- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
I’ve tried tokeep mum about a lot of my feelings lately, with pretty much everyone because I know being Little Miss Downer does nothing to help my Boyfriend or Best Friend move forward in any way, be it towards marraige or just doing better in life in general, and I’ve kept mum with all the ladies about to be married, so as not to make them think I’m some sort of jealous hose-beast, and kinda felt like what to me would be obvious – long-term-relationship-girl might be feeling a bit blue at being the ONLY one not getting married seemed to have passed everyone else by. Which is understandable – they have a lot to organize, and have a lot of things going on, so it’s not like I expected them to stop and say, “Hey, there’s a bajillion weddings going on, but Isilme isn’t even engaged, yet, I wonder if she’s okay?” So I hide behind jokes and don’t let on that this hurts a lot at times – I wait till I’m alone to let it out.
But, yesterday, one of them “got it”. She was having a bad day, and is very stressed on lots of fronts, not just the BIG wedding coming up pretty soon, and she needed a shoulder, so I tried to talk her up an help her feel better. Part of the way through the conversation the fact that my So and I have been together 15 year this spring and I’m still not engaged (we’re good friends wither her Fiance, known him almost as long as my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together, but have only known her about a year), came out, along with the fact his younger brother got engaged right around the time she did, and she looked at me, did some mental math about how many people we know who have just gotten married and are about to, and is the first person to ask me if I’m okay.
OMG, I managed to not break down in front of her, because I was supposed to be helping HER feel better, but it was so nice to have someone realize that this is kinda hard for me. I don’t want pity… I do want people to understand I’m not trying to be evil and I hate myself for my jealous twinges about THEIR happiness. I AM happy for them, and will do what I can to help them with their special days and their relationshihps… but I can’t help wishing at times it was me, not instead of them, but alongside of them.
I managed to not dwell on things last night, SO wasn’t feeling great and knowing I wasn’t either triggers his anxiety which is bad the first day of the workweek, but this morning I can’t seem to re-gain control. I know I hold things in too much, but I’m in my office, quietly weeping, wishing there was no reason for me to feel this way, whic is just me wishing the was a ring on my finger and a new last name (I hate seeing my last name now. Anytime I introduce myself at work I just give them the first name – it just reminds me I’m not married and might never be). I know a lot of this is due to the “friend” who visits every 28 days coming this weekend – I just hate my body for making this even harder to control. Sorry, I just needed to “talk” somewhere. I hate talking with friends because it makes them look badly on my SO, like he WANTS me to feel this way so he holds off on marrying me – not that he’s got his own demons to deal with, so this borad is pretty much the best place for me to vent. Thanks.