- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I never thought planning my wedding would be so complicated, but, now, almost every ceremony/reception detail is set. Next, I must address my wedding party with what I expect from them.This brings me to my latest issue. My plus size bridesmaid from FH's family who is notorious for refusing to shave her legs and arm pits, and for wearing form fitting formal clothing without a girdle (body shaper). I plan to demand that she shave and girdle up like all of the other bridesmaid plan to do. If she refuses, then I plan to offer her the post of a door greeter.
What do you think? What would you do?
RECENTLY ADDED- SHE WAS ASKED TO BE IN THE WEDDING AS A FAVOR TO THE GROOM. I'M NOT ASKING HER TO LOOK SMALLER, BUT TO AT LEAST WEAR SOMETHING TO HOLD HER IN PLACE AND HIDE THE 6 INCH SHADOW AROUND HER BELLY BUTTON THAT WAS VISIBLE THE LAST TIME SHE GOT DRESSED UP IN SATIN AND TOOK PICS.
ALSO, I SAY "DEMAND" BECAUSE SHE IS VERY HEAD STRONG.
maybe you should try asking her nicely to do this, instead of demanding. if you handle it right, maybe she will be sympathic and understand and do it for you...
Tread carefully! I feel like something like this has potential to backfire big time.
I think you take bridesmaids as they are. IMO, your options are:
1. don't say anything and let her do what she wants
2. choose a dress that won't cause these issues (long, sleeves, not form-fitting)
3. don't have her be a bridesmaid
FYI- I had a similar issue with 2 BMs who don't shave their legs, and one was heavy. I told them to give me their top 3 dress choices in my color that were long, and then ended up letting each pick the one they wanted. (I wanted to make sure it wasn't 4 with the same dress and one different, and that none were hideous.) It worked out great, they all looked AND FELT wonderful, and their support was more important anyway.
Um. I would be insanely offended if someone asked me to get some shapewear. It's like insulting her body or telling her she's too fat. Just deal and if it bothers you too much, as your photog to take as few pictures of her as possible.
Okay, the shaving thing. Yeah. I feel like you have some right there. But in terms of the girdle, I'd back off. Or delegate another BM to go spanx shopping with her and BOTH buy something. But because a girdle is directly related to her weight and body image, I think it would hurt her for you to insist upon it. It's possible that she doesn't have a high self-esteem when it comes to body image, and as one of her best friends (she's your BM, after all), you should make her feel safe, not embarrassed or insecure.
this might sound harsh, but honestly i think that if you have such strong feelings about her personal appearance, you shouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. to me, how my bridesmaids' emotionally support me is 1000000 times more important than how they look, and i want mine to be comfortable and happy and themselves.
I would definitely be careful with how you address this. I would be extremely offended if someone demand that I wear shapewear in their wedding.
Actually I don't think you can tell people to do any of that. I agree with guitargirl. If you're really worried about it, then don't make her a BM. Or choose her dress for her, and add a size when you order it. I think that women, like men, really have the choice of whether or not they want to shave. If her hairy pits and legs offend your senses, then I would just not ask her to be involved.
Oops! I accidentally voted "no", but the answer should be "yes". It's not okay for you to demand that of her. I agree with the other posters who say that her supporting you is a million times more important than what she looks like.
That is ridiculous. Being a bridesmaid means you wear the dress, if you're nice you wear the shoes, if you are super super nice you do your hair/make up/nails if/how the bride wants it. A persons body is private property and you do not get to dictate.
You should have thought of this before you asked her to be a bridesmaid, maybe you were afraid of looking shallow and pictures obsessed in front of your groom if you brought this up when discussing asking her to be a bridesmaid but if you bring this up now you will look really rude.
Once you send someone an STD or an invitation you can not uninvite them without being really rude, once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid you can not ask them to step down or impose demands on them without being rude.
I also agree that this is not acceptable to ask of someone. I'm also a little confused about why you're having someone in your wedding as a "favor?"
If you're concerned about the fabric choice, satin doesn't look good on most people over a size 8, and maybe you can choose another fabrication for the BM dresses to help with this issue?
it sounds like since the BM is FH's family that she might not have had a choice to choose her but was forced to choose her (i have the same problem).
