Post # 1
I know I have been whining on these boards for almost a month now about getting dumped but I’m not coping.
My mum keeps telling me all the things that I could have done wrong to make my Ex-SO of 5 years dump me and it’s not helping. Ex-SO says I haven’t done anything wrong or done anything to change his mind. He says it’s all him.
I just need some positive feedback or just some words of advice because I am not coping.
Long story short- SO dumped me because up until a few weeks ago he thought I was the one but now he has changed his mind. He says that he loves me but does not want to marry me anymore.
Oh my heart…
Post # 4
There are great guys out there who will not be indecisive jerks like this guy. In my opinion, he showed his true colors through this breakup by jerking you around and refusing selfishly to give you space so he could ease his own guilt for breaking off the relationship. now you have the freedom to find someone who will be dying to be your husband!
Post # 5
– Time is a great healer. This is a recent breakup, and you need time to grieve. But like any wound, it will heal. Injuries hurt the most when they are recent.
– Better that you know now than after the wedding.
– Better that you waste as little as possible of your childbearing years on someone who is just not quite sure. You then have more time in which to find someone new. Someone who is sure about you. Hooray!
– When life gives you lemons, sometimes you have to make lemonade. Make a list of all the things which you could not do whilst in your previous relationship, but you now can. Think about all the ways in which you can be completely, indulgently selfish now that you are single… for example, maybe you can have long baths without worrying about using up all the hot water. Maybe you can get a tattoo now, whereas before then your other half would have made a fuss. Maybe you can get a dog now, but your ex was allergic. Do all of these things, and love every indulgent second of it.
– Explore new hobbies. You will now have lots of free time which you used to spend with your ex. Use it constructively and you will soon have new friends and a whole new life. Don’t spend it moping or it will feel like an eternity.
Source: Resident agony aunt for my friends for about 15+ years!
PS Your Mum sounds like kind of a douche here. Maybe she thinks she is providing constructive criticism, but she is woefully misguided if she thinks she is helping you because she clearly is not. And she should know her own child rather better than that. I mean, look… maybe she means well. But I would stop venting to her and find a more sympathetic ear, myself. It will do you the power of good.
Post # 6
Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels. Give yourself permission to take the time to heal. Your expectations are unreal if you think you should be doing better by now.
Post # 7
So sorry to hear you are going through this. Were you engaged? I’m new to the boards and unsure what SO means.
It will be really tough now, but it sounds as though he wasn’t ready to commit. As hard as it is, for some reason it mjight be easier to understand that things were supposed to go this way. Whoever you end up with will make you realise that there is a reason it never worked out with any one else.
Post # 8
You’re going to look back at this time in your life one day and just laugh. When you’re married to the love of your life and have a wonderful life with him you’ll think I can’t believe I thought I wanted to be with “that” guy when there was one like this waiting for me. Enjoy your single life because mr. Right will come along soon!
Post # 9
@AussieSummer: Yikes first of all, I’m not in the agreement with your Mom right now! Are you ruminating on the situtation, as in focusing on it all the time and bringing it up? I’m wondering if that is why you Mom is saying that.
Personally…I’ve read a lot of your posts over the past month. It sounds like it’s not YOU it’s really HIM. And…you deserve better!!!
Have you thought about signing up for some online dating websites, just saying yes to everything for a while? I’ve had some girlfriends who have done this who tell me it was a confidence boost for them (even just chatting on line) and a two of them actually met men who they will likely marry.
Hang in there and good luck!
Post # 10
@AussieSummer: First and foremost I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.
Here is something positive:
I was engaged before to someone else. I loved him dearly. He slept with someone behind my back, I found out he had been seeing her for about 4 months, I called him as soon as I found out (he was out of town), he hung up on me and I didnt hear from him for almost a year. He wouldnt answer my calls, emails, etc. No closure, nothing. I thought I was going to die.
Why is that positive? Because during that painful year I met my current FI who took my broken heart and healed it. He made it bigger and better. He turned out to be the man of dreams and I am happier now than I ever was with my ex, and at the time I truly didnt think that was possible. Just know that it is possible for you too! I believe that sometimes we go through painful exeriences so that we can grow and end up where we are supposed to be. I am living proof that you can get through this pain and end up in a better place. It will take time, but you will survive this, I promise. xo
Post # 11
I have read that the time it takes to get over someone is however long you were together divided by three. That’s something that has always helped me after breakups–like, I know I feel horrendous now, but in three months/five months/whatever, I will feel better! And it’s usually true.
Also, this is probably bad advice, but when my ex and I broke up a few years ago, when I finally hit the “anger” phase–maybe two months after the breakup?–I made out with like 5 guys at random bars. It made me feel better, I must say. Lol.
You will feel better soon! Hugs!
Post # 12
@AussieSummer: First, tell your mom to stop it. He doesn’t want to be with you so there is no useful purpose for hashing what you may or may not have done to make him leave. Second, you did NOTHING to make him leave! Everything happens exactly how it’s supposed to with perfect and elegant timing. For whatever reason this guy is not the one- sometimes you decide and sometimes the universe decides it for you. Say a big huge thank you to universe for getting this guy who is not the one out of your way so you can meet the one. Also, please remember that it is 100% impossible to be rejected by the right person. Now go be awesome and do some interesting things so you can be ready for when the universe sends the right guy your way! Hugs and I hope you are feeling better soon!
Post # 13
@AussieSummer: I spent FIVE YEARS in a relationship with a man i was desperate to marry. He was 10 years older than me and he didn’t want to get married until he was financially secure (which he still wasn’t from the ages of 30-35)….then I spent THREE YEARS in a relationship with a man i was desperately in love with, and had sex with, who was not in love with me in “that way” yet emotionally manipulated me until I felt there was something wrong with me. Then I spent the last TWENTY THREE YEARS with the TRUE man of my dreams….we dated for 3 years, and have just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. He worships the ground I walk on, and I feel the same way about him. We still drive each other crazy at times, but he is absolutely positively the love of my life and my soulmate.
Opening myself up to love again after MULTIPLE heartbreaks was the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. It can be for you too, once you are done grieving and move on to the next (and hopefully best) phase of your life.
Post # 14
@FutureMrsJohnston: +1 Great words.
Everybody takes different time lengths to heal. I’ve been in a couple long term relationships that haven’t worked out, and 1 ending in me being dumped. It may feel like you will never love again, or will never find anyone like him…but you will grow from this experience and meet someone BETTER….I guarantee it.
Now I’m in a 9 year relationship with my soulmate and look back at my ex that I cried countless nights over…and think “EW! I was upset over HIM?”
Don’t think you did anything wrong, and definitely DON’T listen to your mother…I’m sure you are a lovely person and it’s HIS loss. *hug*
Post # 15
You will absolutely come to a point in your life when you can say you’re glad things ended. The time it takes to heal SUCKS but keep busy and power through it! You are going to be twice as happy as you were with him some day, as hard as it is to imagine.
Post # 16
*Hugs* I just want to say that I am in the exact same situation as you — the dumpee, if you will. It has been 4 months and I am still not over it yet. Of course… I didn’t do as they tell you to do and keep no contact… I broke that 2 months in and it made me feel a thousand times worse and put me backward as far as emotionally healing. I have good days and bad days… some days I come home from work and just cry my eyes out because I’m alone and feel like the future is so uncertain. Just know you are not alone and everyone goes through a terrible break up at some point.. and guess what? Those people survived and came out the other side… those same people have found better significant others… and those people are happy. 🙂