Plus ones : where to draw the line ?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I hate this dilemma ! we have been discussing this a lot recently also.  I think what we have decided is anyone engaged, living together, or those who have been dating for a number of years and we feel are extremely close to an engagement will get a plus 1.  However, those who do not fall under those circumstances do not get a plus 1.

Post # 4
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you can really decide how serious someone is based on their living situation. I would invite anyone that is in a relationship. If you can’t identify someone’s SO because they date all the time and they are fresh then don’t invite them. If the person has an issue with that or things the SO will be around then they can bring it up with you.

I really only had one friend that I knew may or may not have an SO at the time. I straight up told her that I was fine with having her bring a boyfriend but did not want someone coming that was just a random friend. She respected that and although at the time that I wrote the invitations I had her boyfriends name on it, they broke up and she came alone. If it was someone I didn’t talk to much but also didn’t think they’d be together because of history, I would have just invited the one person and let them ask me about it.

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m pretty sure “etiquette” says that you need to invite married & engaged couples, and probably should invite living together/serious couples. The problem is defining serious–who gets to decide that, you or the couple? Is being Facebook official enough? That’s where etiquette gets tricky and, IMO, you just need to do what feels right for you. I would just be prepared to get some flack, and practice the phrase: “We are having a small wedding and seating is limited.” This is partly why we’re just giving everyone a guest–if we know they’re in a relationship, name goes on the invite, if not, plus one. Makes a huge guest list but luckily we found a cheap venue!

Post # 7
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Spouses/Fiances/Live-in partners are automatically invtied to mine. If I KNOW at the time of invites going out, that someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend, they are also invited by name. If I am unaware that someone is casually dating, a friend can bring it up to me and maybe get the go-ahead, but nobody is getting ‘+1’ or ‘and guest’ on an invite. Names only. I want to do my best to accomodate even brand new, last minute relationship add-ons if I can. 

Post # 8
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

I do not think you are being selfish at all! We planned our guest list the same way- a small, intimate wedding (80ppl). Our rule for +1 was that we had to know the guest as the person’s signicant other. We did not want people we did not know at our wedding. We even kept a strict limit on parents (for MIL) friends being invited because we did not know them. Do what YOU want since it is YOUR wedding and YOU are paying for it! : )

Post # 9
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

Im not married but after reading wedding blogs if it were me I would just give plus ones to married, engaged, or living together because its proper ettiqute but at the same time you dont want strangers at your wedding either or ppl you dont know well. So basically married, engaged, or living together is fine for plus ones. The only time I would consider giving a plus one to someone is if im either friends with their signifcant other or know them very well , coming by plane, or if they wont know anyone there.

Post # 10
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

and I would give family members over the age of 18 a plus one and anyone in the wedding party a plus one.

Post # 11
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We are inviting everyone with a date.  This, really, only applies to about 3 or 4 people though.  And, I wanted them to have the option to bring someone (anyone!) if it makes them more comfortable.  If you had asked me this 5 years ago, when I was younger and not everyone had “coupled up”, I may be in a more difficult spot.  But, I had always made it a goal to invite everyone with a date.

Post # 13
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think it depends on what you guys feel comfortable with. All of our bridal party gets a plus one regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not. Of course, anyone who is married, engaged, or in a long term relationship (even if they don’t live together) gets one. My FI and I decided to have friends who we both knew really well and for years (we’re having a 70-80 person wedding). There is a friend who is dating someone, but neither of us have never met him, so we only invited her. It may not be what others would do, which is absolutely fine, but we are really sticking to what we wanted for our wedding and who we wanted their to celebrate with us.

Post # 14
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’d go with whatever you’re most comfortable with in regards to plus ones.

For all of our guests, we are only including plus ones for those friends who are in long term relationships. Like you, we are inviting spouses, fiancés and ”common law partners” who live together as one unit.

Post # 15
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@NauticalDisaster:  I agree with you.

I know other people will say just give them the plus one or we can’t judge how serious a relationship is, at the end of the day this is your wedding that you are paying for.

I am in the same boat, i have an uncle who dates new women all the time, so I didn’t give him a plus one because I don’t want some random person at my wedding. We are also not giving the younger cousins (19-21) a plus one because we simply cannot afford plus ones for everyone! Of course married couples and people that we know have been with their bfs/gfs a longtime or live together but if not, you are not getting a plus one.

Post # 16
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

@MarieeToBee:  If I found out that a friend or family member of mine had analyzed my relationship and decided I wasn’t “extremely close to an engagement” in their opinion (and therefore my boyfriend wasn’t invited to their wedding) I would be really offended. My boyfriend and I have been dating for years, just because we aren’t getting married doesn’t make our relationship any less “serious” than anyone else’s.

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