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I think we will be offering the "and guest" option to anyone we know is in a relationship. By relationship I mean anywhere from dating to engaged to married. I don't think it's possible to judge the seriousness of a relationship if you are not in the relationship so even a 2 or 3 month thing can be serious. I know that when I was dating my FI I wouldn't have gone to a weddign without him even at the very begining of us dating.
Another thing to consider is if you are inviting guests who will not know anyone at the wedding they should get a plus one so they don't feel totally alone. Hope this helps.
MissEsq,
Great points and I agree with you, I think I should have worded my question a little different.
Here's a new question:
If you know your friend isn't dating anyone, and would have to find a date to bring someone, is it okay to not include "and guest" as long as they are sat with others that they know?
What happens if they end up dating someone in between the invite being sent out and the wedding date?
See, I'm starting to talk myself into, there's never an option for not including "and guest".
Argh...
Frustration is just that we are trying to keep this an intimate gathering of people who are closest to us, and it just can get out of control.
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We did not do the "and guest" option. Married and engaged couples were invited and their names were written on the invites. We also did not invite children. When I first started reading Weddingbee I was shocked at how strong people feel about these subjects. We had one relative that had an issue with her invitation because she was living with her boyfriend, she was very upset, but when my husband explained to her that he wasn't invited because we didn't even know she was still dating him, and we didn't know she was living with him and no one was allowed to bring a date, she calmed down. She realized that she wasn't that close to us and how were we expected to know these things when she never talks to us.
Okay, long story short, that was our only incident. Now that the wedding is done I'm very glad we made this choice. It kept the wedding intimate, we avoided the awkwardness of strangers at our wedding, and it helped lower our costs.
I wouldn't add the "and guest" just because you are afraid of some single friends starting up relationships between the time of receiving the invite and the wedding. It's only about 2 months, so even if they do start something, it's not likely it will be serious enough that they would be upset over not being able to bring their new girlfriend/boyfriend.
If you are inviting the significant others, I think it's nice to take the time to find out their name and add that to the invitation rather than the generic "and guest". It makes the inviation so much more personal. If no one is allowed to just bring a random date, then there is no reason to have "and guest" on any invites IMO - use the actual guest names.
Our take on this is a bit more selfish--we don't want random strange people at our wedding; this is a very personal moment in our lives, and we want to share it with people we know.
So, our general rule is, no 'plus one' guests. Here are the exceptions, which make sense in our minds at least:
1. if you are dating someone we know (ie, we go out to dinner or do things together), that persons name goes on the friend's invite. By sending only one invite to the original friend, however, we're covered if the folks break up before the wedding, then there's no awkwardness and only one will come.
2. If you are living together, engaged or married (and we know about it), the significant other/spouse is invited.
3. (this is the real exception) If the person is an out-of-town guest, and does not know any of the other guests, he or she is invited to bring a 'plus one'--basically, bring your own entertainment.
I think u should have the plus one.
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Honestly, I think you get to a certain time in your life when not including a plus one is just tacky. If you are young and your friends are young, that's one thing. But if you are mature with mature friends, they 1) aren't going to flip over potentially not haveing a date to go with their plus one 2) will appreciate the gesture 3) generally won't be inviting people just for the sake of inviting people.
Again, this all depends on how mature you are and how mature you think your friends are.
I go back and forth on the "plus one" issue. We gave everyone that we invited a "plus one," but then some poeple ended up bringing a guest who was a friend from work, or someone that they knew liked to eat and drink for fre.... a lot of random people who didn't really add anything significant to our special day, but we still had to pay $55+ per person for them to be there.
Before this experience, I would have said that you should always give a plus one, but after my wedding, I now think that going with only those in serious relationships or who will bringing guests that you've met before is the way to go. Having complete strangers at your wedding feels really weird, when it's supposed to be a day that you're surrounded by your closest friends and family.
Because of cost and room size we are being very picky with our plus ones too. Basically, we are doing the same as Ostara. If you are married (duh) engaged, living together, or in a serious relationship that FI and I are aware of, you can get a +1.
