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Hi all! If you missed the backstory, here is the thread about what my alcoholic friend did at my wedding: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-to-approach-my-alcoholic-friend-who-acted-horribly-at-my-wedding
This is the email I drafted up. Please let me know what you all think:
Hi K. There are some things I want to talk about...
I hope you know I love you and I always will. You have been a great friend to me for so long, and that is why I feel I owe you this email- because I do care so much and I don't want to be a negligent friend.
I know you just moved and you are going through so many changes in life right now. I hesitated writing this email due to that- but then I thought, maybe this can be an overall new chapter and hopefully may be helpful somehow.
I want to encourage you to seek help for your drinking. I was deeply worried by your behavior at the wedding, and have been worried for a while about it. There were just so many red flags that day. I had a great time with you at the house before the wedding, you were such fun company and a big help and support. I totally appreciate that. But when I found out what went down the day of the wedding...it was the first time in our friendship when I really felt like I couldn't just let it go. I am not bringing this up in an effort to be judgmental or to knock you down- quite the opposite! I want to help lift you up and out of this habit that I fear is a great danger to you emotionally, and may cause you more heartache in the future.
I used to be really frightened and intimidated to talk to you about this for lots of reasons. I know how sensitive you are, and I never wanted to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad in general. You've been through so many difficult experiences lately, and thats why I kept avoiding broaching the subject. But after the wedding, I'm done doing that.
At this point, i feel like I would just by a shitty friend and a negligent friend if I didn't make this point to you. Because I don't want to enable, I'd like to speak with you and visit with you only when you are sober, and not when you've been drinking. That is something I feel really strongly about.
Sending you much love and hoping that your transition is going smoothly. I know how difficult it is to move and make big life changes.
love
E
My only reservation about sending this email is due to the fact that I don't want to be friends with her anymore. I wonder if this email sends the wrong message in that regard...
I know many adviced me to just grow apart and cut her off...but I want her to know there are consequences for her actions at the wedding. i feel like she shouldn't think she can act like that and think everything's OK...
I think if you don't want to be friends with her, you shouldn't mention loving her always or only wanting to see her when she is sober. If I got that email I'd assume you were wanting to catch up next time you were in the same place.
@Roux: ...Yeah. I know what you mean.
She will want to reply to me I'm sure, and I just wanted to make it clear that unless she is sober I don't want to speak with her. She calls and screams when she's drunk.
Can I say I love her and take out the always?
Its complicated because we have been friends for so long...ugh.
I think that is perfect. I think you pointed out the problem wrapped up in a huge hug, which, is soo difficult in writing but you managed it very eloquently. You have stated where you stand without being overly harsh. Great job.
@tksjewelry: Thank you. All I need now is the courage to press "send." I'll wait a week after she moves and settles in to her new home.
I think you did a very good job with a tough situation.
I do agree that it sounds like you have some hope to be friends in the future based on some wording, like loving her always or hanging out when she is sober. To me, it's a bit of unnecessary false hope, ya know? I'd just remove/re-word those things. Otherwise, you did a great job.
@AmeliaBedelia: Would it be too harsh to remove that? Could I just say I love you and take out the always?
I want to keep the statement about her having to be sober, because I want to prevent her calling me drunk to reply.
I think you've clearly put a lot of thought into the wording and into being sensitive and I think it looks great.
i agree with pp's, it does sound like you want to regain your friendship in the future, i don't think it would be too harsh to cut out those bits, but it's up to you which you would prefer- sounding a little harsh, or possibly hanging out with her and becoming friends again.
other than that it sounds great, and very supportive :)
I agree with others that it sounds as though you still want to be friends with her, after reading the whole email I definatley got the impression you did. I would leave out the love bit etc and also the bit about only wanting to talk to her when she is sober, unfortunately once she is drunk I am sure the fact that you have told her you want to talk to her only when she is sober will not affect her desicion on whether to contact you or not, and it kind of sounds as if your saying - "I will talk to you and visit you when you are sober" re enforcing the idea you wanna stay friends
My advice - and I really hope that you take it... Is don't send it - don't mention anything and just cut her away. She needs to get it through her head for herself. She is not going to take this ( as beautifully written as it is) as a helpful hand - and if you don't want to be there for in the future ( which I can understand why you wouldn't) let's face it, it's not one. If you want her to hate you ( and I know you don't deserve it) but by sending this email I promise you she will. Just cut her away. She lives in another country didn't you say? - easy wish her all the best but away from you. Simple.
@Peachcream: A few of my friends have told me the same thing. I think you definitely have a point, but..
My issues with not sending anything are:
-I am angry about what she did and I don't want her to be able to have acted this way at my wedding and think there are no consequences for it. I don't really care if she'll hate me or be mad at me for this email.
-If anything ever happens to her as a result of her drinking, I want to at least be able to know that I tried to help.
@fayrhiannon: If I send this I will try to re-word as much as possible so I don't "lead her on" so to speak. Thank you.
