Plus Sized Girls with Fit SOs…

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

jillbean1217:  I’m not in the same scenario as you are,  but someting jumped out at me. You sound like you have a great relationship and like you got a really good guy. But then you say: “We don’t exactly discuss it, and we definitely don’t talk about how I feel about my weight in general.” 

I think that’s probably the answer to your problem- you should let him know how much this is affecting you. Maybe you could even take this post, and edit it into a letter. You say it all here, I’m sure that if he knew he would do whatever he could to make it better for you. I think guys don’t notice a lot of body lanugage “girl” stuff. He probably has no idea how bad it is.

You deal with all of your SO’s ups and downs, trust him to deal with yours. Also, if someone should be rude to these girls, let it be him. When girls have hit on my FI in bars or whatever, he shuts them down instantly by making it very clear that he’s not interested and that he’s with me. I’m terrible at confrontation, and all he cares about is that I’m comfortable- so screw ’em! 

Post # 3
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

While I don’t fall into your category here of plus sized with a fit SO, certainly I can relate. I have low self-esteem stemming from bullying in high school despite being a varsity athlete and graduating with honors. My fiance has low self esteem regarding his weight despite being recruited for D1 football and ultimately being BAMF in track at out D1 university. 

Part of what makes us so perfect for one another is that we both see each other better than we see ourselves. You say your fiance is “more conventionally attractive” and it bothers you that others hit on him, but I’m sure he feels self-conscious about his epilepsy and it’s important that you don’t find this as an imperfection. He thinks you’re sexy despite your weight and doesn’t seem to think that it is an imperfection of yours.

 

For lack of a better word, that’s the whole point of soulmates isn’t it? To find someone who sees you as you wish you were? It can be difficult to get outside our own heads sometimes, but remember that you’re perfect for each other and these other girls can wag their tongues all they want at him but at the end of the day he only has eyes for you.

 

So eff those girls. Go out with your stud with pride. 😉

 

Post # 4
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

jillbean1217:  I’ve felt like this before, regardless of how my SO felt about me. He could tell me I’m beauitful, sexy or whatever it may be. But becasue I didn’t feel that way- it didn’t matter.

To be honest, the only thing that ever helped me was learning to love myself and stop caring what others did/said. And the only way I did that was once I started focusing on me and being selfish. I hated how I looked in the mirror, I felt I wasn’t as “feminine” because I hard larger legs, or whatever than my SO.

When I started working out, doing my hair and make up more- I felt better about MYSELF. When we’d go out, I decided I was going to be confident and not let others get to me. And it helped. Overall it changed my attitude. I was able to control everything, and with that pushed me to work towards the goals I had set for myself.

I guess the main thing I’m trying to say is that he loves you FOR YOU and nothing else. BUT- you can’t fully appreciate it until you fully love yourself.

Post # 5
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

definitely talk to him and let him know how much it bothers you. I agree that men don’t always pick up as much how other girls come across..where we KNOW what they think and how they act and what it means. 

Most importantly, he is with you for a reason, because he loves you for YOU. He sees past the exterior and loves you for what is inside as well. YOU have to remember that. Forget what anyone else thinks. You have to have the confidence in you and your relationship. I’ve seen too many girls insecure and untrusting of thier SO’s because of thier insecurities and it tears their relationship apart because of it.

Please have the faith and confidence in yourself and your SO. Be honest with him how you feel and work on it. Nothing else matters except how you two feel about it. Men love confident women. Be that woman.

Post # 6
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee

Personally, I wouldn’t bother him about it and I would have tried to work it out with a therapist by myself. For me, insecurity is the biggest turnoff in a relationship, especially when that insecurity is about yourself. Even if you told him, there is absolutely nothing he can do about it  because it is an internal issue for you to deal with. 

Post # 8
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

jillbean1217:  I feel like the best comeback you have is that he chose you and you two love eachother. At the end of the day, he is with you and it sounds like he’s doing what he can to reassure you. Therapy can help you work on yourself and develop some self esteem. Love yourself; don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re unworthy. No amount of weight loss will help if you don’t change the way you see yourself.

Post # 10
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

jillbean1217:  Self acceptance=freedom.

For years I put so much stock into my appearance. When it wasn’t going good for me (read:tons of baby weight that never really went away) I had a constant war going on within myself. And then somewhere between 27-30, I fell in love with myself. No, really, I mean I genuinely love myself. As is. No changes needed. that doesn’t mean I don’t think I could be HEALTHIER but that no longer means a size 2.

My SO is about average with maybe a little extra weight on him. Not nearly as much weight as me. It took a little bit of work but I now realize that while I see flaws, he just sees the girl he loves and the girl he chose. I used to hate when he would touch my stomach in any way or would just constantly try and sit certain ways and avoid him seeing me at certain angles. And then I realized that he noticed me way before I was ever aware of it and that he had seen me at every unflattering angle even though I tried hard to avoid it. And guess what? it hasn’t made him love me any less.