On some invites, even when we know there will be a +1, we just addressed it to the main guest. We didnt do inside envelopes, but we did have a spot on the RSVP to write the number of guests.
If a friend who we know is single writes down a +1, and a name we dont know, we'll call them about it...just because we want to know who this person is attending our wedding! If its a new love - fine! If its a co-worker....yeah...hopefully that doesnt happen.
Also, since 75% of the guest list is coming in from OOT, I have no idea what that will do to the +1's....be lower because of travelling? Be higher because of the travel?
Now before I get flamed, a few of the weddings FI and I of friends have been have been the same. Also, soon to be MIL isnt thrilled about our plan either ;)
Good luck, and honestly, do what you want. Its your wedding, its your party, and you are footing the bill ;)
Corn -- I don't know about it being tacky, that seems a little harsh.
A wedding is a very personal thing. I didn't want strangers at my wedding, so I didn't give the "and guest" option. All invites had the names of the guests written on them and no one thought it was tacky.
In addition, with the way the economy is now, I bet we are going to see many of the wedding traditions that cost so much extra money but are not necessary (like guests the couple don't know) go to the way side. Keep in mind, weddings are an industry.
We're not doing the "and guest" generally speaking, but are looking at everything on a case-by-case basis. We had our initial guest list early on in planning, and now that the wedding is three months away, we're going over the list again. For example, one of FI's coworkers is dating a girl who we added as his guest (and we both have met her - the two of them came over for Christmas dinner). My boss has been given a guest because I'm the only person she'll know at the wedding. She's met my FI but due to most of the guestlist being from out of town, she gets to bring a guest as her own entertainment (thanks for that verbiage, ostara72). And of course, anyone who's in a relationship of any type are invited with their significant other. We specifically listed BOTH names on the invite. There will not be any guest at or wedding that neither of us know. At least one of us has met all of the "+ones".
I think keeping the guest list to friends and family is the way to go. Including the names of individuals in a relationship will keep the list from including strangers. This is your day! Guests are there to celebrate you, not enjoy a free party. It's all about the bride and groom.
I too am having a problem with this. Our guest list is small and its only people we talk to. We're not inviting second cousins and family and friends we never talk to. I've expressed this to some of our guests hoping to make them feel special for getting invited. One of our good friends said "well it looks like I have to find a date to come with me now. " In my head I thought, no you dont. There are at least 10 other people that are invited to the wedding that he's known for a good part of his life, so I find his date to be unnecessary. I just dont know how to tell him not to bring a date unless he ends up in a relationship between now and the wedding.
We invited anyone in a relationship to bring their signficant other. Since these are our friends, we pretty much knew who was dating someone they considered a boyfriend/girlfriend and who wasn't. there were no qualifications such as number of months, or living situation or anything like that - I didn't want to be the one to judge the seriousness! The only issue was that we put together the guest list 6 months out and decided to stick with it since we already were inviting more people than our venue could hold! After we strated getting responses in, and realized we would have room, we let everyone know that they were free to bring a guest if they liked. The only people who took us up on it were people who had indeed starting dating someone since the guest list was drawn up. Our only real plus one went to a friend travelling in from London - I wanted him to feel free to bring anyone he wanted since he was coming from so far and knew so few people.
Full disclosure: I had been hit with the "no ring no bring" from a very good friend before, and it really irked me - I did feel like she was judging my relationship, and I didn't like it!
We are inviting "and guest" for anyone in a relationship. For those significant others that we know (almost all!) we will be adding their name to the invite, instead of just "and guest."
My single guests, who know each other, aren't getting an "and guest." My room has limits, and I'd rather invite someone I know, than allow my friends to bring a random person to my wedding.
For all of my out-of-town single guests, we are inviting them with a plus one so that they aren't alone the entire time. These people are college roommates or other friends from the past who might know me and my FI, but won't know any of our other local friends. I won't be able to spend all of my time with these guests, and I don't want them to be by themselves all night (or weekend).