Thanks to everyone for their helpful and supportive input!
Yeah cool well I understand why you would want to send it then. Best of luck x
I think you should leave it as it is. It is loving and supportive. You didn't intend this to be an "ending the friendship" email, did you?
I don't know what she did, but is the friendship definitely over? If she gets help and joins AA, would it be possible for you to continue your friendship? I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't, but the tone of your email sounds like your really care about her.
With the email worded the way it is, it does leave things open for continuing the friendship. But if she has hurt the friendship with her behavior when she's drinking, then I would definitely not continue the friendship if she doesn't get help with her problem.
@Loribeth: I feel very very complicated about my feelings towards her.
I care about her and want the best for her definitely...
I have been disappointed with her as a person and with us as friends for a long time. I can't say that I really want her as a close friend in my life anymore.
I feel so conflicted- on the one hand we have so much history together and I feel guilty at the thought of growing apart...on the other hand I don't feel like I deserve the treatment I get and I'm done enabling her drinking.
Sigh.
@soccer25: Then leave the door open... You don't have to stay close friends, especially since you're in different countries. Distance yourself and take a wait and see attitude, until you don't feel conflicted. If you don't see any improvement or if you continue to feel conflicted after sending the email, then end the friendship. At least then you can feel that you really gave her a chance to act on your very sweet and caring email. If she doesn't listen to someone who obviously cares for her, then you can walk away knowing you did what you could without any future regrets.
I think that the email is perfect. You offer her a lot of love an acceptance if she gets herself help. If she doesn't, you've at least said what you wanted to, and the friendship will fall by the wayside.
I'd love to hear how she responds to this. Has anyone else sent any emails or approached her like this, or are you the first?
"I know how sensitive you are, and I never wanted to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad in general".
I would remove "I know how sensitive you are". The rest sounds really great!
This is a very well written e-mail, I think it really gets across your concerns without being too harsh. My only reccomendation is you may want to mention some of the things she actually did, simply because she may not remember. We had a family friend who struggled with alcoholism that would often round-up his behavior into something acceptable after the fact and it took a lot of people telling him how he behaved when he drank for him to come around.
I would take out this sentence: " I want to help lift you up..." That just sounds kind of condescending, and also, since you're conflicted about whether you even want to be friends with her anymore, it's not necessary--it sounds like you're promising to help her through rehab.
Also, I would make it clearer that you're angry-- you talk about "red flags" at the wedding, but you've made this be about how you think she should take better care of herself, not about why her behavior has hurt you and damaged your friendship. I just think you might want to be more direct in that paragraph. For example, didn't you say she was hitting on your husband? you can say, "the way you were flirting with my husband, for example, makes me question our friendship." Or something similar.
@MrsMeNow: That was the only thing I caught, too. Maybe just a switch to 'I know this is a sensitive issue, and I...' would get the same point across w/o causing the receiver to get defensive.
OP- The tone of the email is a bit of 'I hope we can be friends after you recover,' which is something you may want to consider before you send it. I can see how this may help you feel better, to address the issue w/ her, but if the end goal isn't a continued relationship, then maybe let communication drop. If she initiates contact by calling you or emailing you, then express these same sentiments and let her know that you were very hurt by her behavior. Either way, you let her know that her alcohol use is harming her personal relationships, you just have to do it in a way that is more likely to have the outcome that you desire as well. I feel bad for this awkward situation she's put you in.
I have been in a similar situation. Just be very aware it is most likely you will not get the responds you expect or hope for.
It did not matter how nice, supportive, or loving I sounded when I confronted my friend. If she is not ready to be confronted or think she has a problem she will not take it well. My friend took it really bad it totally shocked me the things she said. She stated she did not have a problem the only problem is how greatly snotty I had become and I was not better than her and had not right to say anything. She then went on about all the times in the past (long ago past) I got drunk with her. She then did not speak to me for a long time.
I hope i spelled all that right, I used spell check but it looks odd LOL
Thanks so much bees for all your responses, I appreciate them.
@Loribeth: Yes I totally agree. It will be easier to navigate what will happen with the friendship once I get her reaction to the email.
@2PeasinaPod: Thanks. Many years ago (I think 6 years maybe?) 3 of her friends confronted her about her behavior once she'd get wasted and they would go out. She would get kicked out of clubs often, and it was a disaster. 2 of the friends were nice about it, and the 3rd was very harsh. It wasn't pretty. She did temper herself more when they all went out, but it certainly didn't stop her drinking. I'm hoping now that she's newly married she may take this on as just a whole new chapter in her life and a new beginning. Who knows...
@MrsMeNow: Good point!
@batwoman: I don't want to attack or embarrass her in the email. She will probably ask me what behavior I'm talking about, and if she does I will answer. I'm not trying to vent my anger at her with this email (although it is tempting!)
@finnaroo: As I explained above to batgirl...I'm not sure I want to go there...if she asks me what she did, I'll tell her.