I actually chose a dress for her though that was NOT form fitting for this reason, and saying all the girls have to wear their hair down to cover up other questionable things that im not too fond of. Is there a way to choose a dress (and order it FOR her so she doesnt get the wrong size) to make sure that maybe she doesnt need shapewear? or have a shrug for her just in case she doesnt shave her pits?
i would tread lightly on the "demanding" thing since shes family and has potential to cause real drama if something goes bad. i would suggest having the MOH or some of the other bridesmaids all meet up and find underthings that are appropriate and all buy them at the same time - like what @gemstone said....
I agree with the option Guitargirl chose. Choose some dresses that will look good on her, and that will cover legs and maybe a shrug for covering the armpits. If she is family, then I think that is the best you can do. You can't force somebody to shave, or wear a girdle. I am plus-sized, and I would hope that if I was asked to be in a wedding party the bride would choose something that would make me feel pretty, or at least not totally ugly!!
maybe don't pick a form fitting dress?! really, i don't see how you can pass the blame buck to your bridesmaids. you picked an unflattering dress, knowing full well she doesn't wear shapewear. How she looks doesn't reflect on you, it reflects on her. I'm mortified by the idea of not looking good in a dress AND not shaving, but hey, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to cut my hair, not wear makeup, or tell me how to dress specifically.
I think you should enlist help from FI family to help out in this situation. Maybe FMIL can go shopping with her and gently suggest getting some spanx. It is his family, I would totally let them deal with it. I know i wouldn't feel comfortable telling one of his cousins to girdle up.
It's the bride's right to have her girls wear the dress/shoes she asks. And that's where it ends.
Please be careful with this issue. You're marrying into her family. She obviously matters to your groom. IMO, you need to take her as she is or don't have her in the wedding if you can't look past her weight.
Why would she refuse to shave? I don't get it.
I'm with MzMarzipan- is there anyone on your FH's side of the family that could talk with her? This is a very sensitve subject for most. My guess is that she probably gets defensive because her feelings are hurt.
Have you talked to your FH about this? Your post seems like you are quick to move her from being a bridesmaid to greeter. I would suggest you avoid that kind of drama. You don't need on your wedding day and it will follow you at every family event for many years.
On a not-so-nice side point, maybe your photographer will position the girls so that she is not front and center? I know that sounds mean but it would be the same thing if a MOG/MOB wore all white or something like that.
You're not going to like what I say here but I am just being honest..
Being a plus sized girl.. I was not in my OWN sisters wedding because I was too fat (which she made sure to tell my mom this and gave me some lame excuse) and its something I resent and will for the rest of my life. I am very comfortable in my own skin but that was uncalled for an Im sure this girl would feel the same. If you ever plan on her talking to you again then I would take her as she is and find a dress that isnt so form fitting.. otherwise you're going to cause some lifelong problems. If she doesnt shave or wear spanx (girdle) thats her perogative and she will look odd in the pics.. but you have no right demanding this of her.
oh i missed the greeter part - while it might be better if you are concerned about having to stare at her shadow in all your wedding pictures for the next 20 years, she probably will wear what she wants then but at least you wont have to care about that.
i would talk to your FH or your FMIL (if shes approchable about the topic.)
i think your view is completely within reason. and again i have been in your spot, and ended up compromising on my end, and not getting what i wanted.
this is just wrong in so many ways.. i am sure you mean no harm but you cannot mention this to her...
it would be best to not have her in your wedding.
Bridesmaid drama..been there!
I had to tell two bridesmaids to stepdown and let me tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It made me feel so guilty and horrible, BUT I am glad I did it. I have had the best time with my new bridesmaids and everyhting has been going smoothly. If her not shaving and not wearing any shapewear is really going to stress you out then just be honest. I know everybody thinks I am rude and mean but the bridesmaids that I had to exclude totally understood and I think they felt relieved also. I do agree though that if you knew your bm was a litte overweight and wouldn't look good in the dress you chose then you shouldnt have picked it. One of my bm's is overweight and even though it took me forever to find a dress to fit the really skinny one as well as the not so skinny one, I finally did find one and everyone is happy!
A girdle will only do so much. She will still not look like a supermodel in a form-fitting dress. As for the legs/pits....in my experience, women who choose not to shave have pretty strong convictions as to why they don't, and trying to talk them into shaving only makes those convictions stronger. As far as I know, what you get to expect from your bridesmaids is to expect them to be supportive of you and to wear the dress that you ask them to wear. 'Tis all. They're people, not human fashion accessories.
