(Closed) please talk me down :)

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

look at this way that is ten k you wouldn’t have had anyways. So after paying hotel you still have 6k extra. I hate parents giving money without strings attached but she isn’t being unreasonable in my opinion. You guys are still up an extra 6k which you can use for whatever you want!

Post # 4
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

You said it’s in their culture, is that what they are telling you or are you sure its done that way?

I dont think its selfish to feel this way.  Im not paying for any of my OOT guests.  I mean, I’d love to help but just can’t.  Whatever money they give you will have to go toward that.  However, I do not think it is fair for you to pay for only FMIL’s guests and not your own.  It should either be all or none.

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@sugarcube:   don’t think of it as her giving you 10k and telling you how to spend it. Instead just try to think that she’s giving you 6k to spend however you want on your wedding!

Post # 7
Member
12827 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I think that’s a lot of money for you to spend on hotels.  If it’s in the budget, that’s great.  But if it’s not…well, that’s quite a bit of money to pony up!  I guess do like what VAwife suggested; pretend that she’s only giving up 6k, because that’s the only discretionary money she’s providing.  

Post # 9
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@VAwife:  I agree!

Pretend you don’t even know about those extra 4k.  You were just given 6k as a wedding gift – that’s amazing!

Post # 10
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I would be concerned about what everyone else will think if they find out. If I was part of the family and found out that some were paid for and some were not then I might be upset.

At this point this is the one thing that she is demanding but it seems a common theme around here that it never stops at just one thing…

Post # 12
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i believe i know all the places you are talking about with your wedding as i am from that area too… i know those casino rooms can be so insanely expensive! did you look at if the hotel will do a discounted rate since youre booking so many rooms? when is your wedding? based on the events going on whatever weekend it is, they may not even have enough rooms to accomodate your group. if thats the case, youre off the hook!

it might be way cheaper to look into one of the nicer non-casino hotels (most have shuttles to the casino) OR you could perhaps provide a shuttle just for your guests at additional times?

Post # 13
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@bostongirl27:  +1  – This sounds like something that’s worth looking at.  Definitely check to see if you can get a discounted group rate.  Check the nearby “nicer” hotels and the cost of hiring a shuttle van (I think you’ll want a private one.) And see which is more “budget friendly.”

If FMIL is put off, you could always tell her that you weren’t sure all of the guests would be comfortable staying at the casino.

I do think that the guests from YOUR side of the family might feel badly if they find out that HIS side gets their rooms comp’ed – but they don’t.  If you go that route, and anyone asks – make it clear that FMIL is paying for the rooms, not the two of you (even if the payment is in a round-about way.)

But, you might want to do some research about their culture to see if providing the lodging is as widespread a tradition as FMIL is telling you.  If it is, then you know that you could offend some guests by not offering the option.  If it really isn’t very common, then perhaps you and FI could compromise with FMIL and only pay for rooms for your immediate family members?

The request that you pay for your guests’ lodging is a little odd – in the USA – but she’s claiming cultural reasons.  And you love and respect her son, so you must respect some of the cultural differences (even if he’s not quite as “involved” with the culture as his mom, it’s rare for someone to not pick up some of the habits, traditions and values from the people who raise them).

If your FI is really resistant to paying for rooms, then this might be worth further discussion.  If he thinks it’s the right thing to do, maybe you can try to think of it as something you are doing for him?

It’s tough when you are told you are being given something, and then you find out that it’s not quite what it seems. But that revelation doesn’t have to overshadow the nice gift that you do have.

Post # 14
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Pretend she’s giving you 6k and that there is no other 4k.

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think if she gave you $10K then you have to do as she requested. You are still receiving a large contribution from her after paying for her OOT guests. 

Post # 16
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We actually paid for all the hotel rooms on my side. We kept it on the DL because we didn’t pay for DH’s side. In our family it’s a tradition as well. My parents gave us money and requested this, DH’s family didn’t give us money so we didn’t fell bad about doing one side and not the other. To me, though it was slightly ridiculous. Some guests gave us $150 in gifts and we paid for a $275 room for them (2 nights). Its def a money losing proposition.

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