Post # 1
let me just start off by saying i KNOW i am wrong, but i still feel the way i feel 🙁 hoping that some kind perspectives from the bee will make me “reset” my views and feel better about the situation!
so FMIL (that i have tension with) offered to very generously give us 10k to go towards our wedding – i am extremely grateful for this! aside from the financial aspect, it is nice to show such a concrete show of support towards FI and I.
So here is where the issue comes in. FI and I are 99% sure we are having our wedding at a resort right next to a casino in Connecticut. FMIL wants Fi and I to cover the hotel costs for the OOT guests that we are inviting, at least from her side of the family. I just looked up the pricing for the hotels around the casino, and it is VERY expensive! I think it would be about 3500-4000 for the hotel rooms for the OOT guests (about 20-25 adults) – it is that expensive because well, its at a casino!!! There are other hotels nearby such as Marriott, or La Quinta, things of that caliber but FMIL I am sure wants the “best” for her guests so that she doesnt lose face – so it should be at the nice casino, right next to our wedding. Also, those are a 10-15 minute drive whereas the casino is literally a block away, so it does make more sense.
It is in their culture to pay for hotel rooms for guests, and it is their money so i know i have to honor it. I am just a little.. i dont know, sad? that it is probably not expected we pay for much for lodging for OOT guests and that a large chunk of our wedding money is gone. I KNOW I AM BEING SELFISH and i should be grateful for any money they gift us. I just need to hear it (kindly) from other people, so that I can accept it better.
For the record, we are only paying for lodging for the OOT guests on FMIL’s side of the family, and my parents. The rest of the guests we will block rooms off for, but not pay for.
Post # 3
look at this way that is ten k you wouldn’t have had anyways. So after paying hotel you still have 6k extra. I hate parents giving money without strings attached but she isn’t being unreasonable in my opinion. You guys are still up an extra 6k which you can use for whatever you want!
Post # 4
You said it’s in their culture, is that what they are telling you or are you sure its done that way?
I dont think its selfish to feel this way. Im not paying for any of my OOT guests. I mean, I’d love to help but just can’t. Whatever money they give you will have to go toward that. However, I do not think it is fair for you to pay for only FMIL’s guests and not your own. It should either be all or none.
Post # 5
@sugarcube: don’t think of it as her giving you 10k and telling you how to spend it. Instead just try to think that she’s giving you 6k to spend however you want on your wedding!
Post # 6
@MASPA: It is what they are telling me – and i think she is just basing it on her own experiences. When she attended FI’s cousin’s wedding, the father of the bride (wealthy man) paid for all the lodging for OOT guests. But again, it is her money.. so I can’t object, right? Its just hard to swallow i guess, since i never expected to pay for OOT guests (on her side).
As additional information, we were planning on paying for her roughly 20-25 OOT guests, and my immediate family (4 members). I will not be paying for the rest of my OOT guests, because i dont think they expect it. I am not sure if her side expects it or not, but she does, and it is her money.. right?? :/
Post # 7
Wow, I think that’s a lot of money for you to spend on hotels. If it’s in the budget, that’s great. But if it’s not…well, that’s quite a bit of money to pony up! I guess do like what VAwife suggested; pretend that she’s only giving up 6k, because that’s the only discretionary money she’s providing.
Post # 8
@abbie017: it IS a lot of money, which is why i am having a hard time accepting it. It is at a casino – you know.. super expensive. The cheaper hotels will just make her/us “look bad” so it has to be there. It was never in our budget to pay for these OOT guests, but the extra 10k wasnt in our budget either! So.. im trying to come to accept is as fair.
Post # 9
@VAwife: I agree!
Pretend you don’t even know about those extra 4k. You were just given 6k as a wedding gift – that’s amazing!
Post # 10
I would be concerned about what everyone else will think if they find out. If I was part of the family and found out that some were paid for and some were not then I might be upset.
At this point this is the one thing that she is demanding but it seems a common theme around here that it never stops at just one thing…
Post # 11
@Luayne: Are you talking about me specifically, or bees “around here” in general? 🙁
Well, all the guests on her side would be paid for… but not all of mine. But my parents aren’t contributing anything financially. What to do?
Post # 12
i believe i know all the places you are talking about with your wedding as i am from that area too… i know those casino rooms can be so insanely expensive! did you look at if the hotel will do a discounted rate since youre booking so many rooms? when is your wedding? based on the events going on whatever weekend it is, they may not even have enough rooms to accomodate your group. if thats the case, youre off the hook!
it might be way cheaper to look into one of the nicer non-casino hotels (most have shuttles to the casino) OR you could perhaps provide a shuttle just for your guests at additional times?
Post # 13
@bostongirl27: +1 – This sounds like something that’s worth looking at. Definitely check to see if you can get a discounted group rate. Check the nearby “nicer” hotels and the cost of hiring a shuttle van (I think you’ll want a private one.) And see which is more “budget friendly.”
If FMIL is put off, you could always tell her that you weren’t sure all of the guests would be comfortable staying at the casino.
I do think that the guests from YOUR side of the family might feel badly if they find out that HIS side gets their rooms comp’ed – but they don’t. If you go that route, and anyone asks – make it clear that FMIL is paying for the rooms, not the two of you (even if the payment is in a round-about way.)
But, you might want to do some research about their culture to see if providing the lodging is as widespread a tradition as FMIL is telling you. If it is, then you know that you could offend some guests by not offering the option. If it really isn’t very common, then perhaps you and FI could compromise with FMIL and only pay for rooms for your immediate family members?
The request that you pay for your guests’ lodging is a little odd – in the USA – but she’s claiming cultural reasons. And you love and respect her son, so you must respect some of the cultural differences (even if he’s not quite as “involved” with the culture as his mom, it’s rare for someone to not pick up some of the habits, traditions and values from the people who raise them).
If your FI is really resistant to paying for rooms, then this might be worth further discussion. If he thinks it’s the right thing to do, maybe you can try to think of it as something you are doing for him?
It’s tough when you are told you are being given something, and then you find out that it’s not quite what it seems. But that revelation doesn’t have to overshadow the nice gift that you do have.
Post # 14
Pretend she’s giving you 6k and that there is no other 4k.
Post # 15
I think if she gave you $10K then you have to do as she requested. You are still receiving a large contribution from her after paying for her OOT guests.
Post # 16
We actually paid for all the hotel rooms on my side. We kept it on the DL because we didn’t pay for DH’s side. In our family it’s a tradition as well. My parents gave us money and requested this, DH’s family didn’t give us money so we didn’t fell bad about doing one side and not the other. To me, though it was slightly ridiculous. Some guests gave us $150 in gifts and we paid for a $275 room for them (2 nights). Its def a money losing proposition.