I agree with the bee who said that how she looks doesn't reflect on you. How she looks is HER choice. If you're that concerned about the belly button, maybe mention privately to your photog that he take pics where people are posed turned slightly sideways, holding flowers at the waist, etc. It wouldn't be that hard. If she shows her armpits while dancing ('cuz it's not like anyone's going to see them during the wedding), then some of your guests may whisper, but about HER, not you.
How would you feel if you were a bridesmaid in a wedding, and the bride said that all the guests were hippies and they want to see bridesmaids with unshaved legs and armpits so please don't shave for a few weeks beforehand??
If she is notoriously known for not shaving and looking a certain way in form fitting clothes, and you still chose to have her as a BM, I think that's a can of worms you opened and have to eat. Sorry, but this is a line I would not cross with anyone. Removing her title as a BM and offering the position of a greeter in return is downright rude. Sorry.
I'd try to find a more flattering fabric for your dresses to help ease the "problem". I'm borderline plus-size and satin is a fabric I absolutely, positively steer clear of. It isn't very forgiving.
I just saw your update. Sounds like your FI asked you to ask her to be in the wedding. Can you explain to him your reservations about making her a BM? Ask him how well she would put up with shaving for your day? Is she a FSIL or something?? Why would your FI ask you to make her a BM??
Also, I don't care how hard-headed someone is, it's still pretty rude to "demand" they do something that is none of your business (like shaving).
I can definitely hear your pain! It has become so socially sanctioned (because of all this PC total bs) that it has become hard to ask a plus size to be a BM precisely because they feel you can't b*tch about their size.
I for one decided not to have the problem by not asking overweight friends to be in my bridal party. The reason is that, if/when you ask them to try to look nicer, they often start saying you are "calling them fat" - once you proceed to inform them that you are not calling them fat, it's the scale that calls out a heavy number, they act all resented.
So in short if I were you I would offer her a post as a door greater and leave it at that.
It sure is your right to have BMs who look good (ie fit and shaved) in your pictures. If she can't understand that, well, she has no part in your bridal party.
I feel like asking them to shave is a reasonable request. As for the dress, maybe choose something with an empire waste and not satin, since satin is such an unforgiving fabric even for those of us who are in decent shape.
If you aren't willing to accept her for who she is, don't have her as a bridesmaid.
WOW. Where to start...she is who she is and you have no right to demand that she change anything about herself. You could suggest (like you said) that they ALL shave and wear a body shaper, but I think that giving her a different job if she doesn't obey your wishes is just rude.
Is it possible that she doesn't really want to be in your wedding anyway? Maybe she feels like she has to because you asked her to. I don't know. If she is someone you are going to see regularly I would be very careful what you do and say. One day you may look back and realize that it really wasn't as much of an issue as you originally thought, but the relationship will be broken.
And gionnetto...maybe its a cultural thing and acceptable where you live, but I found your comments rude, insensitive and utterly ridiculous. But everyone is entitled to their opinion. It just sounds like it would be hard to look good enough around you. JMO.
I think you cant demand that of anyone...if you feel like you need to demand your bridesmaid to do something...than maybe you shouldnt have her in your wedding...and if you choose to have her in your wedding than you should give her a more figure flattering dress.
Well you already asked her, sounds like. SO Idon't think simply not having her as a BM is an option any longer. I think you haveto live with it. I understand you otherwise wouldn't have had her, if you weren't forced into it. DOn't make the situation worse by doing something that will cause family drama. Just let her be her and enjoy your day.
Have you ordered the dresses yet? If not, I also agree you should go for something more flattering on her. And at least get something floor length that covers her legs. Yeah, to some degree a bride can't have everything, exactly how they wnat it. Plenty of brides have had to alter their visions of BM dresses because they did work for the girls who have to wear them.
Good luck.
I will just say this: If someone demanded I wear a girdle for any reason - I would probably punch them in the face.
umm.. I had so many things to say.. and I retyped them over and over... but all I can end up with this.
Ask her to step down before you even say any of this or before you get on your soap box and start demanding.
First of all you cant DEMAND anyone to do anything for you and second of all. SHE DOESNT HAVE TO.
thats my only gripe.