I hear ya regarding the "lift you up" comment though. :) thanks
@NDBee: Thank for the compassion. I really do feel in between a rock and a hard place. I also feel defensive of my husband who was just SO uncomfortable. He is not at all the type to make a big deal out of things ever...the fact that he is still bothered by what she did makes me realize how bad it actually was. Our best man recently talked to me about it as well. These two guys are so laid back....and they were both pretty upset.
I will try to revise the email in this way as much as possible so it doesn't give her the wrong impression.
I'm walking on a tightrope almost, trying to both be compassionate warm and friendly, but also letting her know I'm OVER IT.
@Otulyssa: I am totally prepared for the possibility that she will react in a really mean way...in fact it's pretty likely knowing her!
But I really honestly don't care. It won't be pleasant, but I'm not invested in our friendship anymore.
:-/
Im sorry you had to deal with that as well...:-/
I'm sorry to say but I have to agree with Peachcream ... It's not that I don't understand your reasons for wanting to send it, I do, but sending a letter like this to basically say you think they have a drink problem will never go down well.
I wrote a similar note to my mother (believe it or not) after she behaved appalingly at my birthday party some years back. I was trying to explain in the letter that she needed help and wanted to make her see how much she'd hurt me but in the end all it did was offend her, she took it completely the wrong way around and it tore us a part for a while. If she really does have a drinking problem it is unlikely that your letter will suddenly make her "see the light." If anything you'd be better stepping away and explaining your reasons for ending your friendship if she ever asks you.
If what your looking for is a chance to air your anger at her behaviour why don't you pretend to send it and then write yourself a letter, as if it was written by her, with what you'd hope she might say back to you and mail it to yourself.
This is just my view and if you do send it, I do hope you get the result you want from it, however just be prepared for a response you might not expect. Good luck.
I think you should send it.
I also think the "lift you up" sentence implies that you will be there supporting her while she undergoes this process-- if you don't intend to do that, I might change the wording.
@WaitingweddingBE: I'm not expecting an ideal reaction. I don't think she will turn her life around and I think it is quite likely she will have a violently vicious reaction. However, I will know that I tried to help rather than enabling her which is what I've been doing for too long.
Eventually she is going to want to know why I'm being distant from her, so it might as well happen sooner rather than later. I'm not going to be able to avoid a confrontation.
And...I honestly can't keep it in. I have to get it off my chest.
@bookworm88: Thank you.
I just changed the "sensitive" and "lift you up" sentences.
You're right, compassion is really important. Sorry, I didn't suggest telling her what she did wrong to vent, but so that she can't instantly respond with "I didn't do anything wrong, you're just uptight!". But as you said, you know her best and if she'll feel like she's being attacked if you say that then it's probably for the best if you don't.
It's a very brave thing to do to confront somebody about addiction, and you're a good friend for doing it.
I put this on the other thread too.
Being the daughter and granddaughter of alcoholics, take it from me that confronting her is not going to work. She will immediately get defensive, not take anything to heart and end up hating you. If it makes you feel better then say something but the best thing you can do is to lovingly detach. Because of the ways my mom acts, I am forced to keep her at arms length probably for the rest of my life. The thing to realize is that only they can change their behavior. Nothing you, or her husband, or her parents say will change anything.
@nataliegrace90: I understand and you are probably right.
I am planning on saying something so at least I make a small effort and I am perfectly fine with us ending our friendship if she can't handle the confrontation.
EDIT- I also wanted to add that I'm very sorry you had to deal with alcoholism in your family.
"quite likely she will have a violently vicious reaction"... " honestly can't keep it in. I have to get it off my chest"
Getting it off your chest is one thing, but purposly sending an letter that you know is likely to get an emotional response won't make you feel better in the long run. You need to make your point clear, She will read:
"I don't like what you did, and I don't like who you are at the moment and you've pissed me off, can I have an apology please, oh and I think you need help"
soccer25 I truly get how you're feeling, trust me I've been there, it's a violation of a relationship when someone you are/were close to does something so hurtful especially on an important day. You have every right to feel angry about the situation and if you send the letter then it was the right thing for you to do, just consider why your sending this. Is it to get an apology or to say that you think she needs help?
@WaitingweddingBE: yes, I am angry. But I would be wording the email VERY differently if I wanted an apology or wanted to vent to her about how I felt.
This is my first step towards detaching- I want to tell her she needs help...and then I want to move on.
I think you did a very nice job. I have been in a similar situation and it’s not an easy thing to do, but I feel it is the right thing to do.
Be prepared for her to be defensive and possibly bring up everything you have done that she does not agree with. It will be. However if she does decide to get help or help herself she will know that you are a true friend. It may take months or even years, but be her friend when she does try to do better. She will need you, and she will most likely fall a few times when she is trying to get back up.
Good luck!
@Ksmurf: Yikes. Youre so right. I can so see her flying off the handle about all of our drunk nights in the past.
This is so hard.
I'm with @nataliegrace90: You'll get your release of anger but what you'll get back might be worse than just finding the heart to let it go.
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