dad were the first of my dad's brothers and sisters to have kids(I'm the first of my cousins to get married). Ugh. We're only 24 and about to start grad school after the wedding! >_< Not to mention, I don't even think I want to have kids!
People started asking me this right after we got engaged. We will be engaged almost a year by the time we get married.
The thing I don't like when the question is worded this way, is the assumption that you are having kids at some point. I have a few friends who are planning on not having children, and people constantly ask them "when" and tell them "you'll change your minds" and can be extremely rude about it. HELLO PEOPLE IT'S THEIR CHOICE! It doesn't really bother me when people ask if I am planning on having children, but I don't like the "when" question so much.
People are just excited for you :) I don't really understand why it's so offensive? To me it's on par with asking if you're planning on staying where you are to work, or if you want to travel, or if you're going to buy a house. Just a part of your life plans.
So when they ask, I tell them our plans, which are to not have them for a few more years. Kind of a non-issue.
Do people get offended or demanding if you give the 'wrong' answer? That's the only way I can imagine getting annoyed at them asking.
Ugg It bothers me and we are still not married, but I think it's just because the answer it's longer, because each time I had to explain them it's not on our plans and why.
An ex co-worker of mine kept writing comments on my facebook about me being pregnant (he's a prick). Literally every update I made he would comment with some smart ass comment about me being pregnant. It got to the point where people were messaging me, asking if me if I was pregnant. It annoyed me sooo much that I pretty much blew up in his face and made him feel like an ass. I know, not nice...but I have to get a colposcopy done (my second one in the past year) so obviously baby making is on hold and having everyone ask if I was preggers was just a sensitive topic. :oP He's backed off since then.
A millisecond after we were engaged, people started asking "when are ya'll going to have kids?"
Um, can we get married first? May I complete one major step and then move on to the next? And soooooo none of your business!! Gah!
My family has been hounding me ever since we hit the two year mark of our relationship (never mind engagement or wedding).
I'm hoping it's not that bad for me. On the FI's side, he has 3 siblings that are older than us, married, one of them (that lives in canada now) has kids. His mom always asks for kids to the other 2 here-it gets so annoying that one had to make a comment to her to make her stop. I'm hoping that they don't hound us for kids...we'll be 22 when we get married, so hopefully they'll think we're too young to start! I know my side will!
@guitargirl - my FSIL just got pregnant too, and his parents are quite satisfied. The talks have not stopped, but the mentioning of having "grandchildren singin' up on stage with their momma" has definitely lessened.
My parents have two grandsons from my brother. So, they aren't in a hurry for me. He owns a restaurant, and I'm still starting my career. Babies? Yes. Now? Not hardly.
People have asked us a lot. It used to get me really frustrated, but I think Mr. Bee is right--people are just looking for a conversation starter. If you just got married, they're used to talking to you about the wedding, so they're just looking for something else to talk about. With the exception of maybe our parents, I think this seems to be the case.
@ Miss Velveteen -- the question is offensive because getting pregnant isn't always easy. I know of many women who would love nothing more than to announce their pregnancy, but have either had miscarriages (in some cases, multiple miscarriages) or have not been able to get pregnant at all. Asking them when they're having kids, or why they're not pregnant yet, is like rubbing salt in a wound. Why should they have to explain that, or to think of a non-explanation if they really don't want to talk about their difficulties? It's simply impolite to question people about such private issues, which a lot of people have no control over.
And even for couples without reproductive difficulties, why should it be any business other than their own? I don't want to have to justify my life choices to anyone, whether it's buying a house or moving to another state or having kids. If I have something to tell people, I'll tell them...and the more a topic involves private/confidential issues (even jobs...not many people want to talk about their negotiations with another company and risk it getting back to their current employer) the more sensitive people should be about not asking.
Just my opinion, of course. But please don't assume that it's a harmless question, because there are a lot of cases where it's really not.
usually it hasn't bothered me...I rarely get the question, and when I do I usually say "hello, I'm working full time and in grad school" ...but his parents like to say "we're not getting any younger...I want to actually be able to PLAY with my grandkids" <sigh> while some of it is in jest, it is a sore topic for me, as both of my g'pas died before I was born, and both of my g'mas died while I was young. So, I really feel like I missed out on a lot and am jealous of those who still have grandparents around.
I also think it is weird that we've never seen them harass the BIL/SIL, who are younger but have been together way longer than us (and aren't super young, something like 26/27) My parents never ask, but I have told them anyway what my *Hopes* are...they know more than usual, bc I've been updating them on some health issues that needed to be resolved pre-kiddos...luckily that's going well so far!
I actually became buzzkill at a recent bachelorette party, when one of the girls (who I didn't know that well) was asking me when I was going to have kids. I said, "you know don't you hate when people ask when is your bf going to propose? Say I had fertility issues? No, offense but its such an annoying question, that i'm tired of getting"
awkward silence.... Then I just ordered some drinks to forget about it :) :)
just tell them you were born as a man, raise your eyebrow, and walk away
I just don't like the fact that people ASSUME we're going to have kids. Or when I say "We're officially undecided." And the response I get is, "well you'll change your mind later on." How does that even make sense? I said I was undecided! Ugh, this bothers me so much!
I get the "whoa girl you'd best get to having a baby soon if you two are ever gonna. You're FORTY."
I get this crap all the time.
It's bizarre. I feel like telling people I'm pre menopausal or something (although I'm definitely not). They say stuff like "I bet your biological clock is REALLY ticking isn't it?" (and I'm already a mom with one child.)
It could be worse. You could be 40!!! lmao!!!
I also get the bio clock joke from "Cousin Vinny" where they talk about my bio clock and start stamping their foot on the "ticking and ticking" part too. VERY annoying.
My boss actually said "you would probably have to go on an extended maternity leave because you'd be high risk wouldn't you"? Oh that was niiice. (insert roll eyes here!)
"We're not" is usually my answer. I find it especially irritating when I tell people that neither my fiance nor I want children, and they reply "Oh, just wait - you'll change your mind." As though they have some insight to my feelings that I'm lacking. I'm also bothered by the sexist assumption that my uterus and I will suddenly start wanting kids, and coerce my unsuspecting fiance into parenthood.
We're not even married yet and we have been getting this question so much lately. It is definitely annoying.
Yeah! Totally sick of this question! We didn't live together before we were married so we're still adjusting to the concept of living together. Plus he works a demanding job with a schedule that is completely opposite of mine. NOT the time to add a baby to the mix! My family is being totally respectful (I think they understand our situation) but friends are driving me nuts!
LOVE Mrs DG's thank you notes one LOL. I think it's rude even as a conversation starter since I know a lot of close friends who have suffered infertility or miscarriages and would hate to deal with that. i think snarky answers are best so they'll SHUT UP!
I got a haircut a couple weeks before the wedding and the hair stylist started asking me about having kids, ok just chit chat, but then she's like whoa you're 28, you know you can't have kids forever. Ack - But what are you going to do.
I've also had a lot of people who if I mention being hungry say 'oh maybe you're pregnant!' So now since being married I don't mention hunger as much.
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