Please tell me how you would feel.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

I would feel betrayed and hurt. I would ask your brother why he thinks it’s ok to be in contact with the uncle when he knows what he did to you. I’m so sorry for what you went through and the hurt you are feeling now. Your reaction is completely warranted.

Post # 4
Member
42549 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Our feelings are never wrong. You are feeling betrayed and hurt by his actions. He should know better than to do what he did. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and care for you however.

Will you have time before the wedding to have a heart to heart with John?  Is there any chance that this uncle is the  person who abused John (as well as you)? If so, that could explain John’s inability to stand up to him. Or, possibly this uncle knows about what happened to John and John is unable to stand up to him for that reason?

Post # 6
Member
42549 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Lauraine:  

If he has never had therapy to deal with what was done to him, it will affect the way he behaves and thinks for his whole life.

These are only some of the possible effects of childhood sexual abuse:

  • Loss of confidence, dignity and self respect
  • Low self-esteem and poor self-worth
  • Loss of hope for the future
  • Adverse effects on both physical and mental health
  • The inability to trust others even close family and friends
  • The inability to relax and enjoy life
  • Loss of innocence and childhood
  • Anxiety, guilt and fear
  • Sexual dysfunction, withdrawal, and acting out
  • Difficulties in relating to the opposite sex.

And may also lead to:

  • Alcohol and drug abuse
  • Obsessive behaviour and strict routines
  • Anxiety states
  • Self-harming e.g. cutting, scratching or burning
  • Depression and suicide.
Post # 7
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Even though (and selfishly I am glad about this) cannot relate to what you are feeling, I would have to admit that if I look at the situation, you are not being overly emotional or dramatic – you are hurt and you deserve to be. I would suggest letting him know that, at the very least you deserve to get it off your chest.

Post # 8
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

I would feel horribly betrayed. I honestly think you need to tell John he has to choose between having you or the uncle in his life. I just don’t see how he can maintain both relationships. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. 

Post # 9
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I understand how hurt you are and I don’t think it’s overly sensitive. On the other hand, I think it’s good to keep in mind how damaged your brother might be.

I would try to be as forgiving as possible with him. He loves you. Try to keep that front and center and not let all these many issues get in the way of your fundamental relationship with your brother. 

Post # 14
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I absolutely understand why you’re upset and I don’t think you’re overreacting. However, just something to keep in mind – from what you’ve said, John feels partially responsible for his own abuse. He also is likely receiving pressure from the rest of his family about keeping a relationship with your uncle. So he’s got a lot of layers of guilt happening, none of which have been resolved. 

I’m not saying his actions are right, I’m saying that he’s hurting too, and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Your family seems to be trying to cover all this up, and being older, he was likely heavily pressured to do the same. I assume you’ve been through therapy already, it might be a good idea to go back and see if they can give you some insight on how best to handle this to both maintain your relationship with your brother, while keeping yourself emotionally safe.

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