That was the easiest way for my FI and I to figure it out!
i feel very strongly about this topic. a while back, my cousin sent me an invitation to his wedding without inviting my soon-to-be fiance. it sent me through the roof! everyone knew we were on the verge of getting engaged. it felt almost as if my cousin did not recognize that as important. needless to say, i didnt go to the wedding and im sure he wont be coming to ours. i guess the moral of the story is, think it through. make sure you dont exclude a plus one just because theyre not engaged yet or married.
now, as a bride, i can tell you we are inviting the significant others who have either been together for years or are planning on it. we are also inviting an out of town guest with a date because she wont know anyone at the wedding.
choose wisely!
Ugh, this is one of my favorite and worst topics. I strongly believe that ALL guests should get a plus one. Wedding too expensive-lower your costs, cut the guest list in other ways so that you can afford for your guests to be comfortable.
Very few weddings have many singles and to place your single friends in that situation is just rude. Would you ask a married friend to be invited by herself to sit by herself, to have no one to talk with, dance with? Why should it be different because one is single, one is not?
I've been to weddings where there were other singles but not singles that I knew. Just because someone is single does not mean they want to be at a table with someone's 13 yr old cousin, 40 yr old going through a divorce friend, or people who chose to go to the wedding as singles.
Wedding 1: I did not get a date because I was not dating anyone seriously. I was seated at a table with 5 couples, all of whom were my college friends. However, the wedding was horrible-the entire time I had to interrrupt my friends to talk because the couples tend to stay togethe and I had no one to dance with. There were a group of six other single girls at the wedding who went to high school with the bride-I don't know them and frankly I feel uncomfortable at a wedding spending my time getting to know others. It's not a bar-I want to enjoy myself not spend hours hearing about their high school.
Wedding 2: I was a bridesmaid not allowed to bring a date. It actually was an issue for me and the bride because I wanted a date. Other guests brought dates and I sat at a table with them. Needless to say I had a horrible time.
Wedding 3: Another wedding without a plus one-this one was so terribly boring most of the guests left at 1 pm. Twenty single girls, no single guys...just an awful time.
Bottom line, anyone over 18 should be invited with a plus one. I will not go to anymore weddings without a plus one.
Corn, btw, I agree with you that it is tacky. I have a f$%aking doctorate, am a highly educated professional, but because I don't have a ring yet I can't have an appropriate escort to the wedding! It's ridiculous.
Let the guests decide if they want to bring someone.
I generally agree that people should get a plus one. If they are in a relationship and don't get one because they aren't married or engaged, they're likely to get upset. I also think if they are without a relationship, they might get upset because they will feel "alone". I do think it is possibly OK, if a bunch of your college friends will all be going alone, and want to make it a girls' night out. But that might require also getting a feel from them, rather than simply sending out an invitation and hoping for the best.
Although I'm not sure that I see much of a difference with regard to age. I was invited no guest to a wedding when I was 19, and was angry because I had a serious boyfriend. I don't think being "highly educated' is a factor that makes one somehow exempt from an otherwise "no guest" fate.
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i totally disagree with you guys about the +1 thing. there aren't too many people who could afford to double their guest list because of a +1 policy. why should people be invited +1 if they're not in a serious relationship? to make them more comfortable? ha! deal with it. its just a wedding. they're not asking that much of you. if they want to bring a +1, they can pay for it. that being said, i do believe in exceptions. like i said before, i have an OOT guest who is between the two age groups represented. i also have a 60 year old guest who won't know anyone else. they willl each get a +1. i also think that singles should be mixed in with the couples so that there isn't a "singles table" or a single person at a "couples table".
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At first we were going to do a destination wedding. Then we decided that in these tough financial times we would instead do something closer to home because there were about 30 people that we knew we wanted with us no matter if in our backyard or on the moon.
So, now we're doing this locally, which means that we've opened the guest list to the family that we want (and the family that we're obligated to invite, ha) and our closest of friends.
We decided that our single friends will be invited without the "and guest". Unless they are in a significant relationship.
Now I'm starting to feel like, who am I to judge what's significant and what's not. On the other side of the coin, I remember being a singleton and getting invites with "and guest" and think, oh crap, now I've got to find a date.
What to do? For those of you who didn't offer an "and guest" option to all, how did you handle?
Thanks!