And eww to the not shaving bit..
Ok so I guess I'm on the other side of the fence...
As a plus size gal (who's working on slimming down mind you! 10lbs down!!) I would TOTALLY be fine if asked to be a bridesmaid and then asked to wear spanx under the dress. Maybe it's because I already wear spanx even just with jeans.
Tell her you're requiring all your bridesmaids to do it since the dresses are so form fitting, and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to be a BM. It's your day; if you don't want her looking sloppy in your bridal party, you don't have to put up with it.
I voted "yes" - it is unreasonable. Furthermore, I do not understand why brides care so much about what their bridesmaids are wearing or what they look like or if their shoes match. No one cares about the bridesmaids, no one looks at them during the ceremony, and the photos will be buried in an album somewhere. You and your groom are the centers of attention here. I am sure people will talk shit if her gut is hanging out or if her pitts are hairy - but this reflects poorly upon her, not you, and if anything it will make you look gracious that you extended a kind offer to your unkempt future in law. LIghten up and focus on what's really important.
The thing that confuses me about your post is this: If you don't like her appearance enough to be a bridesmaid why would you ask her to be the first person your guests see as they walk in? But even with that aside I don't think you can ask someone to alter their physical appearance to please you regardless of their role in the wedding.
@gionnetto: Finally someone said what a lot of us were thinking! I am as laid back bride as they come. My bridal party makes up 2 bridesmaids, they went and picked their own dresses and showed me after. Now with that being said, they were only allowed to do this because I know they have great taste and would never pick out something that was cheap, ill-fitting, or hideous. Yes its only a day and material things shouldn't matter so much blah blah blah....we spend a lot of money and energy into planning for this one day. Photography alone is one of the biggest expenses and I would be livid if someone in my bridal party that I didn't want in there anyway polluted my wedding pictures with her beastly appearance. These pictures may be buried in a drawer not to be looked at for the next 15 years, however, I don't want to be disgusted every 15 years when I dig out my wedding photos.
Before I am attacked for my personal opinion let me just add that not shaving is not gross in any way. It is natural thing that our bodies do. For those that are ending their messages with eww gross that she doesn't shave how is that any less judgemental than discussing her weight.
Some of you are being extremely judgemental. I CHOSE to stop shaving after recognizing the role of the patriachy in conditioning women to reject their bodies.
There are so many things about each one of you that I'm sure others find "gross" or "disgusting," (like maybe your attitudes?) but hopefully you aren't made to feel like less of a woman because of them.
ETA: some instead of many or most - I get a little heated on this subject, but there is no reason to paint everyone in this thread with the same brush.
I can't imagine asking any of my BMs to do anything like this. I'm sorry but I think it is incredibly rude. Yes, I may not agree personally with some of the things htey do to their bodies (I'm not talking about weight, I mean like piercing, tanning, tattoos), that has nothing to do with me having them in my wedding. I would never disinvite them and I would never ask them to not do something that I wouldn't do myself just out of vanity. They can do whatever they want and that is no reflection on me. I asked them to be in the wedding because I love them for who they are. I think this is a very touchy subject and you should let it be. Many other posters are correct, it isn't about the bridesmaids it is about you and your FI that day. I suggest to just let it go at this point.
if you are not ready to accept your BM, especially knowing what you did about her before you asked her, that is on you instead of her. asking someone to be your BM means that you should consider them in their outfits, particularly if they are plus size. if she is a bigger gal, why would you choose a fabric that shows every flaw and only looks good on people who are tiny? if you are more concerned about her outfit for the sake of cohesiveness than about having her support in your wedding, perhaps you should have chosen someone who fit the mold a bit more easily.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 45 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 37 |
| ndreighton | 33 |
| beargoose | 32 |
| Mrs.KMM | 29 |
| Gemstone | 26 |
| Beckster329 | 26 |
| BetterSherm | 24 |
| akp0702 | 23 |
| KCKnd2 | 21 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Mashiara | 3 |
| sarahjc0015 | 2 |
| Mrs.KMM | 1 |
| Vegas Pug | 1 |
| pengoala | 1 |
| bostongirl27 | 1 |
| Sweethart | 1 |
| AJester2 | 1 |
| kristijana | 1 |
| evylise | 1 |