You aren’t forcing anyone to be with you, so remind yourself often that he CHOSE and continues to CHOOSE you. All of you. If he wanted something different, he would have went after that. Clearly he wouldn’t have trouble getting the attention of other women, and yet, all of their attention doesn’t mean a darn thing to him, because the girl he wants is already his.

I would suggest doing some daily exercizes to help your confidence. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and really start to appreciate the body you have and more importantly who you are as a person. Accept your flaws and decide how you can improve upon them. But never ever punish yourself (even if it’s not on purpose) for being exactly who you are.

Post # 11
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

jillbean1217:  girls can be B’s. Like you said you can’t change them but the thing is TYPICALLY I believe its just the girls in a younger age group. The older you get the less likely people get to just assume people are single so it becomes harder to approach people. I kind of keyed in the points that you made about the bar and the gym. Girls are relentless at bars because of the fact that again people assume everyone is single at the bar. As for the gym, it really depends on how interactive you two were. Its not super common for couples to go to the gym together so I wouldnt assume that people were dating unless they were interacting together. Not trying to justify these girls but take a serious look at the places where it occurs and how you two were interacting together. It doesnt have to change and I dont know if it applies but I wonder if you treat him differently in public because this insecurity. Honestly though its going to happen no matter what. I dont want to come across as a snob but I am in shape and would consider myself pretty (did promotion modeling) and I will go ahead and talk him up and say FI is in shape and is by far the most handsome guy I ever dated (did modeling) and is a doctor.. and I also still get annoyed by other girls. My coworkers friend told him he should have been an OB and that she would have went to him. Literally right in front of me. That one was more awkward than annoying and kind of just made her look a little crazy. I work for the federal goverment but am similar to a paralegal so it actually makes me somewhat self conscious about that when i have to tell his coworkers what I do. Besides dating a guy that every girl finds hideous there isnt much you can do besides own it 🙂 Remind yourself that he has done nothing to make you feel insecure and that your relationship is worth the outside things that you have no control over.

Post # 12
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly, the more I read, the more I like your SO. He sounds like a truly fantastic guy (and I kind of want to go and slap all those girls for you). I think he probably doesn’t understand what you’re going through because it’s not a problem for him. It’s pretty clear that he’s comitted to your relationship, and your insecurities are the issue, so I think you need to figure out how you can work on those.

If you’re really uncomfortable with your weight, then you need to deal with that. Whether it’s losing weight, or learning to love yourself as you are. I would even suggest just changing the way you eat a little bit. I am super self conscious about my body too, and I find that if I clean up my eating I feel better about myself even when my weight doesn’t change. For whatever reason, it boosts my confidence. And, as ridiculous as it may sound, try standing in front of the mirror and finding things you love about yourself. It’s super awkward at first, but we have no issues pointing out the things we hate about ourselves, and that shouldn’t be the case. Even if you start with something little like your nose or your fingernails, focusing on the things you love about yourself can do amazing things for your confidence.

Post # 13
Member
1389 posts
Bumble bee

I am bigger than my SO and he is in the public spotlight.  He is constantly getting naked pictures of women inboxed and tweeted to him.  I could tell you some crazy stories.  At the end of the day, he is with me.  It is not your SO’s job to make you feel secure and give you confidence.  This needs to come from you.  

Why do you need to give these women a comeback?  Don’t you see that negative attention is still attention?  Why waste any time or energy?  Just move on and enjoy your night out.  

Post # 14
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

You need to be more confident in your relationship. I am one of those people who is very flirty and I will what I call “respectfully flirt”. I would NEVER touch a guys butt like that or make straight up crude comments but I will check men out and flirt with them. My FI knows its harmless and so do the guys. 

The main thing you need to understand is nobody can be “stolen” if they don’t want to be taken. If you remember this about your SO then theres nothing to worry about. If somebody is being VERY inappropriate making sexual comments etc. then no, that’s not right, but people just looking at him? Take it as a compliment. 

Post # 15
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

jillbean1217:  I feel like I can relate on so many levels. I am significantly more overweight than my Fi. I’m like 5’1″ and about 250ish a little less. My fi is like 6′ and maybe like 200. I know I’ve gained a lot of weight after having our daughter in January. However, 1. I’m not the heaviest I’ve ever been. And 2. I’ve always been on the bigger side. With our wedding coming up I want to lose weight. However I don’t want to lose weight just I want to lose weight bc I want to be active for my daughter. I want to have fun with her. I don’t want her to get made fun of bc she has a “fat mom”. *hugs* youre not the only one. 

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